A/N:
Hey Y'all! So, I've been working on this for a bout a month now. I would have published it sooner, but I haven't felt that it was ready until now. I orginially planned to break it up into three or four short chapters, but i decided to make it a long one shot.
I've had this idea for a while now. I just didn't know how to write it.
(I will try to update my other stories soon. I just started a new job!)
Let me know what y'all think! :)
She was broken long before they were sent to Earth. Her parents. Finn. Mount Weather. Lexa. But each and every time Clarke managed to put herself back together. She pushed passed the pain of sewing each stitch on her open wounds. She had no morphine for her broken heart. There was no cure. There was nothing that could heal her pain. By now she had forgotten what happiness had once felt like. Now she only remembered pain, and it was all she had felt since they landed.
She thought that by being left alone for half a decade, she would have her time to heal. There was no one to save except herself. There was no one there that tried to kill her except that beautiful yet dangerous planet. Clarke struggled every day to survive alone on Earth, but it was easier than repeatedly putting her broken self back together.
They were now, once again, in space. She and Bellamy were no longer on speaking terms, and it all began when Bellamy put the flame in Madi. To Clarke, that moment caused her to fear that her life were to fall apart once again. She trusted him with her daughter's life. She thought she could trust him. She was so mad and so hurt. She believed that Bellamy wouldn't dare, but he did. So, she left him behind at the mercy of Bloodreina, and Clarke still felt that guilt even after he lived.
Clarke stared out of the window on the ship. That guilt of leaving him to die soon became an addition to her mountain of guilt. Each night she desperately fought to forget the faces of the people in Mount Weather and many others whom she had killed. Years after her actions, those same ghosts still haunted her dreams.
Occasionally, she allowed herself to think about the ones she loved like him or her father or Lexa whose deaths weren't hers to claim. It was the one moment Clarke allowed herself to be broken just so she could remember him. He was the one that made her heart physically hurt. His death was the death that finally broke her.
Clarke picked up the pencil and the journal that she had found on the ship, and she began to sketch. She depicted the intricate details of his eyes as if they were once again full of life. She was careful as she drew the curls that gently fell down on his forehead. To the best of her memory, Clarke drew each freckle on his face exactly where it belonged.
She was startled when she heard a knock on the cold, metal door. She placed the pencil in between the pages of the journal and shut it. Her hands wiped the small tear away from her face.
"Uh, come in." Clarke said. She looked up at the door hoping her daughter would be there to comfort her. The door opened, and Bellamy walked in.
"Can I talk to you for a sec?" Bellamy asked. There was silence. She refused to make eye contact with him, yet she nodded after she gave in and noticed how he pleaded with his eyes.
"Yeah, sure. I guess," Clarke mumbled. She turned to look back out the window.
Things between them were not as they had been. So much had happened. Before Praimfiya, they were them. They had each other. They trusted, supported, and even cared for each other. Now, their eyes were full of sadness and betrayal. They were broken, and their conversations were full of silence. He had placed the flame in Madi; she had left him for dead. Their trust for each other was just as gone as the life which was once on Earth.
Bellamy sat down beside her in the window sill. Clarke pulled her knees closer to her chest.
"Look, I just want to apologize for what I did."
"Bellamy," Clarke said. She couldn't have this conversation. Not right now. Not like this. She needed to grieve, and his presence already was not making it any easier.
She couldn't handle hearing him out. Their issues were partially her fault. If only you knew, she thought.
"Just hear me out, Clarke, please," he pleaded. He needed to do this. He needed her to hear him out. Bellamy wanted to fix things. He missed her and their friendship and their relationship as well. The two had been cruelly ripped apart by Praimfiya like two star-crossed lovers.
Clarke tried to look at him, but the pain she felt was too much. Bellamy's eyes reminded her of the eyes of the one she had lost. She returned her eyes to the dark space on the other side of the thick glass.
"I should have never betrayed your trust like that." He said. His voice was filled with guilt.
"You did more than betray my trust, Bellamy. You were the one person in this world who I thought would never hurt me," Clarke admitted. She let a single tear roll down her cheek. "and you did."
