Author's Note: Long-ass One-shot! Yeah, so this is supposed to be a fluffy romance-comedy. The beginning is a little angsty/heavy, though, but it gets better. I feel like Abby and Ziva are out-of-character here, Abby especially. Oh, there are a couple jokes here based off of E.T. interviews with Michael Weatherly and Cote de Pablo. Mainly, that they know what 'Tiva' is. So, I thought it would be fun to make Tony and Ziva know what 'Tisa,' (what I imagine the Tommy/Lisa couple in McGee's book would be called) is. And the Ham and Cheese thing was also from an interview. Added on to it. Also, as for the Boondock Saints one and two, I only saw the second, but my brother explained a lot from the first for me. The first bombed in the box office because the producers really pissed off the guys who control marketing in the film industry, but it has a cult following by the people who do know it. I liked the second one, even though I didn't get a few of the jokes. (The cat thing happened in the theater I went to, too.)
Oh, and obviously, this is Tiva, with a bit of Abby/Ziva friendship and Tony/McGee friendship, and Tony/Abby friendship. And general spoilers for season 7.
Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS, The Boondock Saints I or II, Forrest Gump, McDonald's, or anything else referenced or mentioned here.
--
The bullpen was empty, save for NCIS's newest Israeli Probie and everyone's favorite happy Goth. Ziva sat in her own desk, trying to write up a case report as Abby sat at Tony's desk, staring silently and intently at her friend. She rested her chin on her clasped hands, elbows propped up on the desk, while she leaned foreword and squinted at Ziva, as if she had fine print on her forehead. Ziva tried to ignore it, but found it increasingly unnerving. Finally, she sighed, saved the document, and looked Abby square in the eye.
"What is on your mind, Abby?" She asked. Abby smiled, leaned back in the, and kicked her combat boots onto Tony's desk while folding her arms behind her head. Ziva felt like she was staring at a female Tony for a moment.
"Oh, nothing really. Props on getting the idiom correct, by the way. I was just thinking. You know, about if you could get fingerprints off of a dried tooth if someone touched it, if you could get ballistics off a bullet shot by another bullet, how Tony's in love with you, if hydrochloric acid-"
"What?" Ziva cut Abby off, a tone of urgency in her voice.
"Hydrochloric Acid? You know, it's-" Abby started, before Ziva cut her off again.
"Before that, Abby," She said.
"Getting ballistics off of a bullet shot by another bullet?" Abby laughed nervously. She knew that wasn't what Ziva was talking about.
"The part about Tony being in love with me!" Ziva exclaimed, throwing her hands into the air. Abby smiled sheepishly.
"Oh, that," She said uneasily. She knew it was stupid to bring up, and already regretted it. Ziva waited for Abby to continue, literally biting her tongue to stop herself from interrupting her friend. "Well, he's kinda liked you for a while. I don't think he truly realized how deep his emotions were until you were gone. You should have seen him when we all thought you were dead. He was just sleepwalking through life- if even! Zombie-ying would be a more appropriate term!" Abby frowned, and bit her lip. "I was starting to worry that he'd- You know...? Do something stupid..."
"Abby, it's Tony we are talking about. He couldn't do much worse than he usually does," Ziva reasoned, trying to make sure Abby knew it was a joke. Abby got quiet for a moment, before speaking in a sad, meek voice.
"I thought he was going to leave NCIS. Or start bar fights. Or do drugs. Or..." Abby averted her eyes from Ziva's shocked ones. "He'd never, ever ever ever in a million years, but for a while there, I don't think it would be much of a stretch to believe-" Abby's voice hitched a little, "He'd kill himself-"
"Abby! Do not say that!" Ziva scolded as her heart raced at the thought of Tony physically hurting himself. She couldn't stop herself from seeing him in her head, bloodied, broken, but smiling. Always smiling. Why did he smile so damn much?
