Disclaimer: I don't own the characters.
Warnings for angst and some sexual situations.
Loved Ones Lost
I never thought someone like Ranger could die.
He was such a strong man, in every sense of the word. He could be big and intimidating, but I knew he would never hurt anyone who didn't deserve it. He lived by the strongest moral code, never straying from what he though was right. He was the greatest man I've ever known, and for a few precious years, he was mine.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Ranger came to me late one fall night.
I sensed a presence in my bedroom. Someone was there. I slowly turned in bed and caught sight of a dark shadow by the door.
"Ranger? What are you doing here?"
"I just needed to see you."
"What's wrong?"
"Can I stay with you tonight?"
I lifted the cover, inviting him to join me. He slowly undressed and climbed in next to me, gathering me in his arms. He cradled me close, like he never wanted to let me go.
His lips searched for mine, claiming my mouth in a hungry kiss, filled with passion and something I couldn't name. He covered my body with his, kissed my neck and tasted me with a hunger I had never felt in him before. The one night we had previously spent together, held nothing against this incredible display of emotion.
He entered me slowly, his hands caressed my body. His lips on my throat claimed me as his. He made love to me with a wild abandon, with a passion and hunger that threatened to consume me alive. I felt him move inside of me, and I could have sworn we were one.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The next morning I woke up to find Ranger's dark eyes trained on me. A slow smile spread across his lips.
"Morning Babe."
"Hi." I answered sleepily.
"God, you're beautiful."
"What are you still doing here?"
Ranger watched me with a soft expression in his eyes. "I'm not leaving Babe. Not this time. Never again."
I slowly rose to a sitting position, watching him carefully. "Ranger..?"
"I love you, Babe. I want to stay. Let me take care of you."
I watched him with amazement in my eyes, silently wondering what had happened to make him change his stand like this. This was everything I had ever wanted from him.
"Babe?"
"What made you change your mind?"
"Let's just say something happened to make me realize what's important."
"I'm important?"
"Yes you are. For a long time you've been the most important thing in my life. I was just a fool not to realize it sooner."
That morning everything was right in my world. I didn't know it then, and I wouldn't know for months, but Ranger was dying. It was the beginning of the end that I was still blissfully unaware of.
After that night, everything moved fast. Ranger showered me with attention. We spent all our free time together, and Ranger took more and more time off to be with me, leaving work for Tank to handle.
Back then I remember wondering about his sudden change of heart. I didn't understand why he suddenly didn't care about work anymore. I didn't understand why he wanted to be with me every hour of the day. I was naïve. I thought he had realized just how much he loved me and decided to take a chance.
Oh he did love me. A lot. And he did decide to take a chance. But what brought it on wasn't a sudden epiphany; it was the tumor in his brain. His doctors had given him two years to live. He was dying, and he wanted to know love before he went.
Later he told me that the thought of dying alone scared him more than the thought of actually dying. He was used to not knowing if he would come back from a mission. He was used to putting his life on the line. The only difference this time was that there was no uncertainty. He knew without a doubt that this was it; he wouldn't live to tell the tale of this battle.
So he gave love a chance. He let himself love me and he let me love him back. The months after that fateful night were heaven. I was blissfully unaware of the disease eating at Ranger. We danced and dined. Saw movies, and stayed in. We made love like there was no tomorrow – ironic now when I think about it.
I was happier than ever before. I didn't think life could get any better. And then life did get just a little bit better.
We were lying in bed, basking in the afterglow of hours of lovemaking. Ranger was propped up on one elbow, looking down on me with an expression of total love and devotion on his face.
"Marry me, Stephanie."
My eyes grew wide. "Ranger?"
Ranger smiled one of his beautiful smiles and placed a kiss on my forehead. "Marry me."
All I could do was stare at him. "Why?"
I had to give myself a mental head slap. Why?? What kind of a question was that?
Ranger just smiled and lay down beside me, letting me rest my head on his chest. His fingers drew lazy circles on my arm and his lips brushed against the top of my head.
"Because I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to be able to say that I have loved and that I took the opportunity presented to me. I don't want to miss a single second spent with you. That's why."
"Ohh.." I was amazed and overwhelmed by emotion. I couldn't think straight.
"Well?" Ranger laughed.
"Well what?"
"Will you marry me?"
"Oh." I smiled. "Yes, I will." My heart swelled with joy. I had never been happier in my life than I was in that moment. I gave a small laugh of disbelieve and shook my head to try to clear it.
"You have no idea how happy you made me." Range laughed and grabbed me, flipping us so that he was on top of me, his hard length pressing into my thigh.
