Pattern Matching

When she was little girl and her mum first explained about the random pattern on the inside of her wrist that looked like a birthmark only more pronounced and soulmates, Rose had been thrilled. She had allowed herself to be carried away with fairytale like dreams of falling in love with her very own Prince Charming and living happily ever after.

As she got older, she began to realize just how difficult it would actually be to find her soulmate – the one person in the world who had the very same pattern marked somewhere on their body, she knew the system worked, everyone did, but it still seemed so completely impossible to her. So, in her teenage impatience, she had allowed herself to get drawn in by Jimmy and after that mistake she had sort of, kind of, half settled for Mickey. Jimmy had been a disaster and Mickey was safe; if for no other reason than because Rose knew it wasn't real and would never last. Mickey knew it too even if he only ever admitted it grudgingly.

Even with her terrible luck and her even worse choices in romance Rose hadn't given up on finding her soulmate. She still had hope that she would bump into them as she was crossing the road or something equally silly and cliché like that and in doing so it would somehow make everything else unimportant.

It wasn't until she met the Doctor that she began to see the drawbacks in soulmarks and having a fated soulmate.

Rose felt awful for her soulmate, she did, but she knew in her heart that she could never truly love someone who wasn't the Doctor. She hated the idea that she was breaking the heart of someone she had yet to meet, someone who was destined to love her; she simply couldn't imagine feeling for anyone what she was already feeling for the Time Lord who now, for some reason unknown to her, seemed to be determined to break her heart and, really, he was doing a brilliant job of it.

Rose was curled up in her favourite chair on the TARDIS. It was oversized and extra plush with the softest fabric she had ever felt. She had been incredibly grateful to come home today and find that the TARDIS had moved the chair from the library to the privacy of her bedroom. She had her favourite throw wrapped around her as she relaxed watching the fireplace burn merrily, and she was surprisingly content considering what an emotional roller-coaster the day had turned into.

Unconsciously, she rubbed her thumb over the soulmark on the inside of her wrist as had been her lifelong habit. She wished she could get it removed but she had never found anyone who was capable of doing so. She had tried, not on earth of course, it was illegal to remove or permanently cover or even alter a soulmark on her home planet, but elsewhere in the universe, she had tried.

It didn't really bother her anymore, in actual fact she rarely even thought about it, but she suspected it bothered the Doctor. She had asked him once if Time Lords had soulmates but he had deflected and babbled on about something or other and then they were off on another adventure and her question was forgotten and she hadn't had a chance to bring it up again.

She told him she was in love with him and would never leave him and Bad Wolf had made that a promise that Rose could actually keep. The Doctor had been apologetic and guilty when they had realized that Bad Wolf had changed her but Rose had told him, and was still telling him, that it was her choice and she wasn't sorry, would never be sorry.

He had finally admitted that he was in love with her too but he told her that he hadn't had a relationship in a very long time and asked that they take it slow. Rose had been fine with that, "I have all the time in the universe now, Doctor." He had smiled and laughed softly but some guilt crept into his eyes until Rose thoroughly snogged it away, leaving him breathless.

There where still times though when the Doctor's eyes would fall to her mark and well, she wasn't certain how exactly to read the expressions that would cross his face in those moments. Sometimes when they were laying in bed he would brush his thumb across her mark, making her shiver, then he would wrap his arms around her and hug her tightly and she would whisper, "I don't care about the mark. I love you," with her head resting on his chest. She just wished she could be free of her soulmark so that the Doctor would have one less concern in their budding relationship.

Today had been Mickey's first trip as an official companion and whilst she still wasn't happy that he was here, she was dealing. So far she had kept her temper despite all his snide comments to her and about her and she had even managed to resist rolling her eyes at his continued obsession of proving himself a better man than the Doctor. She could not seem to make him understand that it wasn't a contest and she wasn't a trophy. Rose was proud of herself, she thought it showed a marked maturity, the way she was refusing to rise to his bait. She just hoped she could keep it up and not give in to her baser instinct to throttle him.

Her thoughts turned towards the Doctor, as they always tended to do anymore, she hadn't seen him since he returned from France and she and Mickey had left him in the console room with Reinette's letter. She was feeling more than a little bruised, and her heart ached, at the way things had happened today but she felt selfish for wanting to demand answers from him when he was clearly hurting.

She was hurting too and this time it was because of him, this time it was his fault, and Rose thought about going to him, to see if he might be willing to talk, even as she knew that would only prove to be a fool's errand, but she wasn't in the mood to try and track him down and she wasn't sure she could handle being rejected right now either.

