Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin.

Merlin laughed as Gwaine shoved Percival into a chair with a cup of ale, splashing Arthur in the process.

"GWAINE!" Arthur yelled.

Gwaine had the decency to look abashed. "Sorry Princess".

Arthur grumbled but let it go. "Why must you always be so… you?"

Gwaine grinned. "You would all perish without me, and you know it. You would be doomed".

"Maybe we would be saved" Lancelot murmurs.

Gwaine mocked hurt and turned to his fellow knight. "That hurt Lance. That hurt".

There was a sudden rocking of drinks as Gwaine sat down, making the small table wobble on its feet.

"Now, down to business. I called you all here-".

"Shut it Gwaine. You know as well as we that you dragged us here at this ungodly hour. 'Called us here'. Hm. As if you would have the courtesy" Merlin said.

Gwaine pouted. "So rude Merlin…".

Merlin crossed his arms and gave a smoldering glare. Too bad the drunken man was immune to its power when he had enough ale…

"As I was saying. I called you all here to finally get the story of the quest you three went on a few weeks back. You have all been so busy that I have not had the time to sit you all down and ask!".

As though he had smacked them, the three immediately paled. You could have compared them to a sheet of paper and not seen the difference unless you were to look close enough.

Arthur regained his senses, straightening up and taking a drink. "That is none of your business Gwaine, that mission is between Merlin, Lancelot, and I. Leave it be".

Pout on full glare, Gwaine looked to each man in turn before turning back to Arthur. "Why? What happened, Princess? Did Merlin catch you preening in a river or something?"

Arthur flushed. "That was one time. One".

Gwaine shrugged. "If you say so…"

Glaring, Arthur pulled his mouth into a firm line. "Yes, I do. Now forget about the quest, it has nothing to do with you".

Gwaine looked to the three again, now even more frustrated and curious. "I am sick of this hide-things-from-Gwaine game. Just tell me what happened, I will find out eventually anyway. Spill!".

The three men looked to each other with a look of utter disgust, terror, and acceptance. Each thought back to that fateful day…

Flashback

"Hurry up Mer-lin. We don't have all day!".

"Yes Sire!".

"Don't get smart with me Merlin, I have you in the stocks for a week!".

"Yes your majesty".

"MERLIN!".

Lancelot chuckled at the banter going between his King and manservant, saddling his horse. The two always seemed able to take the line between a royal and a servant and crush it under their boots with an odd but close friendship. If one were to ask about it of course, the King would deny it while Merlin would say something like, "Someone needs to keep his ego in place! If his head gets any bigger than it will go over the roof of the castle!". Those two are quite the pair…

Passing the gate and waving to the guard, Lancelot looked ahead to the pair of (cough *friends* cough) men and set his horse at a small, but quick trot. "What is it we are doing today Sire? You called me out here without much of an explanation".

"We are going to a river about a day's ride from here for some berries," Arthur said. "There is a woman Gaius is treating that needs them for a medicine, and they only grow in large populations there".

Lancelot tilted his head to the side in confusion. "Then why are we going Sire? I'm sure Merlin could handle this journey by himself without our aide".

Arthur snorted. "Have you seen this buffoon around the castle? If it were possible to lose his head, he would have done it already. Or have had it cut off with how clumsy he is".

"Hey!" was Merlin's indignant cry.

Arthur shook his head. "But that isn't my only reasoning. I would like to catch some game to bring back to the castle. I have been craving some doe meat as of late".

Merlin scowled, turning to face Arthur. "What did those poor animals ever do to you? If I could count every time I have seen one of their brethren skinned and cooked onto your table…"

Merlin continued to rant for a while until the trio came across what looked to be a hurt women on the side of the road. They immediately got off their horses, rushing to see if she was alive. She was surrounded by a sea of red, absolutely staining everything around her torso. She looked to be dead.

As the three men got a few feet close to the woman, they felt as sudden pull on their stomachs hurdling them face first to the ground. They looked up to see the woman standing up, unharmed, with gold eyes and a malicious grin glittering in the sunlight before a resounding smack knocked them all out.

Merlin groaned, a pounding on the back of his head making him wish he hadn't woken at all. Did Gwaine convince him to go to the tavern again? Oh god, please don't let him have taken him there again. Last time I was there I got in an awful fight-

It all came back in a rush. Merlin's eyes flew open, scanning the area for his two friends. "Arthur! Lancelot!" he shouted.

