Dean Winchester had a secret. Not a "I'm about to set off the apocalypse" kind of secret, more like a "I secretly listen to Taylor Swift" kind of secret. Which he didn't. Ever.
Dean wrote song lyrics. Everywhere, on any surface: napkins, paper, his arm-once, when he was desperate, he'd written them on some toilet paper. He never kept the lyrics, always chucking them in the garbage or scrubbing them off of his skin, but it wasn't about profit or anything anyways. Sammy thought he bottled everything inside, and he was right, to an extent, but Dean also had his own way of venting that didn't make him feel like a teenage girl. At least, not as much.
So he wrote.
And in the end, it was his own carelessness that caught him out.
He and Sammy had just finished packing their things into the trunk of the impala and were climbing into the car to set off on their next hunt. Dean started up the car, smirking slightly as his baby purred, and turned on the radio, expecting to hear his own music blasting out. Maybe some AC/DC- he was in the mood for AC/DC. Instead, however, the opening notes of some song he'd never heard before filtered out of the speakers, and Dean immediately rounded on Sam. "What is this?" He asked irritably.
"It's this new song that came out. It's actually really good-for once, can we just listen to something I like? One song, man, I promise it won't kill you."
Usually, Dean would immediately refuse. He didn't listen to the girly, pop junk his effeminate brother did. He was a man, he listened to manly music, and he was not overcompensating, no matter what Sam said.
But the lyrics had started and Dean found himself staring wide-eyed at the radio, frozen in place and forgetting to even breathe.
'Angel of Mercy, how did you find me?
Where did you read my story?
Pulled from the papers, desperate and hardened
Seeking a momentary fix...'
He knew this song. Albeit, not the tune, but the words...
He'd written those words.
It was one of his better songs, if he said so himself. But it was also very personal and close to heart, written about something he'd never talked about to anyone, including his brother.
'All I wanted to say, all I wanted to do
Is fall apart now.
All I wanted to feel, I wanted to love
Is all my fault now.'
His mind flew back to where he'd been when he wrote it. A diner, classier than his usual hideout, mostly because it'd been the first one he'd found. He was alone by choice, needing space after having a fight with Cas-again-and he'd written the lyrics to let off steam. Then he'd thrown them away on his way out...
Hadn't he?
"Sam," he said quietly. "Who sings this song?"
Sam looked surprised. He hadn't actually expected Dean to give in to his request. "A band called OneRepublic. It's funny, actually, the backstory behind this song. They found the words written on a napkin in some diner, actually in a place we've been, and they-wait-oh my God. Dean!"
Dean didn't bother to acknowledge his too-smart brother, busy listening intently to the music coming from his radio. The song wasn't how he pictured it playing, as his tastes leaned more to the heavier side of music...but he actually liked this better. It fit, somehow.
'A tragedy I fear!
Angel of Mercy, how did you find me?
How did you pick me up again?
Angel of Mercy, how did you move me?
Why am I on my feet again?
And I see you, whoa, whoa, whoa.
And I feel you, whoa, whoa, whoa.'
"Dean! Did you write this? Oh my God. You totally wrote this. Oh my God. This is about Cas, isn't it? I knew you had feelings for him! With all your staring contests and personal space issues and seriously, sometimes I feel awkward being in the same room with you guys-"
"Dude, shut up!"
"Sorry." Sam clamped his mouth closed, but his face made it very clear that he was still freaking out internally.
'Fortress of daylight
Caught me on standby
Waiting to catch the quickest plane.
Fly me to nowhere
It's better than somewhere
That's where I've been and
Nothing's changed.'
"I heard the interview about this song, actually." Sam said quietly a few seconds later. "They said they found it written on a napkin in the diner and didn't change it at all. They said it was beautiful and they wanted to give credit to whoever wrote it, so they kept it exactly the same and-they also said that, whoever it was, they hoped he or she was with the person they wrote the song about. Dean. Did you write this about Cas?"
'All I wanted to say, all I wanted to do
Is fall apart now.
All I wanted to feel, I wanted to love
It's all my fault now.
A tragedy for sure!
Angel of Mercy, how did you find me?
How did you pick me up again?
Angel of Mercy, how did you move me?
Why am I on my feet again?
And I see you, whoa, whoa, whoa.
And I feel you, whoa, whoa, whoa.'
Dean sighed. He had written this about Cas, of course he had. He'd only realized what his feelings for the angel were a little while ago, maybe a couple months, but he'd had them for a very long time. And yes, he was in love with Cas. Very in love with Cas.
But could he admit that out loud?
Being in love was...putting himself out there. It was opening himself up for heartbreak, and Dean had had much, much more than enough heartbreak in his life. He wasn't sure he could handle much more. Basically, admitting he was in love with Castiel was the equivalent to pulling his heart out of his chest, putting it in Cas' hands, handing him a dagger, and asking him to please not stab it, if he would be so kind.
Dean added a weight on Cas' hand in his mental analogy, pulling the blade down, just for good measure.
He shook his head a little. He couldn't do it. This was easier, he could keep his...infatuation a secret until he got over it and then nobody would have to get hurt. And by nobody, he meant himself.
'I'm so lost in you, oh
A tragedy, it seemed to be, but what now?
What now?
A tragedy, it seemed to be, but what now?'
But what if, on the off-chance Cas reciprocated these feelings, he was just closing himself off from happiness? He was not masochistic. Dean wanted to be happy-he wanted it very badly. But was this worth it?
Well, he decided, it wasn't like telling Sam meant he had to scream it to the man-or angel, he supposed-himself. And anyways, Sam was good at these girly, chick flick things. Dean was not. Sam would know what to do-he probably watched Disney channel and listened to Taylor Swift in his spare time.
Dean didn't listen to Taylor Swift. Nope. Not ever.
He took a deep breath. "Sam," he began, preparing himself. "You'd better not go all girl on me and freak out, but-"
"Oh my God I knew it!"
"Sam!"
"Sorry."
Dean pinched the bridge of his nose. "Alright, that's it, we're leaving, pull out the map-"
"No no no, I'm sorry, I've just been waiting a long time for you to admit that you're in love with him, it's a lot of pent up frustration. I'm calm. Talk to me."
Dean glared at him. "You're such a girl."
"You're the one in love with a dude." Sam's eyes widened. "Not that I care about that-though I am now justified in saying that your hair metal music is totally your way of over-compensating-"
"This conversation is now officially over. The end. Fin."
"No wait, wait, just say it. Say, 'I'm in love with Castiel.'"
"I'm not feeding your weird obsession with my love life."
"Come on, man, it's therapeutic."
"I'm not saying it."
"Please, just once-"
"No, Sam!"
"You don't even-"
"Sam shut up-"
"Saying it will release-"
"I regret ever telling you-"
"Technically you didn't-"
"Oh my God-"
"Just say it-"
"I'M IN LOVE WITH CAS. NOW SHUT UP, SIT BACK AND KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT."
They sat in silence for a few seconds, the radio still playing in the background some song neither of them knew. Sam had a smug look on his face, and Dean glared at the steering wheel as though it had committed some great offense against him.
The quiet was broken by the sound of wings behind them. Dean bit back a groan as he heard Cas' voice ring through the impala.
"Did I miss something?"
As Sam burst into laughter, Dean let his forehead smack against the steering wheel and promptly decided he was never moving again.
"...I'm going to take your reactions as a yes."
A/N
Lol. Poor Dean. I had so much fun with this! Don't forget to review please :D