So, this is my first attempt at writing fanfiction, and it might be a little too much, I don't know. However, I do hope people enjoy it, as I have enjoyed countless other piece of fanfiction on this site. I do have a few things I would like to mention though. First, I am not English, but I have tried to use English dialect as much as I could, to my knowledge, especially since this is in first person. There are likely to be mistakes, so point them out to me, and I can watch for them the next time. Second, at the end, the sentencing is likely a lot longer than it would be in real life, but I wanted it to be a significant amount of time. It bothers me a bit, hopefully it won't bother people too much. Also, the charges I did a little bit of research on, but are kind of made up. I hope no lawyers are reading this. It might be a bit boring to read, I don't know, because it's all the backstory that needed to get out of the way. The real story is going to start in the next chapter.

So here it is, All I've Left Behind. Enjoy!

"Now the wren has gone to roost and the sky is turnin' gold

And like the sky my soul is also turnin'

Turnin' from the past, at last and all I've left behind"

― Ray Lamontagne, Ray LaMontagne and the Pariah Dogs - God Willin' & The Creek Don't Rise

All I've Left Behind

Chapter I

July 13, 2011

I've never been a very patient person. On my eleventh birthday, I was so anxious to get my present, a brand new Rocket 500 six gear bicycle, that I locked myself in the bathroom two weeks before my birthday to force my mother to give it to me early. I was in there 6 hours before she finally caved. As soon as I walked out of there though I was immediately sentenced to be grounded for one month, meaning I had to wait even longer for my precious bike. To say I was pissed that my plan backfired would be a bit of an understatement.

This time however, I'm not waiting to get a brand new Rocket 500 six gear bicycle, I'm waiting to find out how much time I will have to spend in federal prison, and I have never felt so patient in my life.

One year earlier - July 13, 2010

"That movie was a complete waste of my time and money. I'm never going to the cinema again. Not after that." I say, while moving a pile of dirty laundry from my bed. A voice in the back of my head tells me I should put a load on, but I have other things to deal with right now, such as a gorgeous red head sitting on my now clean bed.

"Okay, granted, it wasn't the best film, but I love the cinema. I love the smell of popcorn and the previews and the feeling you get from everyone laughing and crying together. It's the best." she says, looking at me with bright eyes.

"Sure. But you can't honestly love it when some smelly old man sits beside you or a 12 year old keeps kicking the back of your seat. Or when someone spills their drink and it gets everywhere." None of those things actually happened today, but they could have. I'm just angry that I paid almost fifteen quid to watch, was so terrible I fell asleep half way through.

"So you're never ever, ever, going to the cinema with me again?" She says, raising one eyebrow. If there ever was a contest for the sexiest look a woman could ever give you, Emily Fitch raising a challenging eyebrow would take top prize. My mouth is suddenly too dry to speak, so I just shake my head.

"Oh really?" She says smirking. "What if sat in the back row, on a Tuesday night, just you and me. We could have some fun." Her voice goes an octave deeper and I can feel it low in my stomach. I just shake my head again, in total defiance of every cell in my body telling me to accept her offer with vigorous enthusiasm. She leans over until her lips are just millimeters away from mine. "Are you sure?"

Just as I'm about to give in, a knock at the door makes up jump apart.

"Sorry dears, am I interrupting something?" My mum stands in my doorway with an annoyingly knowing smile on her face. Jesus. Thanks mum.

I sigh heavily, "No mum. You weren't interrupting anything. What do you want?" Emily smacks me on the arm, giving me a disapproving look. She hates it when I talk back to my mum. I know that she wishes she had a mum like mine, but that doesn't mean Gina doesn't annoy the shit out of me on a regular basis. Especially when she stops me from snogging my girlfriend.

Mum just smiles even wider and winks at us, making me roll my eyes. "Okay. Well anyways, I'm headed out to get some stuff for diner. Anything you ladies want? Emily I'm assuming you're staying?"

Emily grins at her, "Of course Gina, wouldn't miss one of your meals for the world." I swear those two have a better relationship than I will ever have with either of them.

"Yeah just grab anything mum." I tell her, wishing she would just get the hell out of here already, before she ruins the mood any further.

"Alright, I'll be back in about an hour. Have fun girls." She winks at us one more time before leaving. Once I hear the door click shut I fall back on my bed.

"Ugh. She is so annoying."

"I think she's lovely." Emily says, curling up into my side.

Kissing the top of her head, I mumble into her hair, "I know you do, sometimes I just don't know why."

I can feel Emily's laughter throughout my whole body. "Well for one thing she gave birth to my favorite person on this entire planet." She leans in and presses her lips to mine. After a while her hands begin to wander under my shirt and suddenly, I'm hoping my mother gets stuck in traffic.

