Dear Finn,
It's been a year since you left us, since you paralysed me, and it still feels surreal. I know writing to you won't bring you back, and knowing you can't reply is killing me, but I feel I can only connect to you by writing. I don't know how I'm feeling today; my emotions come and go so quickly it's hard to pinpoint how I feel. I feel...numb. From the second you left my ability to love went with you.
If you've been watching over us like I hope you have you know how hard today has been. I really wasn't expecting Carole to call me and I just broke down at the sound of her voice. Sometimes she says things that you've said and I can hear in her voice how proud she was of you. How proud she IS of you. We've all been talking to each other all day, just sharing the memories of you we'll cherish forever. I only wish that you knew just how loved you are when you were still here. I didn't think it was possible, but we've all grown to love you even more even though you're gone.
You're gone. You really are, aren't you? It feels so wrong to write that. You were taken before your time, and I hate that, but I guess someone up there wanted you back. At least I've got over my fear of storms. Remember when I started crying at the sound of thunder? I still cry, but now it's because I remember you. Now I know the thunder is just you playing the drums.
It's funny, you know, I feel like I can't believe it's only been a year but at the same time it feels like it's been an eternity since I last saw you. And an eternity without you is too much to bear. That's why, when my time on this world comes to end, I'll have had a good life and I finally get to have the eternity with you I should have had in life. I really believe I'll see you again, and I have to believe in God because it's the only way I'll be able to. If I believe in anything, I believe in you.
Right now I can't see me settling down, but I know you'll want me to be happy and one day I'll meet a great guy who'll make me happy, just like you did. Maybe I've already met him; that's a scary thought. What if I have? That's scary; when you date someone you'll either break up or stay together forever. That's the two choices. I wanted our forever, but instead of us breaking up it was me who was broken.
I think of you every day, Finn, and I just really need you to know today that you are loved. So, so loved, and by no one more than me. We just weren't meant to have our happy ending in life, because life ends. I see that now. Our happy ending was destined to be forever, so I need you to wait for me because I have a lot of unfinished business here first. But one, day, I promise, we'll have our forever.
Have fun up there you beautiful, tall, awkward man, because every day that goes by means I'm one step closer to you. How can I be truly sad when you're waiting for me? When you died I felt so alone and lost and as if I'd never feel anything again, but you showed me the light and brought me home. Thank you, Finn. I love you. And when everything else ends, there'll just be us. You and me. Finn and Rachel, forever. Sounds good to me.
So, I have to go, but there's one last thing I need you to know. Everyone misses you and we all think of you, especially me, and on those dark days where I need you I know you'll be with me. And when I'm sad and low and feel like everything is against me, I'll think of our forever and smile.
I'll see you again, Finn Hudson. Here's to us. Here's to our forever.
Love, Rachel.