Author's Note and Disclaimer: Naruto is the property of Masashi Kishimoto and Shonen Jump. The main three characters are mine, though.

You will see the use and overuse of various clichés in the Naruto fandom that were once popular, and still probably are; that is intentional, and not every world will be the same.

I gave up making them act like they're Japanese, since I'm very blatantly not. I've put in a minimum amount of research into this chapter, but since most of it was inspired by my own experiences at a bar, I didn't feel the need to try to get anything accurate. (Then, of course, the small fact that the entire story is just stupid in the first place...)

Sexual escapades between two of the main characters are between minors in our world, but they're fully-fledged Jounin, so it's acceptable in the Naruto world. (Also: time travel. Maybe.) Never mind that they're both twelve-ish; it's not mentioned explicitly, but they're using solid henge to compensate. I completely forgot they were minors, but the sexual escapades aren't exactly detailed (and are only there for humor) so I don't think it matters in the long run. It's M-rated for a reason, anyway.

Chapter One: Meet the Family

Fuuka sat down on the bench, absentmindedly spinning one of her curved kunai around her fingers. The cold air billowed around her, flapping her already-untamable long red hair everywhere at once. She nearly had to narrow her eyes to see out of the windblast.

"Well? Are we finished?"

In front of her was a man with dark, unruly hair, sitting in a meditative stance. He cracked one eye open, showing a glimpse of red before fading to black, grimacing at the billowing winds in front of him. Fuuka smiled at his struggle.

"Kenji?" she asked again. Kenji opened both eyes and glared at her without heat.

"This would be easier if you weren't shooting Daitoppa at me for no reason," he said with a grimace.

Fuuka smiled, eyes curving into an inverted U-shape as usual. "But where would the fun in that be?"

"Bah!" Kenji stood up abruptly, and Fuuka stopped launching Daitoppa at him. Fuuka slowly got up from the bench and Kenji kicked the dirt, grimacing. "I don't think I'll ever manage to launch that jutsu."

"Of course you will," Fuuka said, clear conviction in her voice. "You know I won't let you stop trying until you do. Just...not right now, evidently." Kenji smiled at her girlfriend's firm determination, before grimacing.

"Ah, crap, what time is it?" Kenji made a show of looking at the sky, to determine the time. Unfortunately, he's blind, so the result was absolutely nothing. "We have to go meet Touya at four, y'know."

Fuuka glanced at her wrist. A convenient seal she placed there tracked the time in an easy-to-read manner. "Ah, it's about ten-to."

"Awesome," Kenji said cheerfully. "Great timing. 'K, Fuuka, let's go!" He reached out with his elbow in front of himself, and Fuuka giggled, placing her arm into his elbow. They walked together in silence, out of the training ground.

Touya stirred his drink absently. He took occasional glances at the time, waiting for his friends and squad-mates to appear. He stopped stirring as the odd mixture in front of him turned a bluish-purple, because Touya was pretty sure it wasn't supposed to do that.

At precisely four o'clock, a bright flash of red signified his friends' arrival.

"Yo, Touya," Kenji said cheerfully, taking a seat in front of him. Fuuka sat to his side, smiling. Touya shook his head.

"Did you really have to Hiraishin here?" Touya sweatdropped at Fuuka's exuberant nodding. "Ah, okay."

"Waiting long?" Kenji asked Touya, who shook his head.

"I've only been here for half an hour. It's not so bad, and you're on time this time, too," Touya replied.

Kenji grinned. "This time, we weren't sidetracked." He gave a meaningful glance and a wave of his eyebrows towards Fuuka, who grinned back unashamedly. Touya shook his head again, but he was smiling.

"Ahh, okay." Touya took a sip of his drink, and grimaced at the alcohol. Not a usual alcohol drinker, Touya nevertheless continued to drink the odd mixture.

"What is that?" Fuuka asked curiously. Touya shrugged, grinning.