"Here!" came a cry. Merlin looked up to see the two of them tied up to a tree, bare, but with their swords on their belts. Merlin went to move, only to see that he was also tied down, wearing nothing but his neckerchief. He went beet red.

"Oh how lovely. You are all finally awake~".

The sudden voice made them all face the woman who had put them there. "Untie us you witch!" Arthur shouted.
The sorceress cooed. "Sorry dear. I have a few plans for you, the three of you have been so busy that you have had no time whatsoever to pay any attention to your social lives, or should I say, your romantic lives. We had hoped to have a few more of your party with you, but this will have to do. Beggars can't be choosers, I suppose".

Lancelot paled. "What are you speaking of? Who is we?".

The witch laughed, the sound grating on their ears like a fork over a plate. "All of your admirers of course! You three have been so introverted that you haven't even tried to pay attention to the women of the town! Sense you are all so difficult to catch, we thought we should grab you when given the opportunity. Prepare to meet your future wives, boys!".

The three stared at each other in horror as six or seven women gathered out to form a circle around them all. It normally would be nice to have females mooning over them, except for the fact that most of them looked as though they were run over by a runaway cart before swallowing tar to clean their teeth. The boys each shuddered as many of them got rather… handsy.

"Now ladies! We need to wait until tomorrow night to have our fun with the boys. Cassandra is not going to get here until tomorrow evening, and you know how we promised to let her go first. We will see them all later, don't pout. Bye boys, and rest well. You are going to need it". The ladies all piled out, going to tents not to far off from the trees they were tied to. Each woman gave a sultry glance back before piling in, going to rest for the night.

The heroes of Camelot said nothing for a few moments.

"Arthur. How are we going to get out of here!?" Merlin whisper-yelled. "These... ladies are insane!".

Arthur shook his head, jolting out of a daze. "I'm not sure. They have us tied pretty good to these trees here, one of them must do this often to tie the rope like this. If there is one thing I know, it is a good knot, and these ones look rather stable. Perhaps we can work out of this when they untie us, but for now you better settle in for a long night".

"No," Merlin thought. "We will get out of this. I am not getting married anytime soon if I can help it!".

So he waited.

And waited.

And waited.

After a while, (finally) Lancelot and Arthur nodded off. Merlin carefully scanned the area, listening for any signs of wakefulness from their captors. The only thing he saw was a single woman bearing a crossbow keeping a watchful eye over the camp, occasionally glancing over to the men. A quick "Gefultume híe þæt heo onslæpe!" was enough to get her to nod off, so he turned his attention to the ropes binding him to a large tree. "Ic ábíetee þæt stánhol!". The ropes flew off in a flurry, leaving him to notice once again his clothing… or rather lack thereof.

Once again mimicking a radish, Merlin slowly crawled over to Lancelot and Arthur, the two of them tied to trees opposite of him. He looked around, quickly saying the incantation to cut the ropes. He then shook the two awake, putting a finger to his lips to keep them quiet. They both nodded, slowly crawling away from the campsite, away from the general area.

Merlin nearly cried when he saw their horses and gear placed near the camp. Quickly getting saddled, the group quietly trotted off and away from their insane captors.

As lady luck seemed to take pity on them that day, Merlin had found some of the berries on the way home. Much better odds than the were usually to get.

The three trotted into the gates, watching the sun rise in the distance. Arthur looked to his two companions and said, "I don't believe I need to tell you two to keep this quiet, yes?". Merlin and Lancelot quickly nodded their heads, freedom and weariness making them yearn for their beds. "You two can have the day off tomorrow. If anyone asks, and you say anything, just know that your new home will be the stocks. Good day gentlemen, I am going to sleep". He then walked off, leaving the knight and manservant to slouch in relief and go to their chambers.

End Flashback

Merlin, Lancelot, and Arthur looked to each other before looking to Gwaine once again. "C'mon guys. Tell me what happened! It is going to drive me insane if you lads don't tell me!".

"No".

"No way".

"Not happening Gwaine. Get over it".

With those closing words, Gwaine sighed and took another drink of his ale. "Whatever. I know you will tell me sometime".

The three all gave closed expressions of remorse, knowing that Gwaine was going to bug the dung out of them until the truth came out. Curse it.

2 weeks later:

"HAHAHAHA! OH MY GOOD LORD!"

"MERLIN!"

A/N: If you read the whole thing, thanks for reading! I appreciate it.