He owed her an explanation for the way he had treated her today. Actually, he owed her an explanation for the way he had been behaving since Sarah Jane but he was staying stubbornly and selfishly silent and she was trying to keep her temper with him since she knew getting angry and shouting would only push him further away. As upset and hurt as she was, more distance between them was the last thing she wanted.

She glanced at her bed and forced back her tears. Tonight would be one more night since Sarah Jane that Rose would be sleeping alone. She missed sleeping wrapped in the Doctor's arms, the sound of his hearts providing a soothing rhythm, but she was determined that she would not allow him back in her bed until he talked to her – really talked to her about everything that was going on with him.

So, no, she would not be going to him. She decided the safest course of action would be to stay in her room, curled up in her comfy chair, where she could lick her wounds in peace. Tomorrow, she would be herself again and see if there was some way she could get the Doctor to open up to her, preferably without fighting and shouting and definitely without Mickey, but for tonight, she would allow herself all the time she needed to wallow and get her thoughts in some kind of order.

There was a knock at her door. Apparently the universe, or more likely the TARDIS, had other plans in store for Rose tonight.

Grudgingly she left her chair and moved across the room to answer the door. She had a knot in her stomach by the time she reached the door. She took a deep, fortifying breath as she really didn't want to deal with Mickey and anymore of his childish nonsense tonight or ever again, if she's being honest. She just did not have the energy. So she was genuinely shocked when she opened the door only to find a very sheepish looking Time Lord standing in the hall.

He was in his pajamas and dressing gown, wearing his specs, and holding a book. He looked up at her and smiled nervously when the door opened, "May I?" He asked, gesturing inside.

Rose smiled awkwardly and stepped aside, "Of course." She closed the door behind him and the two of them stood, staring at each other, as though they were strangers who didn't know how to make small talk.

"Did I disturb you?"

"No, I was just thinking, I guess."

"Oh?"

"Just about everything that's been going on since Queen Victoria and the werewolf."

"Anything specific?"

"I just, I feel like so much has changed between us, in such a short amount of time and I don't know what to do with any of it. I mean, we admitted we're in love, we're sleeping in the same bed, and I thought we were happy and moving forward at a pace we were both comfortable with and then, suddenly, everything sort of feels like it fell apart and I feel like I'm the only one who wants to fix it."

He nodded, stiffly, and looked away, clutching the book tighter. For a moment Rose was afraid she had said too much and that he was going to leave but then he looked back at her, "May I sit?"

"Yeah, of course you can."

He sat down at the foot of her bed and took off his specs, fiddled with them for a moment before placing them next to the book that he set down behind him. "I think...No, I know, I owe you an apology and an explanation." He looked so tired and so sad suddenly that Rose couldn't stop herself from sitting next to him and taking his hand.

He looked down at their hands, fingers entwined, and gently squeezed, "I think you already know but I got scared and I panicked and I let my fear get the better of me. I'm a coward. I always have been but that's no excuse." He looked up at her, "I am so very sorry for how I've been treating you. I'm just so sorry." Rose was watching him as he continued, "Seeing Sarah Jane was like a shock of ice water. I never told you about her because I honestly never expected to see her again, Rose."

He was quiet for a moment before continuing, "It's what I've always done, Rose. Whether I leave them or they leave me, one way or another, the people I travel with, we part ways and I never look back. It's easier for me that way and I've never stopped to consider whether it easier for my companions or not. Maybe that was selfish. Maybe it was a mistake. I honestly don't know. But the important thing is that I need you to believe me when I tell you I love you and that I will never do that to you. I will always try to find a way back to you. Always."

"I hope that's true, I want to believe that it is but, Doctor, I still don't understand what changed between us."

"I saw Sarah Jane and I started remembering how things used to be and I started comparing that with how things are now." Rose's face fell and she made a move to pull away but he tightened his grip on her hand.

"It wasn't better then. That's not what I'm saying. In my darker moments, I am so grateful for what you did with the TARDIS and Bad Wolf. I am a selfish old man but I'm breathing a little easier these days knowing I won't ever have to say goodbye to you. You, like me, will never wither and die." He stopped to take a breath and gather his thoughts, "I hate that that makes me so incredibly happy."

"You're not selfish. How many times do I have to say it? Bad Wolf was my choice. Saving you was my choice. Everything I did was my choice. I did it because I wanted you to be safe. I did it because I love you and I want to be with you and I don't want you to be alone ever again."

He couldn't stop the small smile that her words brought, whenever Rose told him she loved him, it always caused a warmth to spread through him. "I love you, too, so very much. Even if it hasn't felt like it lately." He pushed up the sleeve of her cardigan and turned her arm so they could both clearly see her soulmark as he gently ran his fingertip across it.

