Chapter 1: Giving up
I looked at the sky aimlessly again today with the wind blowing in my face. I try to calmly draw his face within the clouds. His lips, his eyes are lovable today of all days. I tell myself that I need to look away or I'm going to cry again. He doesn't belong to me. Amber likes him I can't betray her like that not after everything she has done for me. But…every time I look at you, my heart just melts all over, you're the only one for me. Should I try to run to you even though it might break my best friend's heart? Your tiny expressions and your hilarious comments make my heart race. I thought about letting you go and leave everything behind because Amber is in love with you and she may confess to you anytime soon. But no I haven't been able to do it, your sweet smile always catches me off guard, you are always in my mind. I love you, I love you. I just want to smile forget everything, pretend nothing has happened. What should I do? Its killing me.
"Sephy!" I turn my head to the sound of a familiar voice "There you are, we have been looking for you" says Amber throwing her arms around my neck. I never told my feelings for Armin to Amber or Charlotte, or Li nor anyone, I kept them locked up. I couldn't bear to see the hurt, betrayal in her eyes. If amber was to ever find out, it will surely ruin our friendship I don't want that to happen so I kept them hidden even though it hurts so much.
"Come on stop daydreaming we are going to be late for class" said Charlotte. I tuck my black curls behind my ear"Ok I'm coming" I smiled sweetly.
In class I sit at my desk quietly, my eyes wonder to Armin's seat….he's not here yet, where is he? I ask myself then the classroom door swings open. My heart leaped in my throat as I see the familiar boy walk through the door.
"You're late Armin!" snaps Mr. Fraenzi. Armin just shrugs as if he doesn't care and walks towards his seat. I can hear his trainers pressing against the wooden floor click click click, oh god he's coming closer, look away Sethy look away but my eyes won't leave him. My heart is beating so fast I swear the whole classroom can hear it, he's coming closer to my seat what do I do? I can't calm my heart. I clutch to my chest helplessly then his deep blue eyes met mine only for a brief second, which was enough to make my heart melt. Does he recognise me? Its been two months since he moved here…..I haven't spoken to him once, I was too nervous, too frightened that ill mess up, too scared of his reaction. I regret it all, I should have said something like "Hi Armin, it's me Persephone do you remember?" no that's sounds stupid, too embarrassing, but I want to talk to him, I want him, I need him like air to breathe. But…..I clutch to my dress….he….belongs to someone and it's killing me inside, I can't do that to my best friend. I can't betray her, she will be making her move soon and when that happens I'll have to give up. I've liked him for five long years, no progress has happened. There's no point carrying on this unrequited love, nothing will happen I must give up.
I hear a chair being pulled behind me, oh no out of all the missing seats in the classroom he picks the one behind me why? But….bu….but his seat is like on the other side of the classroom. Why did he pick the one behind me? Why would he do that? We all have a seating plan in here, everyone has to sit in a certain place, why? I won't be able to concentrate on sir, oh please don't let me turn around please because I won't be able to stop staring at him….. But I want to see if its true…..but I can't, I will look like a complete idiot. I feel my face getting warmer, he's only a like 20 centimetres behind me, I can't breathe, I can't think, I can't focus, my heart is thundering in my chest. Doesn't he realise he's all I think about? I think I'm going crazy….he's the only one who makes me feel this messed up, doesn't he realise that he has this kind of effect on me?
"Persephone" it's hopeless even if I carried on this stupid crush he will never like a girl like me, it's completely impossible. It probably never even crossed his mind that would even date a girl like me, because we have been good friends for so long. He couldn't possibly see me as girlfriend so quickly. So its best that I give up. "Hey Persephone" Amber likes him, he would be better with her because she is beautiful strong independent women, she likes dressing up, she's perfect for him so that's why, its best I give up and I will, I can. I will find another man just as perfect as Armin I will, just watch me. "PERSEPHONE" someone wacked me over the head, I hear a chuckle behind me.
"What?"
"Don't what me, I have been calling you 3 times" screamed sir. Oops how long was I spacing out? How embarrassing!
"I'm sorry sir, I was just…"
"Just what, is my lesson that boring to you?"
"No sir"
"I certainly hope not. Now because you weren't listening answer this equation on the board" sir pointed towards the white board. I see a very complicated maths equation; I stare at sir puzzled "I'm not sure sir"
"Well I'm not surprised Persephone, if you listened more than you might get somewhere with this question"
"Sorry" Mr. Fraenzi sighs and walks back to the front of the classroom. I am so stupid, getting all flustered and spacing out just because some guy is sat behind you….but he isn't just some guy though. He is amazing and that smile ooh if I just see him smile I will melt all over….wait Sephy stop you are doing it again. Stop it! Concentrate on sir's lesson or you will get in trouble again, I can't afford to let my grades to drop. Common girl focus focus…UGH it's no use, Armin's face keeps popping back into my mind, he has changed so much, he's not that little boy I use to know. This is so annoying, I can't focus on sir, I'm going to get in trouble again.
