Title: The
Breakfast Club Movie Review
Author: TWBasketCase
Rated:
To for mild language and other stupid shit
Summary:
Harmless parody One-Shot. What our beloved characters think about our
beloved melodramatic movie.
A/N: Will be short, retarded,
and hopefully funny. I've been watching way too much comedy lately
and in turn, I've wanted to write some humor. If this sucks, drop
me a line and let me know! All flames are welcome today, okay?
Bender: What did she say this part was called again?
Claire: I'm pretty sure that it was a 'disclaimer'
Me: It was! Hurry up and say it so my ass can't get sued!
Bender: If you don't disclaim, can't I technically sue you since you don't own me?
Me: No because you don't own you either.
Bender: Well that hardly seems fair!
Me: Life ain't fair, shithead. Now say the damn disclaimer.
Andy: She doesn't own the Breakfast Club.
Me: (swoons): You are too sexy!
And On With the Show…
The stage is empty and quiet; a large black curtain is draped across it, with only five equally black chairs set strategically in front of the curtain, each with a silver star across the back. The silence is almost deafening, as not even an audience is present throughout the entire theatre. It isn't until a distant set of footsteps is heard approaching the stage that the silence ends. No shit, eh?
BRIAN (looks directly into the camera): Uh, hello there! I wanted to come out here and thank you for being with us tonight. It isn't very often that such an occurrence as this happens! What I mean is, (he straightens his collar) I'm in a movie! It's about…
Bender joins him on stage; he is clearly stoned or something.
JOHN: Enough of your blabbing, Big Bry! You have to have some flash if you're going to impress the people! Some pizzazz and all that other shit!
BRIAN: And what exactly is 'pizzazz' defined as?
JOHN: Why are you asking me? You're the brainiac.
BRIAN: I just wanted to see if YOU knew…
JOHN: So you're testing my intelligence, smart guy? Is that it?
BRIAN (gulps): Uh, no definitely not! That would hardly be acceptable of me…
JOHN: So what is 'pizzazz' then?
BRIAN (smiles): Dazzling style…flamboyance…flair.
JOHN (winces): That sounds awfully gay…
BRIAN: As in homosexual?
JOHN (nods): Yeah…
BRIAN: And how does one sound gay?
JOHN: You know!
BRIAN: …
A face pokes through the curtain quickly and cuts the two boys off, and they are momentarily engaged in conversation with the person behind the set. They seem to be in some sort of a hushed argument. Once finished, the two boys on stage straighten themselves out and clear their throats.
JOHN: Right…
BRIAN: As we were saying…
JOHN: Yours truly, Johnathon Edward Bender…
BRIAN: Or Jeb for short!
JOHN (glares): Shut up.
BRIAN: Sorry.
JOHN: I was born to be a star! This movie captured my complete on-screen personality dominance! My ruggedly handsome features! My insane sexual chemistry…
BRIAN: They also cut a lot of those parts out…
JOHN: Why do you have to keep stealing my thunder, huh?
BRIAN: Not stealing, just pointing out…
JOHN (glares): Well cut it out, will you? You have a real bad tendency to make things look geeky and retarded.
BRIAN: I'm clearly trying to prevent you from doing that to yourself…
JOHN: THAT'S IT, GEEK!
John runs towards Brian, flipping a few of the chairs over in the process. Brian begins giggling madly, knowing full well that his friend wasn't going to hurt him - maybe wedgie him, but not hurt him. Before John can get to him, another male walks on stage, and this one is shorter than John, but a lot more muscular.
ANDY: I told you I didn't want to come out here…
JOHN: Come on, man! The geek is stinking up the place!
BRIAN: I showered before I came. My mom makes me shower before I leave the house and before the day ends. She says it helps prevent the spread of germs.
ANDY: You were supposed to introduce us and the movie. You haven't done either yet.
JOHN: Well I would've if he hadn't kept cutting me off!
ANDY (rolls eyes): I think we should get this started. Carl said that he had to have the auditorium cleaned before four o'clock.
BRIAN & JOHN: Right…
ANDY (stares into camera): This movie was made because we wanted to show that no matter what age or social class you come from…
JOHN: Or how many drugs you've done…
BRIAN: Or how many homicidal, genocidal, and suicidal thoughts you've had…
ANDY (looks at them strangely): You can make good friends with people…
JOHN: And get between their legs.
ANDY: Um…here's Allison and Claire. They're the leading female co-stars.
Claire walks onto the stage confidently, flashing the camera a dazzling grin. She is dressed in a long, flowing lavender evening gown that sparkles under the spotlights. Allison, on the other hand, followed behind Claire slowly. She wore black leather pants and a Robert Smith t-shirt with the sleeves cut off. Her hair was messy and she looked hung over.
