Kyon! Do Everything!

by Anime Borat

Originally a oneshot. Now a series of insane events. I know the grammar sucks in the first chapter but I've made improvements on the others. Inspired by the original The Abridging of Haruhi Suzumiya, Haruhi-chan, JAEO's The Crack Brigade, ssu's Haruhirolled, Mirage of Haruhi Suzumiya, and the Ramirez! Do Everything meme. Read one segment of a chapter a day to keep up.

1. Kyon! Do Everything!

Kyon, Do Everything

The Haruhi Suzumiya series is owned by Nagaru Tanigawa and Kyoto Animation. No copyright violation intended. Half-baked cracked that went beyond the joke to say the least. Based on the meme created from Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2.

An Anime Borat budget production. Please watch and support the Abridging of Haruhi Suzumiya series by FullmetalChao.

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Haruhi says, "Kyon, do incredibly illogical like looking for ghost." And Simon 'Ghost' Riley pops out from nowhere.

Sgt. Foley says, "Kyon! Take your team and secure the Burger Town!"

George Bush says, "Kyon, we must stay the course."

Itsuki says, "Kyon, get me my pot. I'm in my Sailor Pothead moment."

Borat says,"Kyon, use my sister! She is No. 4 prostitute of Kazhakstan."

Kyon replies, "Fuck off, weirdo!"

An environmentalist says, "Kyon, save the rain forest."

Mel Gibson says, "Kyon! You can take my life, but you can never take my FREEDOM!"

Jason Bournes says, "Kyon, who am I?"

The Terminator says, "Kyon, come with me if you want to live."

Gandalf the Gay, uh, I mean, the Grey says, "Kyon! You shall not pass!"

Legolas says, "Kyon, they're taking the hobbits to Isengard!"

Nappa says, "Kyon, what does the scouter say of Haruhi's power level?"

Kyon replies, "It's over 9000!"

Dirty Harry says, "Kyon, you've got to ask yourself a question. Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?"

Arnold Schwarzenegger says, "Kyon! Put that cookie down!"

Sgt. Reznov says, "Comrade Kyon! Fire the Panzerscrek!"

Leonardo DiCaprio says, "Kyon! I'm king of the world!" Kyon then pushes him off the bow of the ship.

Rambo says, "Kyon, I'm your worst nightmare."

An angry Russian says, "Kyon, Yob tvoyu Maht(Fuck your mother)!" He flips the bird at his face.

Naked Snake says, "Kyon! Destroy the Shagohod with your canned tuna!"

Fanboy says, "Kyon! I love you!"

Yaoi fangirl says, "Kyon, can you do a video of you and Itsuki together?"

Kyon replies, "Ewww! Gross!"

Tomás de Torquemada says, "Kyon! Burn those heretical witches from Umineko at the stake!"

Otacon says, "Kyon? Kyon! KYOOOOONNNN!"

Darth Vader says, "Kyon, I am your father."

He replies, "NOOOOO!"

Louise says, "Kyon, pills here!"

Mr. Burns says, "Kyon, where is my aspirin!"

Captain Price says,"Kyon! Check your corners!"

Ash Ketcham says, "Kyon, go catch 'em all!"

Protoss Zealot says, "Kyon, you must construct additional pylons."

Kyle Broflovski says, "Kyon, you bastard!"

The Undertaker says, "Kyon...You will, Rest...In...Peace..."

US Army Ranger says, "Kyon, hustle up! Get to Whiskey Hotel! Move!"

Roy Campbell says, "Kyon! You created a time paradox by killing Haruhi in Bamboo Leaf Rhapsody."

Eli Vance says, "Kyon! We don't go to Ravenholm!"

Illidan Stormrage says, "Kyon! You are not prepared!"

Red Army Commissar says, "Kyon! Not one step backward!"

Captain Vidal says, "Kyon, tell my son when I die..."

Schwarzenneger again says, "Kyon! Get to da choppa!"

Reznov again says, "Kyon, boil them in their steel coffins!"

Black Mesa scientist says, "They're waiting for you, Kyon, in the Test Chamber."

Gman says, "Rise...and shine, Mr. Kyon. Rise and smell the ashes."

Admiral Ackbar says, "Kyon, it's a trap!"

Kyon goes home and goes to bed tired. He is hoping tomorrow would be a normal day.

Next day….

"Kyon, take me to Disneyworld."

"Kyon, investigate 9.11"

"Kyon, mow my lawn."

"Kyon, make me a sandwich."

"Kyon, do a barrel roll."

"Kyon, cook me instant noodles."

"Kyon, find Waldo."

"Kyon! Reload my gun for me!"

"Kyon, defuse this nuke with your pencil."

"Kyon, find a cure for AIDS."

"Kyon, go have sex with Haruhi or she destroys the world."