"I never thought you would hurt me either, but you did the moment you left me to die in that bloody pit with my sister." Bellamy voice was filled with hurt. Clarke knew she had hurt him. She turned her head back to face him.
"I was scared! Because you did the one thing I trusted you not to do!" Clarke raised her voice. "You put my daughter in harm's way. I've had the flame before. I know what it does to you-what it makes you feel. I was trying to protect her from that, and I thought you would protect Madi when I couldn't."
"You're a mother, Clarke. You want to protect your child. I get it. I spent sixteen years trying to protect O. She may not have been my daughter, but she still was my sister. She depended on me. She was my responsibility."
"No, Bellamy! You don't get it!" She raised her voice. Her lips quivered as she spoke. She wiped the tears from her eyes.
"What? What is it that I don't get? That it's different because you're her mother? That it's scary being a parental figure because you're terrified that something could happen? No matter how dark Bloodreina is, she's still the same little girl that my mother made me protect at all costs. I thought by putting the flame in Madi that maybe- just maybe I wouldn't lose my little sister!"
He could feel his heart pounding against his chest. He didn't come to start a fight. He didn't come so they could yell at each other. He came because he truly wanted to fix things.
"That's not the point, Bellamy. The point was that I wasn't about to endure the loss my child. I wouldn't have been able to handle it, not again!"
The room filled with a deafening silence. There was nothing but the sound of the machine hum, and that was something they would have to get used to again. Clarke watched his face change.
"Clarke, what do you mean?"
He looked at Clarke. He instantly felt regret for picking a fight with her. Bellamy had no idea that there had been another kid. He thought Madi was the only child that Clarke had found.
He made his way to her side of the window sill. He put his back in the corner, and let Clarke fall onto his chest. He placed his arms around her, and pulled her in. He held her tightly, silently vowing never to leave her side again.
Clarke choked out a sob as Bellamy did his best to comfort her. He had never seen Clarke this broken over something. He needed to be there for her.
He continued to hold her tightly. He placed a hand on her back and began to rub it up and down to comfort her.
Clarke pulled back to look at him. Bellamy placed his hand on her cheek and wiped a tear away.
Their relationship may have been broken, but he still cared. He still cared enough for his heart to hurt when he saw that hers was shattered. He still cared enough to have a want to take away her pain and to carry it for her.
"His name was Alexander Augustus. He was—," Clarke paused to attempt at composing her emotions. She was trying to stop hyperventilating. Bellamy placed his hand on hers. He squeezed it gently.
"He was only about two when he- he caught it. I should have seen the signs. I'm a doctor; I could- I could've saved him." Clarke said. She managed to calm her breathing.
"What was it?" He asked
"Malaria? I think. Based off of what I remember from the Ark that's what it seemed like. I think there was something in the valley that could have caused it."
"I'm so sorry, Clarke. I can't begin to understand what you're feeling now," Bellamy said. He squeezed her hand. You will, Clarke thought to herself. "Do you want to talk about him?"
She nodded. "I want to try to," Clarke sniffed. "I know you've probably got a thousand questions. You can ask me," Clarke said softly.
"Where did you and Madi find him?"
"We-uh- we didn't," Clarke paused. She tried to find her words. How could she tell him he had lost a child too? "Do you remember the night after I made that list, and you wrote my name on it?"
She watched him try to find his words, and she knew what he was thinking-what he was trying to say. He was mine, wasn't he? They were Bellamy and Clarke. They finished each other's sentences. Well, they used to.
"You're not saying that I?" Bellamy asked. Clarke silently cut him off with a heart breaking nod. She noticed the tears welding in his eyes. It was her turn to do the comforting hand squeeze. "I'm— was a father?"
"We had a son."
WEEKS BEFORE PRAIMFIYA
Clarke sat at the desk. The lantern illuminated the paper. She looked over at Bellamy who slept peacefully on the couch. She looked up at the ceiling to compose her emotions. The pencil dwindled in Clarke's fingers before she neatly wrote his name on the list
99. Bellamy Blake
The tip of the pencil lingered around number one hundred. She put the pencil down and cried. She couldn't be selfish and put her name on that list. There were plenty of others whose names deserve to be written down, but they weren't. Once again, Clarke would make that sacrifice for her people. Someone else should be there, but whose name deserved to be there more than another's?
