James Potter's Foolproof Guide to Wooing Witches
By James Potter
Dear Valued Customer:
Hello and congratulations! If you are reading this, you are probably a lonely, pathetically single wizard (or witch, I'm not discriminating here) in need of a little affection. Well, worry no more, for you have come to the right place. My name is James Potter and I am expert in the fields of advanced flirtation, skillful wooing, classical opera, and sexology. Yes, as the muggles would say, I have a Ph.D. in sexy. My refined mating techniques have never failed me, and now, they'll never fail you (unless you're hopelessly repulsive, in which case, perhaps you should see a healer for that, or invest in a better quality deodorant). I have for you ten optimal techniques to get your witch to notice you in all the right ways, all researched, developed, and tested on multiple subjects and then refined to perfection by yours truly. With these simple methods of seduction, you'll never not get laid again, and for only three simple payments of six galleons and two sickles plus owl shipment. You're welcome. So, without further ado, I present:
James Potter's Foolproof Guide to Wooing Witches
1. The most important thing is confidence. Women don't like men who are too overcome with their own insecurity to notice them.
"I can't stand that bloody James Potter!" Lily Evans cried for what seemed like the millionth time.
"Clearly," responded an exasperated Mary Macdonald tiredly. She had heard it before. "What has he done this time?"
"He's just so… Infuriating! Ruffling that stupid hair of his, showing off in front of those girls… That arrogant wanker!"
Just try to act suave around the ladies. It makes you seem sexier.
"Today," Lily continued, her frustration growing, "He charmed the ceiling in the Great Hall to spell out "James Potter loves Lily Evans" in fairy lights. Who the hell does that?"
Mary giggled. "That actually sounds quite romantic…"
"NOT YOU TOO!"
2. Fluff her ego. Then fluff your ego. Keep it positive. Just point out the things you like about her. Then point out things about you she should like back.
"Evans, you're looking quite ravishing today."
Lily rolled her eyes and returned to her book. It was Easter holidays and she had elected to stay at the castle to study. Unfortunately, the bespectacled git seemed to have had the same idea (minus the studying) and had not left her alone all week.
Start with some of the bigger things.
"You know Evans, you have gorgeous hair," James said smoothly. "It's beautiful, like the colour of the setting sun on a summer evening."
"Thank you. Now will you please leave me alone?"
James ignored her.
Then try to pinpoint some of the smaller things that most people don't pick up right away. Be unique. Take risks.
"You know what else, Evans? You have beautiful knees. I don't think I've ever seen such lovely knees on a witch, ever. Your whole skeletal structure is just flawless in general."
"What the hell, Potter?"
"And your teeth!" James continued. "Those are some damn fine pearly whites. They remind me of mine, they're just that straight and nice."
"Go away, Potter."
"I think we have a lot more in common than you think, Evans." James grinned at the now frustrated Lily. She slammed her book shut to lock him in an icy glare.
"I really don't think we do."
"Well, I think we do, and I can prove it to you."
"Humour me," she said through her teeth.
"Well," James explained breezily, "I have a truly amazing tongue, and I have a sneaking feeling that you do too, but the only way to really know is if –"
She'll love it.
But she was already gone.
3. Girls like to play hard to get. Prove to her that you are willing to chase her by pursuing her relentlessly when she's pretending she isn't into you.
"Evans?"
"What do you want, Potter?"
"Will you go out with me?"
"Potter. You have asked me every day this week. The answer is still no."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm sure."
"Okay. See you tomorrow."
4. Always make sure you look fantastic, but don't look like you're trying too hard.
"Padfoot, your hair gel is shit! Look what it's done to me!" James emerged from the bathroom. His hair looked wild and greasy, covered in a mysterious white cream. Locks of hair stuck out at every angle. James Potter looked like a clown.
The hair is the most important part. If your hair doesn't look soft and touchable, women won't want to shag you. If you're bald… Well, sorry.
The three marauders burst out laughing.
"Shut up!" James moaned.
"Prongs… Mate…" Sirius guffawed, gasping for breath. "That's Remus's… Foot cream!"
The three clean-haired boys erupted into fits of raucous laughter.
