A/N Because I haven't posted anything in ages. This is dedicated to my friend, because I can see that she's worrying about her piano exam and this will hopefully cheer her up even though it's not a very cheerful start to a fic.
Warning: Dark!Doctor at the beginning of the story.
The universe was silent the day he lost her. And the white wall just stared, impassive. His grief could easily encompass several realities, but he couldn't cross them. One hand on the wall, he allowed no tears to fall. Because once you start, how do you stop?
He was alone again. More alone than before he met her, because now he knew what he was missing out on. Idly, he wondered if he should just pack it all in and die now, to save himself the effort of it happening slowly. But a stinging memory of her jolted him back to reality. He could see her in his mind's eye, just as if she was standing in front of him. Her tongue was poking out from her parted lips, melting eyes framed by a golden halo of blonde hair. She was repeating his words from the Gamestation, oh so long ago, when he had still been all big ears and leather jackets.
Be fantastic. Do that for me.
She had loved him, even then.
He came to a decision. He would carry on like he always did. Day after day of saving the universe. But every time, it would be for her. For Rose. Each time would bring him closer to two outcomes – seeing her again, or dying. He didn't know how or when, and he knew it was impossible, but he had learnt that if you didn't have hope, you had nothing. He pushed back from the wall, and walked back towards the TARDIS. His course was set.
500 years later…
He had the man by the neck, pinning him against the wall.
"Where? Where did you see her?" he snarled. When there was no answer, he tightened his hold, cutting off the man's airflow even further. "You see this here?" he reached into his pocket, easily keeping the man pinned with one arm. "This is a trans-dimensional flux bomb," he pushed the spherical object into the man's face. "Or it's the bomb that destroys all of Phrax. Press this button here and it all explodes. And the fragments keep on exploding, and exploding all over again until there is nothing left. Not even a speck. Your choice,"
The man looked at the Time Lord nervously, flinching away from the expression he saw there. "I swear I don't know-" he stammered.
A huge shockwave rocked the room, making the wall shake. "That was Phrax. Last chance," he hissed,
The man finally began to speak, and was soon after dropped to the floor in a breathless heap. A corner of a trench coat disappeared through the doorway.
The Doctor's head peered through the window of Torchwood 3. Inside, he saw Jack desperately typing something the Doctor recognised as the TARDIS's old phone number. He rolled his eyes. He had gotten rid of that centuries ago. Looking closer, he saw her. It was Rose. She was sitting next to Jack, biting her lip. His hearts melted slightly at the sight of her, still looking the same as she had so many years ago now, on that day. The lapse lasted for mere seconds, before his hearts hardened again. 500 years ago he would have rushed in there and given her a tight hug. He had changed.
He turned back to the TARDIS, when a cold blackness descended upon him, as well as a sharp blow to the head. The pain was nothing, absolutely nothing compared to what he had experienced since that day, but still enough to make him fade into unconsciousness.
"We've found someone!" Owen burst into the main room of the Hub, carrying a dead weight across his shoulders. "He was snooping around outside. An intruder,"
Both Rose and Jack's eyes widened as they saw the converse clad feet.
"It's the Doctor!" Rose's heart felt fit to burst.
Owen shrugged and rather unceremoniously dropped the Doctor on the floor. "He'll probably wake up soon – he's just unconscious," He looked from Rose's face to Jack's, then back again, and hurriedly left, calling out "You could have told me you knew him before I knocked him out!" as he went out.
"Doctor!" Jack ran over, and kissed the Time Lord's unresponsive lips forcefully. "If I can't do it when he's awake…" Jack grinned. "I'll leave you to be the first person he sees when he wakes up," Jack winked suggestively.
The world slowly swam back into focus. The Doctor could hear the faint hum of technology and recollected being in Torchwood. But more importantly, Rose was leaning over him. He drew in a deep breath, inhaling her scent. As soon as Rose saw his eyes open, her face split into that wide smile he used to know so well, a small tear of joy welling at the corner of her eye. She reached out to touch his hair, and he recoiled, snapped out of his momentary trance. He pushed her away, only using slightly less force than he would have with anyone else.
"Don't touch me!" he shouted.
Rose stared at him in confusion, hurt apparent in her eyes. "Doctor, it's me, it's Rose! I came back, I found a way to cross the void-"
"I know who you are," the Doctor said, struggling to keep his voice in check. He changed the topic – there was one thing he wanted to know before he left. "How long has it been for you?"
Rose looked heartbroken at his gruff tone. "A month," she whispered. He breathed out in relief. That was good. She still had her whole life in front of her. Rose moved closer to him, concern colouring her eyes. "And for you?"
He didn't answer, just turned away and faced the wall.
"Doctor," Rose said gently, tears falling down her face freely now. "What's wrong? You and I, I thought we were going to stay together forever,"
The Doctor spun around abruptly, and Rose jerked back from the cold intensity in his eyes. "We were. But I'm not the man you fell in love with, Rose. I'm not good enough for you anymore. I never was," he stressed the words. Why couldn't she understand? In the relatively short time period of five centuries he had done things, terrible things. He had killed people, whole planets – his rage had been so all consuming that he had almost recreated another Time War.
"I promised you forever, Doctor," Rose said seriously. "And nothing's going to change that."