"Not directly!" Abby exclaimed back-pedaling her last statement. "Not gun to his head or jump off a building, but egg on a crazy bad guy with a gun until he killed him, or drink himself to death, I don't know, mess with Gibbs' coffee!" Abby stood, throwing her hands into the air, ignoring the looks other people in the squad room were giving her. She was winding up into a scene mode. Ziva remembered McGee once warned her to do everything possible to calm down Abby when going into scene mode. At the moment, that was the Israeli's biggest problem in the world. She got up, quickly made her way to her friend, and put her hands on the Goth's shoulders, pushing her back into the chair.
"Abby!" Ziva said sharply. "Calm down!" She commanded, oh-so-tactfully. "Tony is fine- He would never intentionally cause himself pain. He is smarter than that. He may not act it, but he is. Besides," Ziva tried to force out a reassuring smile, "Do you think I'd let him do that to himself?" Abby shook her head, no, even though she still wasn't sure. Then, she surveyed Ziva up and down until her friend started to feel uncomfortable.
"Can I ask you a question?" Abby asked, once again uncertain if she should say what she was thinking.
"You just did, but go ahead," Ziva replied, letting a sigh of relief out. Abby was out of scene mode- She was sure of it.
"Do you love Tony?" Abby asked, catching Ziva off guard.
"I-what?" She asked, taken aback. "I, well, uh, Abby, you see-" Ziva stumbled over her words, something she rarely did when American idioms were not involved.
"You do, don't you?" Abby smiled slyly. Silently Ziva contemplated her feelings towards Tony. If logic meant anything, she should hate him. His incessant movie quotes could drive a Zen monk to go on a killing spree. He made fun of her to the point of cruelty. He killed her boyfriend! Still, she couldn't help but not hate him- quite the opposite.
For some inexplicable reason, Ziva realized, she loved Tony.
Running her hands down her face, Ziva felt her heart sink. "It makes no sense-" She mumbled to herself, forgetting about Abby. "How did this happen? I've lost count of how many times I have wanted to kill him over the years, how... When..." Ziva let out a long, frustrated sigh.
Just then, the elevator dinged and opened, revealing Tony and McGee.
"Speak of the devil," Abby said, bringing Ziva back to reality as her two teammates walked into the bull pen, mid- squabble. She walked back over to her own desk, and tried to return to her paper work.
"Look, DiNozzo, I just can't go. Living comes before movies," McGee said to Tony in an agitated voice.
"But McGee, I already got the tickets!" Tony whined, and then saw Abby sitting in her desk. He smirked, grabbed the sides of the wheeled chair, dragged it into the middle of the bull pen, and spun Abby around while he and McGee continued to argue. Abby laughed like a small child playing "Upsie-Daisy" with her father.
"To bad! My publisher will kill me if I cancel this meeting tonight!" McGee responded, rolling his eyes. "Take Abby or Ziva!"
"Abby is busy blowing up refrigerators for science later!" Abby declared, throwing up her right hand while still being spun around by Tony. Ziva looked up from her paperwork, finally just giving up on it altogether.
"Take Abby or Ziva where?" She asked, narrowing her eyes at McGee.
"McAuthor's bailing on our dinner and a movie plans, and I already got the tickets," Tony explained, glaring at McGee.
"What, like a date?" Abby asked, laughing. Tony stopped the chair, making the forensic scientist dizzy. "Whoa, Tony, I think you may need to sit down- Your spinning like crazy right now," Abby stood shakily, and fell a little as she started to walk. Tony grabbed her arm before she hit the floor. "Ziva, can you help me get down to my lab?" Abby asked, still wobbling. Ziva nodded curtly, got up, and assisted her friend to the elevator. Once the doors closed in the small metal room, Abby grinned widely at Ziva, despite her still being disoriented.
"What was with the spinning?" Ziva asked, as Abby nearly fell to the floor as the elevator started going down.
"Long story involving a bipolar Petty Officer, twenty-seven dollars, and a game of strip Go-Fish- You know, like strip poker, but with Go-Fish instead. But that isn't important right now- This is your chance!" Abby exclaimed, clinging to Ziva's arm. The Israeli desperately wanted to hear more of the back story on the chair spinning, but knew Abby wouldn't talk about it until after they discussed the movie invitation.