Bellamy stood up and walked over to the desk. He looked down at the list.
"If I'm on that list, you're on that list," Bellamy said.
"Bellamy, I can't." Clarke let out a small sob.
"Write it down," He did his best to hold back tears. He wasn't going to leave her behind. "Write it down, or I will."
Clarke looked down, and Bellamy picked up the pencil to scribble down her name.
100. Clarke Griffin
"So now what?" Clarke looked up at him. He saw fear in her eyes. She knew she was strong, but sometimes even she needed him.
"We put it away and hope we never have to use it." Bellamy looked down and stepped closer to her chair.
"You still have hope?" Clarke was desperate for the slightest glimmer of hope.
"Are we still breathing?" Bellamy revealed a soft smile at the corner of his lips. Maybe that was her glimmer of hope.
He put his hand on her shoulder. Clarke's head naturally fell on his hand. She let the soft tear roll down her face. He felt it drip onto his hand.
"Get some sleep," Bellamy said. He walked backed back to the couch after giving her shoulder a comforting squeeze.
Clarke stood in front of Bellamy who sat on the couch.
"I can't. I'm scared, Bell," Clarke admitted. It was unusual for her to admit that sort of thing to anyone, even Bellamy. He grabbed her by the hand.
"Me too," Bellamy said softly. "Come here."
Clarke sat beside him and leaned back and rested her head on his shoulder. He turned his head to kiss the top of her head.
"I love you," she said. She sat up and turned to face him.
"I love you too, Princess."
She used to hate when he called her princess, but now, she didn't mind it. It started out as means of picking on her and reminding her that she and Wells had it made on the Ark. Now, it was different. Bellamy knew she wasn't like that. He had watched her go through things no one else could, but she did. Now, her heart fluttered every time he ever said it.
"Bell?"
"Yeah?"
"I don't want to wait anymore. I know I said I needed time before we did anything more, but
I don't want to waist what time we have here feeling scared. I don't want to feel hopeless. I don't want feel the responsibility and guilt for deciding who gets to live and who has to die. Can you just make me forget all of it, even if it's just for a moment? I need to feel something better than all of that."
"Are you sure?"
"I've never been more sure."
"When did you—"
"Know?," she finished his sentence. "I didn't know until after I recovered from the radiation poisoning. For a while, I just assumed it was all still symptoms from the radiation. I didn't think anything of it until I noticed I was starting to show. I was outgrowing my clothes even when I was hardly eating. I think I had him about thirty four weeks after you guys left."
Bellamy placed his arm around Clarke and pulled her in tightly before burying his face in her hair. He kissed the top of her forehead and held her close.
They sat together in silence. Both of them, letting soft, silent tears stream down their faces. Bellamy was still trying to process it all. All that time, he had unknowingly been a father. In that time, Clarke went through all of that alone. He instantly regretted leaving Clarke behind one thousand times more than he already did.
"Are you okay?" Clarke asked. She looked up at him.
"I will be," he said.
"He was— Gus was just as much a part of you as he was a part of me if not maybe even more. He looked just like you, you know," Clarke said. "He had this curly light brown hair with these two little curls that would always fall right in his face," Clarke had managed to smile as she talked about their child. "His eyes were bluer than the sky, and he had these little freckles all over his face just like you. He would laugh at anything, and his giggles and his smiles would just light up the room when he did. Madi would pretend to sneeze, and he loved it."
Clarke reached for the journal that rested in her former seat. She flipped through the pages until she had reached the one on which she had drawn. Clarke tore it out and handed it to Bellamy. He traced the fingers of his free hand across it.
"He was beautiful," Bellamy said. He looked up at Clarke before he tried to hand it back.
"Keep it," Clarke said, "I can sketch another one if I need to. I have two that I always keep in my pocket. I had more, but they were left behind when we left."
"Can I see them?" Bellamy asked.
Clarke put her hand in her jacket pocket and pulled out two folded pieces of paper. She unfolded them and handed them to Bellamy. The first one was of the baby laughing in the valley with Madi.