"No idea! I kinda just threw a whole bunch of drinks inside and was like, sheeee-it, whatever, I'll drink it," Touya replied. Fuuka and Kenji's amused smiles paled in comparison to his own.

"Well, I'll take whatever you're having," Fuuka said, "and I guess Kenji will have what he always gets?"

Touya put his drink down and waved for the bartender. "Yo, we'll take another one of whatever this is, and bring some tamagozake here too!"

Fuuka smirked as the bartender went to go get their drinks. "I'll never understand how you can drink that."

"I keep telling you, it's nostalgic," Kenji grumbled. "Unlike you, I prefer to remember my past."

"Your past isn't nearly as dark as mine," Fuuka retorted.

"Oh my god we've had this conversation before," Touya whined before they could continue their argument. "Let's just not even go there today, OK?"

Fuuka pouted. "You're no fun."

"You wanted to get me drunk," Touya accused her. "Now you have to live with the consequences." He shook his glass at her menacingly, and Fuuka gasped.

"Kenji-kun! Touya's being meeeeeean," she whined, eyes going large and watery. Kenji gasped.

"Touya! How could you?! Fuuka's a good girl!" Kenji angrily pointed at Touya, while hugging Fuuka fiercely. "It's OK, Fuuka-chan, don't listen to the mean old grouch," he told Fuuka, caressing her lovingly as she stared into his eyes.

Fuuka's eyes were bright and shining. "Kenji-kun..."

Kenji's eyes were also bright and shining. "Fuuka-chan..."

Touya decided that now was a good time to interject. "Touya," he said, raising his hand up politely.

Kenji and Fuuka turned to him, eyes dulled, and Touya pointed to the drinks that just arrived (and the bartender that was watching the scene with fond amusement). "Drinks are here."

"Oh!" Fuuka looked at her drink. "Is it...supposed to be green? And bubbling?"

Touya shrugged. "That's how it was for me. I just stirred it until it turned this weird blue-purple color." He raised his glass. "Now it's red but it wasn't a few minutes ago."

Kenji and Fuuka also raised their glasses, clinking the glasses together. Kenji shouted, "Kanpai!" and chugged his drink. Touya took less determined sips, and Fuuka, grumbling, decided to drink it without stirring.

"Gods, that's nasty!" Fuuka said with a grin. "How in the world can you even drink this?!"

Touya shrugged, feeling the heat rise to his cheeks from the alcohol. "Not a damn clue."

Kenji finished off his drink, turned to Touya, raised an eyebrow, and then put his glass down. "Bartender, I think I need to drink something non-alcoholic for the rest of the night."

Kenji smiled, amused, as Fuuka tried to climb on his head, because she was adamant that she was a bird. Touya, meanwhile, was throwing up freely, and Kenji was holding him from falling over into his own vomit.

"Right, whatever that was, we're never getting it again," Kenji muttered. After they had their first drinks, they ordered three more each of that weird mixture, then created increasingly crazier drinks out of whatever alcohol was on hand. Touya's last drink was on fire, and Fuuka's was probably some sort of chemical warfare device.

Once Touya stopped, Kenji patted his back. "Hey, big guy, ready to go?" Then Touya tipped forward again and spewed more, and Kenji had a hard time holding on to him thanks to Fuuka's presence on his head and shoulders. For some reason, she was trying to pull off his hair, and it was really distracting, but Kenji managed somehow.

Touya gasped as soon as he stopped vomiting. "Oh, shit, it hurts." He turned behind him, to an amused Kenji (and nesting Fuuka), and stood up with wobbly legs. "Has...has your hair...always been...yellow like that?"

Kenji smirked. "You jealous?" His hair was very much black, according to Fuuka, so Kenji had absolutely no idea what Touya was talking about.

"Gimme," Touya made grabby hands, and Kenji was hard-pressed to avoid it with Fuuka on his head. "Want..." And then Touya threw up again. Kenji got behind him to hold him up.

