A/N Yet another stop on my LOST fics based on Miranda Lambert songs. This one is based off of Love Song. It's a fast-forwarded snapshot of Kate and Sawyer's life together. The good parts as well as the bad parts and why, in the end, they do it at all.
None of this belongs to me. All that is written here is merely my own work and not authorized by Damon Lindeloff, Carlton Cuse or ABC.
That's What Makes It Love
Kate waited in the living room in her perfectly decorated house. Her eyes kept darting down to her watch. It was now 2 am, and her daughter Lexie still wasn't home. Kate was tired, her eyes kept drooping but she had promised Sawyer that she'd stay up until Lexie came home. She wondered how many more hours she'd have to wait.
Fear gripped Kate's heart, clamped around it in like a vice. Where was Lexie? Visions of muggings and car accidents raced through her mind and Kate had to take several deep breaths until her heart stopped its terrible pounding against her rib cage.
This wasn't the first time either Kate or Sawyer had waited into the early hours of the morning waiting for their seventeen year old daughter to return. But they'd both noticed how much more often they'd been doing it lately.
Lexie used to be such a great kid. She was an honor roll student, star of the soccer team and homecoming princess. But in the past six months she had started to rebel, hard. She often kept her parents up waiting for her to come home, and when she did she merely stumbled precariously inside, the smell of alcohol reeking from body.
Kate wasn't sure how much more of this she could take. She felt like she had done everything to try and get Lexie to behave, but the more she pushed the harder Lexie pulled back. The girl had certainly inherited both of her parents' strong stubborn streaks.
Kate got off the comfortable couch, it was too tempting to rest her head against the pillows and doze off. Instead she headed into the kitchen and poured herself a large cup of black coffee. She sat on a hard and uncomfortable stool and gripped her mug tightly. Lexie would be home soon. She had to be.
But it wasn't for another three-quarters of an hour that the back door cracked open and Lexie tip-toed into the kitchen, her high heels held in her hand so as not to give her away with their loud clacking against the marble tiles of the kitchen floor. Her long blonde hair was knotted and unkempt and once again she smelled strongly of beer.
"Where have you been?" Kate shot at her. Lexie spun around with her hand on her heart.
"Jesus! Mom, you scared me half to death!" She yelled.
"You had better be scared," Kate told her, "It's three o'clock in the morning. Where the hell have you been?"
"I was at Rachel's, chill out." Lexie said, trying to breeze her way out of the kitchen and up the backstairs. Kate jumped out of her chair and grabbed her daughter's forearm.
"I don't think so, young lady. You and me are going to have a talk," Kate told her sternly.
"Can't it wait until morning? I'm tired." Lexie whined.
"Well you should have thought about that before you snuck back in here at three am." She responded. "Where were you really? Were you with that boy?"
"That boy has a name. It's Riley," Lexie shot back, "And he's not just some boy, he's my boyfriend."
"Riley is twenty-one years old." Kate said for what felt like the thousandth time. "You're only seventeen. I don't want you seeing him."
"Try and stop me," Lexie said defiantly.
"Oh, I can do more than try," Kate warned her, "You're grounded."
Lexie scoffed. "You can't make me do anything, I'm seventeen. I can make my own fucking decisions."
"Not while you live in my house. You are still a child and you are still my child. I won't have you running around town with that boy."
"I hate you!" Lexie yelled, "I swear to god the second I turn eighteen I am so getting the hell out of here!" With that Lexie swung around and ran up the stairs.
"I'm not done with you, young lady!" Kate yelled up the stairs, "Alexandra Mary Ford you get your butt down here right now!" But all she got for an answer was Lexie slamming her door shut.
Kate fell against the counter, bracing herself against the granite countertop. She shook with tears of anger and desperation. How had this happened? She had never thought her life would end up this way. She wasn't supposed to be this person; she wasn't supposed to turn into her mother. She started to cry, and then sob. Her rasping breaths echoed throughout the empty house.
Suddenly she felt her body being swung around and she was pressed against a warm chest and two strong arms wrapped tightly around her. She clung onto her husband's shirt and cried until her tears had soaked it through. Sawyer held her close and stroked her hair.
