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Silent Hill

Silent Hill: Homecoming

Choices

The First Night

Lillian couldn't remember when she and Adam had made that fated choice, that it would it their first born. Then again saying that the two of them had made the choice would be lie and Lillian knew it. Adam made the choice; Adam always made the choices just as Lillian would always go along with it, never once voicing her thoughts or feelings. To her it was easier this way because her husband had said so, he'd comforted by saying that it would be better this way and that the second child would not be neglected in any way. She imagined the torment the first child would go through, with being unloved in favour of the second, but Lillian didn't voice her opinion.

She never did.

Perhaps it was when they first met, when she was a town resident of Shepherd's Glen, a simple streamstress making clothes for the women of the town. When she decided to fall in love with the young Adam Shepherd, a boy soon to become a man, who had dreams of being a soldier. Or perhaps it was when they were dating, when she learnt of the town's dark past but Lillian was still young and in love, those days were far in the future and she did not worry as long as Adam was with her. She felt a new kind of sadness for the first time in her life that would grew to become a constant companion throughout her latter life, though she would only meet him and show her true feelings when no one was around.

Maybe the choice was sworn along with their wedding vows, the day when she didn't just join together with Adam, but with the founding families, the Order's religion and the choice that they would have to make. The choice might have been made as late as the night of conception for the chosen who would know not love from his parents but indifference.

It certainly wasn't the first night, because as Adam stayed vigil over his wife and still unborn child, he reminded her of the choice, a choice that he must not let her forget. As the doctor told her it was a healthy boy and the screams of the child as he was brought into her waiting arms, she knew that this would be where it would begin.

Adam had come to see his wife in the hospital, he looked the baby over, his face emotionless, Lillian knew that Adam wasn't heartless, he wasn't doing this be cruel and in different circumstances he would have stay for hours with his new child and gave him the love he deserved but their was no turning back. He handed the child back to Lillian's arms, he bend down to kiss her and left to go meet with other founding families.

The exhausted mother laid there with her now sleeping baby, she was no longer the young streamstress but a mum to a child that could not be loved. Yet for that first night between her and her son there would be only peace, he would never remember the affection and she would lock the memories away in the depths of her mind. She held her child close to her, his fragile heart beating against her; she closed her eyes and whispered to him.

"Alex."

It wasn't love; it wasn't allowed to be love, but a simple acknowledgement that this child was named. The baby remained motionless only his heart beating and his short breaths showed any sign he was alive. Lillian didn't care that he didn't respond though because for that one night, she held her child like she was a normal mum, for that one night the choice didn't matter. The two slept for many hours, but the sound of screaming awoke her and she could see Alex was awake, kicking and crying, he'd had a bad dream.

"There, there, honey." With the sound of his mother's voice, he settled down and stopped his frantic movements though he continued to cry. She held him tightly in her arms, cradling him, she spoke bits of her favourite French poetry, until he calmed down and eventually fell back to sleep.

The first night was just peace and quiet.

When the doctor came to take him away, the child burst into tears but Lillian didn't show any sign of sadness, her face was set. She knew that this was the time, it would hurt her but at least it was easier this way.

No feeling, no love, no peace. The other nights would grow harder until the day Josh was born. Josh made it easier to forget but it would always stay with her.

Her choice. She never spoke out.

She never did.

Indifferent Mask

Adam was right, this was the only way. Lillian watched every day as she saw Sam Bartlett shower his son with gifts and Martin Fitch did anything and everything for his "princess." At first Lillian had thought maybe the two of them had been right and they should spoil their chosen child.

But everyday she could see it had begun to effect the two of them. Whenever the families would meet up and the children would play with each other, Bartlett would reach for another drink and Fitch would always mumble to himself. Latter on the two of them could barely look at the children they were destined to kill and missed council sessions countless times.

Judge Holloway on the other hand, didn't seem to mind, she raised her daughters like a disciplined mother. She loved her children but she was stern, proud and treated them like adults, her belief that family came first meant she had no guilt for what she would do.

Lillian knew Adam was right and so she kept quiet, she didn't want to end up an emotional wreck like Fitch or Bartlett but she didn't want to seem stern to both her children like Holloway. She devoted herself to her baby, Josh; the love that Alex would never receive was transferred to him.

Every time they got up in the morning, Lillian would make the breakfast, a nice warm smile for Josh as she fed him his porridge and a simple unmoving stare as she handed Alex his cereal.

There were days when Alex couldn't take it, he'd shout at his parents for the way they seemed to ignore him. Lillian just stood their and stared, not answering as the teenager let his thoughts known, this small mercy that she could grant him. When Adam finally came to find out what happened, Lillian simply drifted to Josh's room to comfort him. Adam and Alex's shouts filled the air, though Lillian didn't notice, she just concentred on the boy who was no longer a baby.

She always wore that emotionless mask around Alex, he was left on his own, he always wondered if his mother was unable to feel but he would see her spending time with Josh in her rocking chair and the cold reminder returned.

