Author's Note: Just a silly little one-shot I was thinking about. . . I'm a sick fuck, okay? But so is Jasper if you think about it.

I wrote this entirely for fun!

Rated M for a reason!

"Holy fucking God!"

It was the most intense orgasm that I think I would have ever almost had.

Almost.

Suddenly all the wonderful pleasure inducing awesomeness disappeared and I was one angry bitch. It was so strange! The dream I was having, about some moody bitch named Stella or something and her love for some polka-dotted clampire, it was dumb as all fuck but it made me horny. And then that incredible vibrating from between my legs woke me up.. . .

The bed is wet. . . ?

I flipped the covers off of my body and beheld the river in my sheets.

Well damn.

I got out of the bed carefully and, with my legs spread wide open, walked to the bathroom. I looked like I had a rat trap attached to my crotch.

I washed up, changed the sheets, doubled up on underwear, and went back to bed. I was just near sleep when that vibrating started again.

I wanted to fucking scream. The vibrating was inside me.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, ohhhhhhhhshiiiiiitttttttt!"

I was going to come. I was going to come, or die trying.

I felt it! I felt whatever was there attempt flight but I grabbed what felt like a head full of hair and shoved it back down. I could really give a fuck who it was.

"Give. Me. Head. NOW!" My snarling paid off because when I pulled the hair back it elicited a growl from whoever was there and they all but swan dived back into my junk.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! Oh yeah! Make Swan Lake for me!"

Soooooo close!

I flipped the cover back to see what the angelic deliverance to my snatch looked like and fucking convulsed from my orgasm when I saw Emmett's face.

"Fucking shit!"

"Oh shit," Emmett groaned.

We make sailors look like saints.

But Edward was going to swab the damn deck with Emmett's face when he found out about this.

I managed a "Stay," through all of the spasms and panting but he obeyed and perched himself on the edge of my bed.

"First of all, what the fuck fucked me just now?"

He grinned as wide as he could and wagged his tongue at me. "That was all Emmett, baby."

"Mm-hmm. Second, what the fuck are you doing in my room, Ice Peen?"

"Fucking you!"

"No shit, Sherlock! Why aren't you fucking Rosalie was my question."

"'Cause Rose's snatch isn't warm, and she's having some type of weird incest-orgy with Esme and Carlisle."

"That doesn't give you the right to tongue fuck me in the middle of the night, Spermett Crab!"

"Where the hell are you coming up with these, Belly!" he guffawed. "This shit is terrible!"

"You know what? I'm getting no where with this! Get the fuck out before I call Edward!"

"A little late for that, love."

My head snapped toward the window as Edward crawled in all Come-Hither-and-Get-Fucked like. I swooned.

"Edward." Emmett got up from the bed and began backing towards the door. "It's not what it looks-"

"Shut the fuck up, Emmett. I knew what you were thinking while you were defiling Bella. You couldn't come up with a lie-"

"No! You shut up, Edward!" Um, what the fuck? Why does Emmett sound so. . . emotional all of a sudden? I ignored the soggy underwear sticking to my thighs and watched with rapt attention as Edward placed his hands on either side of Emmett's face, looking deep into his eyes. . . . The fuck?

"Hey, hey, sshhhh! Sshhhh! I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-"

"No! You knew exactly what you were doing! You told me to shut up and we had an entire discussion abut this, Eddie!"

Okay, now he just sounded like a whiny little bitch.

"You're always yelling at me, and belittling me and-"

Edward cut him off with a searing kiss and my fucking jaw dropped.

Did he really. . . ?

On the. . . ?

And why the hell am I not doing anything about. . . . ?

"What the fuck!" My screech cut off their little tongue-fuck fest and they both looked at me like I grew a fourth titty.

"Edward, you're gay now? What the fuck!"

I knew why I wasn't really pissed off with them. One, Em just gave me the most intense orgasm ever gifted and two, because that was actually kind of hot, the little guy on guy action. Made me horny, honestly.

"What?" they both asked in unison. Weird. They looked at each other and were about to throw down when we suddenly heard Alice screeching outside.

Both Vamp fuckers flew out the window and I fumbled to it as well, tripping and stumbling with my legs still swathed in blankets. I immediately noticed how un-horny I was because my damn double layered boy shorts were clinging uncomfortably.

Alice was beating Jasper in the head senselessly at fucking Vamper speed and lighting his shit up.

Edward and Emmett stood right behind her with makeshift weapons of branches and disabled water pipes in their hands, standing a good 10 feet apart from each other, looking uncomfortable themselves.

When the angry pixie calmed down a bit, I finally caught some of what she was saying.

"You tricked me you curly headed-fuck. . . . I should let Em take you in the woods and. . . fucking manipulating all of our emotions like that!"

I gasped and picked up the heaviest thing I could find, ran back to the window and hurled that shit at Jasper's face like my life depended on it. That ass-twat was using his abilities and using us like fucking puppets.

Alice stood from on top of him and kicked him in the ribs. I flinched at the deafening cracking sound that reverberated off the trees and watched as Edward and Emmett took turns bludgeoning him to death. Well, second death.

"That was for Carlisle, Esme and Rose!" Alice seethed. "Nice shot up there, Bella! How dare you manipulate orgies like that, you sick bastard! I could-"

I shut the window, tossed my sheets in the corner, and pulled out my most massive of vibrators, Edward II. Sadly, their fucking Jasper up wasn't gonna make my girly bits happy, and Alice's shit talking wasn't going to get me there, either.

"Stella and her polka-dotted clampire, lend me your tongues!"

Author's Note: I am so sorry to anyone who actually read through that whole mess up there :/

I'm sick in the fucking head and so are these bitches I wrote about. Especially you, Jasper 0.0.

A review is definitely not necessary but it is extremely appreciated. Back to work on the other fics. . .