Style your hair in a way that makes you feel comfortable and is attractive. If you aren't blessed with wonderful hair like mine, invest in a good hair potion.
"Hey, Evans, will you go out with me?"
Silence.
"Evans?"
Lily stared at him.
"Is that a yes?"
Her face remained blank. Finally, she grinned wildly and began to giggle.
"What?" James snapped.
"What on Earth did you do to your hair?"
5. Be polite to her. Don't be a chivalrous dick about it.
"Hey, Evans."
The common room looked like a hurricane had torn through. Books, articles of clothing, cauldrons, and other miscellaneous items had been scattered across the floor, tables, and armchairs. Stacks of paper and some quills were littered on the mantle, and it seemed like the contents of Lily's bag had been emptied on to the ground.
"Not now, Potter," she snapped.
"Were you looking for this?"
She looked up, her face flushed and her hair wild. "Is that…?"
James held Lily's copy of Standard Book of Spells Grade 5.
"I found it on the table in the library. Thought you might be needing it for the homework."
Lily rose slowly and lightly took the book.
"Thank you. I owe you one."
"It's no problem."
James turned to leave, but Lily stopped him.
"James!"
"Hm?"
She paused.
"I never thought of you as the type to go to the library."
He didn't answer.
Just don't take her for granted. Respect her.
Lily was stressed. Transfiguration was almost over and she still had not managed to turn her cat into a footstool. It seemed McGonagall was about to come around and check on her. Something across the room caught her eye and she turned to see James watching her intently.
"What is it?" she whispered.
He approached her quickly and took her hand in his.
"Flick your wand more like this," he murmured, demonstrating a wand movement.
Before she could react, James had scurried back to his seat and there was McGonagall.
"Well, Miss Evans," McGonagall said sternly. "I do hope you can do better than Mr. Pettigrew here."
Lily's stare found Peter, who was sheepishly trying to fix his footstool, which had a tail and was covered in orange fur.
She gulped and tried the spell once more, but with Potter's corrections.
And that was the day she made up her mind to trust James Potter.
6. Be a friend. Sometimes friendship starts small, but that just means there's room to grow.
"Lily!" Remus called.
It was a warm, sunny Saturday in the castle. The first days of spring had begun to grace Hogwarts with their presence, and the last of the snow had finally melted. She turned to see Remus and James coming up behind her in the corridor.
"Remus, James," she greeted warmly.
Make time for her, but not too much time. Don't look desperate. And don't hog her. Sometimes getting her in a small group can be highly beneficial.
"Are you doing anything this afternoon?" Remus asked.
"Nothing important." Lily shrugged. To be quite honest, she had no plans. She had thought she might just sit by the library window and study. Alice had a date, and Mary was helping her brother with his charms homework.
"Well, we're all going to the lake after lunch." Lily didn't have to ask who would be there. "You're welcome to join us."
It definitely sounded better than an afternoon in the library. A smile crept across her face.
"I would love that," she said.
"Great!" Remus said with a smile. "We'll see you then."
Time with her is always worth it.
Lily couldn't help but notice the grin on James Potter's face as the two boys turned to leave.
7. Be there for her in her time of need.
The astronomy tower was particularly beautiful at dusk, when the sky hadn't quite decided whether it was nighttime yet. The horizon glowed orange and deep purple over the Forbidden Forest and James felt like he could see for miles. After a moment's silence, he felt Lily shaking – when he looked over, he could see that she was very pale and shivering.
"Here, let me give you my cloak," he murmured. She didn't object. Even with her tearstained face and puffy eyes, James thought she looked beautiful. Silence was comfortable with her. She took his hand and rested her head on his shoulder.
"Thanks for listening," she whispered.
He squeezed her hand. "Any time," he replied gently, and he meant it.
8. Make an effort to include her. Her opinion of your friends can make or break your budding relationship.
Evans,
Happy summer! Hope your first week home has been peachy and "Petunia and the Whale" are leaving you be. We're celebrating Pete's birthday tonight – the last of us to turn seventeen! To commemorate the occasion, we (Sirius, Remus, Peter, and I) are having a little party chez Potter and would love it if you would come.