Bellamy wiped a tear away when he saw the second drawing. It was of Clarke and the baby; except, Bellamy was in this drawing. Bellamy held a grinning baby on his right hip as Clarke was shown clinging to Bellamy's arm. She was smiling as she was looking up at Bellamy. Her right arm was wrapped around his left arm, and her left hand was holding Gus' small hand. Bellamy was drawn with a smile as he was looking at the baby.
"We look so happy," Bellamy said.
"We would have been," Clarke said. "There was no Praimfiya, and there were no more wars. Everything was normal and peaceful. We got to settle down and be a family. We got to be what we were meant to be."
"You really think that would have happened?"
"I do," she said. "That was all I thought about when I had him. You would come back to me and we would be a family, but then he—he d-," Clarke paused to try to keep her emotions in check
"Clarke," Bellamy said. Clarke took in a deep breath and exhaled.
"He died, and a part of me died with him. Madi was only eight or nine." Clarke paused and looked down. "I wasn't the mother that she needed me to be. She wasn't supposed to spend a year of her childhood piecing me back together. She was just a kid. I mean— I was supposed to be the one to take care of her, and I couldn't even do that."
"Clarke, listen to me. She did that because she loves you. You're her mother. Why do you think I stepped up for Octavia? I mean, yeah, I didn't really have a choice in the matter. My mom put so much responsibility on me, a six-year-old, but I did it because I loved my mother and that sweet, little, baby girl."
Clarke could see the pain in his eyes as he spoke of Octavia and his mother. She understood his pain because it still hurt to talk about her dad.
"You did an amazing job raising her, Princess, and I know—," Bellamy stopped to gather himself. His voice filled with emotion. "I know you did an amazing job raising our little boy."
Clarke sniffed. She rested her head on his shoulder
"You would have made an incredible father, you know."
"You don't know that," Bellamy said.
"I do know that, Bell. Look at how you raised your sister. Look at how you led the kids when we first came to Earth." She wrapped her arm around his.
"You know, Jasper and Monty used to call us dad," Bellamy said.
"What? When?" Clarke said as she laughed. He missed hearing her laugh.
"When we first landed, and I mean when you think about it, we kind of were," Bellamy smiled.
"Yeah, I guess we were," she smiled back.
The two sat in silence. Clarke's head remained on his shoulder. He placed his hand out and waited for hers. Their fingers intertwined.
"Every night, I wished that you were with me, and that if for some cruel reason, you weren't alive, that you were. I wished that you had me in your arms and that you were holding me
so tight that I couldn't fall apart. I looked for so many ways to tell you if you ever came back, but when you finally did, I couldn't."
"Why didn't you?"
"You were with Echo, and you looked happy. I didn't want to ruin it for you by causing you to feel what I've been feeling all these years. Once you feel it, you can't take it away."
"You don't have to protect me from feeling this pain. I can handle it."
"But you wouldn't have. Raven told me how you were when you thought I was dead. I wasn't even able to handle it."
"You don't have to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders because you will always have me. We're back together, and we have each other now."
"What about Echo?" Clarke asked. Her words stung.
"That's over. I guess it always had been. I just didn't see it until she made me. She told me she watched when Madi told us you were in trouble and you were alive," He paused, "I saw you for the first time after knowing you were dead. I saw you in that cell, and all those feelings for you came rushing back. I thought it was the spur of the moment, but it wasn't. It was you, and it's always been you Princess. Don't you see that?"
Clarke let a soft smile creep across her lips. He still cares.
"Look, I know things are different, and I don't expect you to forgive me right off the bat after everything I did. But can we just start over as friends, and one day when the time is right we could, I don't know, maybe pick up where we left off?"
"I'd like that," Clarke smiled. She could finally see herself becoming happy again. Bellamy now knew exactly what she meant when she said Gus' smile could light up a room. The child may have had his looks, but the smile- that was purely Clarke.
"Me too, Princess," Bellamy said. She felt her broken heart flutter again. Maybe that was the cure. Maybe it was happiness after all. "Friends?"
"No." Clarke watched Bellamy's face change.
"What?"
"You heard me," she smiled. "If we're starting over, we're whatever the hell we want, Blake."