After class, I walk towards the classroom door to meet my friends, I turn around before exiting the classroom. I wonder where Armin has gone, I can't see him anywhere. "What was that all that about in there with sir shouting at you? It's not like you to space out like that" says Amber distracting me from my thoughts.
"Yeh, I guess I'm a little tired" I lied. I hate lying but I couldn't tell her the truth that I was all flustered with Armin sat behind me…if he was that is? Because if he wasn't then I'm really am stupid.
"Really haven't you been sleeping well?" ask Charlotte.
"Are you ill" says Li putting her hand on my fore head checking if I have a fever. I took her hand.
"Really girls I'm fine"
Amber smiles in relief "Well I hope so"
"Oh yeh Amber, how did you're date with Armin go yesterday" asks Charlotte. My heart stops, even time stops. Da….te with Armin, I suddenly feel sick…..so they are already progressing and he's only been here two months. My chest hurts, I must give up these feelings it's the only way I feel better and for Amber, I can happily let her have him…can I right?. Armin will be a lot happier with Amber I just know. I mean I'm this pathetic girl who can't even say hi to him and they even went out on a date.
"Oh yes, I was about to tell you all about it, it was amazing" I feel sick again.
"….We even held hands and put his arm on my shoulder" I want to disappear.
"… he kissed me on the cheek" please stop…it hurts too much.
"Really, oh my god that's so amazing I'm so happy for you Amber" Li clapped her hands happily.
"Yeh and maybe on your next date you two will be kissing passionately" oh dear god, I think I'm gonna puke.
"Hey Sephy, Armin sat behind you in class today… did he say anything about yesterday" so it was true he sat behind me.
"No he didn't" I say softy trying to force out a smile so you won't see how much this is killing me. But if he did I would have probably lied about it, I want to relieve the pain of my aching heart. Though I am secretly relieved, he didn't say anything because I don't think my heart will take it, hearing about him on date with a girl that's not even me, in fact he didn't even talk to me at all. I take my leave quickly before they ask me anymore questions. I hear my name being called behind me, I refuse to respond. I run down the corridor trying to hold back the tears….I must give up, I must give up it's the only way things will get better. Then I will be able to support her, and I will able to tell her the truth, when he says anything to me about their date. When they do start dating, she better hold him tight, tell him she loves him and give him lots of love and affection, go on lots of dates, play games together on his console and laugh at all his jokes that I will never be able hear again. So Amber will be one lucky girl because she will have everything that I will have to live without.
"Oww" I suddenly find myself on floor, I must have bumped into someone "Oh I'm so sorry, I wasn't watching where I was going…."
I was interrupted "Oh no, it's my fault for standing in the middle of the corridor" huh that voice. I looked up….. my face turned 50 shades of red I'm sure of it. OH MY GOD IT…..ITS….AR…..MIN. Oh my god what do I do? What do I do? My heart is beating so fast, I think it's gonna explode. I can't believe I bumped into him, I'm so embarrassed right now, I want to disappear, I can't even show my face to him. I cover my face with my hands
"Don't worry about it, I should have looked where I was going" I say. Ugh I must have sounded so stupid to him talking with my hands covering my face. This small chat is not going well, I want to die.
I hear a small chuckle…..did he laugh? Because I'm sure he did but it could be my imagination I am covering my face…seriously I must look so pathetic to him and still on the floor…..why am I still on floor, I mean most normal people would have got up by now. But then again I am not your average teenage girl.
"Why are you still on the floor?" what he's still here? I can't believe it… I must be dreaming maybe I'm still in bed at home and dreamt the whole thing and I'll wake up in a few moments, such a disappointment! I removed my hands from my face and he's still there…..knelt down before me holding out his hand to me, smiling sweetly at me. My heart quickened what should I do? Should I grab it….I mean what if it's a joke? Because he is always joking around, what if I try to grab his hand and then he tells me what are you doing and gets up and walks away? I'll die of embarrassment all over again. What if I'm really fantasizing about this? What if I'm in my bed sleeping right now dreaming about the impossible? I think I'm gonna cry if that were true. I stare at his hand, my face feels warm again I'm sure I'm beetroot red right now….is it ok to take it? Amber is not around right? Maybe just this once I will give in to my feelings.