"This is a very productive evening," Kenji remarked snidely. Fuuka apparently decided there wasn't enough blood in Kenji's skull, because she pecked at his skull with her teeth. Kenji yelped. "Ow! Fuuka! Quit it!"

Fuuka then decided that she was a cat and started licking at the spots that were probably bleeding. Kenji sighed, and grabbed Touya before he could tip over again. To his relief, Touya finally looked like he was done vomiting, although he was mumbling incoherently, and Kenji couldn't be bothered to understand what he was saying.

"Fuuka. Hey." Kenji poked at her. Apparently she was sleeping on his head, then, which was cute, but Kenji didn't have time for that. "Hey. Hiraishin us home."

Fuuka yawned and stretched out, and then the world disappeared in a flash of red.

Touya woke up in a daze. He tried to roll over to get his bearings but he fell off the couch. Touya rubbed his bruised head, and he realized that they were in Fuuka's apartment, although Touya didn't remember how he got here. Trying to stand up, and failing miserably, Touya rolled himself towards the wall, then used the wall to push himself up.

The pulsing headache didn't help matters.

Touya managed to find some aspirin and he downed it, although it only really helped enough to make it more endurable. He felt his stomach gurgle in hunger, and Touya remembered that, yes, he did throw up everywhere last night. He went to Fuuka's room and knocked a few times, before opening the door.

Only to find Kenji and Fuuka making love.

Fuuka was on top, facing away from the door, and although Kenji was probably mortified, she just turned her head around and asked, "Hey, Touya. Want to join?"

Touya blinked, then grimaced, covering his face with his hand. "How do you not have a hangover?"

Fuuka smirked, even as she jumped up and down, to Kenji's increasing delight. "Uzumaki secret."

"Right. Well." Touya turned away, since he knew Fuuka didn't honestly care about interruptions in their lovemaking times. "I'll go make breakfast. You guys want anything?"

"Ramen," Fuuka said, as she turned back and gave her attention to Kenji beneath her.

"Uh...anything's fine, thanks," Kenji said, in a bit of a daze. Touya decided that was enough and left them to their fun.

"Right, so, ramen..." He decided to make instant ramen, due to laziness and the hangover, so he grabbed three cups of the stuff and prepared them properly. "And...hmm, I'll have some eggs."

Touya went to the refrigerator to grab some eggs, but once he opened it he couldn't find any eggs. "This travesty will not stand," he muttered, so he made sure he was a bit more presentable, shouted to Kenji and Fuuka ("I'm gonna go get some eggs!" He received no response.) and left.

Walking down to the stand that he knew sold eggs, he saw a little blond boy get thrown out of another stand, but he ignored it in favor of finding eggs. Ducking into the stand that he wanted to get to, he greeted the shopkeeper, a kind old lady who greeted him back. He purchased a couple cartons of eggs and left for home.

He passed the little blond boy again, who tried to pickpocket him, but Touya used his Mokuton abilities and picked him up with tree roots. Two shopkeepers came running by.

"Thanks for catching the little runt," said one.

"Oi, brat! How dare you steal from us!" said the other.

Naruto looked fearfully between both of them, then in awe at Touya, who said, "I don't give a single shit right now, I'm hungry." Well, okay, he grunted, but the meaning was clear to everyone. Waving politely at the two shopkeepers, who grumbled but otherwise didn't react, he pulled along a struggling Naruto as he walked home.

"Tadaima!" He slammed open the door. He heard faint bumping in the kitchen. "Oi! You'd better not be on the stove!" he shouted. There was an embarrassing silence, and then the bumping picked up in a different location in the kitchen. "That's what I thought." He put the blond boy down, who immediately tried to make a run for it, although he failed miserably since the door was seal-locked. Touya grumbled and said, "You're going to be eating here today because fuck everything." He waved Naruto into a couch and then went to go make his eggs.

