Transmutate: How it SHOULD have been!
By Kingdom of Deke
Summary: It's a parody of the Beast Wars episode 'Transmutate'. What more can be said? What indeed? (crickets start to chirp) Wow, is that a Twinkie I see? (runs away)
'Transmutate: How it SHOULD have been!'
The Darkside, Megatron's throne room…
Megatron can be seen sleeping on his throne, Rampage's Spark Box sitting on a pedestal next to him. As he sleeps he mumbles to himself.
Megatron: ZZZZZ…why yes Miss Hannigan, I would love to coach your lesbian kissing scene with Miss Benson…
(Anyone who's seen Buffy the Vampire Slayer will get the above joke.)
Focus on the doors to the throne room. After a second or two they are roughly forced open by the Crafty Crustacean himself, Rampage. After taking a moment to make sure the Terrific Tyrannosaurus was really asleep he scuttled over to the pedestal and started to reach for his spark. Closer and close he reached until Megatron suddenly slapped his hand down on the box, forcing the Cantankerous Crab to jump back a few feet.
Megatron: Did you really think you could catch me so unawares? I think you need a reminder, yesssss.
Megatron squeezes the Spark Box, causing Rampage to convulse in pain.
Rampage: Urrrhhh…y-you've made your p-point.
Megatron: Oh I don't believe I have, noooo. As extra punishment, I command you to dance!
Rampage: …I beg your pardon?
Megatron: You heard me! Dance! DANCE, MY PUPPET, DANCE!
Rampage: You can't be serious!
Megatron: I'm deadly serious. (waves the Spark Box)
Resigning himself to this most cruel of fates Rampage transformed into his robot mode and prepared to dance.
Megatron: Oh no no no. You are to dance in your beast mode.
Rampage stared for a moment before sighing and transforming back into his crab mode. After a second or two of heavy breathing he started to perform the Lord of the Dance. As a Transmetal crab.
Rampage: Truly, this is hell.
*****
Meanwhile, a short distance away…
Rattrap and Silverbolt, both in beast mode, brace themselves as the earth shakes beneath their feet.
Rattrap: Man, there's a whole lotta shaking goin' on around here!
Silverbolt: It seems unlikely that Megatron would build a jamming station in such an unstable region.
Rattrap: You mean it's no FAULT of his! HAHAHAHA! (notices Silverbolt's perplexed expression) Get it? Fault?
Silverbolt still looks perplexed.
Rattrap: EARTHQUAKE?!? Hello?
Silverbolt (finally getting it): Oh yes, I…heh heh…see. Heh…HAHAHAHAHAHHA!
Silverbolt laughs even harder and rolls onto his back kicking his legs in the air.
Silverbolt: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA…it's no fault of his! HEE HEE HEE! IT'S FUNNY CAUSE IT'S TRUE! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!
Rattrap: …
*****
Back at the Darkside…
Predacon Computer: HOWDLY DODDLY DOO! What a wonderful day it is today!
Megatron turns from watching Rampage break dance to look at the computer's display screen. He sighs in annoyance.
Megatron: Note to self: change computer's personality as soon as possible.
Predacon Computer: Hey, downbeat on the flip-flop Time Pants! I'm spotting three Maximal signals in Grid Deltron, Coordinates 927! Those gnarly Maximals have gotta be stopped!
Megatron: Ya think? (turns to Rampage who is in the middle of a helicopter spin) My dear Rampage, I believe we can put your delightful rage to good use in this situation. Go and stop the Maximals from reaching my jamming station.
Rampage: Thank Primus!
Rampage transforms into his robot mode and makes to leave.
Megatron: But you must still be dancing while you're stopping them, yesssss.
Rampage: ^&*^%&$%^£$%£$%$&%^&$%^£$%"%"£$!!!!!
*****
Back with the Maximals…
Silverbolt: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!
Rattrap: Must…control…paw…of…death!
Cheetor flies down from wherever he was hiding during the last few scenes and lands next to Rattrap, casting a worried glance at the hysterically laughing Fuzor.
Cheetor: Um…so, how will we do this thing then?
The duo wait for Silverbolt to say his line. When it becomes apparent that he won't stop laughing anytime soon Rattrap sighs and says it himself.
Rattrap: Tell ya what kitty cat, you and I will scout around here for a bit while Chuckles here scans those dar mountain peaks. How's that sound?
Cheetor: Sounds good to me. Let's go!
Cheetor activates his jets and takes off toward the horizon as Rattrap transformed into his vehicle mode and drives off after him. Silverbolt, after a few more minutes of chuckling, flew towards the mountains as planned. As Rattrap drives on another tremor ominously shakes the place up.
*****
At the Axalon…
Optimus Primal and Rhinox are staring at a series of computer screens showing seismographic activity.
Primal: More tremors…and they're increasing in intensity.
