ZEST BOOTS AND BELDAMES ZONKED: THE ENSORCELLED INSOLVENCY OF GOALUS
By Quillon42
Now it was from that treacherous trench, that ghastly gash from which ornery passels of perilous organisms had manifested and multiplied, that three beacons of beneficence had emerged. These survivors of that unnerving ordeal were now ever so grateful that they absconded from that depression most devious known of late as the Valley of Doom.
What these truculent trackers were not immediately aware of, however, was that the vicious vileness that had possessed Golvellius until recently was still alive, and in fact quite omnipresent, throughout that fjord most fearsome.
Forsooth, though the wild vorpal-valiant Kelesis in particular had extinguished in the Valley of Doom so many of the small smoky clouds from which droves of dire evils appeared, there was still a very base presence persisting in that realm.
Common ken it was at present, now that the wisteria warlord known as Golvellius himself was in a correct, uncorrupted state of mind, that the real source of vice in the Kingdom of Aleid lay within the entity known only as Goalus. Yet still unbeknownst to the hardy heroes, at least in this alternate iteration of the enchanted expanse, was the exact image of that extant lurid leviathan.
Among them, Princess Rena considered it questionable for one that that which stalled her stalwart savior from reaching her sooner was the fact Kelesis had to farm so much to afford any of the essentials peppered throughout his quest.
In all candidness, severe mercantilism in this ethically-wayward wilderness caused the once-creature-crowded canyon go to from what was originally the Valley of Peace to what was now, in its enemy-exorcised-yet-still-economically-execrable state, to be known now as the Valley of Fleece. In other similar digitally ludological landscapes, it might cost coin to purchase a potion or secure a shield, sure. But then charging for "bibles" just for the sake of doubling one's wallet, and compelling the customer to shell out for a sequence of the same in succession? And perhaps what was extortion to the level of treason against Aleid: to make the hero haul out his purse to plunk down for the very crystals that would liberate the land…for sure, these hawkers and the horrors of the Valley were all in league as one.
Presently, though, there was another alliance afoot which was far more favorable in the mind of anyone with a modicum of morality. Merchants and monsters might pose themselves to be a most flimflamming faction, but KelRenEllius would serve to be the trio to take them down in the name of the decency of all from Aleid. And behind these three was a bevy benefactors to support them: there was an entourage of effectual elvish females from areas underground, including Rio the loquacious sylph who slurped on snowcones, Enny the seraph who ran a racket of ad hoc discount doctoring, and Dina the succubus who donated dollars to drink off the essences of others. Nearby as well was the rotund yet resourceful Randar, a sentient sapphire medicine ball of a healer whose deals on getting people better could not be outdone by any angel in fact. Waiting in the wings as well was Winkle, a coy composer of cryptic sequences and a studious sage who took pride in pounding out so many passwords…er, "passwards," that is (according to the astoundingly competent programmers and spellers at Compile).
With all allies assembled herein, it was just a matter now of ushering in the remaining player in this precarious performance—the poser upon everyone being the identity of this absolute unspeakable opponent of all existence.
It seemed to take until the Warlic Lake Vortexes exhaled their last whimsical whirlwind, but at last, Winkle wailing:
"But of course!"
From this peppy paroxysm everyone else perked up in turn, all in their subterranean sanctum (as apparently everyone in this universe nestled in holes they had called home; no wonder why Kelesis was a wanderer, as the alternative seems somewhat sucky).
"At the end of the day, the mystery of Goalus lies in his very name…
"Or should I say, her very name."
Near the Valley entrance now was a considerable cohort of disgruntled underlings, all of them rallied by Rio greet the geriatric crone who created this entire catastrophe in the first instance.
Verily, the Wise Woman without any known name now seemed to go from hobbling to hurrying as she reached sunlight on the other side of that first and largest tunnel opening. She was met with Death Lords veering and swooping, as well as Stone Knights of every color careening toward her.
At the forefront, Rio appeared and shoved the hoary hag, the latter lucky that she had on an extra pair of zest boots to keep her on her feet (which, to be fair, she gave another set to Kelesis outright, rather than ringing him up for it…a continuing tort which she would perpetrate again and again, as will be expounded upon imminently).
"You just wait, (CRUNCH) a potato-bug picking minute, (CRUNCH) my lady! (CRUNCH, CRUNCH, CRUNCH)"
Somehow the effect of the fairy's halting address was compromised by the deliciously deafening consumption that frigid dessert of which she always partook. Winkle extended her wand out in a gesture to take over.