The Doctor snorted. "You've got a Torchwood here that needs you. Jack will look after you. You have your whole life left to live, so live it! Look – I can't-" the Doctor broke off and nearly ran out of the room, cursing himself for letting her make him feel this way. But the TARDIS wasn't where he had left it.
"JACK!" the Doctor shouted murderously, finding the immortal instantly and grabbing him roughly, ignoring the shocked looks of the other Torchwood members. Gwen openly gasped and Ianto moved forward, pulling out his gun.
"It's OK guys! The Doctor just likes it rough!" Jack laughed, addressing his team. Ianto lowered his gun, unsure.
"Where. Is. The. TARDIS?" the Doctor punctuated each word harshly.
Jack remained unfazed – or if he was shocked, he didn't show it. "You're not getting it back until you've sorted out everything with Rose, Doc," Jack said calmly.
"I could kill you," the Doctor whispered in Jack's ear, his voice dangerously calm.
"I know," Jack answered. "But you won't. Because there is still a shred of the old you left in there, and he would never…"
For a moment it seemed as if Jack had gotten through to the enraged Time Lord, and the Doctor's grip loosened. Then there was a collective gasp as he snapped Jack's neck easily. "He never would. But I've changed," he said harshly, and strode out.
A few seconds later jack burst back into life to see the faces of his team leaning over him anxiously.
"He's mad…" murmured Ianto.
"He's a murderer." Owen said bluntly. "Are you just going to let him get away?"
"Don't go near him!" Jack snapped. "Don't." He paused and stood up slightly shakily. "I never knew what the Doctor's enemies felt like…"
"You always talked about him like he was a god. A good man," Gwen said.
"In some ways he is a God. But there are more sides to him than that. How else could people call him both the Oncoming Storm and the Lonely Angel? But…" Jack trailed off. "I'm quite sure I know what happened. It's a long story,"
"We've got time…" Ianto suggested.
"There's a murderer on the loose up there! Aren't you worried about Rose at all?" Owen said angrily.
"Rose is the last person he'd hurt. And the Doctor won't be anywhere near her," Jack ran out. "Back in a sec!"
Jack found the Doctor exactly where he'd thought – slouching against the walls of the TARDIS. The metal safe it had been in was wrenched apart, the blue box sitting in the remains of it, but then again, Jack hadn't expected anything less. He knew that the Doctor had hid his less human side when Rose was around.
Slowly, the Doctor turned to look up at Jack. "What did you do to her?" he asked, his voice devoid of any emotion – so detached Jack felt a shiver run down his spine. "What did you do to the TARDIS?"
"I didn't do anything!" Jack protested, holding his hands up in universal surrender.
"Then why isn't she letting me in?" the Doctor demanded, his voice regaining some of his Oncoming Storm status.
"Maybe the old girl agrees that you've got to stay here for a bit," Jack pointed out.
The Doctor stood up suddenly, his eyes blazing. "Don't tell me what to do!" he spluttered. The rage went as quickly as it had come, making another shiver run down Jack's spine.
"Doctor," Jack said, "You can't keep running away from things. Even a Lord of Time can't escape Time forever. Every time you run, you leave a bit of yourself behind, and it just doesn't work! You tell yourself it does because anything that happens in the future will be better than your past. Deep down, you know that's true,"
The Doctor looked at Jack sceptically, but stayed put.
"Tell me," Jack said, sitting down next to the Time Lord.
"Tell you what?"
Jack sighed. This was going to be difficult. "Rose," he said simply. When this provoked no answer, he carried on. "I saw you once after the rift closed. You were devastated. The look on your face – it scared me, Doctor. I thought you loved Rose. And now she's back, and you're running away from her,"
The Doctor looked at Jack, his eyes more ancient than ever before. "Do you know how long ago that day was for me, Jack?" he asked, his tone bitter.
Jack shook his head.
"500 years. Five centuries. I changed, Jack," the Doctor's voice turned ruthless. "I'm not good enough for Rose anymore. Rose is so… she's innocent, and pure and good, and I'm not…" the Doctor trailed off and stared into space with a familiar heartbroken expression. "She deserves better, so much better,"
"Doctor," Jack said sternly. "Rose will always want you, no matter what you do,"
"I know!" the Doctor thundered. "And that's the problem!" the Doctor continued less violently. "Look after her, Jack. Make sure she's safe."
Jack put his head into his hands and sighed. The Doctor went back to sonicking the TARDIS furiously, trying to get in.
"Where's Rose?" Jack asked, not really expecting an answer. To his surprise the Doctor looked up.
"Left her in the room I woke up in," he said gruffly, but his voice was soft.
Jack decided to go and talk to her. He trusted the TARDIS not to let the Doctor in. On his way out, he was stopped by the Doctor's voice behind him.
"Phrax? Translat? Rapuchia? Heard of them?" the Doctor asked.
"Yeah…" Jack waited for the Doctor to say more, but when he didn't, the ex-time agent shrugged and went to find Rose. Only later did he remember that all the planets the Doctor had listed had one thing in common – the drastic ways they and all their inhabitants had been wiped out.
A/N It was a fic that had been bothering me for a while, so here it is. It's a twoshot, I think, and I just wanted to post the first half before I went on holiday.
Please review and tell me if I should expand!
As always, I don't own Doctor Who, just my own brain with its imagination.