The Nielsen Conspiracy
By: Olivia
"Reaching for a hand that can understand, someone who feels the same/When you live in a
cookie cutter world being different is a sin./So you don't stand out./And you don't fit in./Weird.-
Hanson-"Weird"
"Friendship that flows from the heart cannot be frozen by adversity, as the water that flows from
the spring cannot congeal in winter."-Cooper
Takoma Park, Maryland
"Ahhh, man! This so bites the big one!" moaned Langly.
The Lone Gunmen and Yves were sitting in a circle at the Lone Gunmen Headquarters.
"I'm afraid it's true. It says it's right here," said Byers pointing to their death sentence written in
big bold letters on the front page of the newspaper: The Lone Gunmen Cancelled.
"Gimme that," said Frohike ripping the paper from Byers' hands. "This is so bogus. Since when
do we believe the party line, huh? Since when do we believe what big brother has told the
media? Who are the Nielsen's any way? I'll tell you who the Nielsen's are. It's a secret covert
operation, a government within our government that only allows certain mind controlling
programs over the television airwaves. We were getting the truth to the American people and
they shut us down!"
"Calm down, Frohike," said Yves calmly in her British accent. "The Nielsen's aren't a
conspiracy. It is simply an organization that rates television programs and finds out which ones
are being watched and which are not. The television stations then use these ratings to decide
which programs they should sink more money into and which ones they should cancel. And,
unfortunately, our ratings just were not very good."
"But it's just not fair," said Jimmy sadly. "We had good scripts and great acting. We were
fighting the good fight and bringing joy and laughter to people every Friday night in millions, no
billions, of homes. I don't care what this Nielsen thing says. Our show should have continued."
Yves put her hand comfortingly on Jimmy's arm. "I know it's unfair Jimmy, but life isn't
always fair. It doesn't matter how great our show was, when they put us in that Friday timeslot,
there just weren't enough people watching us. They were too busy going out and having fun."
Jimmy shook his head. He was inconsolable. "I know they were out there watching us. If they
couldn't be there, they taped the show and watched it later, but they were out there."
"Unfortunately, our being cancelled is not the worst part." Everyone turned to look at Byers.
How could the news get any worse?
"Like most great cancelled shows, remember "Millennium," we've left the audience with a cliff
hanger that will never be resolved."
There was a collective horrified gasp around the room.
"You mean..." started Jimmy.
"Ahhh....man...we're never going to find out what happens to us!" wailed Langly.
"Yes," nodded Byers sagely. "We are trapped in 'to be continued' limbo."
"This is just great! This is just wonderful!" Frohike spit out sarcastically. "You mean to tell me
that Morris Fletcher gets to have hood winked us. That we have to go out and probably be killed
with blue smurf faces! And what about Yves? We were just about to find out who she really
was! And what about Jimmy, does he or does he not get that tape that Yves stole to Mulder? Is
Jimmy going to save us when he wakes up after Yves knocked him out to risk her own life to
save Jimmy's and ours? Where are the writers?! We've got to speak to the writers!!!!!"
The Gunmen and Yves all tried to get Frohike to calm down and sit back down after ranting and
raving about the room.
When things had quieted down again, Yves said, "We'll its really only Jimmy and I who have to
worry. You three will continue down the path you started on. You're characters are already
established on "The X-Files." You three will be just fine. But it's still a shame I won't find out
about mysterious self or whether or not Jimmy and I will become an item."
"Really," Jimmy beamed at Yves so broadly it began to make her slightly uncomfortable.
"Cause I always thought that maybe deep down you cared...."
"Shut up, Jimmy!" said Langly throwing a pillow at him. It didn't stop Jimmy from grinning
though.
"Some how, we have to keep the dream alive," said Yves simply.
"Maybe they'll resolve this story on "The X-Files." Who knows, maybe, they'll have Jimmy and
Yves be in it." said Byers. "We have to be hopeful."
"And it was sure fun while it lasted!" said Frohike with a smile.
Everyone nodded and smiled.
"Hey, and every time some fan, out there on that internet thing, writes a story about us, and
shares it with others, we will still live on. The Internet is after all a wondrous place, full of lots
of possibilities. I read that someplace."
Yves and the rest of the Gunmen simply stared at Jimmy. They knew he meant well. Still they
simply didn't know what planet he was from sometimes. But that didn't matter because all their
hearts echoed Jimmy's sentiments.