"We know what you're up to, what you've been up to since this place stopped being one of Peace. Of late you've been quite the busy old gal…
"Or should I perhaps say…really quite the busy old GOALUS. ...What? You thought that a mere Passwardswoman like me couldn't figure out that the name is an anagram for 'AU SLOG,' as in like all the grinding that greenhead over here had to do for the currency based on that invaluable auric element? Just to be able to buy something at the level of, like, a dadblamed vending machine refreshment from you?"
"I KNOW!" pepped the perky pixie nearby again. "You would never guess how much she charged me for a blue raspberry cone the other day? Why d'ya think I go around with only one ankle bracelet anymore...having to pawn all of my accessories just for a fix and shit!"
Snorting hostilely as she was flanked by Trolls with their axes as well now, the wizened woman shot out a confused yet somewhat cruel look. "I don't know what you mean by all this, Winks…and I can't see why you would even think of turning on me, what with the discounted rents I've been letting you have in the holes all over the region…"
"But that's just it, isn't it?" cut in Dina, her beau Haidee flipping his hair behind his scaly back as his ghoulish girlfriend spoke. "You're like the flea-fucking opposite of my own ass…whereas I've kind of reverse-prostituted, to give money for the pleasure of taking life essence…you've charged effing heroes who would save the land for everything needed for a quest to be completed."
"We've figured you all out now, you completely detestable implement-liquidating incubus of an old fart!" shouted Enny as her lover Crawky hovered near. "Trying to absorb what's basically more or less the entire GKP (Gross Kingdomal Product) of Aleid by using your powers to possess Golvellius, getting the King sick and having the Princess taken, then repeatedly appearing to a hero and selling him, at a disgustingly and depravedly marked-up price each time, every single item needed to set things right again. It's the deadliest of sins as far as this effing angel is concerned."
"And whose pockets do you think all that gold came out of?" Now Randar reared his cerulean Charlie-Brown head to ream the sleazy senior citizen. "The Basketworms have to cover expenses to send all their brood to school. The weight-loss programs for the Jellyfish don't pay for themselves, you know. Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera."
"And for what in the end?" Rio one more time between snowcones. "So you could afford to go and move on up and out of broke-ass Aleid? So you could live with Tarik and Tyris in Yuria? Or, quote, 'better yet,'" she sniffed sarcastically, "with Link and Zelda in Hyrule? You're the most unsavory and senile kind of scum."
(Aleidians, as Segans, never gave in to the idea of Nintendo's alleged superiority.)
At all of this the granny now exposed to everyone as Goalus attempted to whisk out her three Green Rings, all of which Kelesis had fetched for her earlier and which actually wielded great and terrifying mystical power…but then she so found that that part of her inventory was empty.
"Before I undertook royal responsibilities…I was often chastised for being quite the klepto."
Rena now, by the side of her hero Kelesis, she wearing an emerald band on each of three digits on one dainty hand.
"Thanks for the wedding and engagement rings and all, Goalie," chuffed Kelesis of the kelly scalp, "I guess the third one can stand for the suffering that's to come during the marriage…ow!"
As the brave boy rubbed his arm after Rena cheerily bumped it in mock castigation, Golvellius: "In all seriousness, Goalo, this is some pretty abominable shit you have gone and pulled…on the entire Valley no less. Yet to execute you would be too very kind. We've all come up with an alternative form of punishment that'll learn you for eternity."
And so it was that the doddering dame Goalus was hauled off by Pygmy Skeletons both black and white alike (between whom the diabolical dowager was going to set off a race war for her profit, if Kelesis did not so succeed in his campaign). She was taken to the hole in the graveyard wasteland sector where she sold off the Valley Sword to the hero of harlequin hair. There Rendar set up shop, and he applied reverse polarity to his healing abilities to maintain this most murderous of malefactors in a suspended state, but one in which she felt every denomination of the worthlessness of her essences audited by shame and taxed by misery. This drained her physiologically, spiritually, and financially as well, such that she never again posed a hazard to any denizen of the realm, and her treatment mystically replenished the pockets of every constituent of the kingdom to boot.
So now it was all over but the celebrating. Kelesis and Rena, Dina and Haidee, Winkle and Warlic, Enny and Crawky, Rio and her Husbando known to Aleid as This Author had journeyed on a collective date to engage in a Super Cookoff. Golvellius too finally got around to fuck Fosbus and make themselves an item in addition to catch up with the couples later. Randar resolved to reconcile soon with the slightly shrewish yet ultimately endearing Koranda, and Desba, Rolick, and Bachular remained bachelors for now, but perhaps those crystals seven could summon soulmates in time for them as well. The King hung with the entire ensemble every weekend to much on Meas and the Valley never knew of evil thereafter.