"Abby, I don't think he even wants me to go," Ziva said, trying to find a way out.
"Nonsense! Of course he wants you to go! He just doesn't want to look like he wants you to go!" Abby reasoned. "It's perfect!"
"But he didn't even say anything- McGee suggested it," Ziva pointed out. Abby's smile deflated slightly, only for a moment.
"So? That doesn't mean he didn't put McGee up to it!" Abby tried.
"That makes no sense!" Ziva interjected, hoping to make Abby realize how unrealistic any of it was. Of course, that would never work.
"Love makes no sense!" Abby countered, leaving Ziva speechless.
--
"I'm in," Ziva told Tony a few minutes later in the bull pen. He was sitting at his desk, rummaging through a desk drawer for something. She didn't look him in the eyes. She couldn't let him see the nervousness in them. "For the movie and dinner." Tony looked up from the drawer.
"Alright. I'll get you at eight," He said, sounding a little unsure. He noticed it, she noticed it. They didn't acknowledge it.
The rest of the work day went by uneventfully. By four thirty, Ziva found herself wishing that someone would turn up dead to save her from the awkward silence as she finished her paper work in the bull pen. Once it was fully finished and a copy was on Gibbs' desk, she excused herself down to Abby's lab.
"Abby!" Ziva shouted over the loud music. Abby turned around from her work table, where Ziva noticed what looked distinctly like C4. "Is that-"
"Yup. Like I said, I'm blowing up refrigerators for science later- Should be done by six thirty- McGee said Tony was coming at eight. By seven, I should be at your apartment, and we can pick out an outfit for you!" Abby giggled.
"Wait- McGee told you when the movie was?" Ziva asked suspiciously.
"Yeah, when he brought me down a Caf-Pow. I sort of interrogated him for any information on your date," Abby grinned sheepishly. "Sorry." For the next half hour until work ended, Ziva listened to Abby's constant babbling. Mostly, it was about her and Tony, and how wonderful it would be if they got together and got married and blah blah blah. After Abby started talking the color's for Ziva and Tony's wedding, said supposed bride tuned her out until Abby started mashing together names, mostly of people at NCIS.
"...There'll be four in total- T.J.- Timmy Jethro, and Donny- Full name Donald James, K.T.- short for Caitlyn Tali- and of course, little AJ- Abby Jenny!" Abby finished, grinning like a mad man.
"What?" Ziva asked. She had a hunch where this was going, was silently hoped she was wrong.
"That's what I want you guys to name your kids after you get married!" Abby said casually, as if talking about the weather. For a moment, Ziva was shocked speechless.
"Abby, we aren't getting married. We aren't having kids! I don't even think he views this as a date!" She let out, fighting the urge to say, 'You've completely lost it.' "And you had their names too quickly for that to just have been thought of!" She accused. Abby shrugged.
"I've been reading a lot of Deep Six fanfiction lately. Those people have a lot of time on their hands," Abby commented. Ziva groaned. "You've heard about Tisa, right?"
"It's what the fans call 'Tommy' and 'Lisa' as a couple I made the mistake of looking McGee's book up on Google," Ziva shook her head, and then checked the clock on Abby's computer. "I have to go," She said, leaving the lab.
"I'll be there at seven!" Abby called to her as she was leaving, then returned to the block of C4 she was preparing to have detonated. "You, my friend, are going to send a refrigerator to the moon."
--
"And remember, Tony won't make the first move. Not with you. He's too afraid you'd kill him or cut something off," Abby lectured as she ran out of Ziva's apartment.
That was ten minutes before eight. Tony arrived at eight o'three. During the thirteen minute gap, Ziva doubted whether or not she should go through with it as she looked in the mirror. Somehow, Abby had gotten her into a skimpy black cocktail dress and curled her hair just right. As she looked in the mirror, she had no doubt she was beautiful, but felt she was trying too hard. When Tony finally knocked on the door, she took a deep breath, and let him in.
For a moment, he was stunned as he looked her over. Then, he started chuckling.