"I- I can't, she- she- it's just- I want- I was supposed to-" Kate wept, not able to get the words out coherently.
"I know," Sawyer murmured into her hair, "I know, baby. It's okay, we'll figure this out." Kate tipped her head back and looked straight into her husband's blue eyes, the eyes he have given to Lexie. Fear clouded her own green eyes; tears clung to her long lashes. Not for the first time James Ford was astounded at his wife's simple, easy beauty and amazed that she had trusted a redneck hick like himself to be her husband and help her raise their children.
"What if we don't figure it out?" Kate whispered. Her utter desperation reminded him of their first night together, the first time she kissed him. She always felt that she had to be strong, but he was the only one who she showed her vulnerability to.
Sawyer was swept up with the desire to comfort her, to kiss away her tears and make her feel better. But they had been together for eighteen years now. They were past the stage where he could make her forget her troubles with sex. She wanted more from him, she deserved more from him. And he was all too willing to give her that.
"We will," Sawyer said forcefully, "I promise you we will. Lexie's a good kid. She's always been a good kid. This is just a phase every teenager goes through. I'm sure you gave your parents hell when you were her age." Kate raised her eyebrows at her husband and cracked a wry little smile.
"Alright, bad example," He conceded. "But we aren't our parents. You are not Diane and I am certainly not Wayne. We love and support Lexie. She'll come around. I know she will."
"How can you be so sure?" Kate wondered aloud.
"Because I love you and our kids too much to let this family fall apart. I know we both had rough beginnings. But I swore to you the day Lexie was born that I wouldn't let what happened to us happen to her. And I've always keep my promises to you. We will get through this. I'm sure of it."
Kate had no words left. She was completely drained of energy. Instead she just leaned back against her husband's chest, wondering how she ever got to be so lucky. She had no more tears left, but still she clung to his warm body, the heat radiating off his chest slowing her heart rate back to a gentle, steady beat.
The next morning Kate arose far too early for a Sunday. But she always arose much too early for her liking. She had realized a little over seventeen years ago that one of the many things that come with being a parent. She thought about what she'd have to do as soon as she got out of bed.
Hannah, her youngest, would need to be pried away from his morning cartoons before her brain leaked out of her ears. At eight she still had the last vestiges of childhood innocence and Kate felt a fierce protectiveness in wanting to preserve that innocence and protect her from all the heartaches the world had in store for her. No matter how many times Sawyer assured her, Kate still had an almost paralyzing fear gnawing constantly at her that because her life wasn't easy, neither would her children's' be. And she knew that she could only protect her precious babies for so long.
Tom, the quintessential middle child, would be making a mess in the kitchen. Kate felt like she had only just gotten through puberty with Lexie and now she was going through it again with thirteen year old Tom. Only this time there weren't of crazy mood swings and fits of tears (how many times had Lexie proclaimed that Kate didn't understand her?), instead Kate had to come to terms with the fact that her baby boy's stomach had been replaced by a bottomless pit. She also knew that should she dare to show any sort of concern for his well-being he'd lash out at her before retreating into the depths of his room, plug in his headphones and pretend he was an orphaned only child.
And Lexie…well, she'd be in her room still sleeping. Kate tried to wake up her eldest by nine thirty on weekends but Lexie was nothing if not resistant. She wouldn't come out of her room until at least one, even though Kate knocked on her door every half hour, drew the blinds and pulled away her covers. And this morning would be worst than most. Lexie would probably be sulking well into the week. Kate prepared herself for much pouting, the silent treatment, and many sighs of annoyance at every little thing Kate or Sawyer did.
With much effort Kate threw off her warm and comfortable down blanket and prepared herself for yet another day. Sawyer was already up. He was probably getting breakfast ready downstairs, making a bigger mess than even Tom was capable of. Sunday mornings meant pancake breakfasts. Sawyer loved pancakes more than any food in the world and if Kate would let him he'd probably eat them about twelve times a week. But she had managed to wean him down to Sundays, birthdays and holidays. He had turned pancake making into an art form. At first he made plain old circles like everyone else, but then he started to experiment. Soon he could spell out the kids' names out of batter. And then he mastered timing the browning process to make spots on the butterfly pancakes Hannah begged for every Sunday morning. One memorable Halloween two years ago he had managed to make a pancake picture of a witch flying across a full moon. You would have thought that such a work of art would be too incredible to eat but Tom had wolfed it down in ten seconds flat. For Kate though, Sawyer always made sure to serve them with fresh strawberries about which they would share a secret smile.
