So I haven't really written Robron yet and I feel like this scenario has kind of been done to death. But not by me so this is my take on a popular scene. I've set it now, could pretty much be today if we ignore the fact that Jacob may or may not have run off last night. I'm not quite sure how I feel about this, but it's done now so I hope someone out there likes it.
Aaron was doing better, he really was. The temptation to push himself, to punish himself was still there, he wasn't sure that was something that would ever truly go but for now it was in the background. Day by day things were better, he could see Robert without feeling like his heart was being torn from his chest. It still hurt, he still wanted him but he knew this was for the best, for the both of them. They were better off without each other. He told himself that every day and he was almost at the point where he believed it. Adam helped, his family helped and the days were getting easier.
Nights were a different matter though. Nightmares had always been a problem for him, they came in waves but the one thing that he could rely on when they were together was Robert helping him through them. When he woke in the middle of the night gasping or crying Robert would immediately know what to do to soothe his nerves, sometimes even waking him gently before the terror could really take hold. But now he was alone, he would wake up and feel like his heart was going to beat out of his chest. The images from his nightmares lingering for hours, prison, drowning, losing the people he loved and always no matter what, Gordon. He was there in all of them, sometimes just a voice but more often that not more. His memory dredging up every detail of what he'd done to him, playing it over and over in his mind. Things he remembered well and other things that he didn't know whether actually happened or if his own sick mind was creating them just to torture him some more. He would wake sweating and crying, unable to breath, sometimes he could still feel him, could feel himself being pinned down. More than once he had found himself half way across the room, desperately trying to get away from someone or something. But there was no one there, he was alone. It was both a relief and a burden. He almost never managed to get back to sleep on those nights.
Last night had been one of the worst. Lying here alone in this bed with the morning sun spilling across the sheets the details were fading, but even now hours after he had woken with a scream on his lips he still felt on edge, like all his senses were heightened. He just lay there staring at the ceiling his hand tracing the scars on his stomach, new and old, a few barely healed. But no new ones, not since he'd gotten back from Ireland. He glanced over at the clock on his nightstand and sighed. He really should get up and go to work, even though a part of him just wanted to roll over and curl up. He could just stay here forever, hidden away and then he wouldn't have to pretend today, wouldn't have to smile and show everyone how okay he was. He knew that wasn't an option though, if he stayed here Adam would come looking for him eventually, maybe even Cain. He knew he should be grateful for there concern but some days it was suffocating.
Anyway the bed stank, his sweat soaked nightmares had left the sheets smelling musty and foul. He got up with a sigh, stripping them off without thinking about the fact that Robert had picked these sheets out. Aaron couldn't have cared less what bedding they had but Robert had insisted that they have a thread count of at least 800, whatever that meant. They did remind him of some of the posh hotels Robert had taken him to when they had first started seeing each other and he secretly enjoyed how smooth they felt against his bare skin. He wondered if Rebecca had liked how they felt and then winced at his own self torture.
Shaking the thoughts off he headed into the shower. So what if he stood in there a little longer than was normal or if he let the water run a little hotter than was comfortable, it didn't mean anything. Just that he felt particularly dirty this morning, he couldn't seem to wash the feeling of unwelcome hands away. Even after he got out his skin felt foreign to him, too sensitive and strange.
He got dressed quickly and only added enough product to his hair to stop it looking wild, unlike when he used to gel it into submission. He ignored the voice telling him that Robert much preferred it like this, how much he liked running his hands through it. He didn't do it for him, not anymore.
He left the house locking the door behind him. He decided to stop in the cafe for some breakfast, for some reason not in any rush to be at the scrap yard. With Gordon's voice still ringing in his ear and the feel of his hands still lingering on his skin he felt the need to be around people. It probably wasn't a good idea to be alone right now. Not when he could just picture the stanley knife he kept in his desk draw. Maybe he would swing by the garage this morning see if Debbie needed a hand with anything, or a chat perhaps.
It wasn't that early, one of the many benefits of running your own business was the absence of a boss breathing down your neck about being late for work. Something both he and Adam took full advantage of. Maybe they shouldn't quite so much though, it was a wonder the business was doing so well considering how little time they spent there really.