CLAIRE: Hi boys!
JOHN, BRIAN, ANDY: (tongues fall on floor)
ALLISON: Die.
ANDY (shakes it off): Oops, I mean…I love you?
CLAIRE: This movie really does have a lot of underlying romance and love doesn't it? I think one of the ongoing themes is that opposites really do attract.
JOHN: Or like to get into each others' pants.
CLAIRE: Um, we are targeting a PG audience.
BRIAN: But the movie was Rated R.
ALLISON: Why the fuck?
ANDY: Fuck?
JOHN: It was all me, baby! I made this movie adult!
CLAIRE: Well, most of those parts were cut out…
BRIAN: Exactly what I said.
JOHN (rolls eyes): Not the point!
CLAIRE: Why don't we start from the beginning?
JOHN: Gee! Wouldn't that be a good idea!
CLAIRE: I think our general impressions of each other were pretty off at the get go. I thought the others were so dirty and disgusting! I mean, did you see how horribly John clashed?
BRIAN: I thought Allison had lice.
ANDY: I'm just glad that they cut out most of my dad's part. He's pretty racist.
JOHN: Well so is the director! Did you see that poor Chinese kid in 'Sixteen Candles'?
ALL: (stare blankly at Bender)
JOHN: What?
CLAIRE: The only person that I could tolerate was Andy, and that's just because every girl in the school wants to do him. I can live with that.
ANDY: Well I do have such chiseled features…
JOHN: Shut it, home boy! I came into the room and I was convinced that you were a total faggot. You had a patch of two boys doing it on your coat!
ANDY: Did not!
JOHN: Oh yes you did!
ANDY: No way!
ALLISON: I sewed it to a pair of my underwear.
ANDY: Wrestling is about grappling!
JOHN: And crotch grabbing!
BRIAN: And tights.
ANDY: Shut up!
CLAIRE: I think sweaty guys in tights are pretty hot. I mean, it makes for a really nice mental image, don't you think, Allison?
ALLISON: Do they have pictures of that in the yearbook?
CLAIRE (nods): Sure do! I keep that page marked!
ALLISON: I'd masturbate to it.
Pause
CLAIRE: What did you just say?!
ANDY: HAHAHAHAHA! I AM THE KING OF THE WORLD!
ALLISON: I told you, I'd do anything sexual…for free!
BRIAN (voice cracks dramatically): Are you for real?
ANDY: I sure fucking hope so!
JOHN (eyes are comically widened): You are one fucked up chick.
Allison shrugs.
CLAIRE: Anyways…
BRIAN: I think that Mr. Vernon played his part perfectly. I mean, it may have been a bit unfair to label teachers as common evil villains to all teenagers of all walks of life…
JOHN: Why? Dick is a douche.
BRIAN: Sure, we did need an antagonist for the movie, but it did give teachers a bad name.
JOHN: Teachers suck. I hate teachers, and I hate authority, and my parents.
ALLISON (snorts): And let me guess, you slit your wrists and cry and write shitty songs on your guitar?
JOHN: Like you'd know, you crazy bitch.
ANDY: Well back to the movie. Allison didn't even talk for half of it! Don't you think that you got a bit gypped in that aspect?
ALLISON: No.
ANDY: Why?
ALLISON: Because I stole the show at the end.
JOHN: Fuck that.
CLAIRE: Well I think it helped with the impact and all…
BRIAN: I didn't get her at all! She made no sense at all and was pretty much a walking contradiction. A character needs to have…some sort of sense...or significance…or…
ANDY: You don't think she has any significance? That's kinda mean.
ALLISON: Well I kinda didn't. I was just there…when I was on the camera I was either crying or acting crazy. I didn't really do anything that was all that important.
ANDY: What about me?
ALLISON: Well I guess I did have to make you look P-I-M-P
CLAIRE: And we were like BFF at the end!
JOHN: Okay, new topic!
CLAIRE: I think that our dance scene was one of the most popular and well received parts of the movie. At first we weren't all going to dance - just me.
JOHN: That's because the director was a pedophile and was in love with you.
BRIAN: You don't like that guy much, do you?
JOHN (shrugs): He was a douche too.
CLAIRE: I liked the idea of all of us breaking free and dancing together. Except Andy didn't really get to dance much…
BRIAN: Yeah, he kinda just played the air guitar. I got to do the Flash Dance thing!
JOHN: I rocked.
ALLISON: Die.
ANDY: I did too get to dance! Remember the pot smoking scene?
JOHN: HA! That's not something to be proud of, man.