Kate headed down the stairs and sure enough the entire kitchen was filled with the scent of maple syrup.
"Morning gorgeous," Sawyer greeted her, effortlessly flipping a pancake in the air. Kate gave him a peck on the cheek.
"What's the subject this time?" She asked.
"Hannah wanted a cat," Sawyer said. Kate checked the pan. Sure enough there was a pancake in the shape of a cat, its back was arched and its tail was sticking up in the air.
"You amaze me," Kate told him fondly.
"And I love doing it, Freckles," He responded, "Now go take a seat at that table and wait your turn for breakfast. I got some gorgeous strawberries in the fridge. I tasted one, they are incredible."
"Any fish biscuits?" Kate quipped, as she did every Sunday morning.
"Only if you're very good," Sawyer responded devilishly, just like he always did. Kate wrinkled her nose at him.
"I'm just going to try and rouse the teenager," Kate said.
"Good luck!" Sawyer called after her as she went back up the stairs.
Kate padded down the hallway to Lexie's room and knocked softly on the door.
"Lexie, honey, it's time to get up," She said. Silence. "Not talking to me? Well, don't think that'll stop me. I'll be back later and I want to see you up." With that she went back down the stairs.
"No dice?" Sawyer asked her.
"What do you think?" Kate responded wryly.
An hour later, full of warm, fluffy pancakes, she leaned back in her chair, clutching her bulging stomach.
"I should probably go bother Lexie some more," She said.
"Better you than me," Hannah deadpanned from the end of the table. Her entire face was sticky with syrup. Crumbs of pancake were stuck in the sugary mess. Kate and Sawyer cracked up at the utterly serious expression on her utterly ridiculous looking face.
"You know Freckles that that is very true," Sawyer said, still chuckling.
"You both suck," Kate told them good-naturedly, "Hey Tom, how bout you give it a whirl?"
Tom looked at her with raised eyebrows. His expression spoke very clearly. It said, "What are you, crazy?"
"All right then, I guess I'm on my own, great backup you lot are," Kate smiled and got up from the table, heading back up the steps.
"Lexie? Sweetie?" She said softly, tapping her knuckles against the door, "its ten-thirty, you gotta get up." No answer, Kate slowly opened the door and felt a cool breeze emanating from the open window. Her head quickly swiveled towards the bed. It was empty.
"Oh crap," Kate cursed loudly. She rushed down the stairs. Sawyer, Tom and Hannah looked up at her in alarm.
"Lexie's gone," She told them frantically.
"What do you mean 'she's gone'?" Sawyer said disbelievingly. Her forehead was wrinkled in what Kate knew too well to be worry.
"I mean her bed is empty and her window is wide open," Kate said impatiently.
"Well that's just awesome," Sawyer growled sarcastically, "Where do you think she is?"
"I have no freaking idea," Kate told him, "I'll call Rachel's; you go and search the mall, the park, the school. Just look anywhere you can think of."
"Why would Lexie run away?" Hannah asked, her forehead was crinkled with the same worried expression her father wore.
"She didn't run away, sweet-pea," Kate assured her, trying to convey a sense of ease and confidence that she did not feel at all, "She'll be home soon. Come here; let me clean up that face of yours."
"Oh mom," Hannah whined.
"If I don't get that syrup off soon it'll congeal or something," Kate took her daughter's hand and led her to the sink where she wet a dish towel and started mopping up her face. She turned to Sawyer, "Call us the second you find her."
"I will," He said before kissing her cheek and the top of Hannah's head and heading out the backdoor. Seconds later they heard his car roaring out of the driveway.
Kate cleaned off Hannah's face, smiling the all the while as Hannah squirmed. Finally her face was clean again.