August 27, 2010

3:42 am

3:43 am

I haven't slept more than two hours a night for a week. I just lay awake in my bed, rethinking it over and over again. Wishing it wasn't true, that I didn't fuck up as badly as I did. Sometimes I manage to convince myself that it will be okay. Emily loves me. She'll understand. It was just a momentary lapse in judgement. A little bit of subconscious fear of commitment seeping through, but I'm okay now.

That's a lie, and I know it. I'm even more scared than before. I'm was scared that she was going to hurt me, now I'm afraid of how much this is going to hurt her. Everything is just a big fucking mess now.

I sigh, and turn my body around and come face to face with the source of all my fears. She looks more beautiful when she sleeps than at any other time. Her pink lips are parted just slightly, and I'm tempted to run my fingers over them; they are always so soft.

She hasn't picked up on my insomnia yet, and I'm getting good at acting normal around her during the day. I wonder how long I'll be able to keep it up, and keep her.

September 4, 2010

I wrap my arms around myself, trying to beat the cold as I walk home. Emily went home with Katie. Which is definitely the best thing for me; I don't think I could force myself to be normal around her tonight. Not after what just happened.

I'm shivering now and I'm not sure whether it's because of the cold or the image I can't get out of my head, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to. It happened so quickly. All I heard was a scream, and then the sound of her body hitting the floor. Emily was the one who rushed us over to see what happened, I wanted to run in the opposite direction as fast as I could. For some reason, I knew. I knew it would be the girl I cheated on Emily with two months ago, the girl I sold drugs to, lying on the floor, blood pooled around her head, legs twisted at horrible angles… I feel sick.

Finally I'm home, it has never felt so good to be somewhere warm and familiar. I'm shaking so badly I can hardly stand, but I get myself up the stairs and into the shower. I crank the temperature of the water as high as I can take it, and then I go hotter. It pierces my skin like bullets, but right now it's what I need.

September 6, 2010

"Alright, the assignment is to write a 3000 word essay, and I want 3000 real words people, three letters and under don't count. You can write it on any of the topics we have discussed so far in the course, using current events. Due next Tuesday."

The class collectively lets out a load groan after the teacher is done speaking. Everyone except for me. Under other circumstances, I would be groaning along with the rest of the class, but right now, I'm grateful for any distraction I can get. Plus, it will give me an excuse to be away from Emily.

I know that she's my girlfriend, and that I love her and that I should want to be around her, but right now I just can't. Every time I look at her I get a sick feeling in my stomach. The worst thing is, she's starting to notice. So, in typical Naomi Campbell fashion, I'm avoiding her.

The bell rings and I pack up my stuff. Outside the door, I come face to face with Cook, who's wearing the usual shit-eating grin. Cook and I grew closer over the summer, but things are just so crazy and intense right now, I really don't have time for his shit, so I just roll my eyes at him and start walking.

"Naomikins, wear ya goin so fast? Cookie needs to speak with ya." He says to me once he catches up.

"Not right now Cook, I have an essay to write." Which isn't a lie. I do need to get started on that.

"You're telling me you don't have two seconds to spare for me? Your best mate? Remember that time you got so pissed at Chelsea MacMinnon's house that you got sick all over the stairs? Yeah? Who was there to clean you up and take you home?" He looks at me, grin never leaving his face.

He's got me there. I can hardly remember the night, but from what I have pieced together, I know it wasn't pretty. He's been there for me a lot. So it's not fair to him for me to be projecting my relationship issues on to him.

"Alright Cook. I get it. You've been there for me and I thank you. Now what is it you want to speak with me about?" I answer.

The smile slowly fades from him face, and he takes a deep breath before saying, "I spoke to the police."

September 13, 2010

My sandwich is shit. The grass is wet; my arse will be soaked when I stand up. And to top it off, I haven't spoken to my girlfriend in a week. Not since I lied to the police. Not since she accused me of sleeping with someone else and I lied to her face. Now I can't tell if it's me avoiding her, or her avoiding me. It's probably both, and probably for the best. I know the end is coming, I can feel it, and it's killing me. I wish I had the balls to just end it myself, but I don't think that will ever happen. Forever the coward me.

Just as I take another bite of my sandwich, that isn't getting any better, I should really just throw it out and get something at the cafeteria, Effy sits down beside me. I jump slightly, because I never even saw her walk over.

"Hey." She says.

"Hi. The grass is wet, just so you know. You'll end up with a wet arse." I answer, kind of wanting her to go away. I was enjoying my private pity session.

But she just shrugs and says, "I don't care."

I snort. "Of course you don't. You're Effy Stonem, You don't care about anything."

