To avoid misunderstandings concerning plagiarism – I posted this story on another site under the name of 'Genner'.

My dearest T,

we have been friends for as long as I can remember, I don't even know how many years we spent together. People would always find us a strange item because of our differences; they were always surprised when they found out how close we are. You have always meant everything to me, you were the one constant factor in my turbulent life.

We have been through so much together, there isn't a milestone in every person's life that we didn't go through together, every milestone was marked by the other's presence.
You were there for me when my mom left. I don't remember very much of that, we were still little kids, but I remember your arms around me and your soothing voice.

I was always welcome at your warm home when I was alone or when Melvin was being unreasonable. You sometimes stayed at my place for a week if your mom was being overprotective again, smothering you, not giving you any privacy.

We went to primary school together and we both hated Dickie Jackson because he thought he meant the world. We would make fun of him, we even made a song about how silly he really was. We built camps and made plans and we promised each other we'd stay together forever and we'd always be each other's 'bestest' friend.

We went to high school together, keeping our promise, and you told me about your first love. You also came to me when he broke your heart, for which I will never forgive him (and I hope he still feels it in his balls), but you did not ignore me during those blissful months that you were a couple (well, to you they were).

We did so much mischief, we lied for each other and we would always confirm one another's story. Teachers would always ask you if I had indeed been somewhere because they knew how likely it was that you knew. Or they didn't, because they knew you'd have my back.

I told you about my feelings for women and how scared I was, but you didn't drop me. It was the greatest relief in my life. Later you told me you felt the same thing, only you were also interested in men. We went to college together, but we didn't see each other as much because of our different classes and different schedules. I remember we'd call each other all the time and it really hurt not to spend as much time together. We couldn't imagine what would have happened if one of us hadn't got into Yale. It would have been a disaster.

Your dad died when you were 21 and I was there for you. I didn't know what it was like to have a loving and caring dad like yours, but I knew him and he was my second father, as your entire family was my second family.

We both got our lives, but we still saw each other all the time. Sam was so jealous about you spending more time with me than with him and he made you chose between him and me.

You chose me, because you thought that if he gave you this ultimatum, he wasn't worth to be the one to come as the 'winner'. He didn't understand our friendship and you couldn't build a life with someone like that.

Some months later, you met Eric and married him two years later. I was happy for you and I was honoured to give you away.

I was pretending, Tina. I have been lying to you for years. I have been in love with you for so long and I realised what these feelings were when I was 13. I have adored you and dreamt about kissing you, later of making love to you, of us building a life together, of having a family.

For 17 years our hugs have been pure agony and heaven at the same time, for 17 years I have not told you how deeply and intensely I love you. I hated each and every one of your boyfriends, even Eddy. I hated them because they didn't see how lucky they were to have you, because they didn't know you as I did, didn't know your secrets like I did. I saw them taking you for granted and it almost killed me.

I thought the jealousy inside of me would just burst out, the anger and the hopelessness gave me so many restless nights, trying to cry myself to sleep but not even managing that. The happiest day of your life, your marriage with Eric, was the blackest day of mine.

I felt like I was losing you and I could have killed Eric for taking you away from me. Who did he think he was? He thought he had a right to love you and for a moment, I even hated you for preferring him over me. Me, who had known you for so long, who had always been there.

But how could I really hate you? How could I hate the woman who was dearest to me? The one that kept me alive?

I have breathed for you, bleeded for you. You remember my 'black period' when we were 17? You thought I had cut myself over Rachel, but I never had any feelings for her. I couldn't deal with my feelings for you and I couldn't hide my pain, so I made up that I loved her.

I cut myself because I couldn't stand the pain of seeing you with him. I can't even write his name down now, because you loved him so much. Love that the bastard didn't even deserve.
I couldn't do it anymore, T. I love you, I love you, I love you and I've said it so many times and you never saw how I meant it, in what way I meant it.

That one drunken kiss when we were 20 is still my best memory after 10 years. I wasn't drunk. You were. I thought I would die when you told me it had been a mistake and you hoped it wouldn't make things awkward. It made me sick when you told me about Sam a few weeks later. Was I nobody to you? Of course I was: a friend. Your best friend, but that was it.

I know I should be grateful to have that part of your heart, but somehow it wasn't enough. Call me greedy, call me selfish, call me ungrateful, but I wanted more.

I decided to end it, now. How am I expected to look on as you build the life I want with you, with him? How could I ever get over you having children with that fucking dickhead? How could I keep on pretending, keep on denying the depth of my feelings for you?

I passionately adored you, Tina. My life means nothing without you and I can't do it anymore, I can't live without being able to kiss you and hold you and as my girlfriend, my wife. I tried, over and over again, because I had to. But I can't live if I know I won't grow old with you, but you'll grow old with him.

I am sorry if I hurt you by doing this, but I'm sure Eric will be there for you and he'll tell you it's not your fault and I was derailed, I was blinded by my love and there is nothing you can do about it and you should try and forget it.

That's exactly what he'll say. I can only hope you won't forget me and the good memories we made through the years. On second thought, maybe that would be better.

Goodbye, T. We'll meet each other again, some day, any day. I won't ever forget you and remember that my love for you will never die, that it will live on in everything I wrote about you, in all those diaries. You will find them in a box delivered to your home. You mean everything to me. I hope you will be happy.

Love, B.