"Master Finn, please don't do this," Casey pleads with me.
"It's not worth it."
I scowl at Theo.
"Not worth it, Theo? My son is dead! He was all I had left, and now he's gone!"
They all flinch at my outburst.
"Please, Master Finn, RJ wouldn't want this."
I pierce the cub with a glare.
"How the heck do you know what RJ would and wouldn't want, Jarrod?!"
Though he stands his ground, I can see that he's intimidated.
"I knew him in the academy. I know him well enough to know he wouldn't want you to just throw away the rest of your life."
He's brave, I'll give him that.
I press my hand closer and feel a small trickle of blood run down my neck from where the blade of the knife is.
"Master Finn, RJ want you to be like this. He'd want you to hold your head up high and live your life to its fullest," Fran says a bit meekly.
"My life was at its fullest when I had my family. Now my family is gone."
Flit, still a little clumsy after being a fly for a few centuries, steps forward.
"RJ and I weren't friends for very long, but I could see what was in his heart and know how he would think and react. I know he'd want you to live your life until God calls you home."
Great, I have a former fly preaching to me. What next?
"I don't need you preaching to me, Flit," I growl.
"Flit's right, Master Finn," Lily says, stepping forward.
We all look at her, for her tone is hard.
"If RJ could see you right now I know that he'd be very disappointed and maybe even ashamed, ashamed to call you his father because here you are trying to kill yourself! You're a Pai Zhuq Master, and Pai Zhuq Masters die much more noble deaths than suicide! Master Mao, Master Guin, Master Lope, and Master Rilla all died fighting. Yet you seek to die by taking your own life? You bring shame upon Pai Zhuq. If this is truly how you want to die you have no right to bear Pai Zhuq Master Stripes ot even be a Pai Zhuq cub!"
We're all silent, stunned by her anger.
My hand begins trembling, and Lily slowly steps a little closer.
"Put the knife down, Master Finn," she says, her voice and tone now soft, gentle, and soothing.
I swallow, fighting back the tears that fill my eyes.
"We know it hurts, it hurts us all to not have RJ around anymore, but it's not worth throwing the rest of your life away."
My hand trembles harder.
"Just put it down. You're not alone in your grief, you have us. We're all suffering from this loss, and we're here for each other, including you."
My legs give way, and I fall to my knees, desperately fighting back my tears as my hand is now visibly trembling.
She's now kneeling in front of me, meeting my gaze. She slowly reaches towards my neck and gently takes hold of my shaking hand. She carefully pulls my hand from my neck, pulling the blade away.
"Just put it down."
I drop the knife and, unable to hold back any longer, burst into a flood of tears.
Her arms come around me, and her hand gently brings my head to her shoulder.
I hold onto her as I cry, seeking comfort, any kind of comfort, doesn't matter who it's from as long as it's genuine comfort.
She gives me that comfort through her arms holding me and her hands gently and soothingly rubbing my back, which makes me think of how my mother would do the same when I was a kid.
It never occurs to me how odd this must look, I just want comfort, guidance. Without my son I am lost.