"Ok, why don't you watch some cartoons for a bit while I make some phone calls?" Kate suggested. "Tom, will you watch your sister for a bit?"
"She's eight, she can watch herself," Tom told her sullenly.
"Please Tom?" Kate asked with a hint of "or else" in her tone.
"Fine," He grumbled, taking his sweet time in getting up from the table and sauntering over to the living room where Hannah was sitting as close to the TV as she could; Bugs Bunny was on.
"Hannah, not so close to the TV, you'll ruin your eyes," Kate called. Hannah scooted back a foot or two and Kate started frantically opening the kitchen drawers.
"Come on, come on, I know you're in here somewhere, you son of a bitch," She whispered to herself. Finally she extracted the bright blue school directory from under a pile of rubber bands, paper clips and other assorted and useless paraphernalia. She flipped through it frantically before she found Rachel Hayes' home phone number. Kate grabbed the phone out of the cradle and pushed the buttons. Her hands were trembling so much that it took her four times to punch out the correct combination of numbers.
The phone rang and rang and rang for what seemed like an eternity. At last a bright and chipper voice answered.
"Hayes residence, this is Danielle speaking," It said. Kate rolled her eyes at Danielle's prim and properness. Kate and Danielle definitely had a friendly relationship, but sometimes she could be completely insufferable. In truth Kate was a little jealous of the order with which Danielle ran her household. In comparison Kate sometimes felt like she was living in a particularly chaotic barnyard.
"Hey Danielle, it's Kate Ford," Kate said.
"Oh Kate, how are you?" Danielle asked, sounding truly glad to hear from her.
"Not so good to be honest," Kate said, "Have you seen Lexie lately?"
"Not since about eight-thirty last night. Why do you ask?"
"Because it appears that sometime between four and nine this morning my daughter snuck out her bedroom window without leaving us any way to know where the hell she went."
"Oh my god," Danielle gasped before recovering, "Well, I'm sure she'll be home soon. She's a good girl and you and James are great parents." Sawyer always introduced himself to his neighbors and colleagues as James. He had told her that Sawyer was his past, and he left that man on the island. But Kate was never able to make herself call him James regularly. Mostly she only called him that when she angry.
"Thanks," Kate said, eager to get off the phone, "Well, if you by any chance see or hear from her could you call me?"
"I will," Danielle promised.
"Okay, talk to you later, Danielle."
"Bye."
Kate slammed the phone down angrily. It wasn't that Danielle frustrated her (okay, that was a little true), but it was more that she was worried sick about Lexie. Where in the hell was she? She dialed another number, this time she didn't have to check the directory. She knew it by heart.
"Hello?" A breathless voice answered.
"Hey Cass, it's Kate."
"Oh god, what's wrong?" Cassidy asked when she heard the desperation in her best friend's voice.
"How about everything?" Kate said, her voice trembling.
"Lexie again?" Cass asked in a gentle tone.
"She snuck into the house at three-thirty this morning and then snuck back out sometime after that," Kate tried to keep her voice steady and upbeat but she was failing miserably.
"Ah yes, the classic window escape," Cass said knowledgably, "When Clem was Lexie's age I seriously considered having bars installed."
"That's not a bad idea. How much do you think they'd cost?" Kate laughed through her tears.
"It's going to be okay, Kate," Cassidy assured her.
"Yeah, Sawyer keeps saying that. But each time I hear it I believe it less and less. If it was going to be okay it would start getting better, not worse. I am at the end of my rope here. I just don't know how much more of this I can take," Kate cried into the phone.
"You can do this."
"No, I can't!" Kate nearly screamed.
"Yes, you can. You are a great mother. You have a husband who loves you more than anything in the world. You have three beautiful children. You have survived much worse than teenage-hood."
"Right now I would gladly take ravenous polar bears over the constant worry and fear that my daughter is never going to come home," Kate admitted.
"No, you wouldn't," Cassidy told her, "You wouldn't because you'd miss it too much. What you have, what you and Sawyer have, it's good. It's really good. It's something most people spend their lives searching for and most people never find it. But you did. You've been through hell and back and came out on the other side. You were a bit broken, sure, but you've healed so wonderfully. And you will get through this, because what you have is something that only comes once in a lifetime. You have a fierce love for that man and those kids and it is stronger than this. And sure there are tough patches, and there will always be tough patches. There is anger and sorrow and despair. But you will get through it. Because that's what makes it love."