By: Olivia
"Reaching for a hand that can understand, someone who feels the same/When you live in a
cookie cutter world being different is a sin./So you don't stand out./And you don't fit in./Weird.-
Hanson-"Weird"
"Friendship that flows from the heart cannot be frozen by adversity, as the water that flows from
the spring cannot congeal in winter."-Cooper
Takoma Park, Maryland
"Ahhh, man! This so bites the big one!" moaned Langly.
The Lone Gunmen and Yves were sitting in a circle at the Lone Gunmen Headquarters.
"I'm afraid it's true. It says it's right here," said Byers pointing to their death sentence written in
big bold letters on the front page of the newspaper: The Lone Gunmen Cancelled.
"Gimme that," said Frohike ripping the paper from Byers' hands. "This is so bogus. Since when
do we believe the party line, huh? Since when do we believe what big brother has told the
media? Who are the Nielsen's any way? I'll tell you who the Nielsen's are. It's a secret covert
operation, a government within our government that only allows certain mind controlling
programs over the television airwaves. We were getting the truth to the American people and
they shut us down!"
"Calm down, Frohike," said Yves calmly in her British accent. "The Nielsen's aren't a
conspiracy. It is simply an organization that rates television programs and finds out which ones
are being watched and which are not. The television stations then use these ratings to decide
which programs they should sink more money into and which ones they should cancel. And,
unfortunately, our ratings just were not very good."
"But it's just not fair," said Jimmy sadly. "We had good scripts and great acting. We were
fighting the good fight and bringing joy and laughter to people every Friday night in millions, no
billions, of homes. I don't care what this Nielsen thing says. Our show should have continued."
Yves put her hand comfortingly on Jimmy's arm. "I know it's unfair Jimmy, but life isn't
always fair. It doesn't matter how great our show was, when they put us in that Friday timeslot,
there just weren't enough people watching us. They were too busy going out and having fun."
Jimmy shook his head. He was inconsolable. "I know they were out there watching us. If they
couldn't be there, they taped the show and watched it later, but they were out there."
"Unfortunately, our being cancelled is not the worst part." Everyone turned to look at Byers.
How could the news get any worse?
"Like most great cancelled shows, remember "Millennium," we've left the audience with a cliff
hanger that will never be resolved."
There was a collective horrified gasp around the room.
"You mean..." started Jimmy.
"Ahhh....man...we're never going to find out what happens to us!" wailed Langly.
"Yes," nodded Byers sagely. "We are trapped in 'to be continued' limbo."
"This is just great! This is just wonderful!" Frohike spit out sarcastically. "You mean to tell me
that Morris Fletcher gets to have hood winked us. That we have to go out and probably be killed
with blue smurf faces! And what about Yves? We were just about to find out who she really
was! And what about Jimmy, does he or does he not get that tape that Yves stole to Mulder? Is
Jimmy going to save us when he wakes up after Yves knocked him out to risk her own life to
save Jimmy's and ours? Where are the writers?! We've got to speak to the writers!!!!!"
The Gunmen and Yves all tried to get Frohike to calm down and sit back down after ranting and
raving about the room.
When things had quieted down again, Yves said, "We'll its really only Jimmy and I who have to
worry. You three will continue down the path you started on. You're characters are already
established on "The X-Files." You three will be just fine. But it's still a shame I won't find out
about mysterious self or whether or not Jimmy and I will become an item."
"Really," Jimmy beamed at Yves so broadly it began to make her slightly uncomfortable.
"Cause I always thought that maybe deep down you cared...."
"Shut up, Jimmy!" said Langly throwing a pillow at him. It didn't stop Jimmy from grinning
though.
"Some how, we have to keep the dream alive," said Yves simply.
"Maybe they'll resolve this story on "The X-Files." Who knows, maybe, they'll have Jimmy and
Yves be in it." said Byers. "We have to be hopeful."
"And it was sure fun while it lasted!" said Frohike with a smile.
Everyone nodded and smiled.
"Hey, and every time some fan, out there on that internet thing, writes a story about us, and
shares it with others, we will still live on. The Internet is after all a wondrous place, full of lots
of possibilities. I read that someplace."
Yves and the rest of the Gunmen simply stared at Jimmy. They knew he meant well. Still they
simply didn't know what planet he was from sometimes. But that didn't matter because all their
hearts echoed Jimmy's sentiments.