Diamond Shards
Chapter 1: A Blank Sheet of Paper
Ivan:
I can't keep on running forever. It feels like my heart is going to burst any moment from this unknown pain. The tears that I refuse to shed have been frozen into glass shards and are stinging me inside. Right now, I'm bleeding myself from the inside out. This winter, the cold that I am so familiar with, it will be the cause of my death in the midst of change.
I…must be falling in love again. But to be honest, I've gone through this phase of "love" so many times that it feels like I don't know what real love is. Isn't true love the kind that you fine only once in your life? The people I have loved have been replaced countless times. They couldn't have possibly been… "Love".
Sister Ukraine tells me that I have a "blank soul", able to be rewritten over and over again. I think I know what she's really trying to tell me. For your soul not to have a true counterpart, no true purpose, to be "nameless", isn't that the most terrible fate, for your soul to be unnamed?
I've reached the end of the trail, only to discover that I've taken a circular route back home. "Боже мой," how that formidable building scares me now, for no other reason than the man inside it, the man I brought into my home without knowing the consequences I would bring upon myself.
I am scared to death of this man, Генеральный Зимние. Yet I cannot stay away from him. I feel the need to give into my whim, but I know I should not. Looking up at the partially curtained window on the third floor of my house, I stand. How can I give in to my whims when the only way I know how to love is to hurt? I cannot possibly let myself mar that alabaster-carved face of his. I know that if I do, I will waken the monster that everybody thinks I am.
I can already feel the last strands of my sanity trying to slip away. I can only try to tighten my grip on it.
Бог, I want to get my hands all over him, to tie him up to my chair and leave a long gash down his cheeks with my nails. He's mine, and he's not going anywhere. I'm going to…He is…
Pathetic.
Is this the only way I know how to love?
What part of me is remotely even human?
I can only paces along the side of the house and will these terrible thoughts to go away, and hope that, by some freak accident, that I will have a heart, that is normal, kind, and warm as that of the others.
Once I lose him, he might as well be the last one that I am able to "love". I can already see the ending. Is this love? But how dare I say I love him, that dreary doll-like perfection. How could this ever be love? But as much as Roderich confuses and scares me, I do not want to let him go. The moment I let him go, I know I will truly become an unnamed, heartless monster of my nightmares, the one that constantly keeps me awake at night, drenched with sweat despite the cold.
Oh how I long to wake up from this never-ending nightmare!
Translations:
Боже мой: My God
Генеральный Зимние: General Winter
Бог: God
[[Please review! This fanfic…just started flowing, so to say, when I was trying to write something for Spamano. Plus the procrastination. This chapter is me ranting about how Ivan's been paired up with pretty much EVERYBODY. I took a couple of references from "Loveless", but really, story is unrelated.