The cafe was pretty full and he almost turned around and left without ordering anything. He might not want to be alone but he wasn't sure he could handle feeling this crowded either. Bob caught his eye before he could go anywhere and he gave him a warm smile and a wave. This would be okay.
"What can I get you?" Bob asked him wiping his hands on a teatowel.
"An Americano please Bob" Aaron told him, Robert wasn't the only one who drank them. Maybe he should order some food as well, it might ease the queasiness in his stomach. "And er some toast as well" he told the older man. He got his wallet out of his pocket to pay but he fumbled with it and almost dropped it. He hadn't even realised his hands were shaking until now.
"Everything all right?" Bob asked eyeing the five pound note that he was holding out to him, the paper flapping about slightly.
"Yeah rough night" Aaron tried to cover. "Really need that coffee you know" the joke fell felt flat and Bob didn't lose his concerned look.
"Wouldn't want to keep a man from his fix" Bob joked and Aaron tried to ignore the guilt that settled in his stomach. Bob was just talking about the coffee, hardly anyone knew about the spice. "Take a seat I'll bring it over" Bob told him taking the money. Aaron looked around for where to sit. Most of the tables were already taken up which just left the one nearest the counter. Leyla and Pete were sat at the next table over and he gave them a nod which they politely acknowledged. They seemed to be having a serious discussion about something so he didn't want to interrupt. He sat down in one of the bucket chairs facing the wall and took his phone out pretending to read something on there while he waited. He was disturbed to see that his hands were still shaking slightly. Last night's dream was still lingering at the edges of his consciousness and he had to make a real effort to try and shake it off.
"Hi Bob" Vic's voice came from behind him and he turned in his seat to see her stood at the till. "Can I get a Latte and an Americano please? Oh hi Aaron" she said noticing him sat there.
"Hi" he nodded in response.
"I heard about your dad's grave stone" Bob told her handing the first of her coffee's over. "How terrible".
"Yeah I still don't understand why someone would do that" Vic answered sadly. "Robert's outside on the phone now trying to sort something out".
"Well I hope you get it sorted" Bob handed her her other coffee and her change.
"Thanks Bob" Vic gave him a small smile and hobbled back out of the cafe. Aaron turned back round.
Leyla and Pete's conversation had gotten a little louder, Leyla seemed upset about something and despite himself he couldn't help over hearing.
"Do you think we should offer to pay for it?" she was asking Pete.
"Nah Robert's loaded, it'll be fine" Pete said in response. "Anyway the last thing Jacob needs is Robert knowing he was responsible". Aaron wasn't stupid, it was obvious what they were talking about, Jacob must have been responsible for the damage done to Jack's headstone. Still it was none of his business.
"I'm just so worried about him" Leyla said. "What if he does go to prison?"
"That's not going to happen" Pete reassured her. "The police are just trying to scare him".
"Yeah well it's working" Leyla sighed. "I know he should be punished but he's not a bad lad, he doesn't deserve this".
Aaron wasn't aware of when it happened. When Leyla's voice changed in his head. He'd heard those words before, years before and more recently, last night in his dreams. He could feel his dad's breath on his neck, his words echoing in his ear.
"You're such a bad lad, you deserve this, you have to be punished" the words whispered and he couldn't breath. A hand on his shoulder had him lashing out and he distantly heard the sound of something smashing but it was far away because he wasn't in the cafe anymore, he was twelve years old and his father was pinning him down and he couldn't breath. He just couldn't breath.
Robert finished the call with a sigh. It wasn't going to be cheap but at least it would be quick. He didn't want his father's headstone looking like that any longer than was necessary.
"Aaron's in there" Vic said putting his coffee down in front of him and taking the seat opposite. He'd offered to get the drinks and save her bad ankle but she had insisted he finish his call, just as eager as him to get this fixed.
"Oh, how did he look?" he couldn't help asking. Even if Aaron never wanted anything to do with him again he would always be worried about him, he didn't think that would ever go away. You couldn't switch off feelings that strong even if it seemed like Aaron was managing so far.
"Tired" Vic admitted. "A bit like you actually" she added.
"Yeah, well it's not easy" Robert admitted taking a sip from his coffee.
"I know..."Vic didn't get to finish what she was saying because just then the door to the cafe was flung open and a panicked looking Pete stood there.