"Thanks, Cass," Kate said through her tears.
"You are so welcome. I love you, Kate," Cass said.
"I love you, too," Kate told her.
"Call me the second that girl gets home. I have a couple things to say to her about what she's doing to my best friend."
"I will," Kate promised, "and I'll talk to you soon."
"You make sure and do that," Cassidy said.
Kate hung up the phone and counted to five. Once she got there she felt back in control, she plastered a smile on her face and headed into the living room.
"Okay kiddos," She said brightly, "what's the situation on homework?"
Cass was right; it was going to be okay.
A few hours later Kate was bent over the kitchen table with Hannah, helping her with a book report.
"Well, what did you like about it?" Kate asked gently.
"Nothing," Hannah said with an eye roll, "It was so boring,"
"Don't let your father hear you saying that," Kate said, "The Wizard of Oz was one of his favorite books when he was your age."
"Well, I liked the movie better," Hannah insisted, "I liked the song about the rainbow."
"Alright, so why don't you write that?" Kate suggested, "you can talk about why you liked the movie better." Hannah nodded and bent back over the paper, carefully jotting down her ideas in the loopy cursive writing she had just learned in school.
Suddenly the door swung open and slammed shut again. Kate's head shot up. Sawyer was back. His face was red and his whole face was scrunched up in anger. A million questions bubbled up in Kate's throat but she choked them back down. He needed his space right now. She could ask them later.
She watched as he rushed up the stairs and moments later she heard another door slam. Most likely he was in his study, on his computer, trying to write something to get his mind off of it all.
Ever since coming off the island Sawyer had enjoyed a considerable amount of success in his unexpected career as a novelist. On the plane ride home he had found a spiral bound notebook and had just started writing, barely stopping until they landed at LAX. It was an incredible story of a love that had been tested by time and space and somehow, against all the odds, had managed to make it through all of it. He had dedicated it to her.
He was absorbed in writing his first book for a year and a half, hammering it out and working on it at all hours of day and night. In the early years of their marriage, before Lexie was born, Kate would wake up in the middle of the night and creep into his study to watch as he banged hard on the key board so he could get out the words before they were forgotten. Often times she would find his intensity so irresistible she'd pull his chair away from his desk and crawl onto his lap, kissing him with everything she had, running her hands through his hair, pulling off their clothes.
When he got his first acceptance letter they had made love even more furiously and often. A few weeks later Kate discovered that she was pregnant. Sawyer was even more excited about the baby than he was about the book deal. As their family grew so did his career. By the time Tom was learning to walk Sawyer had three books that had made it onto the New York Times' bestseller list. Once Hannah was born that number had increased to five.
People often asked him what his inspiration was. But he would just smile and say "I've just got a great muse."
But his last book, Chopper, hadn't done as well as it had been expected. People started to wonder if he had peaked. Sawyer pretended he didn't care, but Kate knew better. He was determined to prove them all wrong. His current project, The Cage, was absorbing him. Kate was once again drawn to his love of the written word but mostly she just kissed him tenderly before he snuck out of bed to write, missing his warm body next to hers. His mere presence had always been enough to calm her and it always made her feel safe.
"Is Daddy angry?" Hannah asked, waking Kate from her reverie.
"He's fine, sweetie, he's just got a lot on his mind is all," Kate assured her.
"Is it Lexie?" Hannah asked. She peered up at her mother through her untamable brown curls. Kate pushed them aside and looked her daughter in the eyes.
"Don't you worry about your sister, she'll be fine," Kate promised.
"How do you know?" Hannah asked.
"Because mommies know these things," Kate said simply, "now, tell me more about your book."
It was past midnight when Lexie finally came back home. Kate sprung up from the kitchen table to start her tirade but one look at her daughter's face told her something was wrong.
Lexie's face was red, mascara ran down her cheeks. She closed the door quietly behind her and immediately sunk down on the floor. A moment later she started to weep loudly.