I slowly take his hand, my fingers grasp around his. His hand feels so big, so warm, so soft, I don't want to let go. My heart aches again…Amber held this hand, she felt this warmth….I …..I don't like it, I don't want to give Armin to Amber, I don't want them to date. I want him all to myself, I don't want to let go of his hand and yet I feel guilty of my thoughts as if I'm rebelling against my wishes to give up and not betray my best friend. But I can't let go, I grip his hand tightly as he pulls me up. I want him to hold me like he held Amber, I want him to kiss me on the cheek like he did with Amber, I want to hold hands with him like Amber did. His warmth has left my hand like a child's favorite blanket was snatched away from it.
Armin has let go, I bring my hand to my chest. I can still feel his warm hand upon mine, that warmth that I will never feel again….I looked up at his face. Goodness he's grown since I last saw him, he use to be so tiny now he's like a giant.
"Thank you" I whisper. My eyes drop to his mouth…I wonder what it would be like to taste them, my face feels warm again and to hold that muscular body. WHA an earth am I'm thinking, I suddenly came to my senses, like that's ever gonna happen. Stop it stupid mind, stupid brain, stupid life. Stop thinking such idiotic thoughts; I whack myself on my head to bring myself back to reality.
Armin looks at me puzzled "Your welcome, anyway….I don't think we have been introduced yet, my name is Armin" he held out his hand towards me…..if guns were aloud in England I will certainly bring it to school and shoot him. Not like guns would be aloud in school….but WHO CARES! Ill sneak it in. He doesn't even remember me, I puffed out my cheeks angrily. This is absolutely absurd! I honestly cannot believe it, how can he not recognize me. I haven't changed that much…have I?
"Persephone" I shook his hand.
"Hey, are you one of Amber's friends" he seriously doesn't recognize me, I honestly want that gun. Although I am secretly happy that I am finally talking to him, finally having a normal conversation. Soooo happy!
"Yes I am"
"Wow, have you seen her by the way, I was looking for her you see" my heart aches, I guess he does like Amber after all. I mean people can fall in love within 2 months, people can fall in love within seconds.
Before I can even answer him I hear a familiar voice.
"Armin" Amber comes running over. My heart sinks; my first real conversation in years with Armin is ruined, my first real moment with him gone, out the window, vanished out of thin air. Amber runs towards him and kissed him on the cheek, I look towards the floor I can't watch. They began talking about their date and how much they enjoyed it… it was painful watching them. They look so happy together, I walked away silently. I will leave them to it, I don't want to disturb them.
Looking so grossed in their conversation, both of them would have forgotten I was there.
What was I thinking, thinking I could get my hopes up just from one conversation? I'm so stupid; I collapse down on the bench in the court yard. No matter how sad it sounds, Armin belongs to Amber, I realize that today from looking how happy they look together. I will support her, I cannot let my feelings get in the way, I just can't. I will not give in to my feelings again I…I will lock these feelings deep in to my heart and throw away the key. I was so happy to see Armin again after all these years, I even had hopes of maybe….we could…..you know become a couple now that we are older. But now all my hopes and dreams were shattered in a million pieces when Amber told me she liked Armin and she wanted me to help her win him over. Even if I did let my feelings out….the hurt….the betrayal in Amber's eyes that alone breaks my heart, I can't do that to her. She saved my life, I owe her that. So I have to avoid him as much as possible, try not be alone with him, make sure there are people around us.
Amber can have the man she wants and I will soon find someone better. I will give up…..but can I? will I ever be able to that? My thoughts always let go of his name until I see his face again. These are the words I will always hold back.
I love you Armin, I always have.
Before I knew it tears were falling, I wipe them away. I feel so pathetic, I looked up at the sky aimlessly again I can picture Armin's face with in the clouds, I need to look away before it's too late…before I get really hurt. As long he's happy then that's all that matters to me.
"Persephone….are you ok" I looked up, I see the student body president Nathaniel. What does he want I don't really feel like talking right now.
I wipe my tears "What can I do for you" I forced a smile out.
"Well nothing really. But are you alright, you looked like you were crying a minute ago so I wondering if you were ok"
"I'm fine Nathaniel, just got something in my eye that's all" I'm such a terrible liar, obviously he doesn't buy it. My face says it all.
"Really…" he looks puzzled for a second "Well Persephone if you ever need anything or just want to talk, you know where to find me"
"Thank you" Nathaniel smiled and started to go back inside the school then stopped and turned to face me "You know Sephy, you have been at this school for over a year now and I know you, don't bottle everything up, tell my sister your feelings you might be surprised by her reaction" then he left. He can see right through me, sorry Nathaniel thank you for your advice but I wish things were that simple. If I told Amber I liked Armin, she will be heartbroken, I can't do that to her, I just can't…..I will be fine, don't worry I will. Everything will be fine, it will take time, it doesn't happen overnight, it may take a few weeks, months. But I will be ok, eventually I will give up.
...I hope