"Oh, I have a pretty good idea of how happy you are." I laughed, wiggling a bit against him.
Growling, he leaned down and kissed my neck, letting his teeth graze my skin. Laughing and joking, we made love again and again. At dawn we fell asleep, exhausted.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I should have known then that everything would come crashing down sooner or later. The happier I got, the harder I would fall. Nothing good ever lasts for long. I learned that the hard way.
I found the pills when I was cleaning my apartment. He had forgotten them in his pants pocket and I found them when I was doing laundry. One minute I was amazed at the fact that Batman had clothes at my apartment, and the next, I was shocked and outraged that Ranger would have drugs on him. It never occurred to me that he actually might be sick. He was Batman – he didn't get sick.
I stormed out to the living room to confront him. "Ranger, what's this?" I extended my hand and showed him the two plastic containers.
Ranger looked at the pill containers and I thought I saw a brief flash of disgust on his face.
"Babe, I need to talk to you." he said, his voice somber.
He walked over to the couch and sat down, waiting for me to follow. I got a sinking feeling in my stomach, afraid for the first time since I found the pills. I didn't want to hear this.
"Sit down."
Numbly I fumbled for the couch and sat down beside him. We sat facing each other and he was silent for a while.
"Babe…I'm sick." he started, then paused.
He was silent for so long that I was getting worried.
"But the doctors can fix it, right?" I asked, not for one second believing he could be really sick. He was immortal for crying out loud.
"No they can't. I have a tumor in my brain. It's malign and inoperable. There's nothing they can do about it. They say I have about eighteen months."
"No." I shook my head, tears forming in my eyes. I slowly got up, backing away from him. "No!" I shouted at him. "You're lying! Why would you say something like that to me?!" I cried, disgusted with what he'd said.
Ranger watched me, his eyes filled with pain. "I'm so sorry Babe."
"No." I repeated, shaking my head furiously, tears flowing down my cheeks. "There's got to be something they can do. You need to see another doctor." I made to go get my laptop to see if I could find another doctor, but Ranger grabbed me and pulled me down into his arms.
"Shh Babe." He rocked me.
I clung onto him for dear life. He was alive. He was there and I was touching him. How could a man who was holding me, who was so warm and solid, be dying?
Violent sobs wracked my body as I cried into his chest, not wanting to believe the horrible things he just said. I fought against him holding me. I hit his chest with my fists.
"You are not dying. Bastard! You let me love you. You made me believe I would have the rest of my life with you! You don't have the right to die now." I was screaming and crying and I felt him crying. I felt him shaking, but I was too busy grieving to try to console him. "You can't do this to me!"
Ranger just held me close. It took me an hour before I was calm enough to look him in the eyes again. The pain I saw there had tears forming anew in my eyes.
"You promised me you'd never leave."
"I know Babe."
He kissed me then. His lips tasted of salt from our tears. I poured all of my despair and pain into that kiss. Ranger was my rock, he was my life, and I couldn't grasp the concept of him being gone, The entire idea seemed like something from a bad movie. I clung onto him, desperate to reassure myself that he was still there. I was scared to death of life without Ranger, but right then, at that moment, he was still alive, and I needed to know that. I needed to feel him.
I broke the kiss and reached up to touch his face. He leaned his cheek into my hand in a gesture full of devotion.
"Make love to me." I whispered.
Ranger gently picked me up and carried me to the bedroom. With a tenderness I had never seen in him before, he placed me on the bed and undressed me.
Our lovemaking was slow and tender. I sat in his lap, my legs around his waist. He was buried deep inside of me and I relished the feeling, savoring every moment.
Ranger seemed to need the contact just as badly as I did. He held me close, kissing his way down my throat, my collar bone and my breasts. My orgasm built slowly, rising until I had tears in my eyes, the intensity of it breathtaking. When I came, I cried out his name in a hoarse whisper.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I started to suspect it after a missed period, but the confirmation came with the first morning sickness a few weeks after that.
That first morning I was sick, I lunged myself out of bed and ran for the bathroom. I barely made it there before I was violently sick into the toilet.
Ranger got up from bed and rushed to my side, his face lined with worry.
"What's the matter, Babe?" he asked, his voice urgent and scared.
Instead of answering, I dry heaved, cold sweat beading on my forehead, my eyes tearing up from being sick.
Ranger sat down beside me and stroked my back until I was completely empty, and exhausted. Then he gently helped me to my feet and led me to the shower. The water was warm and felt good, but not as good as his hands on me.
