After the Outsiders
"Do you miss him?" She asked. I just looked at her with a blank expression on my face. It's been like this for the last month. This stupid shrinkasks me a question about my friends and family and I just ignore her.
I looked away from her piercing stare. I can't wait for the day that I no longer have to have those green eyes searching me. I wondered how much time was left in this session; I guessed at least an hour. She continued to stare at me and I tried to avoid looking at her.
If it wasn't for my mother I wouldn't be sitting here with a shrink.She thinks after all that happened I need to "talk about my problems," but I don't have any problems. Only crazy people have problems. I mean yeah I did love Bob and I was with him only hours before he was killed and sure I did know the kid that killed him and maybe I do feel responsible for his death and the death of those two Greasers, but I don't have any problems!
Apparently she asked me another question because she was looking at me expectantly. I looked back at her and I could feel her green eyes searching me. Oh how I hate that!
"Miss Valance," she said keeping direct eye contact and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't break it, "I asked you a question."
"Did you?" I said and the shrink seemed pleased. It was the first time I ever said anything in one of our sessions and she probably thought she was making progress.
"Yes. I asked if you missed him."
This time I kept my mouth shut. I didn't answer her. Her green eyes continued to search me.
"I said-"
"I heard what you said."
"Then why don't you answer me?"
"I'm not answering you because I'm sure you already know the answer." This time it was me keeping direct eye contact.
"Miss Valance, I do not understand."
"Oh I'm sure you do understand! You don't need me to tell you anything! After all you are theshrink who went to school for however long so you could sit here and search my head for all my deepest secrets like you do every time I come in!" I could hear my voice rising, all the anger I've had over the past month coming to a boil.
"I do not search your head for your deepest secrets, that is not my job."
"Oh, really?" I said sarcastically. "Then what is your job as a shrink?"
"Please do not call me a shrink, call me by my name: Miss-
"Oh Miss. So you're not married." I said and she shook her head. "Well it's no wonder why you've never been married. 'DoImisshim' what a stupid question! You have obviously never been in love either because if you have, you wouldn't be asking me stupid questions about my dead boyfriend!"
She just stared at me and I could see small red dots starting to appear on her cheeks from either anger or embarrassment.
"I think that will be all for today." She said. "Please tell your mother to come and see me."
I got up and walked out of the room and over to my mother.
"The shrink wants you. I'm not staying, I'm gonna walk home." I turned without her answer, we haven't been talking much since she made me start going to therapy. The thought still makes me sick.
"Okay honey, be careful." She said as she walked into the room I just left.
I knew she was going to tell my mother everything I said and I was going to be in trouble. I left theshrink's office and headed home. I didn't know what I was going to do when I got there, I thought about maybe calling Marcia since I haven't talked to her since the night Bob was killed when we were hanging out with those Greasers: Johnny Cade, Ponyboy Curtis, and Dallas Winston.
I remember that night perfectly, though I try to avoid thinking about it. The only one that remains alive from that night is Ponyboy. I haven't talked to him for a while either. I was going to go to Johnny and Dallas's funeral and try to talk to him, but I couldn't, I felt like I'd have betrayed Bob. I still see him in school but I do every possible thing to avoid him. Socs and Greasers don't socialize together very often. I feel bad about it, but that's just how it is.
I still talk to Randy, Bob's best friend and Marcia's ex; they broke up not long after Bob died. He's changed, he's more sensitive now. He hangs out with the Greasers. They all seem to have forgiven him for what he helped Bob to do Ponyboy and Johnny, though I know Dallas wouldn't have.
I got to know Dallas pretty well before he died, I was his spy before the rumble. He always asked me out and I turned him down. I once told Ponyboy I could fall in love with Dallas Winston. I had been doing everything I could to not let that happen. But, there was this one time Dallas and I were alone in the parking lot that I often met him in to give him the information about the Socs and the rumble.
I was telling him that they would play by the Greaser's rules. Dallas had said thanks and stared into my eyes.
"You're beautiful." He said as he brushed my hair out my eyes.
I didn't say anything; I just looked into his eyes instead.
"Why do you hate me so much?"
"I-I don't hate you." I stuttered. "I-I just can't let myself be with you."
"Why? 'Cause I'm a Greaser and you're a Soc?"
"Well that's part of it…"
"Well what's the other part?" He moved closer to me and I could hear my heart beating. "Well?"
I didn't have another reason and he knew it, but I just knew that being with Dallas Winston was a bad idea.
"You don't have another reason do you Cherry?" he said as he moved even closer to me. "In fact I don't think me being a Grease is your reason either."
Then he leaned in and kissed me.
As the memory of that night faded I realized I was not headed home, but towards the gas station where some of the Greasers work. I opened the door that clearly said "Closed" and walked in.
"Hey Lady, can't you read? We're closed." Said one of the Greasers, I never got to know all of them.
"Hey, Steve, it's cool. This is Cherry Valance." Said Randy.
"Cherry Valance, our spy from the rumble?" Said Steve.
"That's the one."
"Well it was very brave of you to help us during that time." Said the Greaser I thought they called Darry.
"It was the least I could."
"Hey Cherry." I knew that voice even though I couldn't see him. Ponyboy Curtis was walking out of the back of the store drinking a Pepsi with his older brother Sodapop.
"Hi Ponyboy. Soda." I couldn't look at Ponyboy, I felt guilty about ignoring him at school, so I watched the rest of the Greasers messing around. Randy seemed to fit in well here, he seemed happy. He didn't look the same, his hair was longer and full of grease, his typical Madras shirt was exchanged for a leather jacket similar to the one Dallas used to wear, and he really did seem happier than I've ever seen him.
I could feel Ponyboy's eyes on me, but I still didn't look at him.
"Oh, where are our manners boys? We never offered the lovely lady a Pepsi." said Two-Bit as he pulled one out from behind the counter and handed it to me.
"Thanks." I said but he didn't hear me, him and Soda started boxing in the corner.
"So how've you been, Cherry?" Randy asked.
"Okay I guess. Parents are making me go to therapy."
"And how's that been?"
"Well I kinda blew up at the shrink today,"
"Ha, I always knew there was a fire in you, Cherry."
I smiled at Randy and looked out the window, it was getting late.
"I gotta guys. See you around."
"I'll walk you out." Ponyboy was still watching me his eyes were green like the shrink's and I had that odd feeling of being searched.
"Okay." I said as the guys whistled and gave Ponyboy a hard time.
We walked awhile before he said anything.
"Haven't heard from you for awhile." He said.
"Well, you know, things have been rough."
"Yeah well, things are rough all over." I looked at him and he gave a knowing smile. I told him that one night long ago at a drive in.
I looked away and into the sky, the sun was setting. I knew Ponyboy saw it too, it was a connection we had, sunsets. We both stopped walking and I turned to look at him, we were outside my house now.
"Well Ponyboy, I said you could see the sunset real well from the West Side."
"Yeah you did." He looked me in the eyes the way Bob used to and the way Dallas did that one night long ago.
Then I kissed him on the cheek. "I'll see you around Pony." I turned and walked up the steps to my house and closed the door behind me.
I watched Ponyboy Curtis leave my driveway and I thought about what I said. "See you around Pony." I meant it; I would see him around, the rest of the Greasers too. Who cares who's a Soc and who's a Greaser? Not me, not anymore. I couldn't wait until tomorrow when I would go back to the gas station with Steve, Darry, Sodapop, Two-Bit, Randy, and Ponyboy.