She looks at me with her piercing blue eyes, like she can see right through me. She probably can. "And you are Naomi Campbell. The coward who runs from all their problems."

Fuck. I look down, not being able to stand the heat of her stare anymore.

"You don't know shit Effy." I say, too defensively.

"What? Does it not sound as good when it's coming from someone else?"

That's it. I stand up to give her a piece of my mind. "You know what fuck you Effy. You act like you know everything and that you are superior to everyone else. But you aren't Effy. That's so far from the truth. You tore Cook's heart out. I was there when he knocked at my door at 3am one night, drunk and crying. You did that Effy. You hurt the people you love. Wonder how long Freddie has."

Fuck. She's going to hit me. I know it. That was a fucked up thing to say. Why can't I ever just think before I do something? All she's doing is staring at me. This is creepy, come on do something already.

The girl sitting on the wet grass in front of me, does not stand up and knock me out like I most likely deserve hit me, she just smiles.

"Maybe we have something in common then."

Christ. That hurt worse than a thousand right hooks. I can't be here anymore. I grab my things and walk off, stopping only to throw out my sandwich.

October 2, 2010

I can't feel anything. Thirty minutes ago I was on top of a parking lot feeling like my chest was going to burst with everything that I was feeling and now, walking home in the soft light of the morning, I can't feel anything.

October 8, 2010

I can hear sirens. What the fuck is going on. I run through the corridors and out into the car park. It looks like almost every student is out here watching what's happening. What is happening? I don't think it's a fight, because no one is cheering. Maybe someone git hurt? In which case I should just leave; I've seen enough blood for one year.

"Is someone hurt?" I ask a girl once I get to the edge of the crowd.

"No," she turns to me, "someone is getting arrested." Oh god. No no no no no.

I walk around the edge of the crowd, trying to find a way through, but no one is letting me in. Come on. Come one. Someone starts yelling Cook's name, it sounds a lot like Freddie. My stomach sinks to my knees. I don't care anymore, I just start pushing people out of my way.

When I finally see him, his hands are clasped in hand cuffs behind his back, and a uniform is guiding him into the cruiser.

A few days ago he told the police he was the one who sold the drugs to Sophia. He wanted the police off mine and Emily's back, since we were going through so much. I didn't want him to do it, I told him I would go to the police and tell the truth, but he wouldn't let me. He told me that it was either he go to prison now, or he goes to prison in five years, it was always going to be that way for him. I can't let this happen. I have a choice, I can stop this.

"Cook."

He looks at me, no hint of betrayal or hurt in his eyes. Everything in me freezes. He nods at me once before he is swallowed by the car and taken away.

December 11, 2010

She looks so beautiful when she comes in from the cold, her cheeks are rosy, hair a bit messy. It makes me want to wrap her in my arms, hold her close to me and until she gets warm, and then hold her a little longer.

But I haven't touched her in weeks. Emily walks by me, sitting at the kitchen table, without a word and goes into the living room. I hear the telly turn on to some reality show, but I doubt she's even watching it. She just can't stand to be near me in silence.

May 18, 2011

My mum is cooking diner when I walk in. "Hello love, how did it go?"

Bloody terribly is how it went. Freddie's dad did not stop crying through the whole thing. Karen looked like she high on something. Cook got a release signed so he could attend, with a parole officer. He never looked at me once. Effy didn't show, no one has seen her since we got the news.

I huff, "As well as any funeral could go."

I sit down at the table and mum brings me over a plate of the spaghetti she just finished cooking. It's too hot for me to eat, even if I was hungry.

"It will get better. I know things are pretty shit right now, but it won't be forever." She tells me lovingly. I wish it was true, but I have done some things in the last couple of months that I'm going to regret for the rest of my life.

"I know." I say to her, because I don't want her to worry.

She smiles at me, "Eat."

Sighing, I pick up the fork and start eating. It is actually very good, I just don't have much of an appetite after the day I've had.

Bzzzzzz

Shit, someone is calling me. That's weird. I hardly ever get phone calls. Well, there's no caller ID, so I think I'll just ignore it, and get back to eating.

Bzzzzzz

Alright, guess someone really needs to speak with me.

"Hello?"

A woman's voice answers. "Hello Naomi?"

"Yeah that's me? Who is this?"

"This is Anthea. Effy's mum."

I hate hospitals. I think everyone does. It's where people go to die, and no one likes the thought of death. Death. This year seems to be filled to the brim with it.

I take the elevator to the floor Anthea said she was on. There's another man on it with me, and he doesn't stop coughing the whole way up. Lovely. Now I'll be sick. This just gets better and better.

"Hi, could you point me in the direction of room 435?" I say once I get to the nurse's station.

"Yeah, down that hall, make a left, you'll find it." A woman tells me.