Ranger held me close in the shower, stroking my hair and placing small kisses on my forehead. "You alright?" he asked, brushing his lips over my hair.
"I'm fine." I whispered into his chest.
"Did you eat something inappropriate last night?" he continued.
I was pretty sure the "inappropriate" thing had gotten into me over a month ago, but I had no idea how to tell him that. I didn't even know how I felt about it. How would Ranger react to becoming a father, when he might never even get the chance to see his child? I was afraid he would be angry because I knew he didn't want to be a father. But most of all I was afraid he would love this child and be devastated over the fact that he wouldn't live to see his own child grow up. I was terrified that the news of my pregnancy would destroy the spirit Ranger had. I was terrified that I would be alone to raise our child. I was terrified that Ranger would leave my side during these last months that I had with him.
"No." I whispered.
"Steph, tell me what's wrong." Ranger said, gently lifting my face to look him in the eyes.
I felt my heart beating double time as I tried to find my voice. "I think I might be pregnant."
Ranger went completely still. The only thing moving was the water cascading down on us, and I shivered despite the warm water.
I felt my heart sink as the seconds stretched to an eternity.
I finally dared to look him in the eyes, and was taken aback at what I saw there. Tears were brimming in his eyes, he watched me with love and disbelief in his eyes.
His voice broke when he finally talked. "Are you absolutely sure?" he croaked out. "Please tell me you're sure about this." His voice held an urgency I'd never heard before, and I slowly realized he sounded desperate for it to be true.
"I haven't had a test yet, but I'm pretty sure it's true." I said, daring a small smile.
Ranger sank to his knees, his face level with my stomach. Slowly he kissed my bellybutton.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Two months later, I became Mrs. Carlos Manoso. The wedding was held in a small chapel outside of Trenton. Our friends and family where there, sharing our perfect moment.
Even my mother, who had been ironing non-stop since I told her that I was pregnant and getting married, took time off from her busy tippling schedule to attend the ceremony.
The vows we spoke were traditional. But for us, they were perfect.
"I, Ricardo Carlos Manoso, take you, Stephanie Michelle Plum, to be my lawful wife. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love and honor you all the days of my life."
He looked me in the eyes as he spoke, a small smile on his lips. When it was my turn to say the words, I had to try twice before my voice held.
"I, Stephanie Michelle Plum, take you, Ricardo Carlos Manoso, to be my lawful husband. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love and honor you all the days of my life."
"What do you give to each other as a symbol of this pledge?"
"I give you this ring and welcome you into my life as the companion of my days."
"I give you this ring and welcome you into my life as the companion of my days."
"Inasmuch as you two have come before your friends and family and have declared your love and devotion to each other, I now greet you with them as husband and wife. You may kiss your bride."
Ranger smiled and put his arm around me. He leaned in and kissed me for the first time as my husband. We turned to our friends and family, and walked down the isle.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I think I might have still lived in denial, a bit. I kept thinking that some of these days someone would jump out from behind a bush and say "Gotcha!", and we would all laugh at the misunderstanding. No-one ever did, and eventually I stopped checking the bushes. I was pregnant, and I was married. And soon I would be a widow.
I still remember the day Ranger sat me down and talked about his illness.
The two small pill containers stood on the table in front of him, almost smothering me with their mere existence.
"This is Prednisone, steroids. They reduce swelling in the brain. And this is an anti-epileptic drug, Tegretol. It's just a precautionary measure, but I hear a very essential one."
"Ohh." I whispered in a small voice. I was feeling overwhelmed by all of this, and the matter-of-fact way Ranger was talking about it didn't help at all.
"Common short-term side effects include insomnia, mood swings, and personality changes." Ranger continued in that flat voice, blank face firmly in place.
Suddenly I couldn't take it anymore. I needed to know he felt something. He talked about dying as if he didn't give a damn.
"Don't you do that to me… Don't you dare talk about this like it doesn't matter! You're dying and you're talking about this like it's just another day at work!" I started in a whisper, but by the end of my rant I was shouting furiously.
The blank face disappeared immediately and he flew up from the couch. He grabbed the coffee table and flung it to the side, pills flying everywhere.
"Don't you think I know that?!" Don't you think I know I'm dying? I'm aware of it every fucking second of every fucking day!"
I was crying by now. Big heavy tears ran down my chin. This was the first time I'd seen Ranger distraught.
"Don't you think I wonder about what will happen every single day? I will never get to grow old with you. I will never get to see our child grow up. I will never be a grandfather. I think about it all the fucking time." Ranger finished, his voice hollow and so utterly sad it broke my heart all over again.