Rhinox: Our team's close to the epicenter, and with Megatron jamming us…
Primal: I'm going after them! I'm not in the mood to lose any more friends.
Rhinox: Um, if that was the case, shouldn't you have gone out instead of Rattrap? Seeing as how you, Cheetor and Silverbolt can fly, you all would've been safe from the tremors AND you could've safely destroyed the jamming station.
Primal: …
Rhinox: …
Primal (pointing to the screen behind Rhinox): Primus! A nude Milla Jovovich website!
Rhinox: REALLY?!? WHERE?!
The second Rhinox swiveled around to check the screen Primal hauled ass out of there.
*****
The Darkside…
Predacon Computer: HOWDLY DOOD-
Megatron: If you wish to live you will NOT finish that sentence.
Predacon Computer: *GULP* A stasis pod has been uncovered in Grid Deltron Coordinates 917.
Megatron: Hmm…stasis pod…(presses the com system on his throne) Megatron to Inferno!
Inferno (voice): Yes Royalty!
Megatron: Proceed to Coordinates 917 at once! There's a stasis pod there and I WANT IT!Cut to Inferno, who is hovering, and Rampage, who is tap dancing.
Inferno: Then you shall have it! FOR THE GLORY OF THE COLONY!
Laughing to himself the Ferocious Fire Ant flew off in the direction of the stasis pod, getting the attention of Rampage.
Rampage: Where is that bug going?
With a small shrug Rampage tap-danced after Inferno.
*****
A random location in the sky…
Silverbolt: Hee hee hee…no FAULT of his! MUAHAHAHA!
Silverbolt looks down and is stunned to discover Inferno racing off towards the last known location of his comrades.
Silverbolt: Inferno! I can't let him reach my comrades! If he does, Rattrap won't be able to tell me any more funny jokes!
With a heroic burst of music Silverbolt follows Inferno.
*****
Crashed Stasis Pod location…
Inferno lands near the crashed stasis pod, perched precariously as it is on a cliff.
Inferno: I will retrieve it before the others come. (struggles with the heavy pod) *GRUNT* Then I will stand again at the Royalty's side. (Voice suddenly goes all dreamy) Oh yes, what a day that will be…
Cut to Inferno's daydream, which consist of him running in slow motion in a grassy field, his arms outstretched. At the other end of the filed is Megatron, also running in slow motion with his arms outstretched. Romantic, extremely mushy music plays as the two Predacons run toward each other. Closer and closer they come, until they are about to embrace…
Stasis Pod: OI!
Inferno (shocked back to reality): Huh? Wha? (drops the pod)
Stasis Pod: I SAID, 'DNA scan malfunction, datatrax offline. Cancel, cancel!' Dozy git…
Inferno: Something is happening!
Stasis Pod: No shit Sherlock…
Inferno (tapping his communicator): Inferno to Megatron!
Any further attempt to raise Megatron is interrupted by Silverbolt surprising Inferno and lifting him up into the sky.
Inferno: What the…? Hang on a second! What about that bit of dialogue we were supposed to have?
Silverbolt: I decided to skip it. I much rather do the fun part.
Inferno: Fun part?
With that Silverbolt flings Inferno into a nearby rock face. Meanwhile the stasis pod continues to glow with energy as Rampage back flips his way to it, executing a decent split when he reaches it.
Rampage (Moonwalking as he talks): What are you? Another like me perhaps?
Suddenly Silverbolt returns, transforming into his robot mode and striking a heroic pose as he does so.
Silverbolt: Stand away monster!
As this point Rampage has moved on to interpretive dance.
Rampage: HA! Fire, and you'll destroy what you seek to save!
Silverbolt looks horrified, not so much because of the situation but because of Rampage's horrific dancing.
Stasis Pod: Blah blah blah warning blah blah blah deconstruction imminent.
Rampage: Yes, YES! I feel your need, your desire, your desperation for a really good Indian takeaway! Fight your way free and we shall find one! FIGHT!
????: YAHOO!
With that the pod explodes. The explosion is powerful enough to knock Rampage out of his dancing while Silverbolt is knocked off the cliff. He lands next to where Rattrap and Cheetor were buried in the rockslide I didn't describe earlier. Presently Rattrap digs himself out.
Rattrap: What in the name of my Great Aunt Arcee is going on here?
Silverbolt: What happened to you two?
Rattrap: It is a tale long in the telling…
Silverbolt: Then save it. Now come! We must stop Rampage from getting the new Maximal!
Silverbolt transforms into his beast mode and files back up to the cliff. Cheetor digs himself out and ignites his jets.
Cheetor: Let's hit it!
With that Cheetor takes off and grabs Rattrap's tail, taking the Transmetal rodent with him.
Rattrap: HEY HEY HEY! Let me down ya chrome hairball!
Cheetor: Whatever you say!
