Title: Keep Going On
Author: Yorokobi Asahi
Summary: Ed and Al are returning back from another mission which turned to be a dead end on their searching. Ed is depressed and he's trying to find strength to keep going on. And while he's thinking about their lives, he comes to realize a few things.
Characters: Edward E., Alphonse E.
Genre: Angst/Hurt/Comfort
Rating: K
Warning: None
Includes: Brotherly!EdAl.
Does not include: No yaoi
Timeline: Brotherhood universe. Before first episode.
Notes: Published to the third of the October anniversary. Not really about the date, just the atmosphere. Not beta-read, sorry.
Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist belongs to Hiromu Arakawa. No profits were made.
„Once you get used to being knocked down, you learn to love getting back up;)"
Edward Elric was sitting on a hard wooden train seat and trying unsuccessfully to take a nap. His body was tired beyond believe but his troubled mind just refused to drift into sleep. He and his brother were going back from another mission, looking so promising at first so they allowed themselves to be excited and put their hopes in it, only to find another dead end. Now they were sitting on a train back to East City, in no mood to talk, so they sat there in silence for hours. Alphonse was looking outside from the window and his mind seemed to be wandering farther than any trains could take him.
Edward, on the other hand, had his eyes locked on his brother, since they refused to stay closed. Somehow he couldn't allow himself the luxury of sleep even if his body screamed for it. He couldn't let his younger brother sit there all alone. Not like this. And there he had thought, hoped, he would be able to finally give him his body back. Make up for everything he had done wrong.
It was not fair. He was the sinner, the one who decided to do human transmutation. He should be the one to suffer for it. Not Alphonse. Not his innocent, faithful little brother who only followed Ed's unrealistic dreams. Alphonse always believed in his older brother. Never hesitated. Never turned back. Al had unconditional faith in his older brother's judgment. And this is where I led him. Why it had to be Al? Why was the Truth so cruel? Ed would give up his heart without a second thought if it would bring his brother back. He would sacrifice anything just to see Al's smile again.
But here he was, helpless and lost. He couldn't even save what was left of his family. He was called the young prodigy, the genius. He was the famous Fullmetal alchemist. If he was so smart and skilled, why couldn't he save the one he held dear the most? If he was a genius, why didn't he realize sooner that his theory could never work? That the dead can never be revived? Why couldn't he prevent this? He was a fool; that was it. People could call him what they wanted to; he would still be the same pathetic blind fool who played at God but fell hard back to the ground.
I was cast down as a sinner
in front of people who don't have a clue.
I suffered, paled and grew thinner
and I'm constantly feeling blue.
Edward didn't even know how he got off the train. His body moved on its own. Alphonse was right behind him, carrying a forgotten suitcase. Ed scowled at that. Alphonse always took care of things Ed was too tired to care of himself. And he never said a word about it. Where got Edward the right to use his brother as a babysitter? Just because Al's body couldn't get tired didn't mean his mind couldn't too. But Al didn't complain. He was right behind his brother like a guardian, helping him every time he needed it. And Ed felt so safe with his little brother by his side. Like nothing could go wrong as long as they were together.
Except that everything went wrong. Al wasn't supposed to be trapped in an unfeeling suit of armor. They weren't supposed to be there; living their miserable lives, running after every slightest hint of an alchemist's myth and giving their hopes only to be disappointed again. Ed had given his brother false hopes of seeing their mother again only to drag him into unimaginable danger which cost Alphonse his body. He had cut off Al's childhood and forced him to go through things no one should go through at such a young age.
And Al still didn't give up on him. Al deserved far better brother than Ed could ever be but he still had faith in him. That was the only thing that kept Ed going on. No matter how tired, hurt or hopeless he was; every time he felt like giving up, he remembered Al's smile and just had to go on. If he had lost his hope, how could he look into his brother's eyes again? Al was Ed's strength, his only reason to get up in the morning. His whole world.
The roots of despair, twisting and crawling,
me, however, cannot shake.
As I watched myself crashing and falling
I was hurt but refused to break.