"Kyon, find the second shooter at the grassy knoll."

"Kyon, would you be my boyfriend?"

"Kyon let me copy your homework."

"Kyon, retrieve the Cube from Megatron!"

"Kyon, help me win in The Day of Sagittarius III."

"Kyon, destroy Superman."

"Kyon, go kill the computer club president with this pancake."

"Kyon, eat me."

"Kyon, stop the Red Ribbon Army with this toothpick."

"KYON, THIS IS SPARTA!"

"Kyon, help fix the US economy."

"Kyon, scratch my butt."

"Kyon, tazer that emo."

"Kyon, jump off the top of the Petronas Towers-without a parachute."

"Kyon, launch a nuke on Pandora and kill those smurf monkeys."

"Kyon, make me a curry."

"Kyon, make holes in my smoked cheese."

"Kyon, can't touch this."

"Kyon, Gestapo torture Satoko with your tactical knife."

"Kyon, do the dishes."

"Kyon, cos rape Mikuru."

"Kyon, cure the Higurashi cast of the Hinamizawa syndrome-with your crowbar."

"Kyon, tackle attack!"

"Kyon, drink some milk."

"Kyon, go to bed early."

"Kyon, climb Mt. Everest."

"Kyon, where do babies come from?"

"Kyon, Kyon, Kyon, Kyon, Kyon, Kyon, Kyon! Kyon! Kyon!"

"Kyon, would you kindly lose your mind?" Said a soft and sweet female voice. He eyes popped open lifeless with a wicked smile on his face.

The day after that…

The club room of the SOS Brigade was silent and empty except for Achakura who was seating pretty on the top most bookshelf, eagerly awaiting Kyon's arrival, while Churuya was making a fondue with smoked cheese. The day was dark and overcast. Everything is silent too since it was three minutes past dismissal time. The door opens and in came Haruhi, Itsuki, Yuki, and Mikuru. Everyone is seated at the table. Everyone waits for Kyon. A half hour has passed and he still hasn't appeared. Haruhi is clearly pouting in frustration, Yuki is reading a philosophy book, Itsuki is being Itsuki, and Mikuru is getting frightened thinking about what happened to Kyon. Finally, Itsuki said, "Hey everyone. Let's get some snacks while we wait for Kyon." They ignored Tsuruya, who was absorbed with her fondue.

"Fine," Haruhi sighed.

"It's great," Mikuru chimed.

"I want a sandwich." Yuki said lifelessly.

"We might have a good chance of finding Kyon at the canteen."

"Alright, off to the canteen. Let's find him and give him a piece of my mind. Thinking he could go AWOL while we're have an important meeting…" She grumbled as she walked out with the brigade. She turned to Achakura, "Achakura, stay here if Kyon gets back."

"I will wait for Kyon-kun." She replied. When they got back they notice the door wide open.

"Thank God, Kyon's here! He's so gonna get his ass kicked!"

As they entered the room they noticed the black board is scrawled with a repetitive message:

ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES KYON A DULL BOY

ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES KYON A DULL BOY

ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES KYON A DULL BOY
ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES KYON A DULL BOY
ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES KYON A DULL BOY

ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES KYON A DULL BOY

And thirty more are written in all over the blackboard. They pushed it away and the wall behind was redecorated with the same scary slogan. Everyone is now scared about what happened to Kyon. Haruhi manages to stammer a question, "Is…Kyon…alright?"

On the bookshelf, a scared Achakura replied, "Kyon-kun acted scary today." Then there was horrofying laughter. They rushed downstairs and were astounded by what they saw. Kyon appeared at the end of the darkened hallway. He is carrying what appeared to be a Lancer Assault Rifle in his hand and heaving a lot of ammo on his webbing gear.

"HEIL HARUHI! I'M OSCAR MIKE" Screamed the cynic as he locked and load. He began goose stepping down the hallway. Haruhi asked shakily, fear growing with every step he took, "Hi Kyon! Doing a cosplay, right,?" But no answer came from the strutting cynic. Everyone ran for back to the clubroom screaming-except Itsuki.

The girls went back to the clubroom and began barricading the door. Haruhi notices someones missing, "Where's Itsuki?"

As she said that the echoing conversation between the two boys took pace.

"Kyon, You must stop this madness at once!" Proclaimed Itsuki.

"I feel pretty, Oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and bright." Kyon sang madly.

"Okay, you asked for it! POT PRISM POWE-!" Kyon replied with several burst of automatic fire. There was a thud; spent casings clattered on the floor and he began singning madly the Russian marching song from Red Alert 3. Haruhi screamed, "OH MY GOD, WE'RE SCREWED!"

"Do not worry, Miss Suzumiya. I will take of care the situation." Yuki said mysteriously.

"YOU WHAT-?" Haruhi shrieked.