I held out my arms to him and he pulled me to him in a fierce hug.
"I'm sorry," I whispered into his chest.
"Don't be" he whispered into my hair. "I love you."
"I love you too."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Carlos Alexander was born on a rainy night in July. I'll never forget the look on Ranger's face when he held his son for the fist time. The delivery was hell. But in the end, it was worth it. Ranger held my hand, trying to soothe me, and help me.
Finally, I heard Alex scream and I felt my heart swell with happiness. Someone placed him in Ranger's arms, and Ranger's face lit up with wonder. He looked at the little creature he held in his arms, and then looked up at me, his face a study in happiness.
I smiled at the sight of Ranger cutting the umbilical cord. I was incredibly tired, but when Ranger carefully placed Alex in my arms, and lay down beside me, I couldn't care less about sleep.
"He's beautiful." Ranger said, nuzzling my neck. "Just like his mother."
"We did it." I said, wonder in my voice. "We actually made a baby."
Ranger laughed and put his arm around my shoulder. "Yes we did."
Time moved so fast with a newborn in the house. I loved that first year of Alex's life. I remember it as a happy time, even with the shadow looming over us. Ranger absolutely adored his son, and would spend hours just playing with him. But I could see Ranger getting worse every day.
After a few months he started to join Alex for his daytime nap. Ranger said he wanted to be close to Alex, but I could see the dark circles under his eyes. He was getting more and more tired with every day. His naps became longer and the pain worse, but he never once complained.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
One morning, I was lying awake, just looking at him.
Ranger slowly woke up, is face soft and tired. A slow smile spread across his face, his eyelids still heavy and his eyes dark from sleep.
"Hey Babe." he whispered, his voice a little raspy. "What are you doing?"
"I'm watching you sleep." And making sure you're still breathing. "You look so peaceful." I smiled softly.
"What time is it?" he asked.
"It's almost nine."
A look of annoyance flashed over his face. He never used to sleep this long. The annoyance melted away as Alex came crawling into the room. He had taken his first steps a couple of weeks ago, but was still feeling much steadier on all fours.
Ranger bent down to the side of the bed and picked up Alex, lifting him high up in the air, causing him to shriek with laughter.
My heart broke just a little looking at them.
As Ranger got worse, he refused hospital care. He took his medicine, and the painkillers, but I could tell the pain was increasing.
The day Ranger couldn't walk anymore I broke down completely. I locked myself into the bathroom and cried my heart out. Little Alex was with me, and he didn't understand why mommy was sad. I cried and clutched him to my chest, making him too cry out of confusion.
I cried for one hour. That was all I could afford myself. Alex needed food, and I had a loving husband who needed me. I wiped my tears and washed my face with cold water. My eyes were red rimmed, but if Ranger noticed, he didn't say a word.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
We watched Ranger's last sunset together on the beach. Tank had helped Ranger get there and we were sitting on a blanket, me in Ranger's arms. The sun painted the sky in vibrant orange and red, the ocean was calm and serene. We sat together, quietly reminiscing about Alex, about the wonderful times we'd had together and about the future.
Thinking back on it now, I feel like Ranger might have known that it was going to be his last night. He talked about things I really didn't want to talk about, about things I thought made everything too real.
"Look at the sunset Ranger, it's so beautiful," I said.
"I'd rather look at you. You are the most beautiful thing in this world. Thank you Babe, for making my life worth living."
He brushed a curl over my forehead.
"Thank you for being here for me. You've made this past year of my life everything I ever wanted. You are the only reason I've made it this long, but I don't think I can hold on much longer."
"Stop Ranger, don't say things like that." My eyes were stinging with unshed tears. "You have plenty of time left."
He gave me a sad smile and hugged me closer.
"I've left my will with my lawyer. He will contact you after..." Ranger paused, having a hard time saying the words. "I've left everything I own to you and Alex, and I've set up a college fund for him."
"Ranger, I don't want to hear this. Not yet." I never wanted to hear this. Ever.
"Steph, I need to know you'll be alright when I'm gone." he continued, and I prayed to God he would stop talking like this. "You are a great mother, and I know you'll raise Alex to be a wonderful boy." He paused and pressed a kiss to my forehead. "I love you Babe, thank you for loving me back."
I was openly crying now, salty tears silently running down my face.
"Why does this feel like goodbye?" I whispered in his arms.
Ranger kissed me tenderly, then turned his gaze to the sun disappearing below the sea.
That night we went to sleep together.
In the morning, only I woke up.
The End