"GOD FUCKING DAMN IT YOU SHITHEADS," Touya shouted angrily, as he saw two of the cups of ramen scattered everywhere on top of the two lovebirds making love on the table. Fuuka got up from where she was trying to ingest Kenji's crotch, which was covered in noodles.

"Hi!" Fuuka said, waving from her position between Kenji's legs. "We left yours alone."

Touya looked and saw that, yes, there was another cup untouched. "Thank god," he muttered. He put the eggs on the counter by the stove, and heated up a pan. "Also, I invited your brother over."

All of the noise behind him stopped. He turned around and saw that they were both gaping at him. "What?"

"Why would you do that?" Fuuka said, and she looked a bit angry. "Hokage-sama said-"

"Yeah, I know, but he was in the way so I took him home." Touya turned back to the stove and poured a bit of oil into the pan. "He's gonna eat with us and then I don't give a shit about what else happens."

A voice from the door, sounding stunned, said, "You're my sister?"

"Disregard that, she sucks cocks," Touya said happily. Pouring out an egg, he ducked to avoid the sudden wrath of both Kenji and Fuuka. "Oi! I'm making food here!"

Touya blissfully ignored everything behind him at that point, watching as the egg heated up. It smelled better than it looked, which was heavenly. Touya could barely wait to eat his perfect sunny-side-up egg.

Scooping out the egg, he prepared himself to make more, for the other three people in the house. He poured one into the pan, and then grabbed one of the two empty cups of ramen and poured two eggs into it. Grabbing one of the kunai Kenji threw at him, he stirred the eggs vigorously, and then set the cup down to flip the egg over in the pan. After a bit of time, he poured out the egg into another plate, and then poured the contents of the ramen cup into the pan. Then he grabbed another two eggs and repeated the process in the other ramen cup.

After everything was finally made, Touya finally, finally got to eat his egg and noodles mixture, pouring his egg into his cup of ramen to eat it. It was a bit cold, but very much satisfying for a lazy hangover-fueled breakfast. And then he turned around.

Kenji and Naruto glared at each other. Fuuka looked like she was about to cry, which Touya found distinctly odd since she never cries. And Touya had plates in his hands. So he did the only thing he could in this situation.

"Breakfast is ready!"

Giving Kenji the over-easy egg, he passed the scrambled eggs to Fuuka and Naruto, and then grabbed a packet of ramen noodles, crumbled them up, and poured them over the scrambled eggs. Then he sat down and ate in blissful silence.

And the blissful silence extended to everyone else on the table, too, as the other three occupants ate pleasantly.

And it was a good morning.

"Hokage-sama," Fuuka greeted the stern old man.

"Uzumaki-san," the Hokage called back, before glaring at Touya, who was standing behind Fuuka. "I've received word that Naruto-kun is here?"

"Okay, Naru-chan, time for you to go home now," Fuuka said, patting her brother on the head. Naruto frowned, before perking up at the Hokage's presence.

"Jiji! Did you know that I had a sister?!" he said, hugging Fuuka. "Fuuka-nee's so nice! Can I live with her, please?"

The Hokage chuckled, although his glare at Touya hadn't abated. "Have you asked Fuuka-san?"

"I think it would be better if you continued to live on your own," Fuuka said, not unkindly. "I'm not exactly equipped to take care of children, right now." At seeing Naruto's sadface, she relented, "But you're always welcome here, if that helps."

"Thanks, Fuuka-nee!" Naruto's rebounding grin pretty much lit up the room. Fuuka smiled.

"Isn't it great, what spur-of-the-moment decisions can accomplish?" Touya asked rhetorically, putting a hand on Naruto's shoulder. "I mean, this really couldn't have gone any better." He grinned at the Hokage's slowly-darkening face.

"Be that as it may," the Hokage grimaced, "you had a promise." Touya's eyes narrowed at this, but his grin remained in place.

"Neh, jiji, what are you talking about?" Naruto asked cheerfully, not noticing the tension between his savior and his grandfather figure.