"Don't do it, Miss Nagato! Kyon's gone insane!" Mikuru squealed in her high-pitched voice. But Yuki made for the door and got out. She rushed downstairs to Kyon. She walked to him like a cowboy coming to the baddie at high noon. Any students who were around fled to the nearest hiding place they can find.

"Kyon, cease and desist your illogical grudge against Haruhi Suzumiya." She said in her lifeless electronic sounding voice.

"I don't think I can take anymore of her and everybody else's orders! I'm on a killing spree!" Kyon ranted happily.

"Do not make me do this." She warned.

"Ha! You and one army!" Kyon taunted. He might as well eat those words. A song, Undying- Scene 4 plays at the background. Yuki roared as her arms and legs instantly lengthened to insane proportions. Sounds of stretching muscles, of her school uniform tearing to shreds, and what sounded like trees growing instantly filled the air as her body twisted and contorted. She grow into a tall, gaunt and skeletal form with the skin stretching and darkening. Her head expanded into into a elongated cylindrical shape. A a long, spiky and spiny barbed tail emerged from her ass. Her feet and hands popped as they grew into claws and talons. Her figure had dwarfed and shadowed a terrified cynic as he realized of what she had become: the alien from Aliens. He now felt puny as she looked at Yuki in her true form.

Gathering whatever courage he could muster he aimed the rifle, "EAT LEAD, E.T.!" he screamed. But she grabbed the rifle and crushed it with her claws like a soda can. His heart sank hard at the sound of crushing and sprinkling metal. He smiles nervously and attempts to be reasonable."Um, Yuki. Maybe I was a little off so can we just talked about it-"

"EEEYYYYAAAAARGGGGHHHH!" Yuki gutturally screeched at Kyon with a breath that smelled like Rotten Tomatoes mixed with vodka, uneaten burritos and garbage and spraying his face with icky smelly saliva. He screamed like a girl and fell on his butt. The alien was about to slash him when something step in front of her. It was Kuyou Suou in her true form: the Predator.

"Oh boy!" Kunikida shouted with joy, "Alien vs. Predator for real!"

"Whoa! This is gonna be the best school fight we've ever seen!" Sang Taniguchi, dropping his Playboy magazine.

"Let's run a betting pool! This will be megas fun, nyoro!" Tsuruya suggested. The green-haired fanged girl and the two boys assembled a table and every student lined up to place their bets on which alien would win in this deathmatch of the millenia. Kyon crawled out of way with the only thing left of the Lancer, the chainsaw bayonet, as Yuki and Kuyou slashed, stabbed, blasted, and punched. He got behind them and went on his way. Mikuru, who was watching, from the stairs, ran back to the club room in terror. As she ran, she heard a blood-curdling yell, "Mikuru! I'm coming! You can't get away! I'm right behind you!" Kyon is running as he revved up the chainsaw in his hand. The moe time-traveller/slave maid/dress-up doll screamed even more as she rushed back inside the club room.

"Open the clubroom door, Haruhi! Say 'hello' to my little friend!" He hollered as he raised the chainsaw. Meanwhile, one of the members of the Computer Research Society ran back to his club room to tell what he saw. "Hey everyone! Kyon's coming to kill Haruhi!"

"What! Is it true?" Asked the prseident.

"Hell yeah!" Replied the guy."

"Which means...!" Cheered another

"LET'S PARTY!" Everyone shouted in unison. Champagne corks popped and everyone started dancing to the tune of the Jewish folk song Hava Nagila. Just as she returned, Mikuru closed the door frantically and panted heavily. "Kyon's coming!" She shreiked. Achakura squeaked and hid in a box with Mr. Kimidori.

"Quick! Barricade the door!" Haruhi yelled as they put whatever they can find to blocked it. Then came what they had feared. The chainsaw droned even louder as the cynic laughed insanely. He began in demented nonchalance to saw it apart. He was humming the Sailor Moon theme, thinking about how much gore and pleasure he is going to exact from the tsundere goddess and anyone who decides to be a hero. Inside the girls were panicking at their inevitable fate.

"OH MY GOD! WE'RE DOOMED! KYON'S GONNA KILL US!"

Mikuru is shuddering at corner thinking. Haruhi noticed this and shouted frantically, "MIKURU! FIND A WAY TO STOP HIM BEFORE HE KILLS US ALL!" Almost by instinct, she straightened her back and grabbed the ears of her bunny girl costume. She quickly jammed it into the chain. Meanwhile, Kyon, who was enjoying humming the Sailor Moon theme and the chainsaw vibrating through his hands, was horribly interrupted by the screeching noise of the machine. He pulled it out and it rumbled until it exploded in his hand. He screamed like retard. Mikuru was overjoyed, "Yay! We stopped him!"