As long as Al was there, Ed could do anything. He would climb the highest mountain, get down to the deepest abyss, go through hell and all the way back; just for his little brother. He would fight thousand men and get back as a winner. With Al by his side, Ed was invincible.
He became the youngest state alchemist and lived a life of a soldier even before he became a teenager. He faced all kind of rogues and fought thieves and killers. He dealt with corrupted bastards and saved innocent people from any kind of danger. Every time an enemy sent him down, he got back up. No matter how strong or horrifying his enemy was, he faced him without fear. And for his little brother, he felt like he could do hundred times more.
It was the metal prison which Ed confined his little brother's soul in that threw them into this whirligig of danger. But for Edward, the armor that served as his brother's temporal body wasn't ugly or scary. It was something strong and steady, like a port in a middle of a storm. It was a save shelter. Unbreakable fortress that guarded what was the most precious for him.
Most people saw that armor as something cold and unfeeling. But Edward knew that inside of this metal shell was the warmest and purest heart he had ever known. Al's sweet soul was like a bright light for everyone around. Ed had never met anyone more selfless and loving than his little brother. Alphonse never judged those around him. He would give the last bit of him just to help people in need and would never ask anything back. And his lovely eyes shined like a diamonds in this gray world.
Even when the armor was unable of any expressions, Ed could still sense his little brother's emotions. He could see all his needs. He was always there for his brother and he vowed that nothing in the world would ever change that. And he won't stop until he'll get Al's body back and give him back a life the innocent boy deserved.
Being fragile is for those who are pure.
I have been scarred and tried by fire.
For lost innocence there is no cure
but there'll always be hope for desire.
Edward looked up at the sky where the sun started to shine through clouds.
"Brother?"
It was the first time after many hours that Al spoke to him. Ed was happy that his little brother's voice didn't sound so broken anymore. Obviously he had enough time to think himself and find a way to get over their failure.
"What is it, Al?" The blond boy realized even his voice sounded more cheerful now.
"Do you know what day is today?"
Ed was thinking about it for a while but couldn't come up with anything.
"Not really. Why?"
"It's your birthday."
The older Elric halted and looked at his brother in surprise. He didn't realize. They stopped celebrating his birthday after the failed transmutation. His brother cannot age and celebrate his own birthday, so why should he have the privilege of such a joyful moment? And celebrating birthday would only remind him how much time had passed while he still couldn't find a way to get Al's body back. But until now he never forgot the day completely.
"Eh... really?" was everything he could say.
"You forgot, didn't you?" the armored boy sighed. "I wish you didn't have to do this, brother. Because of all these stupid missions and alchemy research you always forget about yourself. You threw your life away, and all because of me, brother, and I can't give you anything in return. You deserve something better."
Did he? Edward couldn't help but chuckle. "Al, don't be silly. It's not true you can't give me anything in return. You already gave me more than I deserved. You have faith in me and you're by my side when nobody else is. You're everything I need, Al."
Although his armor couldn't give expressions, Ed saw a smile in his brother's eyes.
"I feel the same, brother." the younger Elric said. "I can't even imagine the world without you."
"Yeah," Edward gave his brother a bright smile in return. "And don't lose hope, Al. I'm sure I'll find a way to get your body back. You just wait and see!"
"Yes!" the armored boy was cheerful again. "And yours too, brother."
"Yeah, mine too." he chuckled.
And they continued their walk with a smile and warmth in their hearts. They might have been crushed to the ground again but Ed was sure they got up even stronger. It's true they lost a lot in their life. They lost their parents, their childhood, their home and even their bodies; but as long as they have each other, they won't lose hope.
Those verses are not a song, it's a poem. The author is one good friend of mine. She brought me back to life and gave me strength when I was down too deep to get back up by myself. And every time I feel like giving up, I remember her encouraging smile and just have to go on. If anyone has a real fullmetal heart, it's her. I suppose she wrote that poem about herself but I noticed how good it fit Edward's situation too and decided to write this.