In a swamp somewhere on a distant planet during the very first eon of the universe's existence there stood a fortress. It was made from the metal bones of its owner's fallen enemies, it stood five hundred feet high and it was wrapped in unwrappable darkness. It was guarded by seventeen-hundred armed guards accompanied by vicious Hellhounds.
However, this fortress has nothing to do with our story. In fact the author is not sure why he told you about it in the first place. He guesses he thought it would be a cool way to open the story.
No, this story begins in a tiny wooden treehouse next door to the fortress. Inside the treehouse a group of the Doctor's greatest enemies had gathered after receiving messages from a mysterious individual. Gathered around the small plastic table inside, were three evil masterminds.
Davros; creator of the Daleks, omnicidal maniac and no concept of an indoor voice.
Rassilon; scheming instigator, Lord High President of the Time Lords (which is a bit of a redundant title when you stop to think about it) and played by that bloke from James Bond and Hot Fuzz.
And finally there was Madame Kovarian; top-ranking operative of the Silence (or is it Silents?), evil kidnapper and (let's be honest here) a bit of a MILF.
"Why are we even here?" Rassilon asked the other two as he pretended to sip tea from one of the plastic cups on the table.
"I! HAVE! NO!IDEA!" Davros shouted in his usual hammy, over-the-top manner.
"Jesus Christ!" Madame Kovarian said as she covered her ears after Davros' input.
"I severely doubt he has something to do with this." Rassilon said. "Last I heard he was pals with the Doctor."
Kovarian rolled her eyes. "But you did get a message, right?" She removed the blood red envelope from her pocket.
"Yep." Rassilon said as he showed his envelope.
"SO!DID!I!" Davros "said".
Suddenly there was a flash of light in the treehouse. At the end of the room there was a swivel chair facing away from them. Its occupant was difficult to see as that end of the room was suddenly plunged into darkness for no apparent reason other than giving the villain a sense of mystery. Standing next to the chair was the unmistakable silhouette of an Ood. Its eyes glowed blue.
"Oh, c'mon!" Kovarian yelled. "Seriously? The swivel chair? The inexplicable darkness? The right-hand monster? I think my cliché detector just exploded."
"You have a cliché detector?" Rassilon asked.
"OF COURSE I BLOODY DON'T!"
"HEY!I'M!SUPPOSED!TO!BE!THE!ONE!WHO!YELLS!" Davros protested.
"Silence." The clichéd villain said (in a clichéd deep evil voice) . The others suddenly fell silent somehow.
"You are all here," he continued, "because you have all been wronged by a certain individual."
"Scooby-Doo?" Rassilon said. "Tell me about it. That dog and those meddling kid friends of his foiled my counterfeiting operation!"
"They uncovered my diamond smuggling plan." Kovarian said.
"THEY!STOLE!MY!SIGNED!POSTER!OF!PETER!DAVISON!" said….oh, you know who said that right?
"What?" The clichéd villain said in surprise. "Of course it isn't Scooby-Doo!"
"Oh." Said Rassilon. "Is it Harry Potter then?"
"No!"
"Oh, then it must be that Skywalker son of a bitch."
"No!"
"Master Chief?"
"No!"
"Twilight Sparkle?"
"No!"
Kovarian face-palmed as the ensuring conversation went on for twenty minutes.
"Then it must be the Batman!"
"No! Why don't I just tell you who it is? Jesus, I try to be enigmatic and look where it gets me! It's the Doctor!"
"Doctor who?" Rassilon said with a snicker.
"No, we're not doing that gag." Kovarian said with a sigh.
"I propose we form an alliance to take down the Doctor." The clichéd villain said as his Ood servant passed him a strawberry milkshake.
"Oh wait." Kovarian said, her voice dripping with sarcasm, "I think my cliché detector may still have some life in it."
"But I thought you didn't…." Rassilon piped up.
"Shut. Up. Now."
"I suggest we terminate him soon." The cliché villain said. "For if we do not the universe will be destroyed."
"How?" Asked Rassilon.
"Even though I know exactly how, I'm not going to tell any of you just so I can keep everyone in suspense."
"Oh, all right then." Rassilon said, perfectly contend with the answer.