"Never mind that, Naru-chan," Fuuka interjected. "Why don't I take you to your place?" she asked with a smile.

Naruto was instantly on guard. "Nee-chan, that's OK, I don't need-"

"Yes," Touya said. "Let's go to Naruto's place." Both Touya and the Hokage's glares got deeper. Fuuka turned around for a bit.

"Kenji-kun! Please guard the apartment!"

"Yes, yes," Kenji's faded voice echoed from the bedroom. Fuuka turned back to Naruto.

"OK, Naru-chan, where do you live?"

Naruto visibly thought about the answer, and Fuuka couldn't help but croon mentally at her brother's adorable thinking-face. "Um, it's one of the apartment buildings next to the hot springs. It's at the top floor."

Fuuka squeezed his shoulder. "OK. I know where that is." And they vanished in a flash of red. The Hokage jumped.

"Hiraishin is really useful, huh, Hokage-sama?" said Touya. The Hokage said nothing, just stared at the spot that the Uzumakis stood in, contemplating.

"This place looks..." Fuuka trailed off, unable to find the right word for it. "Home-y."

But Naruto's apartment was a mess, even though Fuuka didn't exactly want to say that out loud, what with her trying to mend bridges with a willing Naruto and all. Clothing and furniture were scattered everywhere, the floor was littered with ramen cups, and Fuuka really didn't want to touch the refrigerator. Through it all, the smell of the apartment was unmistakably boy.

"Sorry it's so dirty," the boy in question said, oddly shy. Fuuka glanced at him to see him looking at the ground, despondent.

"Hey," Fuuka said kindly, touching the boy's shoulder. As he looked up towards Fuuka's face, she smiled. "Wanna see something cool?" The boy nodded, and Fuuka brought her hands into a familiar handseal.

"Kage Bunshin no Jutsu."

Ten copies of Fuuka popped into existence, and each went around doing their own thing, picking up laundry or spraying deodorizer everywhere or what have you. Through it all, a grinning Fuuka watched a dumbfounded Naruto gape at the scene in front of him.

"Kage Bunshin are awesome, neh? Naru-chan?" Fuuka smiled, eyes curving. Naruto could only nod and look on in astonishment as he could finally see the color of his floor.

"Wow! Teach me that, nee-sama!" Naruto shouted exuberantly, and Fuuka laughed, poking him on the nose.

"Once you become a genin, then I'll teach you this and more," Fuuka said, and Naruto's eyes widened at her words.

"You're a ninja, nee-sama? That's so cool!" Naruto said with stars in his eyes. Fuuka suddenly grimaced.

"Yes, well...that's why I wasn't here for you, otouto. I had an extended mission out of the village, but I'm here now," Fuuka finished with an uncertain smile, although at Naruto's wide eyes the smile became more confident.

There was a knock at the door. One of Fuuka's clones opened it, and in walked Touya and the Hokage.

"Hokage-sama," Fuuka said in respect, bowing low. She looked at Naruto and grabbed his head so that, despite his struggling, he was also effectively bowing.

The Hokage no longer had the grimace in place, instead looking amused and wistful. "I see you've been doing some cleaning, Uzumaki-san."

"Yes, well..." Fuuka grinned sheepishly, rubbing the back of her head. "My clones kind of got away from me."

Touya noticed two clones packing away his clothes in seals, and he spoke up this observation. "I don't think Naruto can use seals, Fuuka," he said as Fuuka turned to her clones.

"Ah! Nee-sama, stop them!" Naruto tried to jump on the clones, who were thoroughly amused at the whole ordeal, but the original spoke up.

"Naru-chan, don't worry. Your clothes are fine," she said with a smile, but Naruto didn't look very convinced. "It's fuuinjutsu. It's a very mentally-challenging ninja art, but I'll teach you if you're interested."

"Really?" Naruto's nose scrunched up. "Sounds hard."

