It was raining. It had been raining for the last two hours of the trip up to southwest Oregon and Sirius was completely over it. This was stupid. What were they even doing? Oh, he knew what they were doing. Satisfying some stupid crush James had. James Potter was a hopeless romantic and Sirius found strange and sort of appalling.
Everything was an adventure to James. Life often seemed like it was one big game to him. He wasn't exactly a thrill seeker but he had an impulsive and playful streak. The truth was, that was exactly what drew Sirius to James in the first place.
James had been kicked out of one private school and ended up in the same school as Sirius. Sirius had already figured out he was trans and after coming out to his best friend, Sarah, who subsequently abandoned him, so he was in the market for a new best friend. James Potter qualified perfectly.
Sirius was still forced to use his deadname back then. His school would've accepted his gender. They were never the problem. The problem were his bigoted family. The summer when he turned fourteen, he cut off all his hair. Sirius liked having long hair but he thought it was something easy he could do, the subtlest of clues.
The name Sirius had been obvious. Sirius was the brightest star in the sky and his family had a thing about star names. He couldn't use it officially but he could introduce himself as such to new people, like James Potter, which is exactly what he did on the day they met, the first day of high school.
James Potter was tall, charismatic and very handsome. He wore glasses but wasn't really the nerdy type. Sirius thought that if he were the sort of person to have interest in romance he probably would've fallen for James Potter on the spot. Damn good thing he didn't, seeing as James was straight.
They got detention that week. They got caught skipping class. It was the sort of thing Sirius had fantasized about many times before but had always been afraid to do. His parents didn't doll out punishments lightly. But James made it feel so easy and it felt good to misbehave. It felt good to do something he knew would piss off his parents, even if the consequences could be severe.
James Potter wasn't a wild child or anything. He smoked pot from time to time but didn't go to parties or get drunk. He liked playing video games and getting angry at trolls on the internet. He watched anime and rambled endlessly about them at lunchtime while Sirius sat there confused.
Sirius came out to James during one of those long rambles. James had been talking about some trans characters in anime and Sirius couldn't resist the opportunity. James had just smiled and thanked him for sharing. And that was that. James accepted him wholly and never misgendered him. And best of all: nothing changed between them.
The only thing James cared about in school was soccer… until his back injury. That had been physically and emotionally rough on him. Whatever drive he had to perform well in school ended, leading him to only putting in the bare minimum of effort.
In the meantime, Sirius's home life only grew more dreadful. Everything was falling apart. His brother, Regulus, kept disappearing. His mother resisted all his attempts to present himself in a more masculine way and called him names that still haunted his dreams.
His parents mostly kept their hands off his friendship with James Potter… at first. They knew who his parents were. They were well-to-do and his parents naturally assumed Sirius was dating James. But he still saw the way his mother sneered at James and James saw it too.
Sirius had apologized for his mother's racism but James said he was used to it. White people always treated him different, even if they weren't outright bigots like Sirius's mother. Sirius felt bad that he had never thought about it. All his friends had always been white, not because of choice but by circumstance. He learned a lot about privilege and the many angles of oppression thanks to James.
Christmas of 2010, one of Sirius's relatives outed him to his parents. He didn't know who. He didn't even know who knew. His cousin Andromeda knew but she would never do that to him. He suspected it was one of her sisters, Bellatrix or Narcissa, but he couldn't be sure.
That was the breaking point. His mother waged a war against his gender, wanting to destroy any clothing that could be seen as masculine. She threatened to toss him onto the street. Sirius had never been so scared. Something about her suggested that she would either burn the impurities from his soul or leave him to die.
Sirius cut and ran, taking what little he could to the Potters, who promised to protect him as best they could. His parents didn't fight for him. He just got nasty texts and emails from his mother condemning him. Eventually that stopped, though he got a new phone anyway.
The Potters promised to do whatever they could to protect him. They helped him get emancipated. They bought him clothes. They helped him get on hormones.
Sirius got a part-time job and tried to take school a bit more seriously. James… well, James had still wanted to have fun. He was graduating with Sirius but only barely. Sirius had felt embolden by separating himself, physically and legally from his parents.
And now they were pulling up to a rainy seaside restaurant to meet up with a friend James made online, who happened to live in the same town as a girl he met online. They'd be meeting her the next day.
"Here we go," James said, with a sideways grin at Sirius.
"Yeah," Sirius said, trying not to sound too unhappy.
Sirius thought this was all ridiculous. They could go anywhere. They could attend a proper university on the other side of the country. He was fully in favor of getting away from his parents but moving to some resort town on the Oregon coast seemed so random.