"Shut up, Mikuru!"

"What, Miss Suzumiya?" She timidly asked.

"I said shut up and help us find a way to escape-!" Then came loud crashing sound from the door. Kyon is chipping it away with an axe. The girls screamed and huddled to together. He furiously chopped the door until he made a hole big enough for to poke his head in. He did and looked around with a menacing smile, "HEEEEEERE'S KYON-KUN!" One of the barricades, the bookshelf, fell on his head. He pulled his head out and cried in pain. The cynic was about to hop around in frustration when the rest of the Anti-SOS Brigade appeared: Sasaki, Fujiwara, Kyouko Tachibana. Sasaki said to Kyon, "Please calm down, my prince."

At those words Kyon cooled. "Oh sorry, Sasaki. I really want to kill that bitch so badly."

"It's okay. You don't have to rush everything. Let Fuji-kun do it, then you can kill Haruhi." She pointed to Fujiwara, holding a breaching charge.

The cynic cheered, "I'll do it for you, my goddess!" Inside Haruhi was fuming when she heard the whole thing. Just as Fujiwara was flattening the explosive like a pizza, Haruhi burst out the door like a raging bull sending it flying and hitting timeboy flat against the wall. She stared at her counterpart with red hot eyes. "KYON'S MINE YOU WHORE!" Achakura popped out from her box and said, "Don't you dare touch my Kyon-kun." But she was never heard by everyone.

"You never treated him with the dignity he deserves! He's not your slave!" Sasaki blurted.

"I can do with whatever I want with him now fuck off!" She pulled the startled and dumbfounded cynic's arm and dragged him.

"OH NO YOU DON'T!" Sasaki shrieked as she grabbed his other arm. Now the two girls are chanting "Let go!" as they have a vicious tug seesaw/tug of war game with the poor boy. Meanwhile, Kyouko went inside to claim her prize: Mikuru. She looks at the girl with hungry eyes, "Hey baby, I'm here for you." She said in a low voice with a creepy smile.

"Back off, you sicko!" Mikuru squeaked as huddled in a corner of the room. She flung the fondue pot at her. Kyouko instantly sidestepped out of the way. Fujiwara, who pushed the door away, was hit on the head with hot molten cheese dumped on his skull. He screamed like hell and wandered blindly into the room.

"Nyoro~n." Churuya dejectedly said. She was oblivious to everything up until now. As for Kyouko, she was close to having her looks scorched by a flying fondue, she exclaimed with relief, "Great Scott! That was close!" She looks at Mikuru and sneered, "You'll have to do better than that."

Mikuru grabbed a teapot with hot steaming tea. She flung it at her with great speed but missed her again. She, however, scored a direct hit on Fujiwara-on the crotch.

"OH MY GOD! GREAT BALLS OF FIRE!" He wailed as his testicles where cooked by the hot green liquid. He fell in pain as he landed with his legs wide open. Mikuru rushed out and landed a kick into it.

"AAARRGH! MY CAJONES!" He screamed once more, covering it with his hands and curling into a ball. Unfortunately, Kyouko pulled her back in. As he parted some of it from his eyes, he saw Churuya jumped on him like a headcrab. His muffled shrieks filled the air as he tried to pry the clinging chibi off his face. Churuya said after licking his forehead clean, "Mmmmm, you taste good!"

"GET OUT OUTTA MY FACE, YOU FREAK!" He replied as he crashed and tumbled, breaking everything in the clubroom. He wildly pounded her head against the floor but Churuya kept on licking and eating the cheese sauce. Outside Achakura tried to join in the grabbing game with Kyon and the girls. She attempted to grab one of Haruhi's ankles, "Let go of my Kyon-kun-" She got kicked in the mouth by the very ankle she tried to grab. She was sent flying through air, screaming. The ballistic chibi hit Kyouko in the back of her head as she was just about to triumph over Mikuru. They both flew out of the window and into the ground screaming and leaving a stunned moe behind.

Downstairs the alien fight was rivaling WWE, UFC, TNA and boxing in excitement. Yuki was thrown through the canteen wall and landed on the floor, sliding across it and breaking the tables and chairs. Kouyo walked in towards the alien. She said to her in a raspy voice, "_Do...not...interfere... Sasaki_will_mate...with...Kyon_"

"You fool, you will destroy the world!" Yuki roared angrily. She then grabs a chair and flings it at her but Kouyo effortlessly knocks it away with her fist.

"She_is_the_one. There_could_on...ly_be_one." She replied creepily and electronically. Then she continues and, for the benefit of the readers, spoke properly," One goddess to rule us all, one goddess to find us, One goddess to bring us all and in the bishiness bind us. Everything that has a beginning has an end. I see-" But Yuki had enough listening to this LOTR and Matrix hack wannabe so she used a combo of Tajiri's Green mist and the horned lizard's blood squirt. She first spits into the lens in her helmet blinding her. The predator was standing stunned in disbelief. Then she wiped it away with mini-windshield wipers. Suddenly, a spray of blood from the alien's 'eyes', splashing her helmet and armor.