Fuuka tapped Naruto's nose. "You're going to be Hokage, neh? You should learn this, regardless of its difficulty. But yes, it's hard," Fuuka admitted. "It's also what the Uzumaki clan is most famous for, you know."

"Really? I'm part of a clan?" Naruto's eyes were huge, and Fuuka didn't want to say it, but...

"Not any more," she admitted, and she tried to ignore the way Naruto crumpled in sadness. "The Uzumaki clan was destroyed when our mom was still a kid."

"Along with the entire damn country," Touya pitched in. "By the time Konoha received word about their troubles, Uzushiogakure had fallen."

Fuuka stared at him. Touya squirmed uncomfortably.

"...yes. Well." Fuuka turned back to Naruto, who took all of this in with wide eyes. "He's right, but I was about to tell you all of that." She glared at Touya. "Must you ruin my spotlight?"

Touya gave her a thumbs-up. "Absolutely."

Fuuka rolled her lilac-colored eyes. "Go and help my clones put things away."

"Aye, aye, cap'n," Touya saluted and went to go put things away. Fuuka turned to the Hokage, who watched all of this with an amused eye.

"What can I do for you, Hokage-sama?" Fuuka asked. The Hokage cleared his throat.

"Would you be amenable to a mission?" the Hokage asked in reply. Before Fuuka could contemplate the message, Naruto shouted in outrage.

"You can't!" Both heads turned to the angry seven-year-old. "You can't take my sister away from me! I just met her!"

"Naruto." Fuuka's stern voice caused Naruto to stop ranting. Then she lightened up a bit. "He's the Hokage; he can put me on missions whenever he wants. It's what he does, and you know that."

"But-" Naruto started to shout, but then fell quiet. "I just...wanted to get to know you more."

"Oh, otouto," Fuuka told Naruto, hugging him softly. "I'm one of the strongest shinobi in Konoha. I have to do this to protect everyone, including you. Don't worry, though," Fuuka smiled at Naruto. "I'll come back."

The Hokage coughed, and Fuuka jumped up. "Yes, sir, I'm ready for a mission." Fuuka said as she bowed in deference. The Hokage chuckled, and Fuuka glanced at his face to see his amused smile.

"Very well, then. This is your mission: to protect one Uzumaki Naruto from threats, both external and internal. It's a long term, S-ranked mission of the highest secrecy." Fuuka fell on her face. The Hokage continued as if he didn't notice. "You must keep him safe, of course, and train him in the ways of the Will of Fire."

Fuuka got up slowly from the floor and was staring open-mouthed at the Hokage. Then she whined, "Kenji-kun, Hokage-sama tricked me and now he's being meeeeeeean."

Kenji popped out from behind Naruto's couch and shouted at the Hokage. "How could you?! Fuuka's a good girl!" Faster than anyone could react, Kenji was by Fuuka's side in an instant. "It's OK, Fuuka-chan, he won't be mean again. You just leave the big scary monkey to me." Kenji caressed her face lovingly as she stared at the headband over his eyes.

Fuuka's eyes were bright and shining. "Kenji-kun..."

Kenji's eyes were...covered by his headband. But the expression on his face told the whole story. "Fuuka-chan..."

Touya decided that now was a good time to interject. "Touya," he said, raising his hand up politely.

Kenji and Fuuka turned to him, eyes dulled, and Touya pointed to a completely amused Hokage and a very confused Naruto.

"Oh." Kenji tilted his head. "Who's there?"

"The Hokage and Naru-chan," Fuuka helpfully provided. Kenji's face abruptly turned red.

"I - I - Hokage-sama!" he bowed forcefully, hitting his head against Touya's back. They both abruptly fell to the ground, Kenji cradling his head and Touya rubbing his back.

Naruto's laughter brightened the room, and Fuuka was quick to join in. The Hokage merely chuckled at the antics of two of his best ninja.

Fuuka looked at the brightly-grinning Naruto and, for the first time in a long time, felt hope for the future.