Random Stupidity 4. The usual excuses, disclaimers, etc. Thanks to Sapphy and her flat mate for the idea of 'tiger wang' in the first place, and Star for once again wading through my madness. I should point out that in my random stupidity fics I do not try to stay strictly in character for any of the characters portrayed in them. It's my way of giving my very warped sense of humour an outlet.
Tiger Tiger Burning Bright
Joker sat staring at his monitor deep in thought. Someone was going to have to give Shepard and Alenko a kick start and it would obviously have to be him. He could understand that Alenko might be nervous about seducing his commanding officer, but hell, he was acting like a damn virgin. He was going to tarnish the reputation of marines all over the galaxy if he kept this little act up. Shepard wasn't much better, although she at least had thrown out a ton of hints but Alenko was obviously too stupid to pick up on them. The woman practically drooled every time she looked at Alenko, and they both spent so much time checking out each other's butts he was surprised that they actually managed to finish any of their missions.
He was sure he'd seen something advertised on one of his 'special' extranet sites and went searching for it. It might be just the thing to get them both going. He was so intent on what he was doing he didn't even hear Ash coming up behind him.
"Hey Joker. What are you up to?"
"Damn, Williams. You nearly gave me a heart attack. I thought you were Shepard."
"The Skipper knows you look at extranet porn. What's the big deal?"
"I'm sure you of all people have noticed how Shepard and Alenko sneak peeks at each other every chance they get. But they're never going to get it together because of the regs, so I've decided to give them a helping hand."
"And that helping hand has something to do with extranet porn sites?" She couldn't wait to see where he was going with this line of thought.
"Yes and no. There's no way I'd get them both watching porn together but I saw something advertised that might help. Its powdered tiger wang, an aphrodisiac."
"How are you going to get both the skipper and LT in the same place, on their own, to pull that off?"
He looked at her and snickered. "Well it's almost time for the monthly reports to be done and Shepard always makes sure there's food and a jug of juice available. The plan is to spike their food with it as well as add a bit of something to their juice then let nature take its course."
"I thought she normally went over the monthly crew reports with Pressly. How are you going to swing it so LT gets the job?"
"I've got it all worked out. Pressly won't be able to attend the meeting once he eats his dinner and chocolate laxative dessert." He paused as he imagined the 'oh so proper and formal' Pressly having to tell Shepard the reason he couldn't attend the meeting. "I've got it! I'm going to spike their juice with ryncol. Might have to make it tomato juice though to mask the taste."
"Like a bloody Mary?"
"Yeah but with a lot extra bloody."
"You are truly evil Joker. Are you sure this stuff isn't dangerous? Isn't ryncol the stuff Krogan's drink? I thought it knocked humans on their asses. Your plan will fall apart if they both pass out."
"Of course I'm sure. It's just an aphrodisiac and combined with the ryncol it should help them along a bit. As for the ryncol I'm sure both of them can handle it. So are you going to help me or not? I'm going to need someone to do the leg work. That was the one flaw in my plan."
Ash grinned at him. "I'm in, when do we start?"
"Well, first we have to order the stuff from the extranet. We'll be at the Citadel in a couple of days so I'll arrange to have it shipped to a buddy of mine there. The weekly meeting is scheduled 5 days from now so that gives us plenty of time to get things planned."
Joker and Ash sat in the cockpit watching Shepard and Alenko consume the food and drink that contained Joker's little helpers.
"Shouldn't be long now. The crew reports have degenerated into comments on who has the hots for who and they're both starting to squirm in their seats."
"I don't know whether we should be watching this Joker. If they start getting hot and heavy I'm out of here. I'm not a voyeur like you. Leave them be now."
Ash's words proved prophetic as Shepard stood up to get something and stumbled only to be caught in LT's arms.
"I told you the tiger wang and the ryncol would work. Look at that." Joker grinned, looking like the cat that'd swallowed the canary.
Ash reached over and hit the button that turned the monitor off.
"Never had you pegged as a prude, Williams." Joker gave her a disgusted look and shrugged. He'd achieved what he'd set out to do now it was up to Shepard and Alenko. Besides he really didn't need to see Alenko naked.
In Shepard's cabin things were getting very hot and heavy as both their shirts hit the floor, soon followed by Shepard's bra. The monthly reports were forgotten as Kaidan pulled her onto his lap.
A short time later Kaidan pulled away from her as she groaned her disapproval.
"I'm hot, Shepard."
"Yes you are. I definitely agree."
"No, I mean are you hot?"
"Aren't you supposed to be telling me that, not asking?" She giggled as she tried to pull him back to her.
"No, I mean it's hot in here. I feel like I'm on fire."
"I do too, Kaidan."
But he wasn't listening as he was too busy stripping the rest of his clothes off, while trying to maintain his balance.
She had a nice view of his naked butt as he headed to the bathroom. The sound of the shower running broke into her thoughts. She was wondering whether she should join him when she heard him moan. This was followed by a bang and she decided that she should probably go and help him. She walked into the bathroom to find Kaidan slumped against the wall staring down at his hands.
