Wave angel: so...I was going to put this as a one-shot in the middle of my other Naruto fic...and then I realised just how much fun I could have with this idea! Yeah, so, this is what happens when Orochimaru makes idiotic mistakes at stupid times. You could also call it how Orochimaru became gay.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything (except maybe this idea)!! Please don't hurt me!!

New body please!!!!!

Orochimaru had finally found the secret to everlasting life. It wasn't Botox, or plastic surgery, or Avon Anew make up, nor was it whatever Tsunade does to stay young. And no, it wasn't getting bitten by a shparkly vampire. Although he had toyed with that idea for a while; before he realised that being all shparkly would just ruin his street cred, plus everyone would just have to follow the fan-girls to track him, which was not a good thing.

No, just like his fellow snake-lover, Voldemort, Orochimaru's secret lay with the soul. No, it wasn't making horcruxes. Orochimaru liked having his soul all in one place-preferablely as together as possible- since this would make it a.) Easier to defend and b.) Easier to keep an eye on.

No, he wasn't going to use his super-science knowledge to pickle his brain while he used futuristic technology to build a robotic body for himself.

You want to know Orochimaru's secret to living forever?

Tough...you can't, it's secret.

Only kidding. His secret to everlasting life was to steal other people's bodies, and transplant his soul into them so he was in control (exactly where he likes to be).

Naturally, there were a few small side effects, such as a change in the tastes in food, his dress sense (which was never really changed that much, this is the man who wears a rope for a belt because it looks "retro"-his thoughts, not my own- for god's sake, you'd think having many different bodies would give him dress sense), etc.

He figured that this was because the mind/soul moulded itself to fit the body, like water in a jug, to make it fit easier. This moulding wasn't much though, especially in weak minded people who willingly gave their bodies to him.

Orochimaru stretched in his new body, as the one he'd just left disintegrated. That was the other minor flaw. After around 3 years, the stolen bodies finally realised his mind/soul was not the one that should be there and rejected him, disintegrating slowly. This happened faster in some more than others. It didn't really matter; there were always more bodies for him to steal.

Oh, and of course there was another minor flaw. He had to wait at least 3 years between switching bodies, for some reason. None of this mattered to the snake-sannin.

Eternal life was what mattered. Eternal life...was forever.

~THREE YEARS LATER~

Orochimaru dodged the attack with relative ease, his opponent hardly having time to register this before he was dead.

Orochimaru felt pretty good about this. He was having fun killing, his minions were having fun killing and pillaging and whatever other common things they were doing; and there were plenty of almost-but-not-quite-dead people still just alive enough for him to experiment with. All in all, not a bad raid!!

And then someone spoiled it by stabbing him from behind, like filthy commoners. Peeved, he turned around and started to kick ass again. This fight lasted a little longer than the last one, since it was against some random ninja person, rather than a commoner whose only previous experience went along the lines of: hey, you looking at me? *smash bottle and waves it threateningly while the other person backs away*- and so on. About halfway through the fight with the ninja, Orochimaru realised that something was wrong. The body was beginning to disintegrate. This was annoying, as it meant that he'd have to start searching for a new one.

His opponent took the opportunity to chop him in half, but he simply used his awesome snakey powers and reattached himself. He winced, that had been harder than it should have been. He'd have to start looking for another new body as soon as possible.

Eventually, the fight ended with (big surprise) Orochimaru as the winner. As he had his customary gloat over the ninja's corpse, he felt an odd, unwelcome sensation.

He looked at his hands. Skin flaking off? Check. Injuries refusing to heal at the normal (super-speedy) pace? Check.

He definitely needed a new body...and he needed one NOW.

He looked around. Nope only dead one-

Someone was getting up. Someone who'd only been playing dead. Someone who had their back to him.

He rushed up to them and put his hands on their shoulders.

"Any last requests?"

"Wha-"

He didn't let them finish, he just started the takeover.

Wave angel: ta-da!! Please, let me know what you think...I promise it will get funnier. Orochimaru will be put well out of his comfort zone, I swear. Anyways....R&R!!! please? I happy-time dance when I get reviews.

Greystripe: it's true, she does.