Hello! Welcome to a rather different Twilight fanfiction. At least that's what I hope I've created. If not, please feel free to drown me in disappointed reviews.

Just to clarify: this is a Twilight parody. It aims to make fun of Twilight in a (hopefully) humorous and (probably actually not) satirical way. So if you get offended by people making fun of Twilight, you don't have to read it.

If you don't know what a Mary Sue is, I suggest you google it before you start reading.

Disclaimer: If Stephenie Meyer has even heard of a Mary Sue, I will be surprised. In other words, I am not Stephenie Meyer (I know, you're surprised, aren't you?) and I don't own Twilight.

One last thing: Renesmee's age is given in the format [actual age]/[apparent age], for example 3/12.

One more last thing: yes, this was published in 2009, yes, I haven't updated since 2011, and yes, I have edited it quite considerably since then. Hopefully for the better.

OK, that's all! I hope you enjoy it!

Renesmee

I opened my chocolate-brown eyes and gazed at the white painted ceiling. It was still very early. As my super-sensitive hearing told me, all was quiet in the cottage, but I could hear a lark singing in the oak tree just outside the thick walls of the cottage. I wondered where Momma and Daddy were; I supposed they might have gone to the big house.

I got out of my warm bed and padded on bare feet towards the tiny living room, which was bathed in the pink dusky light from the sunrise. I stood by the window for a moment, savouring the warmth and as always wondering at the soft sparkle of my lovely white skin.

There was a note on the table; I had no problem reading it from the other side of the room. Having super-strength vampire sight could be very useful sometimes.

Dear Nessie,

We have gone hunting. We'll be back soon. We love you, darling.

Lots of love, Momma and Daddy xxx

I smiled. Darling! Momma and Daddy insisted on babying me, even though I was about 14 on the outside. I mean, having attained the highest grade possible at senior-grade exams when I had taken them three years ago (at the age of 1/10), I really could look after myself. Jacob was the same. They all seemed to treat me like I was my proper age - four years old last August. I didn't like being patronised, but I understood the reason for their concern. They loved me, that was their reason. (And who could blame them for loving me?)

Suddenly I heard the soft sound of a passage through the trees. Whoever it was, they were still about a mile away, but, again with my super-senses, I could vaguely smell a sort of woody, musky odour. Jacob?

My heart lifted. My special soulmate! We could enjoy a few minutes of peace together before my parents arrived. Daddy always seemed to be around whenever Jacob came over. If I was less super-intelligent, I wouldn't have been able to figure it out, but as it was, I had deduced at the age of two and a half days that Daddy didn't want Jakey to take away his daughter. So he always watched us, or at least listened to our thoughts.

"Nessie? Are you awake, sugarplum?"

Jacob's voice filtered through the partly-open window, disturbing my reverie.

"Jakey! You came!" I squealed, running out of the door and jumping into his arms. As always, he looked at me like a blind man seeing the sun. Maybe because of my uncommon beauty, or my generosity, or simply my absolute perfection...

But I digress. I had a more pressing matter to discuss with my sweetheart.

"Jakey?" I looked into his adoring brown eyes, with just the right amount of flirtation - fluttering my long, dark, soft eyelashes, pouting slightly.

"Yes, darling?"

That word again!

"Well, I was thinking...I don't really think Nessie is a good enough name for me. Do you? It's too...vulgar, and short, for someone as amazing as me, don't you think?"

"Um, well, what were you thinking of instead?"

"Something along the lines of Mary Sue? Because I don't know why, but I just really like that name. It speaks to me," I replied thoughtfully.

Jacob frowned. "Mary Sue? Um, well, yeah, that's cool. I'm always happy with whatever you choose."

"You like it?! Yay!" I squealed again, throwing my arms around his neck.

"Hey, Ren- um, Mary Sue, d'you want to hunt?" he asked with a teasing light in his eye. "But I get a head start, okay?!"

We arrived back from the hunt a couple of hours later, not a speck of blood on either of us. At first my hunting had been slightly messy, but as I got older and more sophisticated, I would arrive home still looking as perfect as I had left it. I still preferred human blood, but Carlisle couldn't always get some, and anyway, hunting with my darling werewolf was too much of an offer to pass up.

I was going shopping with Auntie Alice and Auntie Rosalie later today, because my clothes were almost down to three wardrobes-full. I mean, seriously. How was I supposed to match my clothes right if I only had that many? (Did nobody understand that I had to look perfect?) My aunts doted on me, and loved to buy me new clothes. Auntie Alice always said that when Momma was human, she hated it when they played 'Guinea-Pig Barbie' on her. But I loved being the centre of attention. It always felt so right - I mean, someone as perfect as me should always be in the spotlight. Wouldn't you agree?

After all, I am the most perfect, special, beautiful, kind, exquisite, smart, perfect, lovable, wonderful, amazing, lovely, perfect, fantastic, brilliant, graceful, funny, charming, gorgeous, perfect and incredible person ever to have been born. So it's best, really.

To be continued...

Reviews, especially flames, are welcome. I love to know what you think!