CLAIRE: Agreed. That was totally off-key and cheesy as hell. I can't believe they cut me and John getting down and dirty in the closet in order to keep that shit on the reel. That was not cool.
BRIAN: Personally, I would've just done without the door breaking…
ANDY: Come on, guys! I didn't write the script!
ALLISON: That whole scene was ad-libbed and freelance, Andrew.
JOHN (laughing): Yeah, you moron! You did all of that yourself!
ANDY: Well, I…
CLAIRE: I really felt that Brian and I bonded during that scene. But, I mean, most of that was cut too…
ALLISON: The good movie was cut. The bad movie was shown. End of story.
JOHN: Well someone is a jealous jezebel.
ALLISON: Who seriously uses that word?
JOHN: Contrary to popular belief, I really do have a wide ranged dialogue.
ALLISON: You call every curse word and cheesy one-liner 'wide dialogue'?
JOHN: Oh and like you say much! Your dialogue was scripted and they STILL couldn't come up with something intelligent for you to say! "Oh look at me!" (messes hair and impersonates a crack whore) "When I grow up my heart'll die! I'll just have to fuckin' slit my throat because I can't even handle stupid shit by myself! WAH! WAAAAHH!"
ALLISON: Are you finished?
JOHN: "I'm such a nympho! I screw my shrink, and my teachers, and my dad!"
ANDY: Shut the fuck up, man.
JOHN: "Everyone hates me and I don't shower, and I just drown people in my dandruff and weepiness!"
ALLISON (kicks John in the nuts): Ooooh look at me! I have uncontrollable reflexes too! Who would've thought?!
John grabs his package and falls to the floor in pain. The others don't pay much heed to what happened, except for Claire. She runs across the room and high fives Allison.
CLAIRE: I wish they would've let me do that in the movie!
ANDY: Yes, I would agree that the sexual harassment was a bit much in the movie. I mean, what kind of person just randomly licks somebody's vagina? I mean, she could have had herpes or something!
CLAIRE: Andrew!
BRIAN: Well technically, he is right on that aspect. Not to say that you have anything, but the whole move seriously just seemed as though the writers were desperate for some sort of sexual action. I don't think it was all that necessary.
ANDY: And then there was the whole 'Calvins in a ball' scene. Once again, desperation for sex from Hollywood. What a sad place.
JOHN (from floor): I'm sure you wouldn't have been complaining if it were you.
ANDY: Probably not.
CLAIRE: Well at least all of the other sexuality was cut! Do you remember some of the stuff that they wanted us to do?
ALLISON: Yeah, I kinda took offense to them wanting me to hump Andrew's leg.
BRIAN: And my homo-erotic scene…
ANDY: Yeah, that boner thing was a bit much…
CLAIRE: And I didn't feel all that comfortable being naked in the closet…
JOHN: I'm still kind of pissed that they rejected my original idea for the movie. I mean, I had a good plot, excellent character development…
ANDY: You had me totally cut from the film! You had Brian doing voice-over commentary! The whole movie was about how both Allison and Claire wanted to fuck you, and then you did them both!
BRIAN: It was a porno!
JOHN: And modern art don't get much better than that!
CLAIRE: Okay, let's get back to the movie. I loved the lunch room scene.
ANDY: I ate so much food… (Starts drooling)
BRIAN: I didn't really enjoy getting picked on.
ANDY: I'm hungry.
ALLISON: I stole the show…again.
JOHN: I'm pleased to say that I came up with the whole 'Life at Brian's House' myself. Totally ad-libbed. They did cut out the part where I totally break out crying and dancing though.
CLAIRE: Yeah, I hope they put that on the blooper reel.
BRIAN: And that led into the Wang Chung hallway chase.
CLAIRE: And they couldn't have chosen a better singer.
JOHN: Yes, me and Wang were quite the team on set! We pulled many pranks, including: Putting laxatives in the catering, stealing Vernon's false teeth, giving the director a wedgie and then a tea bag…
BRIAN: What's a tea bag?
JOHN (looks shifty eyed): A mushroom tattoo?
BRIAN: Mushrooms?
JOHN: Corpse humping?
BRIAN: I don't…I…I-I don't really get what you're trying to say…
JOHN (sighs): We hit him in the forehead with our dicks.
BRIAN (blushes): Oh.
CLAIRE: Wang really was a good sport about the whole thing. There were a few instances where there were behavioral problems…
ALLISON: Okay, who the hell are you guys talking about?
JOHN: Uh, Wang Chung…duh…
CLAIRE: You know, that funny Chinese guy that was always on set?
BRIAN: The one who put a vibrator in my soup?
ALLISON: Wang Chung is a band.
