Ask Kanaya when it had started and she wouldn't be able to give an answer –14, when all her friends had boyfriends and she waited for hers to come along; 15, when summer taught her that she would never want one; 16, when Rose had walked over to her table and talked to her in haughty tones for half an hour every day until they grew closer than two peas in a pod; 17, when she woke up from her first dream of the two together and realised she'd have to spend the whole year living with that; two days later, when she realised that she didn't want to live with the dream but with the reality; or the summer of her 18th year when Rose invited her to spend two weeks in the back-end of beyond learning the classical language of her choice.
If it had been anyone but Rose, she would have declined. Kanaya traditionally spent all summer working so as not to depend on her parents for money too much, and with university around the corner she hardly deemed it appropriate to spend all that money for something she's not even that interested in, but Rose turned on the pleading – will be all by myself; such a large journey alone; she'll help pay – and then Kanaya could hardly decline.
Well, she could, but she didn't. She didn't factor in how hard it would be to be in direct close proximity with Rose for two weeks (as if it wasn't hard already), she didn't factor in how difficult it would be (languages are not her thing – fabric is), she didn't factor in the cost too much (Rose's family is filthy rich, the worst kind in that she doesn't even notice it), she just accepts. She sends in all the forms, buys all the preparatory books, wonders briefly how this will ever help her and then decides to go for it anyway.
It's Rose after all – she has never been able to deny Rose anything.
As if Rose would do the same for her.
It's not her fault, really it isn't. For all her other accomplishments, Rose is no mind-reader, and Kanaya is in control of herself enough to not go completely crazy around her. The two talk just as much online as face-to-face and if it's easier to play around more, easier to hide her truth in her games, well, who could blame her – if some part of her still dreams that one day Rose will read the signals and take the initiative right out of her hands, well, who could blame her. It's not like she dreams of Rose night in, night out, not as if she spends every day both afraid and excited for every minute in her presence – no really she isn't; the two make good, dignified friends and she controls herself around her just fine, no more nervous or overbearing than she should be.
It's just that she has a massive crush on the girl.
It's just that she'd do anything for her.
It's just that she has.
It's just that she's wasting time and money travelling across the country with the girl of her dreams to spend two weeks rooming with her and trying to learn a language she'd never read before while spending every night dreaming of being in the other bed.
She hides it well.