"Oh, you are so going to be disappointed," He laughed. Ziva took the chance to check how he was dressed. A pair of old jeans, an old, slightly dirty sweatshirt with his college football team on it, and his hair seemed exactly the same as at work. When Tony kept laughing, Ziva snapped at him.
"What? What is so funny?" She growled. Tony quieted down a little.
"Well- You see, when I said 'Dinner and a movie,' I meant we go see The Boondock Saints 2: All Saints Day, then get something from McDonald's," Tony explained, chuckling again. Ziva glared at him. "What? Me and McGee do this all the time!"
"Let's just see the damn movie," She growled, grabbing her coat out of the closet. Tony held the door for her as they left her apartment.
"So what's with the dress?" He asked cockily as they walked to his car. "Goin' on a date after this? You know, Miss Dah-Veed, it IS a school night!" Tony mocked, elongating her last name.
"Abby picked it out," Ziva said coolly, opening the passenger door with as much force as she could.
"Abby? I thought she was busy sending fridges to the moon," Tony replied, getting in the driver's side.
"After she was done 'Sending fridges to the moon,'" She made air-quotes around the part Tony said, "She came over and forced it over my head." Again, Tony chuckled. Ziva couldn't help but notice an undertone of nervousness in the chuckle, but dismissed it.
When they were in their seats in Movie Theater, they chit-chatted before the previews started. After the previews started, Tony was obviously distracted, although Ziva wasn't sure if was because of the upcoming movies or something else. They kept talking until the actual movie started.
"What's it about?" She finally whispered, while a truck exploded in the preview on the silver screen.
"Two Irish Vigilante twin brothers go around killing bad-guys while quoting the Bible. Then some cops try to guess what happened, and get it completely wrong. At least, that was what happened in the first one. A lot of action, and pretty funny. Good plot, too. They drop the F-Bomb a lot, though. Took forever to make a sequel- But I heard they got everyone from the first one who mattered back," Tony explained in a hushed tone. "Oh, and-" The screen went black, and the movie started. Tony shut his trap. Ziva looked at him, expecting him to finish whatever he was going to say.
"Oh, what, Tony?" She asked, a little louder than they were talking before.
"Ziva, movie started. Don't talk," Tony said, then squeezed his eyes shut, as if anticipating pain.
"Did you just tell me to shut up?" Ziva asked, fake venom dripping from her voice. She didn't plan on hurting Tony, not much, at least, but she didn't mind watching him squirm.
"Yeah, and I'm sort of surprised I'm not bleeding yet." Ziva smirked, and settles with slapping him upside the head. "Thank you for waiting until after the movie to kill me."
--
She didn't get it.
It was vile, bigoted, and several jokes made no sense. At one point, the two main guys- The Saints- were having some sort of dream involving some guy who Tony explained died in the first movie. A black cat ran through, and everyone in the theater started laughing. Although, there were a few funny points. Ziva couldn't help but laugh at some of the arguments the Saints got into with each other and their friend.
Of course, throughout the movie, she wanted to talk to him, to tell him how she felt. After their little 'talk' at the beginning of the movie, she knew she couldn't, at least not before the credits. So instead of verbal communication, she tried body language. She felt like an embarrassed teenage boy as she yawned, stretched her arms, and draped her arm over Tony's shoulders. She even rested her head on his shoulder. He didn't notice. Ziva didn't even think he blinked once during the movie. When they finally left and got into Tony's car, she just nodded and smiled as he went on a rampage of movie-quotes and references.
"You didn't like it much, did you?" Tony finally asked, as they pulled into McDonald's parking lot.
"Not really," Ziva admitted, zipping up her jacket to shield herself from the cold.
"Well, you have to see the first to get this one. Maybe next week I'll rent The Boondock Saints One and we can watch it at my apartment," Tony grinned sincerely. Ziva couldn't help but smile back.
"It sounds fun," She said, holding the door to inside McDonald's open for him. Surprisingly, the fast-food joint was packed, with no open tables or seats. Tony got a Big Mac, and Ziva got the Chicken Fingers with some barbecue sauce. They had planned on eating inside, but seeing how packed it was, they went out to Tony's car to eat it.