ANDY: What are you talking about? We met Wang - one person! He was fun!
ALLISON: The guy you're talking about is that poor little Japanese kid from Sixteen Candles…
JOHN: You're serious?
ALLISON (nods): Yeah…why do you think he was so hostile towards the director?
ANDY: Yeah, he did bite him in the balls and started screaming "Fuck you American home boy dilector!" didn't he?
CLAIRE: Oh shit…
BRIAN: Um…I guess we should send him a 'sorry' card or something…
JOHN (stares into camera): I'm really sorry about that, dude…
ALLISON: Yeah, Wang Chung is totally two British white guys.
JOHN: That's pretty weird.
ANDY: But if you think about it, it does make sense. Unless there is massive stereotyping involved, it's not like the director would hire a foreign colored person to do work on his films…
CLAIRE: It all comes together now!
ALLISON: Fuckin' idiots…
BRIAN: Yeah, the whole soundtrack was white guys…
CLAIRE: No wonder it sucked…
JOHN: Speaking of which, are you guys not fucking sick of that 'Don't You' song? It was such a piece of shit!
ANDY: It's massively over played.
CLAIRE: I would've preferred something from Madonna.
JOHN: Like seriously! We're not drug addicts! I'm not gonna forget who someone is after one fucking day! And why were there constant references to the rain that kept falling down, down, down? What the hell did that have to do with anything?
BRIAN: Okay, so it wasn't the best song…
ALLISON: The one we danced to was better.
ALL: …
ANDY: Well I don't really think I have anything else left to say except for the fact that my kiss with Allison was top notch! I think we connected well, and it wasn't too overdramatic.
CLAIRE: Our kiss sucked. It didn't even look like we really touched each other.
JOHN: Well, I felt your boob with the back of my hand, so I didn't really care too much. Besides, I think that there might be something illegal about a 25 year old kissing a 16 year old passionately…
ALL: …
JOHN: I mean, uh…nevermind.
BRIAN: I didn't kiss anyone. Except for that stupid essay…
JOHN: I thought we decided that it was better that they cut your homo-erotic storyline out?
BRIAN (sighs): Yeah I guess so…
CLAIRE: So anyways, when I first saw this movie I probably would've rated it a nine out of ten. Now that we had this review session and totally pointed out all the flaws and stupid shit that happened, I think I actually might fail it…
BRIAN: I'll go six out of ten for the themes and storylines.
ALLISON: Three out of ten because it was clichéd and because John was in it.
ANDY: Well I want to go out positive and give it a nine out of ten for all of us trying our best. Minus one for the whole Wang Chung thing. What about you John?
JOHN: I licked Claire's vagina, touched her boob, threatened to stab Andy, I got high…and I was the star! What more could I want? 10 out of 10!
Claire (rolls eyes): Well I guess that…
BANG BANG BANG! A loud knocking comes from the door of the auditorium, followed by a rickety cart pushing through and entering. Carl stood staring at the kids with a dumbfounded expression on his face.
CARL: Are you done yet? I really have to get this cleaned…
BRIAN: We're reviewing the movie that we made for the press. Would you like to say anything?
CARL: Yeah, I'm really, really sorry to Martin Sheen. I'm a dick; I know…I'm sorry.
ANDY: …yeah that was really unacceptable.
JOHN: That was well put.
CARL: Yeah. That and I thought that my whole character was gypped. They cut this really good scene out where I throw a huge fit in the basement, and pull out a giant moose head prop. I was extremely intoxicated by that point, but it would've made for some great entertainment value.
CLAIRE: I think what you did with that lubrication and that head was extremely inappropriate.
CARL: You just take things way too seriously.
JOHN: Carl you're the man!
BRIAN: Well that's all for today! Thanks for viewing our movie…we hope that you get great pleasure from it.
CARL: I know I did!
ANDY: Until next time…
ALLISON: Die.
THE END
A/N: That was extremely random and bad, so sue me. I just want to state for the record that:1) I don't hate foreigners or Chinese/Japanese people
2) I don't hate John Hughes AT ALL. I was poking fun at backstage antics and reviewer comments.
3) Most of the deleted scenes I mentioned were FAKE. Please don't think otherwise…
4) Gedde Watanabe is a very talented actor, and the boy from Sixteen Candles, not Wang Chung.
5) Brian is not a homosexual, but I know a lot of people who love to think that he is, lol ;)
6) I don't hate gypsies either…my use of the word 'gypped' was just…tasteless, I know. I'm sorry.
And that's all, I think. If there's anything else that I said that pissed you off, let me know. Ha! I hope you find it in your hearts to see the entertainment value (if there's any at all), but either way please drop me a line and let me know. I love you all.