"Quinn, we need to have an intervention."
Quinn looked up from her book to see the entire glee club. Well the entire glee club except for...
"Where's Rachel?"
"Well, she's kind of the reason we wanted to talk." Artie revealed softly.
Quinn's perplexed look quickly turned into the head bitch glare reminiscent of her head cheerleader days.
"And you assume I would be fine with you all talking about my girlfriend behind her-"
"We need you and Rachel to stop having sex."
Quinn looked incredulously at Tina.
"What? Why do you all even care about our sex life?"
Finn sighed softly.
"Because if you keep this up we're not going to have a chance a Regionals. What with Rachel being well... "
"Being what? Has she said something? Implied?" Quinn screeched. "Is she unhappy with our relationship? She doesn't regret it, does she? I tried to make it perfect for her and I thought she really enjoyed it but... Oh no! She hates it doesn't she? I'm bad in bed and I can't satisfy her-"
She was cut off by Santana's loud bark of laughter.
"Trust me, Blondie your lack of tongue technique is not the problem here."
Quinn looked over to her friend with hopeful skepticism.
Santana sighed. Dios mio.
"Let Auntie Tana break it downz fo' you. Every night you take Shortie home, throw her on your bed and let all those repressed sexual urges bubble over... and you basically fuck her brains out."
"So I'm too rough-"
"Do not cut me off bitch!"
"..."
"So as I was saying. You fuck her into a coma and she passes out into total bliss. She wakes up in the morning calm, relaxed, and pretty much out of it. She's satisfied. Completely and utterly satisfied."
"And that's a bad thing?"
"For new directions? It's terrible! Who drives us forward? Pushes us to be our best? Picks our set list? Mr. Shue? No. Just... no. I mean come on! Hairography anyone? But seriously, without that midget nagging us towards perfection, we're screwed! Unless you go back to your 'Teasing not pleasing' method, of course."
Quinn frowned.
"But I like pleasing Rachel."
"Okay I never thought I'd say this," Kurt cut in. "But I agree with Satan, your sex life has gotten out of hand. I casually mentioned over lunch that Barbra Streisand was a two-bit has-been who's lost her star power. And you know what she did? She shrugged and said that everyone was in titled to their own opinions! She didn't even stop smiling."
"And that loopy smile is getting her into trouble." Mike added. "Second hour, the math teacher thought she was high."
"Hell, I though she was high too!" Mercedes declared. "She asked if I wanted her solo because 'she didn't feel it necessary to receive all the applause'. That girl lives for applause!"
"Totally." Finn agreed. "And now when I sing a duet she doesn't change a thing. My voice cracked so bad yesterday I thought I was going through puberty again, and she just laughed and told me I should switch to soprano."
"She understood what I said." Brittney added. "Without S translating. It was like a dusk area."
"Twilight zone, honey."
"Look, baby mama." Puck reasoned. "I'm all for hot lesbian sex. And this summer, when it's not a threat to glee, go for it. Just let me know so I can schedule your pool to be cleaned that day."
"Alright, fine. I'll get her so sexually frustrated and without release she'll throw herself into New Directions and win us Nationals. However I do have one request."
"Anything." came the unanimous reply.
"This summer, you are going to plan a summer long glee camping trip. And me and Rachel will tell our parents we're coming along. However, we will not be going to 'explore the great out doors'. Instead we will be staying at a five star hotel courtesy of our loving glee friends. Understood?"
Grudgingly, New Directions agreed and along with Quinn, headed off to their respective classes.
None of them noticed a prideful Sue Sylvester, hiding behind a book case and wiping away a tear.
"Oh Quinn. My manipulative, sneaky gay. I always knew you reminded me of a young Sue Sylvester."