"Robert, it's Aaron" that was all he needed to say. Robert was on his feet and half running into the cafe immediately.
The sight that met his eyes broke his heart. Aaron was sat hunched over, his shoulders shaking as he struggled to breath. Bob stood next to him, his eyes wide, a broken cup lay smashed on the floor at his feet. Leyla was sat on the seat next to Aaron, talking to him but Robert knew he wasn't listening, he wouldn't even be able to hear her. Everyone else in the cafe was watching what was happening. Normally that would annoy him but he only had eyes for Aaron right now.
"I don't know what happened" Bob was saying. "I just put my hand on his shoulder and he flipped out. I didn't mean to scare him".
"It's all right Bob, it's not your fault" Robert told him. Leyla got up and moved over to the other side so Robert could sit down next to his husband, ex husband he had to remind himself. He didn't reach out and touch him yet, trying to see what was happening with him first.
"Did he seem okay before this?" he asked without looking up.
"I noticed his hands were shaking when he paid and he said he'd not had a good night" Bob told him.
"Nightmares" Robert sighed. Aaron was always more on edge after a bad night, he felt bad that he hadn't been there to help him through it. He wondered just how bad they were for him to have gotten in this state. It had been a while since he had a full on panic attack like this one, at least that Robert was aware of. The thought that Aaron might have had a few of these without him there to look after him made him feel even more guilty. Guilty and sad.
"Can you get him a glass of water. When he comes out of it, he's usually really thirsty" Robert explained to Bob.
"Of course" Bob seemed glad to have something to do.
"He's had these before then?" Leyla asked, her eyes sad.
"Yeah, not always this bad though" Robert told her. He reached out his hand slowly and put it on the other man's knee. Aron didn't flinch like he thought he might, he didn't even seem to feel it.
Aaron's eyes were glazed over, whatever he was seeing, wherever he was, it wasn't the cafe. His breathing was laboured, erratic and Robert knew that if he didn't get him to calm down he might pass out soon.
"Aaron" he said the word softly, gently, in that voice that he only ever used with Aaron. He didn't care about anyone else, right now there was only the two of them. He put his hand up and placed it gently on the man's cheek, his thumb rubbing at the tears that were running down his face. It seemed to work a little, his breathing easing slightly.
"Aaron it's okay, it's Robert" he told him and Aaron's panicked eyes met his. He felt relieved but the words out of the younger man's mouth crushed that, because he hadn't come back to him yet. He was still lost in whatever horror he was trapped in.
"He's here" he whispered, his eyes darting around fearfully. "Don't let him get me" he pleaded.
"Who's he talking about?" Pete asked, his gruff voice reminding Robert that they weren't alone.
"Who do you think?" he snapped at him before turning his attention back to the terrified man in front of him. "He's not Aaron, it's okay" he tried to get through to him.
"Shhh" Aaron hissed. "He'll hear you. I'm going to be in so much trouble" he sobbed.
The door to the cafe opened and a man that Robert didn't recognise stood there looking at all of them in confusion.
"Sorry we're closed" Bob didn't give him chance to protest before gently pushing him out the door. He gestured to the other people in there as well, and one by one they left. Most of them looking shocked rather than angry. When it was just down to Aaron, Robert, Vic, Leyla and Pete, none of whom had any intention of leaving, Bob put the latch down on the door and turned the sign around to read closed.
Robert was only somewhat aware of this, his attention firmly fixed on Aaron.
"You're not in any trouble Aaron" Robert told him softly. "He's gone".
"No, no, no" Aaron was rocking slightly. Robert could feel the tremors that coursed through his body.
"Robert" Vic drew his attention to her and she looked down at him with wide eyes. "What do we do?" she asked him.
"We just have to wait for him to come out of it, he always does...eventually" he told her.
"I didn't know it was this bad" Pete said then.
"Why would you?" Robert snapped, but he felt a twinge of guilt, it wasn't Pete's fault. He knew they were just concerned, scared even. The first time he'd seen Aaron like this he'd been terrified. "And it isn't always, but he's been through a lot" he felt tears welling in his own eyes at the thought of just how much the man in front of him had had to endure. He hated himself for adding to that.
"Robert?" Aaron's voice was small and confused and Robert was quick to take his hand in his, grounding him in the here and now.
