Thank you all who have intentionally, or accidentally stumbled on this page. If you have not read any of my previous works then don't. Why? Cos' this is my first XD. Enjoy
UNBETAED
Warning M for swearing but who cares?
It was a day of very low probability. Ron woke up, brushed his teeth (being ambushed by Lavender on the way), washed up and headed for a splendid breakfast served by the house-elves, all the while oblivious of being glared at by Hermione. Harry, as usual, ignored this and observed his map. Something strange was going on he observed on his Marauder's map. Meanwhile, the entire Slytherin house changing to the scarlet and gold colours of Gryffindor courtesy of Fred and George Weasley as he observed his map.
Ignoring this Ron continued on snogging Lavender, Harry dashed up to the Room of Requirement, leaving Hermione behind with a pair of thrashing eels. "Why is it always me?" Hermione thought as Ron and Lavender continued snogging, disgusted Harry that left her behind, she got up and left.
Ron stopped for a while to catch his breath (Lavender looking pleased) and noticed the Great hall was empty. Very Empty. Leaving only him, Lavender and Malfoy. "Wait what Malfoy!" Malfoy not realising that Ron and Lavender were snogging (under the table thanks to their enthusiasm), lifted up his left sleeve and absently rubbed his Dark Mark. "Fascinating, I'd better tell Harry-", Ron was cut mid-way in his thoughts as Lavender insisted on being kissed again. "Hooray for free periods after breakfast." Ron indulged himself for the next hour or so, by which Malfoy had left long before it ended.
…
"Hey Harry, what's up?" Ron dragged Lavender from transfiguration, meeting an irate Harry on the way to Lunch. "I still can't catch that motherfucking Malfoy! I know he's up to something and I'm gonna prove it! And shove it up your nose!" Back still facing Ron, Harry waved his wand and the Marauders map hysterically, causing quite a few people and portraits to give him scandalised looks.
"Blimey, Harry's on a temper today!" Ron felt something nagging at the back of his mind, but Lavender pushed him into the hole concealed behind a nearby tapestry. They snogged themselves into a blissful oblivion until the sound of 2 particular loathsome voices were screaming at each other nearby.
Ron gestured (or was it more of forced?) Lavender to stop and listened intently. "Well, your plan seems to have failed back there, did you honestly believe Slughorn would have passed that bottle to Dumbledore? A weak attempt indeed," Sneered by a slick, oiled voice belonging to the one voice all Gryffindors hated, Severus Snape.
"Look, I don't need your fucking help! You're just stealing my glory! The plan with the Room of requirement is working perfectly, I just needed to set Dumbledore on edge!" another loathed voice screamed shrilly, Malfoy ("Wait what! Malfoys don't scream in a shrilly tone!"), Draco flushed.
"Indeed? Then you won't mind me asking why the connection between the vanishing cabinet hasn't been fixed yet? After all, I am on first-name terms with Burke." Snape produced a leering sneer, baring his uneven yellow teeth. Doing something ridiculously brave (A/N: main trait of Gryffindors after all is being brave and the second sub trait is being stupid XD), he stepped out and screamed "stop there you two slimy snake-gits, you're up to something for lord Mouldypants aren't you?"
He proceeded to draw his wand, only to be interrupted by Peeves' sudden appearance. "Ickle Snape and Malfoy and another Weasly redhead, I guess I better do nothing to you all." Peeves proceeded to watch them. Snape, Malfoy and Ron froze, who knew what Peeves had up his sleeves. Ron proceeded to draw his wand completely but stopped. Peeves placed his hand into his pocket. Peeves withdrew a bowtie and placed it on his neck. Ron froze once more unsure of what to do. Malfoy and Snape had utter looks of horror on their faces. "Well, what're you waiting for? Start duelling!" Peeves exclaimed. Malfoy and Snape both drew their wands, Ron's wand at half-mast pointing straight at Malfoy. Peeves stuck his hands into his pockets again, he withdrew a banana. Once again they froze. Peeves unpeeled the banana threw the peel onto the floor and chucked its innards straight out of the window. "Start duelling already!" Peeves bellowed, annoyed at the lack of noise and movement.
Ron gave Malfoy and Snape a look meaning "peace truce". Ron grabbed Lavender and ran as Peeves started flinging ink pellets at staff and students alike. Peeves was in an horrid mood by the time Ron reached potions.
"Hey Harry, how was lun-" only to be interrupted by what was the sound of Peeves successfully unscrewing the Great chandelier which lay in the Entrance Hall.
"All staff are to report to the staff room now, as I need to be seen doing something important which will make me seem as though I am worthy of being headmaster. You students forget you ever heard this announcement and go for a free period now!" Dumbledore's magically enhanced voice rang through Hogwarts and a simultaneous whoop of joy could be heard all the way to America.
"Yo Luna, what's up? Why are you walking backwards?" Ron fell headfirst onto Luna's chest on the way to the common room. "I just wondered if I walked backwards my name would be recognised by people backwards you know what it spells backwards right? After all not only should my front be presentable but so should my back" Luna gave Ron a mysteriously Dumbledorish twinkle. At this Ron winced and commented he needed to go to the toilet for some exercise.
