My fists connect with the punching bag hard and quick, the sweat already pouring out even though I only started about five minutes ago. It had been a long, stressful day and I needed to unwind, get all of my pent-up anger out. Anger at him.
Always he was hurting my friend, always. I've tried coaxing Haru to leave him, telling him Yuki would never change, but he never listens. So I have to hear about Haru's fucked up relationship with a man who would never truly love him. Once or twice I've thought about telling him I didn't want to hear it, but I can't. I'm the only one Haru actually has, so I let him vent. He usually calls me while I'm writing at the studio, as I usually interpret our situations into what I write, and I listen. Then I come home a beat the shit out of my punching bag. It's all a wonderful cycle.
Sometimes I think about telling Haru how I feel, but I couldn't do that. It would probably just mess with his head, maybe even mess up our fucked up friendship, and, even though it's fucked up, as long as I have even a little place in his life, I'm fine. Or so I tell myself, anyway.
More swipes at the bag and I even add in a few kicks, my breaths coming in short, rushed gasps. My knuckles are sore and I think I should get a new pair of gloves, but I push the thought to the side, letting the pain numb with more strikes. I'm so caught up with my sparring I don't even notice the door open, nor the body that leans in the doorway to watch me.
The bag is wiggling like a worm on a hook and my jaw clenches so hard I think I might actually crack a few teeth. When low growls start to leave my throat, I feel hands on my shoulders and I spin around fast, making sure to step out of the way of the still-swinging punching bag.
His arms are still outstretched and we're both surprised I moved so hastily. I roll my eyes and try to catch my breath. "What are you doing here, Haru?" He just shrugs and shoves his hands into his pockets.
"You sounded like you had something on your mind."
I rub my head and resist rolling my eyes again. "So why didn't you just ask while we were on the phone?"
He looks at me as if I'm stupid and I realize he knows me better than I thought.
"Because I know you don't tell me what you're thinking about unless I'm actually with you."
I let out a sigh and lean against the bag. "We hang out too much."
"Not enough if you ask me," he tells me with an odd look.
I blink slowly and try to figure out what he means. We hang out all the time, I don't even write as much as I see him. Or even just talk to him. I brush his comment aside and turn my back to him, facing the bag again.
"How are things with Yuki?"
I know we just talked about them not even a few hours ago, but things change between them so quickly I figure something's changed. Just as I get ready to take a swing, I feel his hands on my shoulders again and this time he turns me around. A scowl is already up by the time I'm facing him. I start to ask what the hell his problem is when he pushes me away from the bag and bends down to pick up a pair of gloves. I resist the urge to check him out and look at his jacket that's been strewn on the floor carelessly. He faces me and I roll my shoulders, ready for a real spar.
I throw the first punch while repeating the question I had just asked. He dodges easily and stays quiet. I throw a few more quick ones and ask the question a little hard, annoyed and wondering why he's not telling me.
"Kyo," he finally starts as my covered fist connects with his shoulder, "Tell me how you feel."
I slip just as I'm about to land one on his chest and his own fist hits mine. Stumbling back I look at him incredulously, wondering if he means what I think me means. His face asks me 'what?' and I realize he's not as clever as I almost thought.
"I'm just stressed, cow!" I get back to myself and launch a hook at his jaw, hitting only slightly as he tries to move his head away. He throws a few punches but soon I realize he's not so much into this as he is just getting information out of me. I growl annoyed at it and hurl a fast one, hitting him square in the jaw. He fumbles back gripping at it and I toss my gloves to the side.
"What do you want?" I finally ask and I'm immediately irritated by the way my voice sounds strained.
He sighs and takes his own gloves off; tossing them to the side as he licks the cut I just left on his lip.
"I just want you to talk to me," he reaches his hand out and I bat it away. He breathes deeply and massages his own head, "And I want you to stop pushing me away." He narrows his eyes at me and steps closer and I actually think he's mad at me!