"Shepard? Look. Feel this. Do you think it's swollen?"
She looked through bloodshot eyes at him. Her eyes immediately going to his crotch. "Are you crazy? I'm not touching anything that looks like that." She started giggling. "Down you go, Lieutenant."
She staggered over to him as he slumped against the wall not giving any conscious thought to the water that was falling on her. The cold water and her concern for Kaidan sobered her up a bit. She was doing her best not to notice his naked body too much as she tried to help him but there were some things that just couldn't be ignored. He lurched against her. His dead weight make her slip and they fell to the shower floor together. She found herself pinned underneath him with the shower spray falling directly onto her face.
Well that's just great I can see the headlines now. Commander Shepard drowns in own shower with an unconscious naked junior officer on top of her. She couldn't help giggling at that.
"Joker," she bellowed, trying to turn her head away from the cold water. "I know you can hear me. I need help here. Alenko's passed out on top of me. Send Pressly or some other male; just make sure it's someone discreet."
While she waited, she tried once again to wiggle out from under her naked Lieutenant. The effort was too tiring so she lay still and tried to work out how she'd ended up in this position in the first place. The sound of footsteps and a female voice broke through her thoughts.
"Should I come back later Commander? You both look pretty turned on."
"Oh God. I told Joker to send someone male and discreet." Ash's words made her realise the room was bathed in a blue glow.
"Thanks Skipper. I can leave if you want me to."
"Freeze marine! When you've finished ogling Alenko's butt can you at least turn the shower off before I drown? And as for the biotics I don't why they are switched on but I don't seem to be able to switch them off."
"I'm not ogling exactly Skipper. I'm just looking at the fact that his whole body is all red and splotchy." Ash leaned forward and turned off the water much to Shepard's relief.
Shepard couldn't help it; she started giggling and didn't seem able to stop. "Just my luck. I finally get Alenko in my cabin and he's allergic to me."
"You don't know the half of it Commander." I just hope neither of you remember this tomorrow or Joker and I are well and truly in the shit. Joker's voice over the comm interrupted her thoughts.
"Williams, will someone please tell me what's going on?" Shepard's bathroom was one of the few places on board where he didn't have monitoring access.
Ashley went into the main cabin and spoke directly into the monitor. "Seems like you're plan worked, to a point, Joker. LT's naked and the skipper is topless. Only trouble is he's totally out of it, and she's a giggling mess. You might also like to know that LT looks like he's having some kind of allergic reaction. How much of that stuff did you use?"
"All of it. A spoonful of the stuff didn't seem enough." Damn, I wish I had a monitor in Shepard's bathroom."
"All of it? Are you crazy? You better be wishing that neither of them remembers any of this in the morning."
"Chief." Shepard's voice interrupted their conversation. "As much as having Alenko naked on top of me might be a personal fantasy, I don't remember imagining a part where he was passed out and crushing me to death. There's also something poking into me."
"Joker, I have to get back in there. Why did I let myself get talked into this mess?"
"Take pictures," Joker called out as she disappeared from his monitor.
Ash re-entered the bathroom and immediately tried to help Shepard out from under Kaidan; a difficult task given that Shepard kept breaking into giggles every 2 seconds.
"Skipper, you might want to help me a bit here, instead of thinking about your fantasies." I can't believe this is the cool, calm, collected Commander Shepard. Now I know not to drink ryncol.
It took a monumental effort but Ash finally got Shepard out from under LT as she wondered how to solve the next problem. How the hell was she going to get him to the medbay without any help? Shepard was pretty much useless now. She was leaning against the wall alternating between breathing and laughing while she stared at LT's butt.
"Shepard. You need to focus. How are we going to get LT to the medbay?" Ash spoke very slowly in the hopes her words would get through.
"We need to get one of those wheelie things." Ash's blank look had her giggling again. "You know, the thing with the wheels."
"You mean a gurney, Skipper. Well that's a good plan, except for the fact that we won't be able to lift him onto it."
"I'll go get one now."" Shepard pushed herself off the wall, and almost tripped over Alenko, who seemed to actually be starting to show some signs of life.
"Commander you might want to put a shirt on, unless you want to walk through the ship topless."
It was clear that she was going to have enough trouble walking the short distance to the medbay, let alone managing to pull a shirt on. Ash sighed. "Stay here, I'll get you a shirt." By the time she got back to the bathroom, Shepard and LT were both sitting against the wall. He'd managed to regain enough sense to pull a towel across his lap although it couldn't hide the fact that he seemed to have a permanent erection. Shepard was still giggling. She handed Shepard the shirt and looked at Kaidan.
"LT, do you think you can stand up enough to get to the medbay? Or even to get your pants on?"
He looked blankly at her for a moment before nodding slowly. She retrieved his pants from the floor in the cabin and handed them to him. It soon became obvious that he would need some help getting them on. After a lot of struggling and some hindrance rather than help from Shepard, they finally managed it.
"Ok, LT, now if you can stand up, you can lean on me and I'll get you to Dr Chakwas."