"Yeah it's me, I'm here" he told him.
"Gordon, he was here" Aaron said but Robert could see that he was confused by his own thoughts, his brow wrinkled.
"No he was never here" he told him.
"But...I...i heard him" he looked down at where his hand was clasped in Roberts. "I felt him" followed by a small sob.
"No, he's dead" Robert told him, like he'd told him a thousand times before, usually in the middle of the night, when he'd woken in fear, lost in his memories, trapped in nightmares where Gordon would never die, where he got to live forever. But not now, not it the light of day, he wasn't allowed to be here, it wasn't fair.
"He is?" Aaron sounded so young and sad.
"Yeah, he can't hurt you anymore" Robert told him but Aaron just shook his head.
"Yeah he can" his voice cracked half way through the words and Robert heard a small sob from Leyla. He pulled Aaron into his arms. He didn't care that they weren't together anymore, he didn't care that any minute Aaron would probably come to his senses and push him away. He only cared that the man he loved was hurting. Over his shoulder he saw Pete put his arm around Leyla and pull her to his side in comfort.
He felt it, the moment Aaron finally came back to himself. He felt him stiffen in his arms, the self conscious clearing of his throat. He was tempted to keep holding on, now that he had him in his arms he really didn't want to let go, but this wasn't about what he wanted. This was about what Aaron needed. He pulled back hesitantly, worried about what he might see on the younger man's face, scared that he would be angry but he was greeted with a small smile and a nod of gratitude.
Aaron glanced around at the people there, his eyes darting between all of them, not meeting anyone's eye.
"Well this is embarrassing" he said with a hoarse voice, before clearing it again.
"Here" Bob said holding out the glass of water that Robert had told him to have ready.
"Er thanks" Aaron said taking it. His hand shook though and some of the water spilled onto his jeans. "Shit" he said wiping at the stain before bring the glass to his lips and gulping it down like a man who had been lost in the desert.
"Easy" Robert said "You'll make yourself sick". Aaron frowned at him and Robert though he might say something sarcastic in response but he stayed quiet.
"Are you okay?" Leyla asked reaching out to take the empty glass off him and put it on the table.
"Erm yeah, sorry about this. I er..."
"Don't" she shook her head at him. "Don't apologise".
He bit his bottom lip and nodded but Robert could tell he still felt incredibly uncomfortable.
"Let's get you home" Vic said squeezing his shoulder. "I'll let Adam know you won't be in to work today".
"No I should..." Aaron started to protest but Vic was having none of it.
"No. You're going home" she told him and Aaron knew better than to argue.
Robert wasn't sure who decided what was going to happen next but somehow here he was opening the door to the Mill while Aaron and his sister watched. It was still weird to think that this wasn't his home anymore, he felt like he was intruding and when Aaron was safely sat on the sofa he waited at the door for his sister, so they could leave. Aaron looked exhausted and he always needed to sleep after one of these incidents. It was best if they left him alone to get some rest.
"You going to be okay?" Vic asked running a hand through her friend's hair. He grimaced and pulled away from her, but he did smile afterwards.
"Yeah thanks" he said to her, but he was looking straight at Robert, he got the feeling there was something he wanted to say. But when he didn't Robert opened the door for them both to leave.
"Robert" Aaron called to him and he turned back with his eyebrows raised in question. "Would you...would you stay?" Vic looked at him wide eyed. "Just till I fall asleep" he sounded so unsure of himself.
"Of course" he said without hesitation.
Vic looked between the two of them with a glint in her eye.
Robert glared at her and she backed off with her hands raised in surrender.
"Be careful" she whispered to him as he shut the door and he didn't know whether she meant he should be careful with Aaron or with his own heart.
He walked over and sat down on the armchair, neither of them said a word. Aaron had his head resting on the back of the sofa his eyes struggling to stay open. Strangely Robert's own eyes started to feel heavy too. He could feel himself drifting off, he hadn't slept well in weeks, but here in familiar surroundings, next to the man he loved he felt relaxed in a way he hadn't in a long while.
He wasn't stupid. He knew better than to get his hopes up, but the fact that Aaron was willing to admit that he needed him right now was good. He would take what he could get, but he wasn't going to take advantage. For now this was enough, just this.