No, I Didn't

A Yuffentine

Author's Notes: No, I didn't think I owned Square Enix or its characters. That's why it's called 'fanfiction'. No, I didn't write this because I was bored. Then again, I'm always bored. No, I didn't think I'd be able to write my third fanfic like this. So filled with randomness and perverted thoughts. I apologize in advance for that. Please, don't spank me. I was planning on something more serious. No, I didn't think it would work out well and make people laugh. And no, I didn't think someone like you would read this. Here's another Yuffentine brought to you by yours truly. I proudly present 'No, I didn't'. Wait, I mean humbly present. Humbly, not proudly. Er..yeah, you get the idea.

WARNING: If I would describe this fic, I only have one thing to tell you. Crazed, perverted, random stupidity. Seriously, reader discretion. I'm WARNING YOU. HENCE THE BOLD "WARNING" WORDS TYPED. Then again, meh. Who cares. XD

Chapter 1: The First Mistake

Yuffie woke up to a bright new morning. After stretching her arms and back in an arch, she lazily got up from the comfort of her bed and threw the curtains open, shielding her eyes from the crepuscular rays that shyly streamed through gaps in the clouds that covered the light blue sky. Her half-opened eyes drifted to the small clock on the bedside table made from varnished mahogany.

"How the heck did I manage to wake up at 5:30?" she thought, yawning. Yuffie slipped on her white bunny slippers and padded out of her room. Quietly, she shuffled into the living room. Her left foot collided with a hard object, causing the first noise in the morning. The noise was her cursing, not the impact between the slipper and that certain thing. Grumbling, she picked it up without even looking to see what it was. It was heavy, crafted with the finest silver, and had three barrels with lion crests on top.

"Vincent's gun?" Yuffie saw another object lying on the kilin carpet and picked it up. It was a hollow, cylindrical tool of about two inches tall. Still groggy from waking up, she thought that it was a part of the gun that had been separated when she had stepped on it accidentally earlier. She rammed the tube into the one of gun's barrels. She forced it in until she decided it looked normal. Yuffie traced the gun back to the ground and found two bullets. Having thought that she had to test the gun out to make sure it was not broken, she loaded Cerberus with the two rubber-looking rounds.

"Rubber bullets. Meh. As boring as Vincent." Yuffie shrugged.

Yuffie aimed the gun at the large wall-to-wall glass window that allowed light to shine inside the living room. She fired.

The blatant sound of shattered glass woke Vincent up. He threw the door of his room open and revealed half of his body as he scanned the living room for the source. His eyes instantly narrowed. Yuffie.

"Yuffie. The gun." Vincent's voice was clearly calm, though the first layer of his patience had already been shucked off.

Yuffie stared at the stoic gunman. He was only in his boxers, showing the rest of his pale body to her. Her fingers twitched as she scanned him from top to bottom, stopping right where she wanted her eyes to. It was bony, pointed and had several nearly unnoticeable veins. She bit her lip absent-mindedly, not even allowing a single blink.

She was staring at his exposed hand and not at that, you perverted reader.

Vincent jumped. Literally. His foot barely evaded the bullet. Yuffie's trembling fingers fired the gun accidentally.

"Gun. Now," he ordered flatly. She understood his simple explanation and gave the weapon back.

Yuffie yawned, now covering her mouth to muffle it into silence. She walked into his room as Vincent stalked her with a glare. He had to pay for the broken window, but he disregarded it to sulk on for later. Meanwhile, Yuffie's eyes instantly widened when she came across another amusing object on the floor.

"Whoa, Vincent, did you woo a girl here yesterday while I was gone? You did her hard," she commented, waving a black brief with a hole in the front. The hole appeared to be a circular rip that was forced by the strength and pressure of a certain erected object.

Vincent's jaw dropped slightly. He walked up to her and snatched the garment from her hands. "Wha-"

"You animal." She punched his arm playfully.

Vincent raised his eyebrows. He stared at it until his mind recognized the circular mark. "You shot my underwear."

"Awesome pick-up line, Vincent. I'm sure fangirls would love to hear you say that to them." Yuffie said, chuckling.

He frowned.

"No, I didn't shoot your underwear. That's just stupid."

"Yes, you did."

"No, I didn't."

"Yes, you did."

"No, I didn't."

He sighed. "Never mind." He didn't even bother arguing further. He threw the piece of ruined cloth to the trash bin. Vincent placed Cerberus back to its holster. Looking outside the window, he got dressed for the day. Then, he felt something burning holes into his back. Sensing discomfort, he glanced behind his shoulder. Yuffie was staring at him. Again.

"Would you mind?" he asked, gesturing towards the open door.

"No, I don't mind."

Vincent turned his head back, expecting Yuffie to leave. He discarded the boxers, zipped his pants, wore his black shirt, fastened his belt and fixed his cloak. He spun around, ready to leave.

Yuffie was still there, apparently having watched him during the whole process.

"...Y-You..."

"No, I didn't."

Vincent paused and tilted his head downward. "A nonsense question," he muttered, before storming out of the room.

After paying a night's lodging fees and an unbelievable amount of 53,490 Gil for the glass window that Yuffie shot, the duo set out for Nibelheim's reactor. Reeve had sent them there one day prior to investigate. Complaints and rumors were rampant and the reactor had been shut off from unauthorized personnel since then. Vincent strode for the reactor, passing jagged layers of rocks along the way. Yuffie skipped behind him, bearing a cheerful mood.

"Hey, Vinnie."

Vincent cringed at the nickname. "What?"

"I bet ya 2,000 Gil that the underwear you threw will be auctioned."

"What?" he asked again, unable to comprehend her profound words.

"I said-"

"It was a rhetorical question."

"Oh. Anyways, are you in?"

Vincent sighed. "No, thank you."

"Aww. You're such a fun-sucker."

Knowing that he would certainly win the bet, Vincent gave in and nodded. "Fine."

An hour later, Vincent stared at the small poster on of the glass windows of the inn they had just left that morning. It turned out that a Behemoth made the reactor as its home. They ended their mission by putting an end to the beast's life.

Yuffie poked Vincent as he stared, his eye twitching. The poster read: "Selling Vincent's Used Undergarment. 500,000 Gil only. Please inquire inside."

"Absurd." Vincent ripped the poster into shreds. Yuffie kept on poking his arm. "What?" he snarled as she folded her arms in response. "You owe me 2,000 Gil."

"That...thing...was not auctioned, therefore, I win the bet. That is what you said."

"No, I didn't say that."

Vincent counted how many times she had said that for the past few hours. Three? Four? He couldn't remember.

"C'mon, just give me the 2,000 Gil. Please?"

"If it will make you stop poking me."

Yuffie nodded so hard Vincent thought her head would snap and fall off.

Sighing, Vincent gave her the money. She smiled at the silver coins and safely secured them inside her pocket. Then, she realized something. "Erm..Vin-Vin?"

Glaring, he turned to regard her.

"We didn't bring any extra clothes, right?"

He shook his head.

Yuffie grinned. "Then, you aren't wearing any underwear?"

Vincent looked down. Holy crap.

Sanity left = 93%.