"Just please don't get anything on the interior, please," Tony pleaded to Ziva as they climbed back into the car.
"I won't, as long as you turn up the heat," Ziva said, rubbing her arms as she saw her own breath. Tony shoved the key into the ignition, turned it, and heard a nasty sound coming from under the hood. He turned it over a few times before swearing.
"Damn battery died!" He yelled, getting out of the car. Ziva sighed. Of course.
"I'll call Abby!" She called out to Tony, still in the passenger's seat. He stuck his head back in the car.
"It'll take Abby too long to get here. Gibbs is closest," He grimaced. "Call him instead." Ziva looked at him silently a moment, before getting out of the car, flipping her cell phone open and hitting the Speed Dial Gibbs was on. It rang twice before her boss picked up.
"Yeah, Gibbs," He said, and Ziva heard something hit the floor on his end. "Damn wood," He said to himself.
"Are you starting on another boat?" Ziva asked, a bit curiously. Tony rolled his eyes, muttering 'Another one?' under his breath.
"Yeah. What's up?" Gibbs responded shortly. Ziva cleared her throat.
"Tony dragged me to the movies-" She started, before Tony interrupted her.
"I did not drag you!" He interjected. Ziva continued, ignoring him.
"-Then took me to McDonald's, and the battery of his car died. We are stuck in a cold parking lot, and he says you are the closest person to us at the moment." She finished.
"And?" Gibbs asked, sounding slightly amused.
"And I- We- were hoping you could come get us?" Ziva asked, surprised she had to explain further.
"I'll be there in fifteen minutes. Put DiNozzo on," Gibbs demanded. She looked up at Tony, holding the phone out to him. He waved his arms 'No.'
"Take the phone, or I will get back at you for telling me to shut up earlier." Ziva said, faking anger. Tony grabbed the phone from her, plastering an 'Everything's fine' smile on his face, and talked cheerily into the phone.
"Hey, Boss. I swear, the battery was fine before I left! Something must have blown a fuse-" He stopped. Ziva guessed Gibbs had yelled at him for something. "What? Oh, well McGee cancelled on our plans last minute, Abby said she was busy, and I don't think you'd want to see a movie with me." Pause. "Why?" Pause. "A really good Shoot 'Em Up movie. Basically, two-" Short pause. "Shutting up, Boss." There was one final, drawn out pause on Tony's end. "Thanks. See you soon." Tony flipped the phone closed, and handed it back to Ziva. She took it back and shivered as the wind picked up. "That jacket thick enough to keep you warm in that tiny dress?" She just glared at him and sat down on the hood of the car, reaching for the bag of unhealthy food. Tony sighed, pulling his sweatshirt off and handing it to her. "If you get pneumonia from this, Gibbs'll kill me."
"I'm not the one who nearly died from the plague," She said thrusting it back into his hands as he sat down next to her and grabbed his burger out of the bag.
"Yeah, but you're tiny. The cold can go through you more easily." Tony tossed it back at her.
"But your lungs are more susceptible to infection." Ziva tossed it back. He held it out to her, his eyes pleading.
"Please, just wear it. I don't want you to get sick," Tony asked, as politely as he could. She raised her eyebrows, but put it on anyway. Tony laughed. "Now was that so hard?" Ziva couldn't help but smile.
"It killed me a little inside," She joked.
Until Gibbs arrived, they talked and ate their food. Somehow, they had gotten onto the topic of McGee's book and a large portion of the fans wanted 'Tommy' and 'Lisa' to get together.
"I mean really! Tisa! Is that the best they could come up with for a name?" Ziva ranted as Tony laughed. "What about you? What would you call us- McGee's version of us- as a couple?" Ziva asked. Tony looked thoughtful for a moment, before grinning mischievously.
"Ham and Cheese." He said seriously, getting Ziva to chuckle. "I'm the cheese. You're the ham."
"I'm the ham? That's terrible!" She laughed. "Besides, I'm Jewish, I can't be the ham!"
