Pieces of clouds drifted slowly onto the frozen ground, accumulating to the point where plows had to clear the roads for the next morning traffic. I tilted my head upwards and allowed the snow to settle on my face. The moment of cold quickly faded as the heat of my face melted away the ice crystal. I pulled my robe closer to me, and just thought about the future. Sub-consciously my hand settled on my protruding stomach, the thought of a child inside of me made me smile. Everything was so perfect. I had the perfect home, perfect life, perfect husband and soon to be perfect family. Nothing could change that. Or at least I thought so.
"Rosie, honey, come inside. It's cold and I don't want you or the baby to get sick." Another smile lit my face. He was so considerate. Not many people take the time to look past his bulging muscles and prominent tattoos. On the surface he is scary, most likely an alcoholic, a biker, and not somebody you would want to know. On the inside he is the sweetest man I have ever known, who takes the time to do something right and gives everyone a chance, even little ole me. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't count my lucky stars that he is my husband.
"I'll be right there Emmett." I started to turn around when a sharp pain shot across my abdomen. I cried out in pain and in an instant Emmett was next to me asking what was wrong.
"It's nothing, just a moment of pain. That's all."
"Okay, come on inside anyways." But when another round of pain crippled me, I couldn't move. A trickle of blood slid down my leg and I felt an iron grip of panic clamp around my heart. Emmett saw the blood and all the color left his face.
"Honey I'm going to get the keys. Stay right there, we are going to the hospital."
Seeing as I wasn't going to be going anywhere anytime soon, I stood in the snow with tears of pain trekking down my cheek and a stream of blood staining the white ground below me. In record time Emmett was back and leading me to the passenger seat of the car. I was glad at that moment that we actually had a car. For the longest time our mode of transportation was Emmett's bike but once he found out I was pregnant he traded it in for a more family friendly vehicle. Just another instance of his considerate nature.
"Everything is going to be okay. Everything is going to be alright." I wasn't sure if Emmett was talking to me or himself but none the less I clung onto his words like a life raft. Everything had to be okay. Going well past the speed limit enabled us to get to the hospital in good time. We walked painfully slow to the ER entrance but once we were inside Emmett started to yell.
"Help, it's my wife, she's bleeding. Can we please get a doctor?" A weary nurse looked up from her station and when she saw my blood and then my stomach she was in action.
"Somebody page Dr. Cullen, tell him we have an emergency. And will somebody else please get these people a wheelchair?" I was set into a wheelchair by an elderly looking nurse, and rolled into an examining room. The nurses started doing various test and asked me questions.
"What is your name?"
"Rosalie McCarty."
"Your age?"
"25"
"How far along are you?"
"I'm still in my first trimester."
"Have any previous illnesses?"
"No."
"Any allergies?"
"None."
"Okay then, the doctor will be right in."
The nurses left, leaving Emmett and I alone in the stark white room. Emmett was looking at his hands like they held the meaning of life in them and I stared blankly across the room, not really taking in the watercolor reprint hanging there. The silence was so thick it was choking me. At the sound of the door opening my head whipped over to see a beautiful man of about 40 or so. This must be Dr. Cullen.
"Hello Mrs. McCarty, I'm Dr. Cullen." I couldn't speak so I just smiled weakly up at him. Emmett got out from his seat and stuck out his hand.
"Emmett McCarty."
"Pleasure to meet you," Dr. Cullen shook his hand firmly, his eyes never portraying any emotion except compassion.
"So I have some bad news." All the heat left my body, I could feel myself go limp.
"What kind of bad news?" I managed to whisper. Emmett moved next to me and held my hand tightly.
"Well Mrs. McCarty I'm not sure how to tell you this, but you've had a miscarriage."
The world stopped spinning at that one moment, life seized to exist at that one word. Miscarriage. My life was crumbling down around me. My eyes were going blurry with tears and I had to struggle to hear what the good doctor had to say next.
"It seems you have a hormonal disorder called Luteal Phase Defect and is common in some women. It is very hard to detect and is usually only discovered after a miscarriage takes place. The good news is that if you and your husband decide to try for another child there is a vitamin you can take to prevent this from happening again..."
I stopped listening after that. The baby inside of me was dead, the precious life form I had wanted since I was a little child myself was dead. I felt like a part of my heart had died. I was some what aware that Emmett was rubbing slow circles into my back, most likely in attempts to sooth my racking sobs. My perfect family was gone in an eye blink. How fragile life is. One minute I had a bright future and the next moment my life was grey. I only vaguely remember walking out of the hospital and into the now whipping snow. I was a zombie in a sense, walking mechanically.
Emmett sat in the drivers seat, quiet for a moment. He cleared his throat and looked over to me.
"I know this is hard. God, this is hard for me too. But we have to keep living Rose."
I sniffled and looked over to him. Keep living? How could I keep living when all I wanted to do was crawl into a dark hole a die? He must have sensed my thoughts because he went on.
"Rose...honey, you have to remember that we still have each other and there will be other children. You have to just keep looking forward." His words made no impact on me. I stared at him blankly.
"Are you even listening to me?" I managed a slight nod. He let out a loud sigh and started the car. The ride home was completely silent and when we pulled into our driveway I was out of the car as soon as the engine was dead. Emmett had forgotten to lock the doors in his haste so I walked right into the house and to that room. I opened the door and surveyed the surroundings. Paint cans were stacked in the corner, unopened with waiting paintbrushes beside them. A partially built crib was standing by the window, the moonlight reflecting upon it. I fell to the ground feeling like a hole had been ripped through my chest.
Emmett came up behind me and picked me off the ground. He gently placed me in our bed and left me alone. Somewhere in all my crying I remembered what Emmett said to me "Everything is going to be okay" Everything had to be okay, because how else was I supposed to live? I lifted my head from the wet pillow to see Emmett standing by the doorway. He climbed into the bed with me and held me close. It was like he was keeping all the pieces of me together by holding me so tight. I cried for what seems all night and fell into a fitful sleep. My dreams were filled with images of a faceless child I would never know. I was crying again and somewhere in the real world Emmett was rocking me back to sleep, whispering words of love into my ears. I couldn't stand crying anymore. It was draining me and it was hurting Emmett. What he said was right. I still had him, and for now that was all that mattered. He would help me fight for the will to live again because despite all that happened I still wanted my perfect family, the cute kids with Emmett's dark curls and my bright blue eyes. Because despite everything I still wanted life, I wanted that chance for a family, and I would do anything to get it. I snuggled closer into my husband's chest and resolved to not cry again. That winter night was a dark night for me. But that night is in the past and I have to keep living the future.