Words Left Unspoken
Author note: This is my first Castle fan fiction, so be gentle. I don't claim any ownership. Spoilers for up to 3x17 Countdown.
As the elevator doors closed, Richard Castle was feeling a myriad of emotions. First and foremost he felt relief that nobody had died, proud that he had been the one that stopped the bomb but also exhausted from the day's activities. But the one feeling that seemed to overwhelm his body was disappointment, as he realized that he was utterly alone tonight. He knew Martha and Alexis were safe at the Hamptons and wouldn't be back until the morning. Esposito and Ryan were going to home to relish their victory with their respective lovers. Then that leaves Beckett and Josh and it sickened him to think how they were going to celebrate not only surviving today's crisis but Josh's grand gesture of choosing Beckett over going to Haiti. Everybody was going home to somebody who loved them but him.
As he stepped into his car, he took a moment to pause before starting up his car. He was so frustrated at himself when he replayed the day's event in his mind.
"I wish I had someone who would be there for me and I could be there for him and we could just dive into it together." Beckett's words echoed in his memory. His heart had been screaming for his mouth to speak up but he just couldn't get the words out right in time.
Then his thoughts shifted to when they were locked in that frozen containment room, how he held her in his arms, both uncertain of their fate but he just could not find the strength to speak up. When Beckett lightly touched his face, although every nerve in his body was frozen her light touch sent a bolt of heat pulsing through his body right to his heart. He knew in that moment that if he was going to die, he would want it to be by her side. Whether it be at that very moment or 60 years from now, she was somebody he would willingly give his life for and the only woman he could imagine spending his life with.
Her softly spoken words that were left unfinished, haunted his thoughts "I just wanted you to know how much I ..."
What was she going to say? Knowing that incomplete declaration could have multiple meanings it pained him that he might never know what she had intended to tell him and his heart could not take the agony of hoping that what he was lacking the courage to say she was using her last bit of strength expressing. He wondered, why did they always seem to have the worst timing it seemed when it came to expressing how they feel?
His thoughts then led to his final missed opportunities. With 30 seconds left on the timer of the bomb, all he could do is look at Kate and imagine what could have been. If eyes are truly windows to the soul, he knew he was baring his heart for her to see even if he could not vocalize what he was feeling. As he held her hand and felt her intense gaze as she softly spoke his name, the thought of never being able to hold her again, hear her voice or taste her lips for real gave him the motivation and courage to pull the wires from the bomb. However it wasn't until Esposito said "You guys don't know how lucky you are?" that Castle decided to take his mother's advice of carpe diem and made the decision to let Kate know just how much she meant to him. He realized at that moment that he was ready to dive in full heartedly in a relationship with her. No games or tricks, just him making a commitment to always be there for her in every humanly way possible for the rest of their lives.
But of course, fate seemed to have other plans. Just as Castle was ready to spill his heart and let Kate know just exactly what he had been thinking all day, Dr. Perfect came around the corner and made him lose his nerve. All the worry and doubts came flooding back to Castle as the sexy doctor made his appearance at the precinct. Beckett wanted Josh she had said she herself, that him staying behind and choosing her over Haiti meant that Josh and her had a chance. Looking at her he thought he was being selfish, as who was was he to impede upon her happiness, she finally now knew where she stood in that relationship, no need to have one foot out the door, she was getting what she wanted and he should respect that. That is why he choose to gracefully bow out and just bid her good night.
Upset with himself and wallowing in self pity, Castle could only think of one place where he could be alone to drown his misery in a good bottle of scotch.
He turned the keys to start the ignition and headed over to the Old Haunt.
As he entered the bar, he was surprised to see a familiar face from today.
"Hello, I honestly would have never expected to see you again today."
TBC.. please review and let me know what you are thinking... it would be great motivation! :) I apologize in advance for any typos or grammatical errors, this has not be reviewed by a beta reader and was written at 2am when I couldn't sleep after watching Coutndown :)