"But if you were the cheese, you'd be dating the ham, so I think you being the ham is a bit more kosher." They both laughed at their ridiculous conversation, and then quieted. Tony looked at Ziva, looking like he was contemplating something. She looked back at him, and their eyes met. Maybe Abby was right. Maybe he did love her. Maybe they would get married, have a couple kids. Maybe-
"Why the hell aren't you wearing a jacket, DiNozzo?" Gibbs asked, walking up to the two agents sitting on the car hood. Without realizing it, they had drawn closer to each other in the silence. Ziva mentally cursed Gibbs for coming then.
"It was cold. I gave Ziva my sweatshirt," Tony explained himself, jumping off the car.
"I didn't want it, he made me wear it," Ziva claimed, getting off the car.
"Yeah, like I could make you do anything," He remarked.
"Both of you, get in the car." Gibbs said, turning around to his own car. They climbed into the back seat like two thirteen year olds on their first date, getting picked up and dropped off by their parents. In the car, Ziva took off the sweatshirt and handed it to Tony.
"It smelled horrible. When was the last time you washed this thing?" She asked, scrunching up her nose. The whole way to Ziva's apartment, they bickered and argued while Gibbs drove a little too fast, trying to not get involved in their childish squabbles. When they got there, she got out of the car, thanked Gibbs, and turned her attention to Tony.
"Surprisingly, tonight was fun. Thank you, Tony," She said, smiling slightly. "We should do this again sometime soon."
"Yeah, well, next time we take your car. But I still get to drive," He joked, smiling back.
"Night, Ziva," Gibbs said tersely.
"Goodnight, Gibbs, Tony," She said, shutting the door and going up to her apartment with a smile on her face.
--
It was the next day.
Tony was being unbearable. At first Ziva tolerated it like usual. Since she got back from... Somalia... His jokes had been a little cruel at times. However, today it was more than ever. When she couldn't take it anymore, she slammed her palm on her desk and shot him a look that would scare a dictator. Both Tony and McGee stared at her. Gibbs was in MTAC.
"What is your problem?" She demanded. "Why are you being such an ass?" Tony looked her straight in the eye.
"This is just who I am, Zee-Vuh," He said, once again elongating her name. She looked back at him for a moment, before moving out from behind her desk and headed out of the bull pen. When she was in front of his desk, she turned to him briefly.
"Sometimes, I think I hate you," Ziva spat, then stormed out. When she turned the corner, she felt a tear escape her eye, and headed into the closest bathroom, which happened to be the men's room. She splashed her face with cold water, then heard McGee yelling something at Tony outside the door. Quickly, she hid in one of the open stalls.
"What the hell is your problem?" McGee demanded when he and Tony entered the men's room.
"What's my problem? Right now, you!" Tony yelled, and unzipped his fly.
"Tony-"
"McGee, have you forgotten Rule number one for the men's room? When I whip it out, we both shut up and don't look at each other!" Tony exclaimed, and then started urinating in the urinal.
"You've got to be deeply mentally disturbed or something!" McGee growled. "How could you treat her like this?! You risked your life to save her, and then when we bring her back you treat her like garbage! Tony, this is the woman you love for Pete's sake!" Ziva, still in the stall, felt her eyes grow. "Did she kick you in the groin or something on your date last night to deserve this?"
"I don't think she thought it was a date," Tony bit. "No, it's all me. Hell, she didn't even hurt me when I told her to stop talking during the movie."
"You told her to shut up?" McGee asked in disbelief. "What, are you stupid or something?"
"Stupid is as stupid does," Tony replied bitterly, saying it with a fake Southern drawl.
"Well, did she try anything? You guys didn't make out at the movie, did you?" McGee asked, sounding a little like a gossiping teenager.
"I don't think she tried anything. I'm not sure," Tony sounded thoughtful. "No making out."
"You aren't sure if she tried anything?" McGee asked, again in disbelief.
"It was your dumb idea to put me in front of a movie I've been waiting for and expect me to pay attention to anything else," Tony retorted. "Damn, The Boondock Saints Two was good!"
"You saw All Saint's Day without me?" McGee exclaimed, sounding offended. "I introduced you to the first one!" Ziva shook her head, annoyed McGee would let himself get off track.