But it didn't to James Potter. James liked the idea that it was so damned random. He liked that they wouldn't be near a major city. Mostly… it was probably the girl. Women were James Potter's greatest weakness. He was pretty shameless when he liked a girl, willing to do the most ridiculous things to impress them… like moving to a town they lived to attend some random community college.
Sirius remembered Obi-wan's words to Han Solo in Star Wars: Who's the bigger fool? The fool or the fool who follows him? Sirius was pretty sure he was the bigger fool, in that case.
They walked into the restaurant. A short and slightly chubby blond-haired man, waved at them. Peter Pettigrew was his name. His name sounded like something out of Jane Austen story, though he appeared nothing of the sort. He was a fan of one of the video games James loved, Sirius couldn't keep track of which one. He had looked at Peter's DeviantArt profile and thought he did some good work.
"Hi, I'm Peter," Peter said, shaking both their hands.
"Nice to meet you, Pete. Can I call you, Pete?" James asked.
"Sure. No one ever does, but I don't suppose I'd mind," Peter said.
A waitress came by and they ordered. Sirius got prawns, James got lobster and Peter got salmon. Over dinner they discussed the layout of the town, what things were like and what people had said about the school. They would need to apply soon if they were going to attend and move up there. The townhouse Pete lived in was soon going to have a couple of vacancies and he had already arranged for them to possibly take their places.
"It's mostly students… aside from me. I just moved in. Mom's place is kind of small. But I think I want a year off school before I start college," Peter said.
"That's fair," James said.
Sirius didn't exactly feel the same way. He wanted to get his life going as fast as he could. His real passion was photography but this community college certainly wouldn't help with that. Besides, he knew his art was never going to make him much money. But he didn't really know what the hell else he wanted to do with his life.
James wanted to design video games and was talking about majoring in computer science, at least for the two years they would be at this college before transferring credits to a proper university… hopefully.
After dinner, they shuffled off to a movie. Men in Black 3. It was that or Piranha 3DD, and while James seemed keen, Sirius and Peter protested. James couldn't believe Peter and Sirius had sided against him. Sirius sort of couldn't believe it either but found that he liked Peter.
From what Sirius had gathered, Peter didn't really have many friends. He seemed both quiet and desperate for approval. He could rotate from self-deprecation to self-promotion very quickly. Sirius did make sure to praise his art, even if he didn't really get any of the context.
After the movie he and James headed to their hotel. Sirius wasn't really looking forward to meeting James's new girlfriend or whatever she was, but he supposed he would manage. The weather said it would be a nice day. Maybe that would help.
Charity Burbage was insufferable, as far as Sirius was concerned. Oh, there was nothing wrong with her. She was adorable in fact. She was very short, with short curly brown hair, a bright smile and an infectious laugh. She seemed very smitten with James. But none of that stopped him from being irritated with her.
All day long she fawned over James, admired his every word, laughed at every other thing he said and… she was just so damn nice! What gave her the right to be so nice? No one was that nice. Not really.
She showed them around and took them to the beach. She was disappointed that they hadn't brought swim clothes and it turned out she was wearing her swimsuit underneath her clothes. She loved the beach and the sun. She explained how valuable it was to be ready to wear shorts on a sunny day, even if it was cool, which seemed ridiculous to Sirius who hated being cold.
"So what do you think?" James said, while Charity was in the restroom of the diner that they stopped in for lunch.
"The town is nice, I'll admit. Doesn't seem a bad place to live," Sirius admitted.
"No. Charity. What do you think about her?" James said.
Sirius considered his best friend's face. He looked pensive. His hazel eyes were giving him a hard stare, as if Sirius's answer really mattered.
"She's nice," Sirius answered honestly.
"Yeah. She's cute, isn't she?" James said.
"As a button," Sirius replied.
"The college looks all right, doesn't it?" James said.
"Yeah. I guess. I'm not exactly an expert," Sirius said.
"I don't know. Maybe this is stupid," James said.
Sirius did think it was sort of stupid but as the day had gone on he really was becoming enamored with the idea.
"I don't know. I think I'm becoming sold on it. It's not like I know what the fuck I'm planning on doing with my future. Maybe I'll major in history. It's pretty much the only subject I enjoy," Sirius said.
"What the hell would you do with a history degree?" James said with a sneer.
Sirius shrugged.
"I can do photography on the side," Sirius said.
"How can you photograph history? What are you going to go do?Go off and photograph archaeologists having an adventure in a mummy's tomb or something?" James said with a chuckle.
"Archaeology doesn't work like that! And no. I'm an artist," Sirius said firmly.