"WARNING! WARNING! CORROSIVE MATERIAL DETECTED! STRUCTURAL INTEGRITY COMPROMISED!" Bleered her sensors as Kuyou panicked at her predicament. She yelled, thinking the acid had got to her, running around like a headless chicken. She stumbled into the kitchen where a pot of hot leftovered soup tipped over and spalshed her, neutralizing the acid's effect. She took the pot out of her head and took off her mask. She surveyed her corroded armor and mask. Her faced got red hot with anger.

"THIS IS MY FAVORITE SUIT, YOU BITCH!" Hollered Koyou in a proper-pronounced sentnce for the first time on her own. She charged at Yuki with a headbutt, crashing into her stomach. She bend over in pain and Kuyou grabbed her neck and did a back suplex. The alien landed hard on the floor. The predator was about to stomp her face when Yuki rolled away. She instantly jump to the walls and climb like a spider up to the ceiling. "Trying to get away, huh!" Kuoyu yelled. She let loose her plasma caster.

"Make my day!" She grinned evilly and it fires gold-colored bolts. Yuki dodged as she crawled all over the ceiling, leaving holes. Kuyou is laughing insanely when her plasma caster malfunctioned. The shoulder-fired weapon stiffened and sputtered like it had a seizure. Suddenly, it spun around like Regan McNeil's head, shooting everywhere.

"SHIT! RUN!" Emiri Kimidori shouted as everyone dove for cover. Okabe came and said, "What is the meaning of this!" She got her answer instantly from a plasma bolt which turned her into a pile of ashes. Thinking quickly, Yuki rushed towards her and gave her an uppercut. She grabbed the plasma caster and wrench it off. She gave her a Chuck Norris-style roundouse kick. She flew into the wall and dented. Everyone was silenced for a while. Then they cheered in uproariously. Everyone cheered for their favorite alien. Yuki grabbed Kuyou's neck and did a DDT. Meanwhile...

"His mine! Let go!" exclaimed Haruhi she pulled Kyon.

"Kyon deserves to be with someone whose kind and warm so LET HIM GO!" Sasaki shouted, pulling the cynic back. As the girls shouted and pulled the poor boy, who really made a good substitute for a tug-of-war rope, when suddenly a strobe flash blurred by them. The girls were swept away and landed on their butts. They stood up and exclaimed in unison, "WHERE'S KYON?"

Kyon found himself flying in the air but what nearly gave him a heart attack was the one causing it: Itsuki. The esper smiled like a cat and said, "Greetings, My Kyon!"

Kyon stammered, "I-I-ITSUKI! How are you still alive! I just gutted you with my rifle!"

"I can never die, Kyon. Haruhi just created a closed space and I was revived by it's power. And now, I can have you all to myself!"

"WHAT IN THE HELL?"

"That's right, Kyon. You were always in my mind every night since I first laid eyes on you. I felt the touch of your hand when I showed you the closed space. I always had you in my thoughts. And..." They passed by a suprised student.

"YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH ME?"

"Shoot. You spoiled the moment but yes! I'm in love with you! Our hearts are meant to one, Kyon! We are destined for each other!" Itsuki proclaimed. Kyon screamed his head off as they flew to through the top floor and out the the door leading the roof. They flew into the air together like Rin Tosaka and Archer from Fate/Stay. Itsuki proclaimed again, "You and me against the world! We will never be apart! Once we breach this closed space, we will live our lives together in blissful union!" Kyon screamed some more as the gay esper ramped up his speed to hyper drive. They exploded into a flash of light and pierced the wall of the closed space. Itsuki slowed down and the two landed on some nonedescript building. He landed with a shreiking Kyon in his arms.

Itsuki said, "Finally! We are free! Free to..." He stopped as he looked at his surroundings. His jaw dropped in suprise as he realized that he was standing on the school, "Why the hell are we still here!"

A short laugh came from behind him. Sasaki said to the esper, "It's my closed space. You see, Itsuki, unlike Haruhi's closed space where it covers a certain area, mine envelopes the entire world and you couldn't escape from it. Not without Kyouko here." She pointed to his counterpart, who looks pissed off from being hit on the head by Ashakura. Then comes Fujiwara, face burned by fondue sauce, also pissed about how his balls were squashed and tea-scalded, and how Churuya further disfigured him. Although he doesn't look disfigured now, thanks to Kyouko's abilies.

"Let us go!" Itsuki making his romantic hero pose. Kyons jumps out of his arms.