Lillian didn't even offer warmth or cold, any happiness or sadness, just that hard stare and feelings of emptiness. Her hugs and kisses were devoid of emotion; he might as well have hugged and kissed a rock. The brownies she made, that he loved so much were a small comfort but nothing that could replace actual affection. Perhaps that's why the smell haunted him, it was the only thing he could enjoy that came from his mother, but he would always have to share with Josh.

She got so use to wearing the mask that even people outside the family household noticed it, the Shepherd's Glen ladies would sometimes comment to her as she sewed their clothes. She always kept quiet or merely mumbled a lie about feeling ill.

When the news of Josh's death and Alex's mental collapse reached her ear, the mask along with Lillian's mind shattered.

Angry Mask

Lillian Shepherd may have appeared a naïve lady in her younger years and fragile lady in her older years but deep down she held anger and hatred. Specific for those people and those choices that drove her into a despair she couldn't ever got out of.

She blamed Adam for the choice that she never wanted to make, for making her swear that when the time came she would have to let her first son go. For making her promise that she was to deny her son the love that all children deserve from their parents. She was angry that he could go along with such a horrible thing and not even show care or sadness.

The Order had controlled her life without her even knowing, from the time her family moved to join the other families in Shepherd's Glen to her growing up. Not content with just that though, they were forcing her to follow their beliefs even as she joined with Adam in wedlock. Then they were the whole reason for the sacrificing of the children and the reason her husband went along with such acts so quietly.

She hated Alex for killing the one thing in her life that wasn't yet tainted by the Order's control. She had worked so hard in following her choice and then he ruined everything, not that she could have done anything. When she first heard what had happened she didn't even move from that spot for a couple of days. Adam feared that he might have to place her in a mental hospital as well. Josh had been their future and now because of Alex, Lillian was distraught. Deep down she might have thought about revenge against him or thoughts of death but they never stayed in her mind long.

But out of all the hate and anger that she felt for the Order and the people that she blamed for her pain, the one she hated most was herself. She hated herself for allowing to go along with all these sick, twisted things and never speaking out. She couldn't believe that as a mother she had chosen to love one son while leaving the other to feel unloved like a stranger. She hated that she had always been a weak woman since the time she fell in love with Adam to the time she didn't have the strength to accept Josh's death. It angered her that she let others speak for her, in the meetings she always kept quiet as Adam would deliver both their opinions. She hated that when Josh died, she couldn't grasp control of the situation like Adam, instead of thinking things through, she merely locked herself away, relieving the days with herself comforting Josh.

However these feelings, feelings of anger and hate, they never surfaced into the real world. They were so far buried in the back of Lillian's mind, under all that indifference to Alex and the sadness of losing her family that they never manifested into an opinion.

The feelings might as well have not existed except Lillian would always remember them.

Frowning Mask

Indifference was the mask she wore for Alex, for Josh it was happiness, and for the rest of the world it was the mask of a dutiful housewife.

Behind closed doors and curtained windows, in the comfort of her sewing room when no one was there she put on her hidden mask.

In these times she cried her tears that she could not show in public, she cried because of her own weakness. Sometimes she came downstairs at night when everyone else was in bed, come to her room, lock the doors and cry for herself and her family. Sometimes the tears would fall for a few minutes and then she would spend hours thinking about what she had done, sometimes the tears would remain until the sun begun to raise. In these times she couldn't sleep she merely waited until she heard the sign of people getting out of bed and then she knew to make the breakfast.

She would look in the mirror and see how all the events had affected her, not only her mind but her body begun to rot. Her fair hair had turned black shortly after raising up Josh, and grey stripes appeared throughout her tightly done bun. Her figure was frail and at times she didn't even seem to eat merely watching as her family ate what she provided. Her speaking and voice grew weaker and slower, whenever she went to see Judge Holloway or the ladies she merely kept quiet, only voicing her thoughts when she was asked to. She was hollow on the outside as well as the inside and secretly Lillian felt she had earned this punishment.

Lillian was never caught crying, when her children or husband came in the room, she quickly wiped her tears and put on the mask she had to wear. The sorrow, that ever growing companion, seemed to be the only feeling of hers that were truthful anymore.

She wanted to love her sons; both her sons but she could only have one. That cruel, miserable choice, the one she so wanted to break but she just didn't have the strength anymore. These small sessions where she could cry those much needed tears would have to do and she crawled through life until the day Josh died.

That day her sadness finally found root in the real world, it overwhelmed her so much, that when Adam left for Silent Hill she didn't even say bye. She didn't bother putting on the mask of indifference when Alex came home, letting Alex see a side of his mother that he hadn't seen before. When the Order came she hoped it would be swift, but her other hopes had never been answered and neither was this one.

When the time came for her fate to decided, she didn't even get a say in that. For the first time in her life she poured her true feelings out to Alex as she was slowly torn apart. The pain was too much for her, she didn't get to choice her fate, and either the Order's machine was going to kill her or the son.

She dearly hoped it would be the latter.