Charity returned from the restroom and sat back down.
"What's up? Do you guys like the town? It's gonna be like this all summer. Might get a little hotter, I guess. But I love lounging around the beach. Nothing like an ocean breeze on a hot day," Charity said rapid-fire, with an enthusiasm Sirius knew he could never match.
"Sirius likes the town. I think I do too," James said with a grin.
Charity wore a golden cross necklace that hung down to her cleavage. Sirius found himself distracted by how shiny it was but worried Charity would get the wrong idea. She was the upbeat sort of Christian, all about peace, love and acceptance, just like James. Sirius's family had been the darker sort of Christianity, fueled by bigotry and a fear of hell. It had put Sirius off religion in a big way. He supposed he was an atheist, though mostly he just didn't care.
"Cool," Charity said, her brown eyes wide with obvious attraction for James Potter.
"I guess we should look at Peter's place," James said and pulled out his phone, presumably to text Peter.
A short time later they pulled up to the townhouse. It was two-story and both sides were quite large and had their own driveways. It didn't seem terribly nice but Sirius couldn't afford much even if James could.
"I wish I could move you guys in. My roommate has been saying she'll move out for two years but it never happens," Charity complained.
Charity was twenty-one and starting college in the fall. After dropping out of high school she had only gotten her GED the year before. Sirius wondered if James was going to fall in love with her and eventually follow her off to whatever university she wanted to go to. Sirius wondered if he would follow or chose his own path. The idea of being away from James made him sad, and he banished these thoughts.
"Hey," Peter said as he went outside.
An older woman followed behind him. She was blonde and middle aged with a big smile. There were a lot of big smiles around there.
"Hello, there. I hear you're in the market for a couple of rooms," she said, looking between the three of them.
"Just me and Sirius," James said, gesturing at Sirius.
"That's fine. I don't rent to couples, though it's OK if someone spends the night here and there. I'm Olivia," she said, shaking everyone's hands.
Olivia and Peter showed them the place. The place had been built in the eighties, though it had seen significant renovations since then. Sirius counted seven people who lived there, four college students, Peter, Olivia and her teenaged daughter. Two of the college students were moving out in a few days. James brought Sirius outside to talk.
"Do we want to do this?" James said.
"Do you want to do this?" Sirius countered.
"Yeah. I think it could be fun. It's a resort town. It'll be like being on vacation all the time. And we've already got some friends. Peter and Charity seem all right," James said.
"I'd wager Charity thinks you're more than all right," Sirius said with a sideways glance.
"Really? I barely know her. I mean… we've chatted a little online but she's three years older than me. What does she need with a guy who just got out of high school?" James said.
"You're a babe," Sirius said with a grin.
James laughed and shook his head.
"Thanks? Anyhow… I don't know how I feel about her. I'm not doing this for her. I just think… I don't know. It's different. Away from the city. A quieter life. Furthering our education but not too intense. We can have some fun and you won't have to worry about your family," James said.
"You make some good points. OK. Fuck it. Let's do this," Sirius said.
"God. We haven't even applied to this college," James said.
"It's just a community college. Not like we're going to get rejected," Sirius said.
"True," James said, and pulled out his wallet, rifling through bills.
"Shit. Did you get that money out ahead of time?" Sirius said.
"Yeah. Just in case. I asked Pete how much the rent was for the two rooms," James said.
"I've got money. You don't have to pay for me," Sirius protested.
"You can pay me back," James said, though Sirius knew James well enough that he wasn't exactly going to be begging for the money back.
The two of them walked back into the house, Sirius too excited at that moment to allow himself to wonder if this was a mistake.
Even though they had paid rent for a full month, they still didn't move north until after graduation. Before they could move there was one lingering thread that Sirius didn't want to leave hanging: his brother, Regulus.
He wasn't even sure how Regs had got his new number, but however he did, Sirius got a couple of texts from him asking to meet up. Regulus had apparently also moved out of home, living with a couple of older guys in Haight-Ashbury.
He found Regs sitting on park bench, smoking a cigarette. He looked like shit. His pale skin looked sickly and he looked impossibly thin.
"Regs… are you all right?" Sirius asked.
"Sure," Regulus answered, looking away.
His dark hair had really grown out, now quite long though it looked like it needed a good washing and brushing. Sirius sat down next to him. He wondered why he had wanted to meet in public and not at wherever he was living. Did he think Sirius wouldn't approve?
"So… how are things?" Sirius asked.
Regulus shrugged. He smelled of tobacco, marijuana and uncleanliness. It broke Sirius's heart.