Cheers,
JP
It can be a good segue into some one-on-one time.
Potter,
I had a great time last night. Thanks for inviting me! It's really nice to get out of the house. Petunia is going absolutely crazy with her wedding plans. I'm still a little offended I won't be in the wedding.
There's a new nightclub opening up in Diagon Alley next Saturday. You've probably heard. It sounds fun. You should come. Bring whomever you'd like, of course.
Let me know,
Lily
Evans,
See you at seven.
James
9. This is where you have to try and put your feelings aside for the sake of your future relationship.
"So," Petunia said conversationally, "Mum tells me you couldn't secure a date for our wedding."
The horse-like woman sat at the kitchen table, flipping through bridal magazines. Lily washed dishes the muggle way. She hoped if she didn't say anything, her sister would stop talking as well, but unfortunately, such was not the case.
"You know, soon I'll be all settled down and you'll still be single."
Shut up Lily, shut up Lily, shut up Lily…
"Hope that's not too lonely a feeling, sitting at your sister's wedding with no date."
"Actually," Lily interrupted in spite of herself, "I was thinking of bringing my boyfriend."
That stopped both sisters in their tracks.
"B-Boyfriend?" Petunia sputtered.
"Yes, I had decided to do the wedding alone so as to not overshadow you on your big day and all, but I thought it might be a good opportunity to introduce him to Mum, Dad, and Vernon." Even Lily was not quite sure where all this was coming from. She could practically feel Petunia seething behind her back.
"Does this mystery boy have a name?"
"Yes." Lily reprimanded herself internally for what she was about to say. "His name is James Potter, and he's a perfectly respectable bloke."
Damn.
(Although at this point, the friendship alone is pretty exciting.)
"Thank you so much for doing this," Lily said quietly, hugging James.
All he could manage was a distracted, "sure," as he seemed to be frozen in his place, mouth agape. He hadn't said a word since Lily had appeared at the top of the staircase in that long green dress. It hugged her curves so softly, so delicately. It brought out her eyes in a way he didn't think possible. He was awestruck.
He was in love.
10. Then, when the time is right, make your move. Cautiously.
"It's never been so warm on Halloween," Lily observed. After the feast, her and James had snuck away to spend some time under the great oak tree by the lake.
"True," James agreed. "I can't believe this is our last Halloween at Hogwarts."
"Soon we'll all have a nine-to-five job, kids, a picket fence, and an apple tree."
"Soon we'll be grey and wrinkly," James remarked, and they shared a chuckle. After a momentary pause, he added: "Is that really what you want after Hogwarts?"
"What, the nine-to-five and the picket fence?"
"Yeah."
She thought about it for a second, and then said, "I mean, I used to think so. That's the way I was brought up, you know? We had a traditional family household. Mom and dad, big sister, little sister, a cat. But I don't know now. I mean, things have changed a lot. And now, with dad gone… I just don't know."
She paused again.
"I do know one thing, though. I want to fight."
As she looked over at him he realized that they had grown incredibly close; she was right up against him, their legs touching and their fingers interlaced. His eyes flitted down to her lips and back up to those green, green eyes. And that was it.
Finally their lips met, and he ran his hand through her hair, and it felt absolutely right, as though nothing could touch them, as though there were no Voldemort, no Hogwarts, no nothing. It was just the two of them together, in that moment. Maybe there would be things to worry about in the future. Maybe he still had a paper due for potions class and maybe his mother was still terminally sick and maybe he still didn't know what his plan was post-Hogwarts. But it didn't matter. In that moment he was kissing Lily Evans, and it was just the two of them, and the world didn't exist.
And that, my friends, is how to woo your woman. My book will be coming to Flourish and Blotts on August 15th! Make sure to pre-order your signed copy. As well, do yourself a favour and subscribe to my Witch Weekly column where I give great relationship advice.
Happy witch hunting! (You know what I mean.)
Author's Note: Ending's a little tacky and sentimental. I get like that at this time of night.
Hope you liked it as much as I like reviews. :)
(Also... I'm hoping to do a Next Gen WIP based on Scorpius, Albus, and Rose. Let me know whether that sounds good.)