A/N: This is random Akatsuki crack, I was bored, I cannot explain any more explicit than such, enjoy. :D
Summary: As of a temporary illness of the fishflu from Kisame, Itachi was left without a partner. Coincidentally, Deidara was one partner short too. [ItaDei CRACK]
Word count: 1864
--
Partnership
--
As of a temporary illness of the fishflu from Kisame, Itachi was left without a partner.
It was kinda funny. Kisame had cleary stated he could not eat fish. Yet Sasori, Kakuzu, Hidan and Deidara had forced him to swallow a whole barracuda. Yes, all four were quite necessary to pull off this feat. Kakuzu was particulary vicious as Hidan had offered to give him the loose change in his other Akatsuki cloak. It summed up to about 48 yen.
A sum Kakuzu would be more than willing to die for.
Kisame, having devoured his not so distant relative, turned yellow, green, purple, a beautiful shade of light lilac and then returned to his original bleak blue. He then proceeded to shake violently, foam at the mouth and scream continuously at the top of his lungs in hysterics.
Kind souls would've tried to help him.
His comrades chained him to a chair and stuffed socks in his mouth to muffle the screaming.
Because Akatsuki was a cold-blooded organization that all ate puppies for breakfast and slept on the skin of murdered pregnant women.
And so Itachi was left without a partner.
For almost the same reasons Deidara was one partner short too.
Hidan had realized that Orochimaru had been wearing that cloak when he deserted the Akatsuki, and ultimately those 48 yen were forever lost. Kakuzu had attacked him furiously as the yen-signs in his eyes disintergrated in the fire burning there. Hidan had hidden behind Sasori, an inexplicable reflex seeing as he wouldn't die anyway, leaving Sasori-pieces all over their ever so secret hideout.
Wiser men would have argued that this was most unwise. But Madara had never been close or even familiar with the term sane.
And so, Itachi and Deidara formed a team of love and powerful youth to eviscerate the world in the name of Akatsuki. And in the name of love and powerful youth.
"I never agreed to this." Itachi said coldly and stared angrily into the wall.
"Yes you did!" Deidara said, shocked, and flailed his arms about.
"No, I didn't."
FLASHBACK
"Do you wanna be my partner then, Itachi?"
"No."
END FLASHBACK
"Oh..."
The team, WeaselClay for short (rather than FishWeasel that Itachi was used to, the change was almost more than one could handle) were assigned to go fetch a forbidden scroll in a temple on the far side of the forest.
The scroll was somehow an important piece to the road of complete world domination.
How?
No one had ever known the secret... And lived.
They strolled down the road.
Deidara hated Itachi, for the record.
"I hate you, un."
"..."
"You have wrinkles like an old man, un."
"..."
"You were childmolested by Orochimaru, un."
"..."
"You want to having incest-sex with your little brother, un."
"..."
"You wear gay nailpolish, un."
Itachi looked at Deidara's bright red toenails.
"You look like a girl, un."
Itachi looked at Deidara in general.
"... You smell."
Itachi smacked a treebranch into Deidara's face, sending him flying away.
Not far away enough though it would seem.
Ah, one could conclude Deidara really hated Itachi.
The feeling was mutual. Probably. Or not. Maybe. It was hard to tell with Itachi.
"You bitch!" Deidara shouted at him and threw a pointy stick in Itachi's direction. "Un!"
"Such is incorrect to say to someone whom is lacking a vagina."
Deidara tried to punch him again but was kiddytripped. Itachi smirked.
"You are a bitch."
Deidara turned red with rage at the insinuation of his lack of manliness and excess vagina. Itachi smirked wider.
Controlling himself, the walk of Deidara and the Weasel could go on.
During this walk Itachi knocked the vaginaman down several times by throwing pebbles with the speed of light at Deidara's feet. He could never catch the Weasel doing it, so he had to settle with sulking in silence, muttering darkly and cast curses upon Itachi's descendants.
Not that there would be any of those. The gay nailpolish had infected half his body now so the gaymation would soon be complete. Orochimaru, Sasori, Deidara and Zetsu were already completely turned. But for some strange reason Zetsu had strayed and got off to eating men rather than having sex with them.
Team WeaselClay had now reached the temple.