"Fine. I just… I heard you were moving," Regulus said.
"How?" Sirius inquired.
"Andromeda. I begged her. I figured you would be taking off. To get away from mom and dad," Regulus said.
"How are they… mom and dad?" Sirius said, immediately regretting it.
"Mom's a bitch and dad's a dick. What else is there to know?" Regs sneered, taking a puff off his cigarette.
"Andromeda said dad isn't well," Sirius said.
"I guess. They can both rot," Regs said.
Sirius wondered what had happened to the sweet, polite boy he had once known. Regs had seemed the perfect son. It was like everything he had held in had finally exploded and this bitter shell was all that was left, not that Sirius disagreed when it came to their parents.
"So you're still… a boy or whatever?" Regulus asked.
"Yes," Sirius replied sharply.
"That's cool, I guess. Sirius is a cool name," Regulus said.
Regs grey eyes darted around. Everything about him seemed wrong.
"Regs… can I take your photograph? I… never really took that many of you before. I thought it might be nice to get one before I leave San Francisco."
Regulus nodded.
"Right here?" Regulus asked.
Sirius glanced behind them. The windows behind them said Drugstore in big letters. It wasn't open anymore but it seemed disturbingly appropriate given his brother's obvious poor condition. He knew his brother was on drugs. He wanted to ask but couldn't bring himself to.
"Stand against that window," Sirius suggested, pulling the camera out of its pouch, hanging from his neck.
"OK," Regs said and leaned against the window, beneath the words Drugstore.
Regs stared down the long hilly road, seeming genuinely lost as if he had instantly forgot he was posing for a photograph. He puffed on his cigarette and Sirius took the single photograph.
"Got it," Sirius said with a smile.
"Cool," Regs said.
"Listen… let me buy you lunch," Sirius said.
"Nah, that's OK. I just… wanted to say goodbye," Regulus said, sounding sad.
"I'm sure I'll be back to see you and Andromeda," Sirius said, patting his brother on the shoulder, not knowing if he would be comfortable with a hug.
"That'd be cool," Regulus said then turned and gave Sirius a hug.
Sirius pulled him tight, feeling crushed by the weakness of his brother's body. He wasn't OK.
"You should eat more, little brother. Stay in touch," Sirius said.
"I will, I will," Regs said, sounding more like he was telling himself than Sirius.
Sirius released Regulus. He took a few steps back then puffed on his cigarette. He nodded at Sirius while not really looking at Sirius and said, "See ya."
Regulus walked away and Sirius wondered when he would see him again.
Their first two weeks in the new town had not been all that fun. They hadn't been terrible but there were lots of things to take care in a short time, though James still found time for a date with Miss. Charity Burbage, who Sirius found more tolerable by the day, almost embarrassed by his previous dislike of her.
Sirius did get sucked into playing some video games with Peter which he found oddly exhilarating, if not utterly confusing. He found the lack of air conditioning maddening, even with numerous fans and the window open in his bedroom. He supposed it didn't make sense to have a/c in a place that spends a great deal of the year being fairly cool. On a hot day, he decided to take a walk. Even if it was hot outside, it still wasn't as awful as getting cooked in a stuffy room and there was that ocean breeze after all.
It was on that walk that he got the call. He didn't think much when he saw that it was Andromeda.
"Hey, Andromeda," Sirius answered.
"Sirius. Are you at home?" Andromeda asked.
She sounded upset. Something was wrong.
"No. I'm out for a walk. It's very sunny here," Sirius replied, nervous.
He heard Andromeda sigh.
"Sirius… It's your brother. It's Regulus," Andromeda said, sounding regretful.
Sirius felt himself go cold, like all the sunshine had suddenly been drained from the world.
"What happened?" Sirius said.
"He's had an overdose. Heroin," Andromeda said.
No, Sirius thought. This is bullshit. This isn't real.
"Sirius?" Andromeda said.
Sirius didn't know what to say. He felt like he was folding in on himself. He needed to sit down but he was on a sidewalk. He wasn't even sure where he was or how far from home he had gone. His eyes felt hot and he wanted to puke.
"Is he OK?" Sirius whimpered, feeling himself losing control.
"No, honey. I'm sorry. He's not OK," Andromeda said, starting to cry.
"Oh god," Sirius said, falling to his knees, clutching his phone in his hands.
A woman was jogging with her dog across the street. She glanced over at him momentarily, a casual observer to the breaking of his heart as he began to sob. He must've hung up at some point because his phone rang again.
"Hello," Sirius said.
"Are you OK? You should call James and have him pick you up," Andromeda said.
