First episode of Season 5 (House's mind)
I stand here. In front of your desk. Looking at you.
Waiting for an answer you can't give.
It's the wrong question I asked. I already know the answer. It buys me time to know you.
It's these small moments that allow me to look within you, in between your speech. It's the way you look down, frustrated, repelling anger. But we lived always off that. That's how I make you feel I am here. How I need to force my being into your mind, to impel me into your feeling.
But the way you look up afterwards helplessly at me, lately. That's new.
I sigh deeply and look away, looking bothered by the lack of answer. You pick up my clue. And I fool you.
I am scared to a halt. My heart is stretched to utmost tension. My whole body gushes in pain and I clench my teeth.
Am I really that? Do I really always make you feel… Helpless… Towards me? Will you give up trying to help me? You are already. I can feel it in your breath. There is no reaction. You're already catatonic. Nevermore do I press your mind.
I feel you slowly slip away from my fingers, from my reason. I cannot grap you any longer. I don't know you at all. You are here as you have always. But even your smile is tiring. And our distance is deepening, cutting through our body language.
I need you now more than ever. I need the reassurance of your voice.
"Can't you give an answer?"
"No… I don't know why she is avoiding you. Maybe you did something."
"I always do something…"
We will end… Won't we?
We will.
And I'll loose you. Though I love you above all… Even above Cuddy. Jonathan. My friend closer than all my lovers…
Death is in this sunny day, in the way your hair is golden twined by the sun, in the way your pale skin turns into a candlelight glare…
I miss you already. To feel your grasp as I slip and fall in your apathy.
"Well… You are not helping. And I have a ball to have ideas from, anyway"
I rise up from the chair.
You don't answer, nothing comes from you. Not even a frustrated smile.
You gave up. You, the eternal flame of hope. The one who always wished to lift me up when I wanted to plunge into an abyss… You, gave up… As I fall.
"And yes, she's a Wilson…"
And I close the door.
A thrust of pain darts through my leg and I loose all my other senses, emotions vanish completely and only pain exists.
I take a pill.
I will surely O.D. on them.