A/N: Like my other Addams Family story, Show and Tell, this one is based off the 1960s TV series. They did make a Christmas episode, if I do recall correctly. This contradicts a few things from that episode, but I thought Christmas needed to be a bit more morbid for the Addams. Enjoy!
"Deck the halls with boughs of holly. Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!" sang Wednesday as she skipped down the steps.
"Wednesday, darling, would you please stop singing that dreadful song? Wherever did you here such a thing?" begged Morticia, who was sitting in her peacock chair as she knitted a sweater for Pugsley's octopus.
"At school, Mommy," Wednesday told her. "They made us sing carols. It's been stuck in my head all day."
"Poor dear," crooned Morticia, pulling Wednesday into her lap. "Well just have to find another song for you to sing…"
"Holly?" asked Gomez, who was trying out another Zen Yoga position across the living room. "Who ever heard of decking the halls with holly? Poison ivy would a much more suitable option."
"What a wonderful idea, Gomez, darling," Morticia smiled. "Wednesday, would you like to run along to the conservatory and get some?"
"Yes, Mommy," said Wednesday, hopping off her mother's lap and humming a funeral march on her way to the conservatory.
"Ah, nothing like the Christmas spirit," sighed Gomez. "Tish, could you hand me another cigar?"
"Of course, darling." She tossed one across the room into his waiting hands. "It's about time for lunch. I'll ring for Lurch." She stood up and pulled the rope to ring their gong-like bell.
"Deck the halls with boughs of holly. Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la," sang Lurch as he carried a tray of baked iguana sandwiches.
"Wednesday's gotten to Lurch as well, I see," mumbled Morticia. "Lurch, dear, we're decking the halls with poison ivy this year. Isn't that lovely?"
He moaned, shaking his head as he disappeared into the kitchen.
A moment later, the front door swung open. It was Uncle Fester and Pugsley, back from picking out a tree. It was a large, bare pine tree with only a few needles clinging to the lifeless branches.
"What a beautiful tree!" exclaimed Morticia, teetering over to examine it more closely. "It must have cost a fortune!"
"Actually, it was free," Uncle Fester told them. "When we asked the nice man how much it cost, he just looked at us like we were crazy and told us we could have it."
"Poor, deranged man," murmured Morticia. "It's so lovely it almost doesn't need decorating."
"But, Mother," contradicted Pugsley. "That's the fun part."
"Yes, dear. Of course we'll decorate it. Would you run along and get the snake skin garland and moth ball ornaments?" Morticia asked him.
"Mommy, I've gotten the poison ivy," announced Wednesday as she entered the living room, draped in armfuls of the plant.
"Lovely, darling. Lurch can help you hang it." Morticia clapped her hands together. "The house is looking gloomier by the second."
"Here, Mother," said Pugsley after returning a moment later, holding a large box. "I have the decorations."
"Gomez, darling, come help the children and me decorate the tree," called Morticia.
"You'd better not start with out Mama," Gomez warned. "You know how she got last time we did it without her. Couldn't get her to come out of her coffin for weeks."
Morticia reached up to grab the rope to ring the bell. Lurch appeared by her side a moment later. "You rang?"
"Lurch, dear, would you go find Mama and tell her we're decorating the tree. I believe she's down in the caves with the bats and Cousin Fungus."
Lurch headed down to the basement and through the (quite small) opening that led to the caves.
"Tree decorating-ating-ating," called Lurch as soon as he was through.
"Oh, they were going to start without me again-gain-gain?" answered Mama. "Let me turn off the echo-echo-echo."
She reached for the switch on the cave wall and pulled it down. "Now that's better. Cousin Fungus? Do you want to help decorate the tree?"
There was no response.
Mama shrugged her shoulders. "I'll take that as a 'no.'"
Back in the living room, the rest of the family had begun to sort through the decorations.
"What a lovely wreath!" exclaimed Morticia, lifting a twisted thorny thing out of the box. "I'll have to hang it on the front door.
"Grandmama, come help us with the tree," called Wednesday, waving for Mama to come over.
"What a beautiful tree!" exclaimed Mama, helping the children wrap the snake skin garland through the withered branches. "Who picked it out?"
"Uncle Fester and I did," Pugsley beamed.
"Look, Mommy," exclaimed Wednesday, pulling some cob webs out of the empty box. "Wouldn't these look lovely on the tree?"
"What a lovely idea, Wednesday, dear. So resourceful of you. Let me help you hang them."
The family stepped back to admire the tree.
"It's missing something," Morticia mused, scrutinizing the morbid tree.
Thing poked his fingers out of his box. He held a shrunken head.