Kovarian thought about protesting but ultimately decided doing so would be useless.
"We shall need a name for our alliance." The cliché villain said. "I recommend: League And Business of Impossible Antagonists."
"You do realise that the acronym of that is L.A.B.I.A.?" Kovarian said.
"Yeah. So?"
"Don't you think that's a bit of an unfortunate name?"
"Why ever would I think that?"
"Because…..oh never mind." Kovarian gave up her argument and slumped back into her plastic seat.
"Can we call it the League And Business of Impossible Antagonists Of Rassilon?" Rassilon asked.
"Why do you always want to add your name onto everything?" The cliché villain said with frustration. "It's the League And Business of Impossible Antagonists and that's final!"
"I think Rassilon has the right idea." Kovarian said. "At least then we'd have a name that the Doctor wouldn't have fits of laughter over.
"It's the League And Business of Impossible Antagonists and that's final!" The cliché villain repeated himself. "I really like that name! It took me all weekend to think up of it!"
"Moron." Kovarian whispered under her breath.
"What was that?"
"Um, er I said…Mormon! Are you a Mormon?"
"No. I'm a scientologist. Anyway it's time for Part One of our seventy-four part plan!"
"Ah, crap." Kovarian whispered under her breath again.
"Okay, here's what we do. First, we kidnap the princess of France, then we build a giant death ray out of cereal boxes, then we find and secure the Holy Grail to use as a power source for the death ray, then we train every rat in the universe into an all-powerful universe conquering force, then we drain all of the water in the universe using a giant vacuum cleaner, then we use the water to feed our army, then we use the death ray to destroy Guam, then we blow up an orphanage for the lulz, then we turn every star in the universe into a disco ball, I'm not sure how we're going to do that yet but give me time, then we brainwash every parent in the universe into becoming a child molester, then we…"
"There's no princess of France." Kovarian said in a bored voice. "They're a republic."
"Oh." The cliché villain said. "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU"
"You know what we could do?" Kovarian interrupted the cliché villain before he could unleash his true rage, "We could just kidnap a bunch of the Doctor's former companions. That would probably get his attention."
"Oh, fine we'll just do that then." The cliché villain relented. "I hadn't even got to the goat prostitution racket bit yet…."
"SO!WHAT!DO!WE!CALL!YOU!" Davros said as he hadn't said anything for 648 words and the author was beginning to worry that the reader had forgotten about him.
The cliché villain paused for a brief moment before speaking: "The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude."
"There is no way I'm calling you that." Kovarian deadpanned. "I'll just call you dickhe- The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude." She slapped a hand over her mouth after she realised what she had just said.
"I kidnapped Professor Snape and had him put a charm on my name. Everyone is forced to refer to me as The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude."
"Where's the professor now?" Rassilon asked.
"I dunno. In my basement I think."
Meanwhile in The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude's basement…
"Hello? Is there anyone there?"
"Why hello there! I haven't seen a woman in decades….oh, wait you're not a woman. Oh well - you'll do. Now come here!"
"OH GOD OH JESUS SOMEONE HELP ME!"
Meanwhile back in L.A.B.I.A.'s clubhouse….
"Now let the plan commence!" The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude proclaimed as he passed his now empty milkshake bottle to his blue-eyed Ood servant.
"THE!DOCTOR!WILL!FALL!" Davros shouted while eating a large plate of ham.
"Victory will be ours!" Rassilon yelled.
"I can't believe I'm working with these idiots." Kovarian mumbled as her face became well acquainted with her palm.
NEXT TIME ON THE NOT-SO-EXCITING INSTALLMENT OF "DOCTOR WHO AND THE SLIGHTLY RUBBISH FANFICTION"….
A lonely time traveller known only as the Dentist! Wait…..that's not right.
An offensively stereotypical cockney girl!
An accountant with the amazing ability to break the fourth wall!
The world's greatest and most famous detective!
Some random bloke eating a cheese sandwich!
ALL THIS AND MORE ON THE NEXT NOT-SO-EXCITING INSTALLMENT OF "DOCTOR WHO AND THE SLIGHTLY RUBBISH FANFICTION!"