"I'll text him. Hang on," Sirius said.
He texted James, not bothering with correct grammar or punctuation.
"So… when is the funeral?" Sirius asked.
"Sirius… I'm so sorry. They already had the funeral," Andromeda apologized.
"What?" Sirius growled, suddenly filled with a mixture of pain and anger.
"I'm… I'm sorry. I only just found out today. They kept it out of the papers and didn't invite me. Even told my sisters not to tell me. But Narcissa finally caved in and confessed. They didn't tell me so that I wouldn't tell you. I'm… I'm so sorry," Andromeda said.
"So when the fuck did he die?" Sirius snarled, hot tears pouring down his cheeks.
Andromeda sighed again.
"The eighteenth," Andromeda said.
"The eighteenth but… I left town on the sixteenth," Sirius said.
Sirius felt ravaged in pain, feeling like his soul was being burned from his body. He remembered that day right before he left. How sickly his brother felt. He should've done something. He could've saved him. Made him get help. He could've insisted on seeing where he lived. He could've done… something.
"Sirius?" Andromeda said.
"I'm here," Sirius said.
A car door opened near him.
"Sirius," James said walking over to him.
"James," Sirius sobbed, wrapping his arms around his best friend's legs.
"What's the matter?" James said lowering himself, forcing Sirius to let go.
"My brother. My brother's… dead," Sirius said, hating how revolting that word sounded.
"God… Sirius," James said, his voice deep and soothing, clutching Sirius and letting him cry on his shoulder.
Eventually James helped Sirius get to his feet. Sirius said goodbye to Andromeda and promised to call her later once he was feeling less… whatever it was he was feeling now.
James drove him home in silence, Sirius feeling detached from reality, like everything was just a dream that he would wake up from. They went inside the townhouse. Peter was playing a game on the big screen TV while the teenager chatted with her friends at the dining table. Everything smelled like pot and it was hot as hell.
"Hey, Sirius," Peter said.
"Pete," Sirius said faintly, waving at him, just wanting to get to his room.
Sirius wanted everything and everyone just to go away. He wanted everything to be quiet so that he could be alone with his pain. But reality didn't bend to your will. The universe didn't care about your pain. Somewhere there was someone who was having the best day of their life while Sirius was having the worst day of his. But the universe didn't care. His pain was all just part of the natural order.
James led him to his bedroom. Sirius ran in and locked his door, not that anyone would ever barge in. He pulled off his shirt then removed his binder, just wanting to relieve the pressure. His window was still open. He pulled his shirt back on and fell onto his bed, turning away from the sunlight as he cried. He wished it was dark and cool. It felt like the sun and heat was mocking him, not wanting him to have his pain.
He cried and cried and cried. Even when it hurt he continued to cry. There were no thoughts, only pain. Eventually sunset came and his room began to cool, allowing him to drift off to sleep.
When he awoke the house was dark and silent. He closed his blinds but not his window. After rushing to the bathroom and back, he opened up his laptop. For reasons he didn't understand he opened up the photo he took of Regulus standing in front of the drugstore. He had chosen to post it online in black and white, just calling it Drugstore.
This is my fault, Sirius told himself. I could've done something. My fault. I saw it and I did nothing.
He knew those things weren't true but they felt true. It felt like somehow he had even killed him with the photograph. It was all that remained, like a tortured echo of a ghost. Regs was just a kid for fucks sake. This was bullshit. It wasn't fair.
Sirius closed his eyes. The universe doesn't care about fair. That's not how this works, Sirius. But how was he supposed to carry on? He didn't have the luxury of indifference. He had to live with this. He had to live with the memories, the regrets and the longing.
Sirius closed his laptop and stared up at the darkness of his ceiling. Perhaps, he deserved this. Maybe he did something and this was just payback. Or maybe it was something he would do. Maybe it was just who he was. Maybe he was a bad person. Don't be a selfish prick, Sirius. This isn't about you!
Sirius sighed. No… it was about Regs. But Regs didn't have to live with the pain of his death. Maybe he never knew. Sirius hoped his brother hadn't suffered. If nothing else, maybe he was spared the suffering. But he remembered the way his brother looked, forever captured in a photograph. No. He wasn't spared the suffering. His little brother hadn't done that to himself to make himself suffer but to escape the suffering. Trying to escape the suffering had killed him.
Sirius could feel himself growing tired. He wondered if he would feel better in the morning. Perhaps, he thought but he didn't think he deserved it. He deserved all of the pain and so much more. He swore that he would never stand idly by and let someone he loved destroy themselves again. But nothing would make up for Regs. Nothing.