Something that went to my mind without warning. Takes place after "Two Faced" (8x20). I was inspired by a French song I really love, it's entitled "Vous" by Merwan Rim. Translation of the lyrics at the end of the story. Un-betaed so there might be some mistakes which I apologize for in advance.
Disclaimer: Even if I'll soon own the season 8 DVDs, the shows still belongs to its rightful owners and creators who I am so grateful to.
« Je vous en veux
Un peu jaloux
De l'homme qui marche
Auprès de vous
Dans mes nuits blanches
Je l'imagine
Quand il s'immisce
Au creux de vous.»
Merwan Rim – Vous.
He wouldn't get any sleep tonight. That much Tony was sure of after 2 hours of tossing and turning in his king-size bed, his eyes wide open and his mind filled with the same thoughts he had had all day.
So that was him. Señor South Beach. Her not-Cuban Casanova. The King of Key West. Ziva's Miami Heat. CI-Ray. Agent Cruz.
Meeting him this morning had suddenly made him see things in a whole new perspective. He wasn't just a name, he wasn't just something he teased Ziva about. He wasn't a mystery anymore. He was real. And he was here.
Tony sighed in his pillow one last time and rolled on his back, folding his hands behind his head, looking at the ceiling as if waiting for a solution to fall from it.
Because, if he was honest with himself, he did have a problem. He was aware of that, not that he would ever admit it to anyone but there was no point now, at 2 in the morning, in denying the fact that he was not okay with this new…. situation.
What could he possibly have that made Ziva go so uncharacteriscally girly and romantic? He had never seen her that happy, light-hearted, carefree even, as if a huge weight had been taken off her shoulders. He had been honest when he had told her he was happy there was someone out there to make her smile. He had just never thought there would be someone else out there to do that.
And the thought hurt. Much more than it should really. After all, he had no right to pretend that he was the only one capable of making her happy. And still, he suddenly felt useless, abandoned almost, like an old toy that was once a child's favorite, before Christmas came with its lot of shiny new things.
He was the old toy and Ray was the shiny new thing. Sure he was good-looking and he had a good job. He was also cultivated and obviously athletic. But was he a better man for that? What made him so much better than anybody else? Than me?
He was her partner, her friend, he had been her confident too, occasionally. He had always had her back. He had saved her from Hell, literally. How could a pretty face and skiing skills compete with that? It had to count for something, right?
Tony closed his eyes and passed a hand on his tired face. He couldn't stop the thoughts from coming, invading his mind, torturing him with images so vivid he was starting to get sick.
He couldn't help thinking about his hands on her slender body, her soft lips kissing him, her voice whispering his name, lost in passion and desire… The more he wished the images to go away, the realer they got in his mind. It was driving him crazy. He was angry and frustrated. Jealousy really was a poison, he thought, and it was consuming him like a blazing fire.
Tony grunted and got up. If he couldn't sleep, he could at least try to do something useful, something that would keep his mind from wandering to dangerous places he wasn't particularly eager to find himself in anyway.
He dragged himself to the kitchen, opened the fridge and after considering a remaining slice of pizza and a piece of apple pie, decided to go for a beer instead. At this point, alcohol couldn't hurt either.
Tony opened the bottle and walked to the large window pane in his living room from which he could see most of the city. He loved that sight. It had been the main reason why he had taken this apartment a few years ago. It was a nice place, well-furnished and decorated with good taste. He hadn't changed a lot of things since the day he had signed the lease, both by lack of time and lack of motivation. The only thing that Tony needed to feel himself at home was his wide flat screen and DVD collection. There was also some pictures here and there, most of them of the team, of memories of happy times spent together, like the barbecue they had held at Gibbs' some time after he had come back from being an agent afloat or the Thanksgiving dinner at Ducky's last year. Tony cherished these moments and the memory of them brought some peace to his troubled mind for a minute.
As he brought the beer to his mouth once more, his thoughts drifted again and he found himself thinking about other, less pleasant memories. The pain of losing her. The fear of not being able to go on. The guilt of knowing that what she had been through will change things forever. Ever since they had brought her back, he had felt responsible for her, for her safety and he would be the first to admit that he might have overdone it at times. He couldn't help it, he had sworn to himself not to let anything or anyone hurt her ever again, even if that meant that he had to suffer for it. That's how much she meant to him, that's how much he loved her.
As he turned around and started to make his way back to his bedroom, he realized that it didn't matter how hard it would be or how many nights of sleep he'd lose over it, he couldn't bring himself to be the one to ruin her happiness. He would not say a thing, he would let her – them - be. And he would crush CIA boy if the smile ever left her face.
But that night, crawling back in his way-too-large bed, Tony suddenly remembered that once the shiny new thing isn't so shiny and new anymore, the child eventually goes back to his old favorite toy because no matter how used or broken it is, it's safe and reliable and above everything else, it's not replaceable.
And Tony smiled as sleep finally took over him.
Translation of the lyrics:
I'm mad at you
A little jealous
Of the man who's walking next to you
In my sleepless nights
I imagine him
When he makes his way into the depths of you.
Ok it's much more peotic in French but I can't find a poetic way to say it in English... Sorry about that. You get the meaning anyway XD