Cheetor lets go of Rattrap's tail. Unfortunately, instead of landing on the cliff as planned, Rattrap missed it and fell into a really deep chasm, screaming all the while.
Cheetor: …Whoops.
Landing, Cheetor notices the pod's occupant.
Cheetor: What the slag…?
Focus now on a bizarre Transformer, her body looking as if it assembled by a one eyed four-year-old child with Attention Deficit Disorder. Her body glows with energy as she curiously scans her surroundings.
Rampage: Magnificent!
Cheetor: Jeebus, talk about ugly!
Silverbolt: Mind you manners young 'un. We're not here to judge.
Cheetor: Shut it foo'! Big Daddy C will judge if he wants to!
Transmutate (in a Yorkshire accent): Bloody 'ell, I'M ugly? Have you looked in the mirror lately, Mr. I-have-no-lips-in-robot-mode?
Cheetor looks stunned for a moment, before his eyes tear up and he starts to sob wildly.
Cheetor: IT'S NOT MY FAULT! I WANTED LIPS BUT THEY JUST COULDN'T GET THE PARAMATERS RIGHT!
Rampage (by now doing the Russian Cossack Dance): Enough! Join with me my friend and destroy them! If you do, I can give you riches beyond your wildest dreams!
Silverbolt (transforming): No! Join with us and…um…I can give you a hearty handshake! (offers his hand)
Cheetor: BOO HOO HOO…you're a master negotiator aren't ya 'Bolt…WAHHHHHH!
Suddenly Inferno appears!
Inferno: That creature is the property of the Royalty!
Transmutate: Cor blimey guv!
Inferno fires a shot from his flamethrower which accidentally hits Transmutate. Annoyed beyond measure Transmutate lets out an Energon Scream which incapacitates everyone except Rampage, who by now has moved onto Irish Dancing, and Inferno who had ducked out of the way.
Rampage: Transmutate.
Transmutate: Yes?Rampage: Come with me. None shall hurt you now!
Transmutate: But no one's actually hurt me the first time.
Rampage: …Just come with me, 'kay?
Transmutate: Fine.
The duo walk off, Rampage dancing all the while.
Rampage: I will protect you. I am your friend, your ONLY friend.
Transmutate: By the Pit, sounds like SOMEONE'S got some serious control issues…
Silverbolt: Uurgh…we must s-save her…!
He waits for a response but gets none from the unconscious Cheetor. He looks to the sky, as if waiting for a robotic gorilla to emerge from the heavens on a rocket-powered surfboard. Then he remembered that he hadn't brought his hallucinogenics, so there was little chance of seeing something like that.
Silverbolt: To action!
He transforms and flies off in pursuit of Transmutate and Rampage.
*****
Somewhere else…
Rampage (disco dancing): …and then I said to him, 'Oh yeah? Well, your robo puppy shouldn't have mouthed off like that!' And that's how I became King of the Potato People.
Transmutate: …
Suddenly Inferno appears! (again)
Inferno: Stand aside! I shall bring this prize to the Royalty!
Still dancing, Rampage whips out his Tri-Barreled Blaster as Transmutate works up a scream attack. Between them they blow Inferno into the distance.
Inferno: AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO'S WORKING WITH THE SCRIIIIIIIIIIIIIPT?!?!?
Rampage: Ah yes, that was fun. And now…
Primal: And now YOU DIE!
Rampage/Transmutate: ?
Out of nowhere Primal sweeps down and knocks Rampage into a rock face. Leaping to his feet, and to his eternal credit still dancing, Rampage opens his mouth to say something incredibly threatening and scary when he is buried by twenty tons of rock.
Primal/Transmutate: Ouch.
At this point Silverbolt turned up.
Silverbolt: Here I come to save the…(notices Rampage is buried under the rocks) Aw man…
Primal: Well, now that that's sorted would you please come back to the Axalon with us Transmutate? We need to run some tests.
Transmutate considers this for a moment.
Transmutate: OK then. You can't be any weirder than El Loco over there.
Primal: Good. Grab onto my board and I'll fly you there.
Transmutate: No need. I've got my own flight crystal.
Transmutate's back opens up to reveal the crystal, which starts to charge up.
Transmutate: Up, up and…
Suddenly the crystal shoots her into the sky at an unbelievable velocity.
Transmutate: AWAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!
Primal/Silverbolt: Wait up!
The duo fly off after her just as a small tapping can be heard under the rocks.
Rampage: NO! *GRUNT!* You can *UNGH!* not have her Optimus! Her *ARRAGH!* Damn heavy rocks!
*****
A little while later, back at the Axalon…
Transmutate has just finished being scanned and is watching Rattrap, who had managed to crawl out of the chasm, chase Cheetor around the base, screaming demonic curses and brandishing a energon powered chainsaw. Meanwhile Silverbolt walks up to Primal and Rhinox.