"Why thank you, Thing." Morticia took the shrunken head and placed it on top of the tree. "What a perfect tree topper."
"Ah, yes," agreed Gomez. "A gift from the family doctor, Dr. Mbogo. He really does have a way with presents."
Meanwhile, a group of carolers approached the Addams' mansion.
"What a gloomy house," stated one, a plump middle aged woman. "They haven't even put any Christmas lights up."
"Yes," agreed another, a boney elderly woman. "Let's do sing a song to cheer them up."
They broke into song. "We wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish you a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!"
"Oh look, we have carolers!" exclaimed Morticia. "What is that awful song they're singing?"
Uncle Fester grumpily covered his ears. "What a dreadful song! Can I shoot them in the back?"
"Now Uncle Fester," explained Morticia, patting him on the shoulder. "Shooting them in the front would be much nicer. It would be a more direct hit."
"But what fun is that? I like to sneak up from behind," Uncle Fester said.
"Well, someone had better do something fast," Gomez added his input, "before that dreadful song gets stuck in all of our heads."
Sure enough, Wednesday was beginning to hum the carol.
"Why don't we invite them in?" suggested Mama. "And show them the real way to celebrate Christmas."
"What a lovely idea, Mama," Morticia smiled.
"Mommy, I'll go and ask them in," offered Wednesday, disappearing out the door into the bleak winter night.
"Hello," said Wednesday as soon as she reached the gate.
"Why hello, little one," said one of the carolers, a young blonde woman with pink, rosy cheeks. Wednesday shuddered slightly at the radiant sight of her.
"Mommy sent me out to invite you in. We've made extra refreshments," Wednesday told them.
"How lovely!" exclaimed the plump caroler. She turned to her other two companions. "Let's do go in."
The other two nodded in agreement and followed Wednesday up the winding path that led to the front door. The gate slammed loudly as soon as they all had entered, causing the three women to jump.
"This house gives me the creeps," murmured the rosy blonde woman.
"Now, Elizabeth," warned the plump woman, who seemed to be the leader of the three. "We'd best be kind. They are offering us their hospitality."
"Yes, Martha," Elizabeth sighed as they entered through the front door.
"Thing will take your coats," Wednesday told them.
"Thing?" questioned the older woman, just as the disembodied hand reached out to take their coats. She let out a shriek.
"Ruth!" hissed Martha, who had not yet seen Thing. "You're being rude."
Morticia teetered over toward them. "Welcome to our home. I am Morticia Addams, and this is my husband, Gomez." Gomez joined her.
Martha took the initiative to introduce herself and her fellow carolers. "I'm Martha, this is Ruth and this is Elizabeth."
Gomez invited them into the living room. "Come sit down. We'll have Lurch bring the refreshments." He rang the bell.
"Oh!" exclaimed Elizabeth, steadying herself.
They followed the Addams into the living room just as Lurch brought in the refreshments.
"Have one of these cookies," offered Wednesday. "I helped Grandmama make them."
"How sweet!" exclaimed Martha. But her face fell as soon as Lurch carried over the tray. From what she could tell, they were the remains of gingerbread men. Each one was missing a head.
"What happened to the heads?" Ruth managed to sputter.
"I cut them all off. Just like my doll, Marie Antoinette," Wednesday told her, making a slitting noise as she ran her finger across the base of her neck.
"Isn't my little Wednesday clever?" Morticia beamed.
"Those buttons don't look like they're made out of gum drops," Elizabeth noticed, warily eyeing the cookies.
"Of course not!" exclaimed Mama. "They're newts' eyes. What else would I use?"
Elizabeth inwardly gagged. "I'm afraid I'm allergic to newts' eyes…"
"What a shame," murmured Morticia. "Maybe you'll find our henbane cocoa more to your taste?"
"Are these people for real?" Elizabeth whispered to Martha.
"I'm beginning to think it was a mistake to come in…" murmured Martha.
"You think?" Elizabeth snorted. "Let's get out of here…"
"We really do need to be going now," Martha told the Addams. "Thank you for your hospitality."
"Surely you don't have to leave just yet?" asked Morticia. "The fun hasn't even started yet."
"That's what I was afraid of," muttered Ruth.
"It's about time for our annual gift exchange," Gomez announced. "I think we have a few extra gifts lying around here."
"Oh, really you don't have to…" begged Elizabeth.
"Nonsense," Gomez responded, handing them each box wrapped in black ribbon. "We insist. Now open up."
Martha opened hers first. It was a bottle with a murky looking liquid in it.
"Ah," Morticia smiled. "My favorite brand of perfume. Use it well."
