It was different when I came to my senses this time. Before, I was almost always in the dark - pitch black, really. Those times there was light, it was always too bright - it always hurt my eyes.
Though I could tell it was different, I instinctively drew my legs up to my chest and moved my hands to shield my eyes. I knew it wouldn't matter, whatever I did, they would find a way to torment me. I wasn't sure if it would be better if I ignored them, let them think I was strong enough to face whatever they had without flinching; but I hadn't been able to think about it. I had been reduced to flinching every time I woke up - never knowing what they would do to me this time.
I could tell, however, that what they were doing to me was getting worse. Not that each time was worse than than last, but it was much more intense than when they started. As weird as it sounds, it was a little comforting. I always thought that I was holding up ok, that I wasn't giving them anything but I could never be sure. I could be forgetting things. I knew I had been pumped full of drugs, and was worried that I had said something without knowing I was saying it. The fact that they were ramping things up made me think I hadn't given them anything yet, but I wasn't sure.
Still, I had to keep trying. I had to keep Adrian in my mind -if I was still sane, and that was a big if, it was because of my memories of him. I had to keep him in my mind, but off of my lips.
And I was apparently doing it - I couldn't tell much from the flat, emotionless voice I kept hearing, but I could tell they weren't happy with me.
The last few sessions had been the worst. Somehow, the physical pain had increased. For the longest time, what I felt physically seemed fairly constant - they had been working on my mind. Now the pain had was increasing. The air was colder, so was the floor. It was so cold that I moved around very little. I still needed to test my strength, still needed to get what exercise I could - I knew that. But it was much harder.
The water still seemed fine, but it was colder as well.
So there I was, curled up, wondering what they would throw at me this time, when I heard his voice. "Sydney!"
All I could think was 'How did they find out? How did they get Adrian's voice into here? Have I given something away?"
Then I felt his touch. That startled me enough that I raised my head, though just a little at first.
As I slowly raised my eyes, I heard his voice again, "Sydney?"
His tone was different this time. The first time he said my name, he was alarmed. This time, it was hard to tell - he was uncertain, afraid, emphathetic. I still wasn't sure if I was imagining things, it the Alchemists had somehow put him in my head to test me, but I didn't resist as he pulled me to my feet and pulled me into a brief hug. Too brief.
I hadn't tried to lift my arms to return the hug before he leaned away from me. I caught his eyes for just a second - if this was Alchemist doing, they had gotten them just right - before I saw them looking down at me in surprise.
"Are you really like this?" I heard him ask incredulously.
I looked down do see what he was looking at, and noticed I was still naked - though it only lasted for a second. I was soon dressed in jeans and, of all things my A.Y.E. shirt.
It was then that I realized that I wasn't cold, that I felt no pain. My mind cleared a little as I realized that I was in a spirit dream.
"Sydney, do they really have you..." he began.
For some reason, I didn't want to hear him say the word, so I interrupted him. "Naked. Yes."
His face was changing, he was getting angry. I didn't want whatever time we had together to be spent with him angry, so I quickly said, "They're trying to humilite me."
"I'm going to kill..."
"Adrian!" I interrupted again. "Not now."
His face changed quickly, and he kissed me again, longer this time. I knew it wouldn't do to waste the time we had together, but didn't think this was wasting time. I let him decide when to end the kiss, and was disappointed when he did.
He continued to hold me tightly, though, as he expressed his frustration. "No one could reach you, Sydney. Not me, not Sonya, not even Jackie. Every time we tried, we just found darkness."
"You found me," I said. I knew they would be trying, but felt some comfort in having it confirmed. "I was in the dark, and I was drugged. Doesn't that interfere with dream..."
I cut myself off as I realized what he had done. He had givin up the medicine to be able to get spirit back and reach me. He had given up the medicine that I had talked him into taking.
I wasn't sure how I felt about that. As much as I wanted this, it was dangerous for him. I didn't have time to think about it - he was talking again.
"So they took you off the drugs? Why would they do that?"
"To make me suffer." I was a little surprised that I could speak about this so easily, but I was also relieved that my thinking seemed to be normal. How could it not be? I wasn't cold, I didn't hurt, and I was with Adrian.
"I'm going to kill..."
He spoke louder this time, and I quickly interrupted again, "Adrian!"
He was scowling when he turned back to me, and I quickly added "Not unless you find me."
His face relaxed a little. "Where are you?"
The question that I knew would come. Well, I knew it once I was convinced that I really was with Adrian.
Really, this was a hard question for me to answer. Not because I didn't know the answer, which I didn't, but because I didn't want Adrian in danger. I didn't want him taking any risks for me, and I knew that once he found me, he would take any risk had to, to get to me. I had resolved to let them "reeducate" me to protect Adrian and the others with me in Palm Springs.
Well, maybe 'let' them reeducate me was an exaggeration. Once the Alchemists had come for me, I had decided to make sure everyone else was safe. I had tricked Eddie into leaving me alone, something he would never have done if he knew what I was doing.
Of course, if Adrian found me, he would come for me, and he would do anything he had to do to get to me. Just like Adrian, really, Jill would probably do the same - maybe even Angeline. Possibly Neil - I did save him from freezing to death once.
They would come for me, maybe bring others. Sometimes I got the feeling that Rose would do anything to protect me. It was her nature, and I had helped her as well - though really it had only been because of Abe, because Abe made me...
"Sydney!" Adrian broke me out of my thoughts again. When I looked into his eyes, I could tell he was worried. All he wanted to do was find me.
"I don't..." I began, about to tell him that I didn't know. It was then that I felt the cold again. Suddenly, I was freezing.
"Sydney!" Adrian was alarmed again. He knew that I was being pulled out of the dream, that I was being woken up.
"I don't know," I repeated as fast as I could. "Ask Abe to find me."
By the time I had finished I was in the dark again. The air was cold again. So was the floor - cold, hard and concrete.
I had no idea if Adrian had heard all of my message. As much as I wanted to be found, I wanted these people that I love to be safe. And as odd as it seemed to me now, if they were with Abe Mazur, they might be. I had done some things for Abe, and he had done a thing or two for me. If we did the math, he would think that I owed him a favor just now. But I hoped that I had done enough for him in the past that he would do this do this for me, if only to make me owe him another favor.
I was pretty sure Adrian wouldn't like it, but I thought he would understand my meaning. If anyone could find me, Abe could. If he did, he was conniving enough to get us all through this in one piece.
I was startled by a bright light again and gasped, covering my eyes with my hand. I had flinched again, which was a little disappointing. Then came the maddening, monotone voice, "Good morning, Sydney. Did you sleep well?"
"No." I managed to say, though my mind was elsewhere. Would Adrian talk to Abe? Would they find me? Now that the drugs were gone, did I dare try to use magic?
I couldn't spend any time thinking about it. Another glorious day (or hour, or week, or whatever the time period was that they kept me awake) of reeducation had begun.
"So sorry to hear it, Sydney. You know you'll sleep better if you just confess..."