Title: Tea with the Hare and Tortoise
Author: jengou
Fandom: Deathnote
Pairings: Near/Mello
Genre: Crack!
Word Count: 472
Rating: PG. Swearing, Near being a creep (nothing new there).
Spoilers: Anime eps 30 and manga ch 77.
Disclaimer: These boys own ME. I own nothing.
Summary: Mello will get his photo back from Near and he will not be enraged. Because he is ZEN.
Notes: ... I don't even like Near ;; But I was rewatching eps 30 and there were vibes and this kind of dribbled out. Uhr!

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"Mello, if you want to shoot me, then shoot."

Mello once tried to pick out one aspect of Near which he hated the most, and he's trying again now but fails. It is everything. Everything about Near makes Mello's face crinkle with rage, which makes his scar hurt and will probably lead to premature wrinkles. Mello really just wants to shoot.

'I fucking will,' thinks Mello. 'Then I'll never have to see that fucking back again, always in front of me and mocking me! Damn you Near!'

Mello's finger tightens on the trigger and he is so close to staining that white lump with redredred except Hal has the nerve to get inbetween.

'I don't want to shoot Hal,' Mello thinks instinctively, and Hal knows and Mello fucking hates her too.

What was it Matt said recently? 'You're like a chain of firecrackers Mello, a goddamn endless string of combustible noise.' Mello forces himself to calm down because he can, and lowers the gun. Because he can.

"I just want my photo back."

And there is his photo finally, pinched between two fingers, looking out of place in Near's proximity. Mello catches it and stares. 'My face,' he despairs. 'My hair,' and turns it over to postpone the heartache. The two words 'Dear Mello' definitely weren't there when the photo was in Mello's possession. Mello glares at Near but refrains from saying anything. Because he is zen.

"Near, I am not cooperating with you. I am not enabling you."

"I know that." The little shit, he knows Mello owes him a favour now. Near's probably going to fucking enact this embarrassing incident with his damn little puppets. The thought makes Mello's left eye twitch (owow).

"In exchange I'll give you some information pertaining to the Death Note. Information I wrested by means of an untraceable missile, the lives of many a men, and the tears of many a prostitutes who lost their pimpdaddies. You better be fucking satisfied." Mello admits that this zen business is making him feel light-headed - he'd better try to keep his mouth shout and just walk out asap.

Near, sitting with his back turned inside the circle of his toy train tracks, looks as zen as the Buddha. Why must Near outdo Mello in absolutely everything?

"I'm leaving! See you at the finish line. LOSER."

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Mello's departure is all swivelly clicky heels and fluttering feathers. Noisy, and it echoes too.

"What do you make of that, Near?" Lester asks.

Near ponders as he takes out his puppets, twirling a lock of hair. "I'd say that there is a 7 percent chance that he is constipated."

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"... Oh Near, you are so great, thank you for keeping my photo safe from Kira's vile eyes! Haha, no problem Mello, it's what any gentlemen would have done. Keep it safe now, like you do your virginity. Ho ho."

END