Disclaimer: I do not own Shaman King or any of its characters, and I don't get paid for this (oh, well).
Flawed:
He's perfect. He's like… the Japanese version of Jesus. Or maybe he's more like Buddha? I think so. He fits that sort of profile seamlessly. Maybe that's why he'll be the Shaman King. I personally don't care who becomes Shaman King as long as Hao doesn't. He has to die. Even perfect Yoh understands that. Deep down inside, we all know that Hao's ideals are just too flawed. For me, it's not a 'deep down inside' sort of knowledge. I don't even care about his ideals. I just want him to die. I want him to burn like my parents burned. I want to see him in pain; I've never wanted to see that happen to anyone before.
In truth, I am incredibly squeamish. I couldn't handle the responsibility of having killed a person. Hao is of course the exception to that. That's what makes me just as flawed as he is. I could see him writhe in pain, and anguish...and be perfectly pleased with myself. At least, that is how I feel whenever I see him now - gloating permanently. He never stops gloating. I think he's chosen that sort of persistent arrogance to wear as his version of a neutral expression.
I want to see him cry. Does he cry? Can he even cry at this point? I doubt it. Maybe that is why I want to see it so badly. I cry. I cry so often I wonder why I haven't dried up. I cry for how I damaged someone so perfect - how I could have left his side, when all I really wanted was to touch him. I wanted to feel the texture of perfection in a person.
I used to lay awake at night, thinking about your eyes, Yoh. I dreamed about your voice. That particular weakness of mine disgusted me the most. How I could catch just a glimpse of your face, or hear you say my name and I would feel so warm and know that I would have laid down for you right there if I thought you would have taken me.
Even now, my hand on myself becomes your hand on me.
But I am so flawed and you are so flawless, though you share a face with someone as flawed as me. Am I worse than Hao? I sometimes wonder. I led you astray, abandoned you; abandoned my only friends. I did it all for revenge and even now I still want that revenge more than anything - but not more than you, strangely enough.
That girl loves you so much, Yoh. Even if she didn't, you'd have hordes of people chasing after you. You could have Horo-Horo, you could have Ryu, you could have Jun, you could have Tamao most certainly, you could even have Ren if you wanted.
There's almost no one who knows you that wouldn't do anything for you, and give themself to you completely. Your perfection draws us all in and keeps us there and the hardest thing I ever did was leave your side - but I knew that you could never want me, so I pursued another dream. One I had almost forgotten about at times, whilst traveling with you.
I went after that son of a bitch, Hao. I joined the X-laws, which was a huge mistake. They weren't my friends. They didn't care what happened to me. They were flawed like me; we were birds of a feather. That was something I should have avoided - being with people who were like me, I mean. I hated being with them, when I saw you.
I never talked about the abuse.
A group of adults like the X-laws, although they preach more than the church itself, are truly more corrupt than those they condemn. Adults don't typically let children just accompany them like that.
I think you might have known what they made me do. I deserved it. I deserved being touched like that by adults who didn't care about me. I deserved being alone; deserved having cold, perverse lips pressed against mine. I thought that maybe it would have made up for my mistakes.
Yoh...do you think I deserved it? Do you think I am dirty, and disgusting? I've been called a whore even more than I have been mistaken for a girl. I am a whore, Yoh, and like I said I'd give up a lot of things just to have you let me...
Spread my legs for you.
But then I'd taint you with my flawed self. I want you to keep that perfection; that perfection that allows everyone to love and envy you. So I'll dream. I'll be shy in your presence...and I'll watch you defeat Hao. I'll try to kill the motherfucker myself if I get the chance. I'll cry. I'll let perverted old men caress my legs and my hair and my lips. I deserve this because I am flawed and you are perfect...and I understand my place, now.
I must apologize because I really never saw it coming - your forgiveness, that is.
I was hoping I would just die by that point.
You know, sometimes I think we'd make a great pair because, well...we'd be like yin and yang. I mean, after all, you are so perfect and I'm so...
Flawed.