"I don't know what you want me to say!" I yell at him, my hands balled tightly and I follow his lead and take a step closer, ignoring how I want to get even closer and instead focusing on how I want to sock him. His jaw clenches and unclenches and if I were to glance down, his hands would probably be doing the same. His eyes stare into mine and I can feel my heart hammer away in my chest and I swear I never wanted to kiss him so badly. What seems like forever goes by and finally his face changes and he looks conflicted before frowning and taking a small step back. My anger leaves me when he does and I feel defeated and confused.
He runs a hand through his mixed hair and takes a deep breath. "Kyo, I'm just… I'm getting so many mixed signals from you." His eyes search mine and when I don't answer he continues. "I talk to you every day and every day you hear me go on and on about Yuki. And I know, I know you don't like when I talk about him – us." I swallow a newly formed lump in my throat and my palms start to get clammy with anticipation as to where he's going with this.
Haru takes a step closer and I involuntary take one back, only now realizing how close I am to the wall. Only about a step or two back and I'll be fully against it. Grey eyes look rejected for a moment before I see the courage again, and something else. Hope? Or was that just what I wanted there to be? I didn't have time to think about it before he started talking again.
"Kyo," he starts again, staring into my eyes and taking yet another step closer. My eyes float down to his lips and I gulp, leaning back and feeling my back press against the wall. Haru puts his hands on either side of my face and leans in close and in his eyes I see a new swirl of emotions: hurt, confusion, want, desperation, hope, fear, and some foreign emotion I couldn't place. "When we're," he pauses and looks down, "together, it's just us. There is no Yuki and there is no Tohru or whoever. Just you and I. Do you feel that way, too?" His eyes search mine desperately and my voice seems to be caught in my throat though my mouth parts to answer him.
"I think you do feel that way," he confesses and looks away again before bringing his eyes once again to mine, "and I think I'm not the only one going crazy here." My heart stops for a moment at what I think he's insinuation and then he leans back, letting his arms drop. I'm able to release the breath I didn't know I had been holding and I continue to lean on the wall, but for support this time. I don't think my legs could hold me on their own right now.
His hand runs through his hair nervously. "But then you go on, letting me talk about Yuki and even telling me we'll be okay." He moves back closer to me and I press into the wall, trying to give us the distance he seems to want to close. "And yet, I hear how your voice changes." His hands are by my face again and I just stare at him, wanting him to just get to the point but too paralyzed to say anything. My face is just inches away from his and if I were to angle my head just right and move just a little bit forward, our lips would touch. I almost do but immediately my mind goes blank when he puts his head even closer, our noses almost brushing. His eyes look back and forth into mine and then down to my mouth before repeating the process another time.
"I'm going crazy, Kyo," he whispers, his eyelids drooping, "because I'm falling for you and you're too damn good at hiding your feelings about me." And then he tilts his head and kisses me. Right there. In my house. On the lips. Hard.
What feels like an hour goes by and I'm too stunned to respond. Just as he starts to give up and back away, my hand shoots out and grabs his shirt, refusing him to go and my lips finally move against his. He presses into me and my head is pushed painfully into the wall, but I ignore the sting, only focusing on him. One hand moves through his hair, trying to pull him even closer and the other grips on to the front of his shirt. His hands are on my lower back. Then they travel higher, then to the sides, then back, and we're just a mess of roaming hands and clashing teeth and intertwining tongues and I don't think I've ever felt more perfect.
Forever comes and goes and we're parting for air and to come to grasp what the hell just happened. Our breaths our mixing and my eyes open to find him. I notice, with some satisfaction, that his usual pale lips are an angry red and mine are so numb that they're probably the same. One of Haru's hands locks with mine and another dances up my arms, to my face, and his fingers feel my lips. My eyes close and I can't help but lean in and part my lips, not wanting him to stop any touching. I don't think I could stand being even an inch away from him after what just happened. I had wanted that for so long and it just happened. I let my eyes peek open in time to see him smile and lean down to kiss my neck lightly. I follow suit with a smirk of my own.
"I guess it's safe to assume your confusion is gone?" He laughs into my neck, the vibrations send a shiver down my spine.
"Yes, Kyo, it's safe to assume that."
I grin and pull his face to mine, letting our mouths fuse. His hands immediately search me and I push lightly from the wall and lead us to the door and inside.
It was just us. No Yuki, no Tohru, just Haru and I.