"We will let you go. If you give us Kyon." Kyouko said. She looks at him with dagger eyes.

"Never! I'll never give up Kyon for anything! Right my-" Kyon instantly ran away for the opening. The Anti-SOS Brigade gives chase. Kyouko turns to Itsuki and smiles nastily, "Nice speech, moron!" She then flips the bird at his face.

Meanwhile, at the Computer Research Society's clubroom, the clubbies stopped partying to recieve an important video conference. They gather around a computer with a webcam.

"Are you sure that you have eliminated Haruhi Suzumiya?", asked Bin Laden from the screen.

"We don't know yet for sure but we took care of everything. We just told Sasaki and Friends that Kyon-kun is tired of Haruhi and that he wants to take his revenge on her. We spiced it up by telling them that he dreams of Sasaki everyday and wanting her to be his goddess", the president answered with satisfaction, "and they'll do the rest. We'll give you her head in no time."

"Ahh good, now I can air my latest video without that bitch stealing my screentime. Haruhi Suzumiya keeps on blocking my attempts to tell those infidels about there sins for oppressing and corrupting Muslim lands. Now I can threaten them once again. And thanks for the computers. They've been helping my war effort a lot."

"That's nothing. We gave them freely from the goodness of our hearts. Good luck in your jihad, my friend. I propose a toast," The pres holds up a tall-stemmed glass, "to a beginning of a beautiful freindship."

"Ah, I'll get the tea," suggested the terrorist. He calls his servant Akbar to bring the tea set. The guy moves out and reappears with a tray. He pours hot steaming tea from an ornate silver pot into a small glass and hands to Bin Laden. "Thank you, Akbar," he thanks his servant. The man disappears with reverence.

Bin Laden held up the glass, "To a beautiful freindship. Salaam."

Everyone in the room held up glasses and replied ,"Salaam." They drank to their toasts. As they did, the Al-Qaeda leader adds, "Anyway, please don't play that infernal Jewish folk song. It gives me nightmares when I sleep. Why not those songs you teens like these days like Ke$a or Lady Gaga?"

"Okay," the pres replied, "We'll think about it. Any suggestions?"

"Oh yeah, I think I know good party track-" Just as he was about to say what's next, a lot of shouting came from the floor below them.

"I'll shikebab you with my spear, Yuki!" Kuyou ranted gutturaly.

"I'll shoved my tail up your ass before you do, bitch!" Yuki replied. Everyone in the club shuddered in fear. Osama asked, "What's that commotion?" Then several shouts came up...

"BITCH!"

"BIATCH!" The terrorist leader looks at the students who are dumbfounded by the noise. Osama looked at and said, "Hello...is anyone in there?"

CRUNNNNCHHHH!

The floor erupted from below. Out from the hole came Yuki and Kuyou clawing each other. Chairs, tables, computers, bits of of wood and concrete, and students were sent flying all over the place.

"AAAAARGGGGHHHH!" Bin Laden screamed as the monitor traveled out the window. The clubbies huddled and hugged each other in fear, screaming like little girls as the two aliens faced off. Yuki did a chokeslam. Koyou crashed to floor with satisfyingly loud crunch! She grabs an air guitar from nowhere and smashes it on her face. Then she stalks to look for anything to smash on her. The predator quickly took advantage of this and rolled away to grab the nearest computer set. Yuki returned and is greeted by a flying computer monitor. It crashes into her head and she falls on her back. Kuyou then does a falling powerbomb, lifting the dazed alien on her shoulders, falling forward on the floor and smashing Yuki's face on the floor. The boys run out as the aliens do their pro wrestling brawl in the room. As for Kyon...

He ran downstairs looking for refuge. He tried to break into a room when he saw a frighteningly familiar sight: Ryoko Asakura. He shrieked, "WHAT! YOU'RE ALIVE?"

"Oh yes, my sweet Kyon-kun. I'm pretty much alive."

"BUT YUKI DELETED YOU! I SAW YOU DISAPPEAR!"

"I have backup program that revived me." She replied sweetly. "Noticed my midget form?" He then realized the blue-haired chibi Achakura was actually Ryoko. Oh no! And he didn't thought his day would get any worst. He tried to run but the door of the room he tried to break in to open all of a sudden and he get sucked in. Ryoko happily joined in and the door closed behind her. Then, with her alien powers, all the furniture in the room heaped on the door barricading it. Now in the manner found in all creepy situations, Kyon is trapped with a revived killer in a dark room with no way out.

Then she continued, "Now you and me are alone..." Alone to kill me, he thought. Then a spark of inspiration hit him. Alone to kill me! That's great! It's my ticket outta here! Screw Haruhi and the world if my death causes it to end, at least I'll die first! His face broke into a happy-faced smile and bowed down to her kissing her shoes, "Thank you, Ryoko! You're a life saver!" He stood up. "Now kill me now so I don't have Haruhi or Itsuki or anyone else on my back! Stab me, shoot me, I don't care!"