"Thanks." I say, giving a polite smile. It's odd having to be so pleasant when I'm here for someone so awful.

Effy's room is tiny. Anthea is sitting in a small leather chair, right next to the bed, which takes up half the space. In the bed is Effy. She looks so fragile, like she could break at just a touch. I've never thought of Effy as fragile. She was always so poised and cool. I guess it makes sense though, why she's laying in a hospital bed, bandages on her wrists, sleeping off a suicide attempt. She lost Cook, and then a few months later, Freddie. They were everything that was holding her together.

"Are you going to come in love?" Her mom asks me, looking at me questioningly. I didn't realize I had been just standing in the doorway, lost in thought. I nod and walk into the room. Anthea stands up and squeezes past me.

"I'll go grab a coffee, you can have the chair." She takes my hand. "Thank you for coming. I didn't know who else to call. There was that Panda girl, but I think she's too fragile to deal with something like this, don't you think?"

"Yeah." Panda will be devastated when she finds out.

I sit down in the chair and look at the girl in the bed. I don't know what I'm doing here, I'm not even close to her. No one has heard from her in months. The last time we had a real conversation I accused her of destroying everyone she was close to.

Fuck. What I had said about Freddie. She probably thought him dying was her fault. Jesus, what had I done? First I let Cook go to prison in my place, then I let her think she killed her boyfriend. I'm the reason she's in this bed. I'm the one who destroys everyone she's close to, like Effy said.

I can't take this anymore. I stand up so quickly I stumble for a bit, but then I'm out of the room with lightning speed. This has to stop now. I have to stop hurting people. I need to do the right thing.

Finally. Christ. Took him forever, but whatever, he's here now. I open the door to the cab and slide into the back seat.

"Where to miss?" He asks in a think Scottish accent.

"The police station."

July 13, 2011

A month ago I was sitting in this exact same spot when 12 men and women walked out of a door on the side of the courtroom. I looked at their faces, wishing to see any evidence of my fate, but all they wore were frustratingly neutral expressions. My lawyer had warned me countless times that they were most likely going to find me guilty on all charges, that his goal was to get me a reduced sentence. Still, there was a part of me that believed they were going to tell me that I was free to go home and start living a normal life again.

They all sat down in their seats except for one man. He stood there for probably five seconds before speaking, to me it felt like a lifetime. "Your honour we have come to a unanimous decision."

My ears started ringing and my heart was beating so fast I thought I was actually going to go into cardiac arrest. I had a fleeting thought of turning to my lawyer and asking him to call an ambulance. It was too late though. The man was already speaking.

"We find the defendant, Naomi Campbell guilty on charges of trafficking a controlled substance, perjury, and involuntary manslaughter."

Time seemed to slow down, as if my brain sensed its impending doom and sent my senses into overdrive. I couldn't move. The courtroom in front of me turned blurry. My mouth felt like cotton. Over the blood rushing through my ears I heard the judge's gavel hitting the wood of her desk sound through the room like a gunshot. Somewhere behind me a woman started to cry and I knew right away it was my mother. The sound felt like my internal organs being put through the garbage disposal. Tears came to my eyes as images of all the people I have hurt ran through my head like some twisted slideshow. Sophia, blood pooling around her head, twisted on her neck at a gruesome angle. Emily breaking down on the ledge of the parking garage. Cook wearing a hardened face as the police took him away, when he should have looked betrayed. Effy lying in a hospital bed with bandages around her wrists.

As I listened to my mother breakdown, I realized something that I should have realized long before that moment. This is what I deserved. Six months ago I made the worse decision of my life and since then I have not stopped hurting people. Everyone I have ever cared about I have damaged in some way. I no longer felt like my life was being taken away from me; I was going to pay for the lives that I had taken. The thought of prison now brought me comfort. It didn't matter anymore how many cold nights I would be spending in a jail cell, I would spend each of them with peace in my heart knowing it was what I deserved.

So now here I am, sitting once again in front of a judge, waiting to see how many nights it would take. Finally, the judge bangs her gavel a few times to get people to quiet down. This time there is no blood rushing in my ears, my palms are dry, and my heartbeat slow and steady. I am ready. My time has come.

"I have reviewed the defendant's case, and I order a sentence of ten years, with five years' probation."

With a final smack of her gavel, I begin my path to redemption.

I watch a uniform walk over to where I'm sitting. He takes out a pair of handcuffs and asks me to stand. He turns me around and secure my hands behind my back. As we walk out of the courtroom I keep my eyes looking forward. I know what I would see if I looked behind me: an empty courtroom.

Tada! That's it! First chapter done. Please please please, give me some feedback, so I can make the next chapter better. Thanks!