"I said I already had the tickets! If I took her to some sort of romantic movie, she'd think we were gay!" Tony exclaimed. McGee sighed angrily.
"What was I yelling at you about originally?" He asked, trying to forget the movie part. "Oh, right, you being an ass to Ziva. What's wrong with you?"
"Look, I know it's screwed up, but I can't- We can't be together..." Tony sighed heavily, zipping his fly back up. Ziva heard him walk to the sink, then heard running water. "I love her, but she shouldn't love me. She loved Rivkin, and I killed him."
"It was self defense, you can't-" McGee started, before Tony cut him off.
"Yes I can. I know it was self defense, but she should still hate me. She was on that boat because of me- Rivkin was supposed to be on it. If I hadn't killed him, we wouldn't have gone to Israel. She wouldn't have left NCIS. She wouldn't have replaced him on that boat. If it weren't for me, Ziva wouldn't have been tortured and nearly killed." Ziva felt her heart brake a little bit. It wasn't his fault. At least, she didn't blame him.
"Don't be so self centered, that would have happened anyway," McGee said, half-heartedly.
"Really, McGee?" Tony jabbed, and carried on when he got no response. "It nearly killed me when we heard she was dead. When I was tied to that chair before that bastard Saleem pulled the bag off her head, I wasn't sure I wanted to come home." The men's room was silent as McGee and Ziva let Tony's words sink in.
"So?" McGee challenged, not backing down. "So you can't live without her. You should be together, then! Do you ha any other reasons then she should hate you for why you shouldn't be together?"
"Several. I'm way older than her, half the time she can't stand me, and what do you think would happen if it didn't work out? Because I can only see this ending two ways: Either really good, or really, really bad. Option A; We get married, have kids, all that happily ever after stuff. Option B; We break up, and she either kills me or I have to find a new job. Or one of us dies in the field, most likely me. I don't want to put her through any more grief," Tony reasoned, leaning against the wall. Ziva could hear McGee boiling.
"You know what? You're being a coward! You're too afraid of it ending badly to take a chance! Well guess what, Tony! You ARE causing her grief! She loves you back and you're pushing her away, thinking it's for the best! It's not! You've been a total jerk to her since she got back! If you really loved her, then you'd show her how much she means to you!"
"I do love her, dammit!" Tony yelled.
"Then prove it," McGee said coolly. Ziva took a deep breath, then unlocked the stall door and stepped out.
"It is okay, you don't have to," Ziva said, walking over to Tony as the two men stood there, gaping at her. She took his face in her hands, pulled him down to her height, and kissed him on the mouth. He looked her in the eye.
"How much of that did you hear?" He asked stupidly. Ziva laughed, grabbed his hand, and dragged him out of the men's room. Outside and down the hall was Abby, looking like she was waiting for someone. Her eyes fell on Tony and Ziva's interlocked hands, and she grinned maniacally, but didn't say anything as they passed her. A minute later McGee came up to her.
"Our plan worked," She said excitedly.
"I still don't think it was necessary to screw with his car battery," McGee commented. "Needing to call Gibbs to pick them up wasn't exactly romantic."
"It gave them time to talk, and after Gibbs yelled at Tony once Ziva left, he sort of gave them his blessings. Kinda. Well, Tony came down to me and told me Gibbs said 'If you screw this up, DiNozzo, I'm shipping you out as Agent Afloat again,' so I count that as his blessings," Abby said. McGee sighed.
"Abby, your determination for some things scare me," McGee said, then looked at Tony and Ziva standing at the end of the hall, still holding hands.
"I could take over the world if I wanted," Abby joked, looking at the new couple, too.
"Ya know, things for them might work out fine," McGee said as Tony and Ziva kissed again.
--
Author's Note: Hope you enjoyed! Yeah, Abby and McGee plotted it all out. I think the "Long story involving a bipolar Petty Officer, twenty-seven dollars, and a game of strip Go-Fish" that lead to the chair spinning might need a story. Just a bunch of random things thrown together, but hey, it could work. Anyway, I would appreciate reviews and constructive criticism!