My first reaping.
I stare up at the giant glass ball filled with thousands of paper slips. Each one bearing the name of an eligible female tribute from District 2. It's unlikely that whoever enters the games this year will come home alive. Last year's victor was from our district. Our male tribute, Connor something-or-other, made it back. But our female tribute didn't. Alyssa didn't. I can feel the tears coming, but I don't try stopping them anymore, it's better to just let yourself cry. A few other 12 year olds nearby stare at me. I don't care; I don't like any of them anyway. The mayor finally finishes going on about how great Panem is, and how all-powerful the capitol is, and all the other lies. How powerful would the capitol be against an earthquake, or a tsunami? District 2's escort, Tilly… whatever her last name is, plucks a piece of paper from the girls' ball. Relief courses through me, it's not a name I recognize. The girl whose just been called walks to the stage confidently. She's one of the 17 or 18 year olds who would have volunteered if someone younger or incapable, or someone who just didn't want to go was chosen. After the girl introduces herself Tilly crosses the stage and draws a boy's name. The relief comes too soon this time. Even though I've never met the boy whose name was just called I know the boy stepping out of the crowd in the 15 year olds section.
"I volunteer" he shouts up at Tilly.
I stand there for a moment trying to catch my breath, trying to remember how to breathe. I can feel the air being crushed out of my lungs, I can feel myself suffocating. I force my eyes to focus on the boy who's just volunteered to die. I gasp and begin to push through the crowd. The tears are flowing faster now, but I still don't care. I grab his arm just before he mounts the stage.
"No," I manage between sobs "you can't!"
He looks down at me and I search his face for any sign of the boy I knew a year ago. I can't find one. This new person standing here in that boy's place, he scares me. "I already am," his voice is too calm, too controlled to belong to the person I knew. The problem is that if I let this new person walk away I'll lose any chance of ever finding who he used to be.
"She wouldn't want you to," I sob.
His face shows the pain he's trying to hide from the rest of Panem. In that one expression, I see everything I'm looking for.
He wrenches his arm from my grasp and climbs the steps to the stage.
The last thing I hear him whisper almost pushes me over the edge. He's not stupid, thinking he'll make it back when we just had a tribute win last year. He's suicidal.
"She's not here to stop me because we didn't stop her." He blames himself.
Tilly, of course, acts like nothing has happened. I don't move. I just stand there sobbing hysterically. I catch last year's victor, Connor, watching me as I fall to pieces. But no matter what happens I won't let myself break, not again. I won't break, I've already been broken but maybe that just makes me stronger.