"Lexie, sweetheart?" Kate ventured tentatively, "what's wrong?"
"I don't want to talk about it," she choked out.
"Okay," Kate said, walking towards her. She sank to the floor next to her daughter and pulled her into a tight embrace. Lexie bent her head against on her mother's shoulder and grasped her hard. Her entire body was racked with sobs. Kate stroked her hair and made soothing noises. After many minutes Lexie finally spoke.
"He dumped me," She looked at her mother sorrowfully.
"What?" Kate asked.
"Riley, he dumped me," Lexie told her, "he said I was too young and immature. He said he wanted to be with someone who understands him. He said I don't get him. He said he can't talk to me about real stuff and that I'm shallow and selfish." She bent her back head down after this and cried even louder.
"Sweetie, that is not true," Kate said fiercely, "you are amazing." Lexie shook her head, defeated , "Alexandra, look at me," Kate commanded firmly. Lexie looked up; her blue eyes were rimmed with red.
"You are an incredible girl. You are beautiful and talented and smart and funny. And if Riley can't see that then he's an asshole." Lexie bit her lip and a ghost of a smile flitted across her lips.
"You think?" She asked.
"I know," Kate told her decisively, "And do you wanna know what else I know?" Lexie nodded slowly, "I know that you are going to find a boy that respects you and cares for you and loves you for the wonderful girl that you are."
"I don't know," Lexie said uncertainly.
"Well, I do. I can promise you that one day a man will appreciate you and adore you the way you deserve to be appreciated and adored. And I'm not saying it won't be hard, because it will be hell sometimes. But when you find that guy, that guy who is so right for you in every way, you will be able to work with him and make it through. And Riley? He's not that guy."
"But why does it have to be so hard?" Lexie whimpered.
"Because if something is always easy than it's not real. Love is hard. That's what makes it love- when you find someone with whom you are willing to work through the pain."
Lexie nodded slowly but didn't say anything else. Kate held her close again, stroked her hair and rubbed her back just like she had when she was little. After a long time Lexie stopped crying. She rose up off the floor and kissed her mother good night.
Soon afterwards Kate followed Lexie up the stairs. She walked down the hallway and pushed open the door to Sawyer's study. The room was dark; the blue light of the computer lit up his face. He was concentrated on his work that he didn't notice Kate come in until she spoke.
"Lexie's home," Kate told him. He turned to face her.
"Oh yeah? Did you read her the riot act?" He asked.
"No," Kate said, "Riley broke up with her. She's really upset but I think she'll be ok."
"Is it wrong to say I'm happy that son of a bitch broke her heart?" Sawyer asked wryly, "I mean, I love the girl to death, but I hated that little ass-wipe. She can do so much better than that idiot."
"I think the worst is over," Kate ventured tentatively.
"It had better be," Sawyer said with a smile.
Kate didn't answer. Instead she stepped towards him, pulled his chair away from the desk and clambered onto his lap.
"What are you doing?" He asked her, astounded. Kate simply shook her head and kissed him deeply. She pushed her body against his and started to unbutton his shirt. He moaned with want before pulling her back and gazing into her eyes.
"What is all this for?" He asked.
"I just love you so much," Kate said, her eyes brimmed with tears, "you are the most incredible man I've ever known and I love you more than I ever thought possible."
"I love you, too, Freckles," he said, "I always have and I always will."
Kate kissed him again, slowly and tenderly this time. She placed her hands on his cheeks and felt his lips against hers. He pulled her shirt up over her head and carried her to the couch.
They made love like it was their first time. They explored each other's bodies, kissing each other deeply and all over. Kate was filled with an intense longing to be with this man, her husband, her lover, the father of her children, her soulmate. Afterwards she lay in his arms as he trailed his fingers up and down her spine.
"How do you do it?" He asked.
"Do what?"
"How do you put up with me, with the kids, with everything?"
She looked at him in confusion.
"I do it because I love you and I love our life together. I go through all the bad parts because I know the good parts more than make up for it. I do it because there is no one in the world I would rather tough it out with. I do it because all this, the good, the bad, it's all worth it just to be with you and our children. I do it because that's what makes it love."
FIN