Silverbolt: What do the tests show?
Primal: Well, her datatrax are scrambled beyond recovery, her structure is a nightmare and she's a big fan of Ally McBeal.
Maximals (horrified): My god…
Transmutate: HEY!
Primal: Coupled with her sheer power and addiction to beef vindaloo she's a danger to herself and everyone around her.
Transmutate flips everyone present the finger and staggers off as Rhinox continues.
Rhinox: Best thing for us and our sense of smell is to put her in stasis lock…immediately.
Silverbolt (angry): Are we Predacons now? D-
Cheetor (worried): Are we?!?!
Silverbolt watches in awe as his fellow Maximals check the symbol they are wearing before they start to eye each other warily.
Silverbolt: No, when I said 'are we Predacons now' I meant…
Rattrap: What you MEANT was to divert attention from YOURSELF, eh, TRAITOR BOY?!?
Silverbolt: Primus, give me strength…
*****
Around this time, in another part of the Axalon…
Transmutate: Hmm, now that I think about it, my life sucks doesn't it? I mean, I have a body which looks like it was built by the world's biggest sadist, the coolest character in the series died the previous episode, the rest are a collection of brain donors and the only Transformers that like me for who I am are a pair of degenerate lunatics who'd lose a battle of wits with a grapefruit. This bites big time.
Rampage (voice): Transmutate.Warily, Transmutate activates her radio and listens.
Rampage: It is me, your friend. I'm very near.
Transmutate looks out the window to see that the nearby cliff has the words "TRANSMUTATE, I'M OVER HERE! RAMPAGE" written in ninety foot red letters.
Transmutate: Uh…yes, I can see that.
Rampage: Excellent. Follow my signal and…
Transmutate: I won't be needing your signal. I'll be there in a sec.
Transmutate flicks the radio off and takes a deep breath.
Transmutate: OK, here we go.
With that she activates her jet crystal and bursts through the ceiling.
*****
Back in the control room of the Axalon…
Maximal Computer: LISTEN UP MY HOMIES! There's a mondo hull breach in Sector 7!
Silverbolt: Um…I think I'll go check it out.
Silverbolt watches the pitched battle between his teammates as they all yell 'Traitor!' at each other.
Silverbolt: …Yeah. (leaves)
*****
The Cliff of Ultimate Doom…
Transmutate slowed her decent and landed on the cliff, noticing with a growing sense of alarm that the whole place was made to look like a Hawaiian luau, from the fake palm trees to the fake pig roasting on the fake fire on the fake spit. Just as she was convinced that things couldn't get any weirder Rampage appeared dressed like a Hawaii hula dancer, with a grass skirt, a long wig, a necklace of flowers and worst of all, a ukulele which he played (badly). Transmutate's optics threatened to pop out of her sockets if they opened any wider.
Rampage: I knew you'd come to me! We are two of a kind. We belong together!
Transmutate: Oh dear Primus I hope that's not true!
Silverbolt: Stop!
Rampage and Transmutate turn around and spot Silverbolt standing there looking heroic. Or at least he was until he got sight of Rampage.
Silverbolt: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!
Rampage (playing the ukulele in fury): Damned Maximal! DIEEEEEEE!
And so the battle took place, a battle which was so one sided that Rampage may as well have been shadow boxing. Long story short the duo fall of the cliff and land on the ground slightly dazed. As Transmutate looks down on them she is suddenly hit with an idea. So simple an idea, but one which could not only end the Beast Wars to both groups satisfaction but generally improve life for everyone in the galaxy. Overjoyed, she leaps down to share her idea with Rampage and Silverbolt and is inadvertently destroyed by the missiles of both combatants, having missed their dialogue. Rampage and Silverbolt look suitably horrified. By now dancing the rather inappropriate Dance of Joy the crab stooped and picked up Transmutate's head, whose eyes still glimmered.
Transmutate: Yoouuuu…guuyyyyss…
Rampage leans forward to catch the last word.
Transmutate: …suck. (dies)
Rampage: WAAAAAAARRRRRRGHHHHHHHH!
Primal and Cheetor, both fairly damaged, arrive and land next to the grief stricken Silverbolt.
Primal: I'm sorry. But if it's any consolation, we sealed those traitors Rhinox and Rattrap in rocket pods and fired them into the sun.
Silverbolt: YOU WHAT?!?! But they…oh never mind.
Primal: You'd better return to base. Cheetor and I will take care of Rampage.
Silverbolt: No, let him be. For the moment, we are brothers.
Rampage looks up with an angry expression on his face.
Rampage: Dude! That's supposed to be a secret! Dad's gonna be SO pissed when we get home!
The End.
So, what'd y'all think? If I get enough favorable reviews I'll do another Beast Wars parody! 'Till then, SLAN (Goodbye)!