Elizabeth was next. Hers was a brown sweater with three arms.
"Do try it on," insisted Morticia.
Elizabeth smiled politely as she pulled the sweater over her head. She stared incredulously at the third arm.
"Oh dear," said Morticia, walking toward her. "I think that one was meant for Cousin Imar."
She pulled at the third sleeve, pondering what to do with it. After a moment, a smile crossed her face. "I've got it!" She wrapped the third sleeve around Elizabeth's neck. "Now it can double as a scarf."
"Querida, how clever of you," Gomez told her.
"Merci, mon cher," purred Morticia.
"Tish, that's French!" His arms slid around her waist as her fervently began to kiss the back of her neck.
"Oh my," muttered Ruth, who still hadn't opened her gift.
"Darling, we have guests," Morticia reminded Gomez.
"Oh yes." Gomez managed to pull himself away.
"Ruth, you still haven't opened your present," Morticia told the elderly women.
"Well, yes…" she trailed off.
"Well, open it!" Uncle Fester exclaimed. "I just love seeing what everyone gets."
Ruth carefully untied the ribbon and opened the lid. As soon as she did, a loud explosion erupted from the box. She let out a howl.
"Dear Pugsley must've wrapped that one," Morticia smiled broadly. "He does have a way with explosives…"
A moment later, thunder rumbled ominously in the background.
"Ah, who would've thought?" Morticia smiled morbidly. "A thunderstorm on Christmas Eve! How lovely!"
Another flash of lightening illuminated the room. The lights flickered and then went out.
The three women screamed.
"Not to worry," Morticia stated calmly. "Uncle Fester…"
Across the room, a faint glow came from the light bulb in Uncle Fester's mouth.
"Is he really…" Martha trailed off, her eyes wide with surprise.
Uncle Fester smiled. "I'm one hundred and ten watts," he said proudly. "Comes in handy sometimes."
Elizabeth's jaw dropped open. She tugged nervously at Martha's skirt. "Let's get out of here," she whispered.
"We'd better be going," Martha announced loudly, rising out of her seat, the two other women following suit.
"Nonsense," protested Morticia. "You haven't had any dessert. Mama's made her famous dwarf's hair pie."
In a flash, the three women scrambled out the door.
"I wonder what go into them…" muttered Morticia. "Just when we were starting to have so much fun…"
"Some people just don't know how to properly enjoy the holidays," Gomez joined his wife by her side, puffing away at his cigar. "And just think, that leaves more dwarf's hair pie for the rest of us."
"You certainly know how to make the best of situation, mon cher," she whispered, stroking his face with her sharp nails.
"Cara mia." He began to trail kisses up her arm and down the length of her back.
Suddenly, the lights flickered back on.
"What a shame," mumbled Morticia. "Just as it was getting so dark and gloomy."
"What's that sound, Mother?" asked Pugsley, referring to the strange, shuffling noise coming from the chimney.
Wednesday ran to her mother's side and buried her face in her dress. "It's not Santa, is it?"
"Nonsense, Wednesday, dear. Santa doesn't exist," she told her distraught daughter, then added in an under tone to Gomez, "Does he?"
Gomez shrugged, opening his mouth to answer but was cut short by crash.
"That's not Santa!" exclaimed Pugsley as the ashy figure emerged from the fire place.
"By Jove, it's Cousin Itt!" exclaimed Gomez. "Nice of you to drop in, old man."
"What a lovely surprise!" Morticia smiled. "It really isn't Christmas without you, Itt."
"I have the dwarf's hair pie!" announced Mama. "It's just starting to mold along the crust."
"Just the way I like it!" said Uncle Fester.
"What a perfectly dreadful Christmas," purred Morticia. "It's a pity everyone has to ruin it with such joy and holiday cheer."
"Mommy, can you read us a story before we go to bed?" asked Wednesday.
"Of course, darling. I know the perfect one. That lovely one about Scrooge, what is it called, darling?" She turned to Gomez.
Gomez though for a minute. "A Christmas Carol or something dreadful like that. You'd better read the alternate ending Mama wrote for it. If I recall correctly, the original ends with 'good tidings and great cheer.'"
Morticia shuddered. "Gather round, children. Make yourselves comfortable. I'm going to tell you about the true meaning of Christmas."
"Oh goody," said Pugsley, sitting by his mother's feet.
"Yes, it's a shame more people don't go around hoarding their money and saying 'bah humbug,'" muttered Gomez.
"What a horrid Christmas," Uncle Fester muttered to Mama as the Morticia began to tell the twisted version of the Christmas classic. They both smilled. "I can't remember having one this horrible in years."