15 min later, after finishing his bowel movements, he came out of the stall, only to find Malfoy crying into a sink. "Poor bloke, must have gotten the rough job of killing Dumbledore." Ron did the only thing he knew would spare him the attention of a Malfoy, he fucking jumped out of the window. (A/N: Idiotic DADA probably didn't teach them Disillusionment charms)
1 hour, 13 mended bones, a visit from Dumbledore and a howler (express delivery) later, Ron was discharged out of the hospital, grinning like a maniac.
"Harry you overdid the cheering charm again." Hermione sighed exasperatedly. "Duh, we were too busy worrying about you that lesson to learn the theory properly!"
"Fine, but hope he gets some sense knocked into him after that "fall"." Hermione muttered as Ron began sticking his thumb out at passing students as though hoping to hitch a ride. As they entered the Great Hall, Harry commented, "I sincerely hope he doesn't start acting like Mario."
Unfortunately, someone else did start doing that that moment. Colin Creevey spotted Harry and started jumping onto the heads of other students in the crowded hall hoping to reach Harry and earn some coins.
"Fucking fan-clubs" Harry whipped out his cloaked and ran to the RoR. Ron however was left grinning like a maniac with Hermione hanging round trying to stop his new bizarre habit.
…
Naturally Lavender chose that moment where Hermione was hugging Ron to prevent him from lifting his arms to show up. Ron continued grinning like a Maniac and gave the internationally accepted peace sign of "V", palm facing Lavender, of course she misinterpreted and screamed, "Ron Weasely! How many women have taken under conquest! Hermione's part of a trophy collection of conquests with me eh?"
Harry meanwhile seemed to have stumbled on a massive hiding place in the Room of Requirement, he hid behind a cabinet and dislodged a diadem, ignoring it when it made a hissing sound. Half an hour later he walked into the Great Hall, only to find the students in a food fight. Luna had nothing on her amazingly, Ginny had chilli sauce over her robes, Ron was being pelted and looking downright confused, Hermione out with her wand blocking all that approached her front, sadly her back didn't go unscathed.
Harry sighed, "why always me?" He thought glumly and cast Sonorous on himself. "When you fuckers have enough sense to stop being monkeys please seat yourselves and Scourgify this goddam mess!" No one liked the chosen one being angry should his blood pressure rise through the roof and he pops his clogs, who would be left to save the wizarding world. Certainly, not his mad old wizard or sidekicks.
"Uhh, Harry, professor Dumbledore says for you to meet him in his office immediately." Colin popped up and gave Harry Dumbledore's miraculously clean scroll. "Thanks bub" Harry spinted away.
"Hey Gargoyles open up will ya? I've got an appointment with Dumbledore!""No password, no admittance.""How about I give you a new password?" Harry tapped his wand menacingly against the Gargoyle. "I think Reducto would be a really good one here don't you think?"
The Gargoyle laughed and its head exploded that instant. "Boom, headshot!" behind him came the disgusting laugh of Bellatrix with a bunch of Death Eater Babies. Harry pumped up all the good lung power of his mom's and dad's and screamed "Peeves!"
"What the fucking hell was that!""That I believe is the hunting call of the chosen one." Ron sat awestruck as Hermione answered his question. Ginny was already headed towards the epicentre of Harry's voice. A few windows were broken as Ginny went closer to the source. But she was too late.
…
Peeves had Bellatrix tied in extra-strength anti-magic titanium steel alloy ropes, hanging from the chandelier Peeves recently dropped and her baby Death Eaters, were running around in bibs and diapers pining for their wands from Peeves. Harry was disarmed-via laughter, sitting next to the Gargoyle laughing his head off. Dumbledore returned with the fake locket thinking, "idiot Tom, I just forced an Inferi to drink it all for me, easy as pie." Dumbledore stopped next to his office and realised that Harry was laughing his head off.
"Now, now Harry, the next time you feel like summoning Peeves, please restrain yourself so that people at Little Hangleton won't hear you next time." Dumbledore seemed perfectly oblivious of the fact Bellatrix was hanging in the Entrance hall, and a couple of "Baby" Death Eaters were chasing Peeves for their wands in his corridor. "Oh well, you were late for our appointment and I've got nothing left to teach you. Good luck with Voldiebore."
Harry immediately seeked out Ron immediately. Ron had regained all his memories thanks to Plot Armour. Don't look at me like that, he's a main character.
"Harry, I have something to tell you, and I need to tell you in private." Ron whispered. "Shoo! I don't care if I'm breaking the 4th Wall just shoo!" (A/N: I believe Ron is talking about you there…) "Harry you know the first part before the separating 6 dots? Please reread that, done?" Harry nodded. "Why The Fuck did you jump out of that window you should have stunned Malfoy and then ran!""Not my fault the author did this in the name of attempted humour" (A/N:Tried my best ok…) "You know what let's quit from this author's manipulative actions, getting sick of them telling us where to go, what to fucking say and what to fucking do!" "I know who can help us with that!" Evil grin spreads. "Ginny!" They cried out! "Bat –Bogey Hexes On the Count of 3. 3-2-1!" Instant faint, Main characters lost Plot Armour. Hint
End
A/N: Some screwed up one-shot this was, if you think you can improve this please do, cos' this sucks shit, note no pairing? Wrong, its Ron/Lavender it's the only one available so take it or have a pairingless one-shot. Hasta