Kaidan staggered to his feet, stumbling slightly until he managed to get some support from the wall. Ash reached down, grabbed Shepard's hand and pulled her up. Shepard had managed to get her head through one of the arms of her shirt and Ash debated whether to help her get it on properly. Oh to hell with it, that's good enough.
"Skipper, why don't you go and lay down? I'll get LT to medbay." She was really regretting helping Joker. I should know better by now than to get involved in one of Joker's pranks.
Shepard stumbled her way across the cabin, bumping into a chair as she went. She would wonder in the morning how she got all the bruises but for now she was just trying to concentrate on making it to the bed.
Ash watched her before turning back to Alenko. "Ok LT, put your arm over my shoulder and we'll go to Medbay. You might want to keep the towel draped over your…" She paused for a moment trying to come up with the right words before finally saying "Man basket." The going was slow but luckily there was no-one in the mess to see them.
Dr Chakwas looked up as they entered and immediately came forward to help.
"What happened to him Williams?" Dr Chakwas asked as they managed to get Kaidan to one of the beds.
"I don't know Doctor. As far as I know, he and Shepard were doing the monthly reports when she called Joker and said she needed help. I was in the cockpit with Joker at the time so I went to see what was happening." Ash decided it was far safer to feign ignorance. Dr Chakwas looked at her with a far too knowing eye.
"Monthly reports? What happened to his shirt? He's drunk and that rash and the swelling on his extremities certainly indicate an allergic reaction to something.
"He's allergic to me. I knew it." Shepard said from the entrance of the medbay where she was clutching the door for support. She had managed to get her arms through the remaining holes in her shirt and was still lit up like a Christmas tree with her biotics.
Ash groaned. That was all she needed.
Dr Chakwas took in Shepard's disheveled appearance. "Commander, you're drunk. What the hell have you been drinking?"
"Juice," Shepard replied in a small voice as she made her way to where Kaidan was laying and draped herself over his chest murmuring indecipherably. She had gone from the giggling stage to being miserable.
"Looks like they both might have been the victims of a silly prank. You wouldn't happen to know anything about it would you Williams?"
"No, ma'am. Do you know what's wrong with him?"
"It's strange. The only time I've ever seen a rash like this was when a corporal decided he needed an aphrodisiac. He believed some advertisement on the extranet that said it would make him bigger. As it turns out the poor fellow was allergic to it. Swelled up like a balloon as well. It could have been life threatening. But Alenko doesn't seem the type to either want or need an aphrodisiac." She looked pointedly in the direction of his crotch.
Ash blushed and hung her head. "Will he be Ok, Dr Chakwas?"
"He'll be fine but you'd better get Shepard to bed. I don't think I'll get any sensible answers out of either of them tonight."
Ashley just wanted to get the hell out of there as she pried Shepard away from the Lieutenant. She knew that Dr Chakwas had a pretty good idea of who was behind the prank given the fact that she'd specifically mentioned an aphrodisiac from the extranet.
Dr Chakwas watched them leave, then shaking her head turned her attention to Kaidan who was already drifting off to sleep and mumbling incoherently about Shepard. She would make it a point to let him know in the morning that he'd been the victim of a prank. That's if he remembers any of it. Given the condition both he and Shepard are in I can't imagine them remembering anything. She administered some medication for the allergic reaction then left him to sleep it off.
Kaidan woke feeling disoriented and with the beginnings of a migraine.
"Lieutenant, you're awake. How do you feel?" She was pleased to see that certain issues that had come up last night had now settled down.
"Dr Chakwas what happened? Last thing I remember was going to Shepard's cabin to do the monthly reports. How did I end up here, and what happened to my shirt?"
"Williams brought you here. You appear to have had an allergic reaction to something you ate or drank. I'm guessing it was some sort of aphrodisiac, but I won't know for sure until I get the blood test results analysed. I couldn't get anything coherent out of Shepard last night, and I doubt her memory will be any better than yours this morning. You didn't use an aphrodisiac intentionally did you?"
"I would never do that Doctor." He flushed with embarrassment. "Is Shepard ok?"
"She's sleeping it off as far as I know. I was about to go and check on her."
Kaidan watched her go. He'd had some weird dreams about being naked in the shower with Shepard but they had all been so vague that he initially doubted it had actually happened. However, after the doctor's comments, he started to worry that the dreams might actually have been real. He could only think of one person who would have laced their drinks and who would have given him an aphrodisiac. Joker.
He began to feel embarrassed and angry. Joker had finally pushed him to the point where he thought he would have to get his revenge or die trying. Joker had pushed him before but this time he had gone too far. God knows what the hell happened last night. If his weird dreams were not in fact dreams, he had finally gotten Shepard in his arms, where he wanted her. But he couldn't remember any of it and that alone was worth the worst thing he could think of to do to Joker.
Kaidan lay still for a moment. Joker considered himself a bit of a ladies' man and an expert when it came to women. He remembered some of Joker's comments on an extranet site that the smartass bastard had showed him. Kaidan grinned. The idea forming in his mind was perfect. Yeah we'll see who ends up red and embarrassed next time. This was going to be fun!