Part One
"Okay guys, I'll see you next week. New video hopefully on Friday!"
Dan finished waving to the webcam as his weekly liveshow came to a close. Now that it was done for the night he was ready to spend another four hours browsing the internet and eating - he really wasn't lying when he said that was all he ever did with his evenings.
This evening was slightly different, however, as Phil had travelled back home for a couple of days for his mum's birthday, leaving Dan to himself in their apartment.
He stretched as he finally logged out of YouNow and stood up from his bed where he had been perched for the past hour and ten minutes, taking a moment to glance out of his bedroom window as he did so.
Being winter it was already pitch black outside, with only a few glowing street lamps lighting the area. Nothing was out of the ordinary, and once Dan was content that his stretch was sufficient he turned around to move towards his bedroom door to fetch the bag of Doritos he knew were in the kitchen.
Suddenly, the scene outside was not quite so ordinary, and Dan thought he saw a bright light out of the corner of his eye.
"What the fuck?" He mumbled to himself as he turned back around and took a few steps closer to the window.
He squinted, leaned closer to the glass, squinted again and changed the direction at which he was looking down at the pavement below him. There was definitely something there...
After a few minutes of trying to decipher the mysterious object that was now occupying the space outside Dan's front door, he decided to go out and see what it was.
A minute later and he was downstairs. He opened the front door and laying at his feet was...
...A child's toy, or at least that's what it looked like to him. A small, child's spaceship toy that flashed different colours into his face.
Again Dan mumbled the words "What the fuck?", and bent down to pick it up, wondering where on Earth it could have come from. It's not like it could have just fallen from the sky.
But as soon as Dan's hand touched the smooth, shiny surface he felt a tingle run through his spine. A moment later and the feeling had intensified. It felt as though he was receiving a mild electric shock.
Before long he was shaking violently, his hand still attached to the toy which appeared to be growing bigger.
In actual fact, Dan was growing smaller.
He got so small that he was now tiny enough to fit inside the toy.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? SHIT SOMEONE HELP ME!" Dan screamed, hoping one of his neighbours would come to his rescue. At that point he wouldn't have minded if loud sex man had have ran out of his apartment. Unfortunately, Dan was now so tiny that his screams could no longer be heard.
He flailed around on the pavement outside when all of a sudden a strange, green creature appeared in front of him. He immediately started backing up, a look of pure terror on his face. He was too shocked to even make any noise.
"Greetings human. We have come from the planet /-)/:0-/_\."
Dan continued to look on in shock.
"We have been studying your race for hundreds of years and have finally thought our knowledge of Earth great enough to finally visit."
"Is, is that why you can speak English?" Dan asked. "Wait, wait, wait, this isn't even real. I'm dreaming. I spent too long on tumblr and now I'm dreaming."
"We have studied most of the languages of your people, yes. Now can you tell me, is this Downwards Street?"
"Wake up Dan. Just wake up."
"Wake Up Street? We are in the wrong place."
"Why are you so small. Oh yeah, BECAUSE THIS IS A MOTHERFUCKING DREAM. DAN GET A GRIP."
"Human, we wish to do an exchange with you to further our knowledge. We were hoping to speak with your Minister Prime, Dumbledore I think, but you will have to do for now. We have been travelling for a long time."
Before Dan could even answer, 10 aliens rushed out from their spaceship, lifted him up and carried him inside.
"LET GO OF ME OOOHHHH GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING?"
The inside of the spaceship was breathtaking, and Dan would have appreciated it if he wasn't being abducted.
Abducted. Dan had been abducted by aliens...
"Jesus Christ you're not going to probe me are you?" he uttered, not sure whether it was to himself or not. Either way none of the aliens heard as they continued to transport him to a chair, to which they tied him.
"We will need some of your DAN."
"What? Some of my Dan? How do you know my name?"
"Your parents named you after the building blocks of life? Intriguing!"
"DNA, they mean fucking DNA Jesus fucking Christ." Dan, again, muttered. This time it was definitely to himself, although he didn't care if the aliens heard him. "Why do you need my DNA, what are you going to do to me?"
By this point Dan had come to the realisation that there was no way of getting out of this, and was 90% sure it was real.
"Our plan in coming here was to have one of us pretending to be a human and gather information firsthand about your race. This is who will be taking your place."
The alien gestured to another alien who look eager and excited at the prospect of turning into Dan and living his life for a while.
"No no no!" Dan called around to anyone who would listen. "He, she, I don't even know..." He turned to the excited alien. "You cannot be me, you will ruin my life!"
"Oh don't worry DNA!" The alien had already gotten confused about his name. "I have been studying human behaviour for years. I am an expert in my field. I will remember to excrete in the lavatory and not on the erm, carpets, and I will make sure to tend to your intimate areas at least once a day!"
"What!?"
Before Dan had any more time to protest or ask questions one of the aliens came up from behind and stuck a syringe in his arm.
"GAH. No please, please don't do this! I'm so boring, you don't want to be me!"
But it was too late, the aliens had taken a sample of Dan's blood, and after using some weird technology on it injected a concoction of his DNA into the excitable alien.
The alien was immediately rushed outside, where he no doubt would grow taller as he transformed.
"Good," said the alien Dan believed to be in charge. "Now that's done we can begin our experiments on you."
"Oh crap," were the only words Dan could get out of his mouth.
"We will begin with the tradition we believe to be called an-al."
Dan was too fearful for what might happen to him to really listen to what the alien was saying to him.
"We are not really sure how this works, but after doing extensive research into humans we have found that whenever one is abducted by aliens this ritual takes place. We hope you will benefit from it as we really see no need, but we respect the traditions you follow."
At this point Dan's brain clicked into gear and he understood.
"Wait... No... You don't mean... OH GOD NO YOU DON'T MEAN ANAL!"
"Oh, is that how it is pronounced?"
Dan noticed another alien with a long metal stick in his hand.
"NO NO NO NO YOU ARE NOT GOING TO PROBE ME," he yelled, as he started to struggle against the binds keeping him in the chair.
All the aliens gathered around a diagram of the human anatomy to figure out where exactly to stick the metal rod.
Dan continued to flail around, screaming; "DON'T STICK THAT THING UP MY ARSE!" He was terrified. He was going to lose his anal virginity to a metal rod being wielded by an extraterrestrial. Nobody knew, but he had been saving it for Tyler Oakly.
The aliens started to advance on him, getting closer and closer until all he could see was green, and then a flash of silver...
...and then Dan got anally probed.