It looked deserted, so they walked in. By the power of sheer luck and plot-holing, the scroll lay on an altar of stone in the center of the large room.
"Victory, un!"
Deidara sprinted towards the scroll, fire burning in his eyes and tongue hanging out.
This victory he was referring to was not the retrival of the scroll. He was referring to the end of the mission at which he would be relieved of his mortal enemy. ...Itachi.
Itachi didn't care. He didn't care about anything. If you are truly evil, you care about nothing. Nothing. Except world domination. And sex with family members. And then nothing.
A bare foot kicked Deidara in the face. He skid back over the ground.
"I am the last sage of this temple and I cannot permit anyone to steal this sacred scroll of temptation! Be gone, ye filth! Vanish!"
When neither Itachi nor Deidara evaporated on command, he launched himself at the closest one. Deidara and the sage with the suspicious smell engaged in a wild fistfight.
Itachi ignored them and swooped over to the scroll in a bad-guy way and pocketed this treasure.
Then he leaned back and watched Deidara battle an old man.
It was funny.
He snickered as he watched Deidara claw and tear his own face off having suffered something that could have been named an 'Arse Attack'.
"Die, old man, un!"
The blond charged at him but his attack was swiftly dodged and Deidara ran head on into a huge statue of what looked like the more unfortunate brother of their sage friend.
It cracked slightly over the fat stomach and then promptly fell over, effectively crushing him beneath.
"SAGE POWER!" the shaved man hollered.
The man looked like he was going to do a victory slash raindance but was cut off by Deidara whom was shouting things that could have possibly opened the gates of hell. And it made Itachi want to have sex with him for a split second.
When Deidara finally pawed himself out from under the possibly 100 000 000 kilo statue (Itachi had only watched, cackling with glee on the inside) the old sage was already far gone.
If the horrid mask of fear on his face were anything to go by, he might have evaporized on the spot. But he hadn't, he had just jumped out what was supposed to be a broken window. He was most likely continents away from this place by now. Or he might just have killed himself.
When Deidara didn't do anything to annoy him for half a minute, Itachi glanced over to the injureé. Blood gushed out of what looked like a hole on his torso. The stone must've been so heavy it cracked Deidara open, he concluded.
Good.
"Ow, ow, ow, un!" Deidara moaned as he nursed his arm that looked broken and also had long gash stretched along the length of it. "Bitch, it hurts, un! Goddamn cocksmasher it HURTS!"
Inexplicably, Itachi felt bad for him. That statue had been seriously fat and maybe it had hurt a bit to be crushed under it. And poor Deidara was too weak and foolish to protect himself...
Foolish Deidara...
Foolish little Deidara...
Foolish little brother...
Foolish little otouto– wait, no, wrong...
Itachi kneeled and pulled out bandages from the inside of his Akatsuki cloak. Maybe Madara was crazy, but he knew evil supercriminals would need a lot of things and where best to put them but inside their clothing? Genius.
Roughly forcing the smaller man upwards, he rolled the fabric around his chest and felt the blood stop.
Deidara grudgingly allowed this and occacionally shifted uncomfortably.
And kept shifting. Damn it, why did Itachi have to be so attractive?! It was so annoying and he was just touching everywhere and his close-to-death experience was telling him to confirm his existence (yes, real people experience this at times) by doing something naughty.
As Deidara thought this over, he failed to notice the hungry look Itachi was giving his bleeding arm. But he didn't fail to notice when Itachi bent down and licked some of the blood off the gash.
"EEWW!" Deidara shrieked. "Disgusting, un!"
Itachi looked at the wound with longing eyes. "But it's so red and bloody..."
The blond looked at the wound. By God, Itachi was right! It was red and bloody!
Eyeing eachother up and down, they realized maybe they should have sex... Itachi's gaymation was almost complete and his weird attraction to blood fit in the context perfectly. And Deidara had been close to death, it was customary to have sex then.
"Only this one time." Deidara warned, wiggling his finger as he unbuttoned his cloak. Itachi nodded eagerly and began sucking his blood.
A few hours of sucking blood and other various things, they got dressed and returned back to base.
When they found out Akatsuki had been listening through a microphone hidden somewhere in their goddamned cloaks by Madara, they weren't happy.
A/N: Anyway, I hope you enjoyed my randomness! :D Reviews are love! :D