"I don't care about the mark, Doctor. It doesn't matter to me anymore. You know that."

He nodded, "I know. You've told me. I remember when you asked the tattooist on Polvis 5 if it could be removed."

"Then what frightened you so badly that you dismissed me and treated me like a stranger in France. Not even like a stranger. Like someone you had no respect or use for at all."

"After Sarah Jane, and my stubbornness in bringing Mickey on, and yes, I know you didn't want him here, I thought maybe a bit of distance between us might be a good thing."

"A good thing? How?"

"Please, just let me finish?"

She took a deep breath, trying to tamp down her temper, "Okay."

"You know how much I love you. I've told you that I've loved you for far longer than I was willing to admit to myself." Rose nodded. "The moment I took your hand in that basement and said, 'Run,' I felt connected to you. Connected in a way I never have with anyone else before. France was, France was my last ditch effort to run. From this, from us. It was my last chance to free you."

He looked up at her, "I'm so sorry, Rose. Please, please don't cry," he said whilst brushing her tears away. "After I jumped through the mirror and realized I didn't have an immediate way back, that it would be centuries for me before I would be able to see you again, I realized just how stupid and cruel I've been. I hurt you. The one person in the universe that I never want to hurt and I'm just so sorry."

She looked at him then, "Do you love me? Really?"

"More than I've ever loved anything."

She nodded, "I love you too, despite everything you've done, I still love you. So much."

"Good. That's good because I have one more confession and I swear, the only reason I never told you was because, for your sake, I didn't want it to be true."

"What are you talking about?"

He stood up, pulled up his shirt and lowered his pajama bottoms just enough so that Rose could clearly see an identical soulmark on his hip.

Her hands were shaking as she slowly reached out and gently brushed her fingertips over his mark. The room was silent for a moment, save for the sound of their breathing, and when she finally spoke, her voice was thick with tears, "You're my soulmate."

"Yes," the Doctor's voice was thick too with tears and guilt and hope. "Is that all right?"

"Yes, you daft man. It's what I'd hoped for, what I'd dreamt of, since I first met you. I just, I thought maybe Time Lords didn't have soulmates. Even when I asked you, you wouldn't talk about it. You refused to talk about. Why? Why did you keep this a secret?"

He straightened his clothes and sat back down next to her, "Like I said, for your sake, I didn't want it to be true, that if I didn't say anything, I could save you. It's stupid. I thought if I didn't admit to it, I could make it not true. I thought the universe must have made a terrible mistake tying you to me. That there must be someone more worthy of you out there. But I wasn't strong enough to run away from you either. Even the night we met, I knew I needed you with me and I knew I was selfish enough to do anything to make that happen. And that was before I had ever seen your mark."

He fell silent and Rose studied his profile as she thought about everything she wanted to say. "What happens now? To us? With us?" She sighed in frustration, "I'm not even sure what I'm asking anymore."

The Doctor laced their fingers together and brought their joined hands up to his lips as he placed a kiss on her hand, "Now? Now, I beg you to forgive me. I beg you for another chance. Everyday, if that's what you need from me. I'm done running, Rose. I swear to you that I will never run from you or us again."

She looked in his eyes, needing to see sincerity, "Are you? Really? Because when we both admitted that we're in love, when we found out that Bad Wolf had tied my life to yours, when we started sleeping together, I thought that was the beginning of something but then Sarah Jane and France happened and suddenly, I didn't know anything."

He started to say something in response but Rose stopped him, "No, let me finish now. Yes, I forgive you and yes, I want my future to be with you and honestly, I don't think I know how to not be in love with you but Doctor, if we meet someone else from you past or some historical crush of yours tomorrow, that doesn't give you a pass to run from me, from us, or to shut me out, just because you get spooked. And no matter what happens, I will never again let you speak to me or treat me the way you did on that spaceship and in France. That will never happen again and I don't care what else is going on."

"I promise. Rose, we're soulmates, and yes, I've known for far longer than you have, and I know I wouldn't accept it before but I'm accepting it now and I want everything with you. All I can do is ask you to give me a chance to prove it."

She smiled then, still a little dim but much brighter than before, "Yeah, okay. I can definitely do that."

He couldn't stop his own answering smile at her response, "Yeah?"

"Yeah," she said with a small laugh this time.

The Doctor gently ran his knuckles across her cheek, "I love you so much, Rose. I can't promise you that I'll be any good at this, at least not right away, but I can promise you that I will love you no matter what happens in our future."

"For the rest of our very long lives?"

"Forever."

She nodded decisively, "Forever."