"What are you talking about, Kyon? I don't want to stab you." She said in a shrill cheery voice. She places her hands behind her back demurely. "I want you to stab me!" Kyon had a look of confusion, "What in the world are talking..." He then realized what she was talking about, "OH MY GOD! WHY IS EVERYONE TRYING TO MOLEST ME?"

"C'mon, Kyon-kun," she cooed. "It'll be fun." Kyon thought he would get out. Now he was going to be violated by this crazy blue-haired tsundere, who now seems to want to...play. Ryoko Asakura stared at the flipped-out cynic. Then broked the silence, "Hey Kyon-kun. Let's get it on." Just as she said that, the pile of furniture covering to the wall exploded into a fireball. It sent pieces of debris flying into the room, smoldering bits of chair, desk, door and wall. It sent Ryoko screaming and soaring through the window and blasted Kyon to floor. He coughed as he stood up and when the smoke cleared he saw Itsuki floating in mid-air.

He shouted, "Kyon! Come with me if you want to live!" Kyon screamed once again and took a piece of rope from nowhere, climb out the window and fast roped himself down to the school courtyard. He dashed for anywhere to escaped despite the fact he's in a closed spaced. Itsuki floated by, "Kyon, wait for me! We're in this together!"

"Go away-!" He was cut off when Yuki and Kuyou thrust into the air and came tumbling down together. They crashed hard on the ground as they fought each other like drunks on crack at a midnight ball. They trashed each other with their awesome moves rip-offed from pro wrestling. Kuyou grabbed a steel chair and tried to strike at Yuki but missed and instead strucked Itsuki at th back of his head, sending him flying to a nearby wall. Yuki gave Kuyou an uppercut and two hooks left and right. The predator staggered to her feet. Then the punch on the face. Kuyou fell on her back. The alien walked to her with the predator's spear in hand and a grin on her face. Kuyou has to think fast before stabby Yuki impales her. She rolled her head right and saw a kumquat. Quickly, she grabbed it stealthily. Not to long the alien was standing before her, gloating, "Any last words, biatch?"

"_Yeah_," she gripped the kumquat tightly, "_EAT_ THIS, MOFO!" She flinged it into the alien's mouth. It slammed right into her throat. The alien almost ckoked to death but she coughed it out and ate it, tearing it apart with her teeth, "Is that the best you could do!"

She raised the spear and aimed for her head when she was interrupted by Haruhi, "Hey Yuki! Are you all right?" Shouted the panting running brigade chief. Yuki turned and said excitedly, "Miss Suzumiya! You're just in time to see me spear this bitch."

"Not now, Yuki! I'm chased by one of Sasaki's bitches!" She pointed to Kyouko floating and lessening her distance. She is holding fireballs in both hands. The alien immediately switched her gaze to Kyouko, "No problem, Miss Suzumiya! She'll be trophy on the school before..." Yuki felt something in her body. Something...shaky. Before she knew it, Yuki started screamingly violently, running around like an idiot. She is allergic to kumquats. She repeatedly banged her head hard against the concrete surface of the courtyard, she scraped her tongue with a trash can lid, she spun around ballerina style, and drank a whole barrel of water and, in the process, slammed Kuyou with it. It didn't stop the pain and she started to itch uncontrollably. It was stopped when Fujiwara knocked her with pan on the head. The time guy was walking with Sasaki by her side. Then Yuki exploded.

"Oh Yuki!" Cried Haruhi. "What I'm I gonna do now! The SOS Brigade is all but ruined!"

"Don't fret, Haruhi," taunted Sasaki, "At least everything would be normal now and you don't boss around everyone in the school anymore."

"Why you little-!" But before Haruhi could lunged at her, Fujiwara pulled a Desert Eagle. She backed down. Sasaki congratulated Kuyou, "Thanks, Kuyou. You saved me the trouble of taking out the SOS Brigade's resident alien."

"All_ in_ a day's_ work, Sasaki. We_ have... destroyed_ broke_ their... backs." Kuyou replied proudly. Sasaki looked at Kyon. She approached him slowly and asked him. "Kyon, are you alright?"

Kyon slowly turned to her and answered wearily and with relief. "At last...the nightmare is over."

"Don't worry," she assured him, "Everything will be just fine."

"Oh no..." Moaned Haruhi. She slipped to the ground in despair. Tsuruya and the two boys rushed to them. She lifted Kuyou's hand in jubilation and held a microphone. "Ladies and gentlemen! We have a winner! Kuyou Suou!" She emphasized her name to everyone. The students cheered loudly. Except those who placed their bets on Yuki.

"I betted on Yuki." Someone lamented as he and several other betters went away with their tales behind their legs. Fujiwara cried with jubilation, "Wohoo! Let's party!" He fired his Desert Eagle widly into the air. Some of the shots hit Itsuki, who lifting a safe to drop on Kuyou. He dropped from the sky and fell on a groaning Yuki, who managed to stagger back up. The esper crashed on her head and they hit the ground unconsciuos again. The safe crashed to the ground a few feet from them.

"We should celebrate!" Sasaki happily urged. Kuyou got an idea. "Ah, I_ have_a...party_track_player...in_my_suit." She turned to the console on her right arm. It looked like a mentally-scarred reject from Picasso's workshop due to Yuki's corrosive blood. The Anti Brigade noticed it. Sasaki cautioned, "Um...maybe we should just stick to Ipod."

"No, it's still working!" She hurriedly reassured her in perfectly prounced words. She started pressing some buttons. There were some sparks flying that made them rather uncomfortable. She finally said. "Found it! Everyone, shift your gears to party time!"

"HURRAY!" They all shouted. Kuyou pressed a button and came an electronic voice, "SELF DESTRUCT SEQUENCE ACTIVATED. T-MINUS ONE MINUTE!" Kyon, weary and frightened, fainted.

"WHAT?" Everyone screamed. A beeping sound came to life and everyone instantly lost color.

Tsuruya shouted, "OH MY GOD! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"

Churuya popped out and asked, "Is there anymore smoked cheese?"

Taniguchi shouted, oblivious of Churuya's squeaky presence, "RUN FOR YOU LIFE!" And many students started screaming and running like idiots. Mikuru heard everything and crammed herself in a bag like a cocoon.

The chibi wailed, "Nyoron~" Only Kunikida stood where he is.

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST DO?" Kyouko screeched.

"I don't know! I'll try to fix it!" She typed furiously, desperately searching for the function that cancels it. And in the process, she activated the window washer which splashed water on her face, the correct party mix button with flying confetti, a second shoulder gun which fired wildly at screaming students, the portable TV tuning in to the news, and many more.

"Faster, Kuyou! The clock's ticking!" Shouted Sasaki.

"I'm trying!" She worriedly replied. She did but it seemed every click only worsened. Meanwhile, Haruhi dragged an unconcious Kyon. She whispered to his ears, "You and me are gonna start a new SOS Brigade." She was half way through...

"HEY!" A voice raised. Sasaki caught the tsundere in the act. "KYON'S MINE!"

Haruhi replied, "Make me, bitch!" Sasaki gave chase, leaving Kyouko, Kuyou and Fujiwara alone and not mention knocked-out Yuki and Itsuki's corpse.

"Damn user manual!" The predator cursed.

"Whatever you're gonna do Kuyou, do it fast!" Fujiwara strained his voice. Kyouko decided to leave the two and said. "There's something I need to do before I die." They ignored her as they are too deep in their predicament to notice anything else. The seconds ticked as the pred sweated in desperation to kill the countdown. Then the seconds ran out and a beeps became rapid.

"Oh...shit." The trio sang as Kuyou blew up in a defeaning flash.

KAAAAAABBBBBBOOOOOMM!

The explosion vaporized Kuyou and destroyed Sasaki's closed space-not to mention levelling all of North High in the process. The place where the school once stood is now a flat crumbly piecrust of charred and smoking rubble. Seconds later people slowly emerged from the rubble in shock and disbelief. Including Kyon, Haruhi and Sasaki in their torn and shredded uniforms. The girls' uniforms slowly slipped away revealing their underwear, stained with soot but otherwise unharmed. Then they resumed their feud.

"Kyon's mine!" Haruhi cried grabbing one of his arms. Sasaki spat out as she wrapped hers around his other arm, "No! He's mine!" They started their tug of war again, pulling the cynic viciously.

"No! All my money's gone!" Tsuruya shouted in grief as burned yen bills flutter in the air like the leaves of autumn. She cried until Tanuguchi and Kunikida appeared behind her. The skirtchaser patted her shoulder, "Umm, Tsuruya. Wanna go for some shakes at the snack bar?" Tsuruya instantly stopped crying and went back to her happy demeanor, "Sure, nyoro." Then they all left. In background of the feuding girls, Kyouko had her prize.

"LOL. A tasty teenage loli-in-a-bag." She quipped as she carried the bag Mikuru hid inside. She padlocked the moe inside so she can't escape.

"Help! Help me! Get me outta here!" Mikuru's muffled yelps echoed inside to be heard by no one. Meanwhile, where the canteen used to be Churuya plundered the school's supply of cheese, now a melted hunk smoked by the explosion. She ate contentedly with Mr. Kimidori and Muu-chan.

THE END.

Author's note: Everything I wrote here is just plain wrong.