Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Fan Fiction
'50 Shades of Green'
"It stinks down here", whined Michaelangleo.
"We can't afford the rent for even a one bed apartment in Manhattan you twat, we've discussed this", replied Leonardo.
Michaelangelo looked back at his brother, a bemused look on his face, "But, Leo, if we tried to get jobs instead of fighting Shredder and Krang, we might be able to save enough for a deposit."
"Look, for the last fucking time, we are bipedal turtle men ninjas. We can't just roll up at MacDonalds and start flipping burgers you prick" snapped Leonardo, angrily.
"We could get jobs that allowed us to work from home, nobody would ever see us" simpered Michaelangelo, yearning for a bedroom that didn't get raw sewage pumped in to it sporadically throughout the day.
"Just fuck off" barked Leonrado, storming out of that section of the sewer the four brothers and their rat sensei referred to as 'the kitchen'.
Michaelangelo drew a deep breath and sighed. He picked up his Columbo style mackintosh and slung it over his shoulder, heading towards the ladder that led to the world above. He looked back briefly at his other brothers, asking them whether they would like to join him for a venture outside and, upon seeing them not even acknowledge his suggestion, he wearily carried on scaling the rungs.
The manhole cover scraped across the tarmac of 111th Street as Michaelangelo climbed out of the sewer and breathed in the pollution filled air of Manhattan. He looked around, taking in the familiar smells and sights of late night Harlem and quickly decided to head to the nearest pizza parlour for some food.
Pushing open the poorly cleaned door of 'Campbellos Ristorante', Michaelangelo promptly took a seat in a booth away from the other diners to ensure nobody spotted he wasn't a man but, in fact, a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. The waiter sauntered over casually "Good evening sir, my name is Patrick, what would you like?"
"Ummmm, can I get a large pepperoni please" replied Michaelangelo, "…extra olives."
"An excellent choice sir, and to drink?.. Might I recommend a glass of the Chateau Green"
"Just a half bottle of Lambrini please." Shrugged Michaelangelo indifferently.
Patrick nodded, "Certainly sir" placing a slip of paper on Michaelangelo's table and wandering off in to the kitchen.
Michaelangelo gazed around the restaurant at the other diners, a slight feeling of jealousy coming over him as he contemplated their lives living above the sewers of Manhattan. Suddenly his eyes stopped at a shadowy figure on the other side of the restaurant. Despite not being able to properly make out who it was, they seemed strangely familiar. Before he had time to think about who it might be, Michaelangelo's pizza and half bottle of Lambrini arrived.
"Your meal sir" beamed Patrick, gently placing the pizza and carbonated wine before Michaelangelo.
Michaelangelo smiled, "Thank you Patrick."
"Pepper sir?" asked Patrick, brandishing his phallic over-sized pepper mill toward Michaelangelo's face.
Michaelangelo shook his head, "no thank you, it's fine as it is."
Michaelangelo greedily tucked in to his pizza and Lambrini, savouring the heady mixture of poorly cooked face meat, cheese and shitty carbonated wine. As he dined, Michaelangelo failed to notice that the shadowy figure he had noticed whilst awaiting his meal was moving closer.
"Enjoying your meal?" growled the shadowy figure, now standing right next to the booth Michaelangelo was dining in.
Michaelangelo looked up, instantly recognising the voice of his arch nemesis Shredder. He leapt to his feet, reaching for his trusty nunchaku only to realise he had left them at home. "SHREDDER!" he cried.
"Easy Michaelangelo, I'm unarmed" replied Shredder, calmly placing his hand on Michaelangelo's shoulder. "I just want to talk."
Michaelangelo suddenly felt strangely at ease and, against his better judgement, returned to his seat.
Shredder sat in the booth, directly opposite and poured himself a large glass of Lambrini. "We all need time out" said Shredder, raising his glass towards Michaelangelo and smiling broadly under his metal mask.
"So you, you don't want to fight?" enquired Michaelangelo, inquisitively.
"Far from it, Mike… May I call you Mike?" asked Shredder. "You know, working for Krang is a day job, like working in an office or as a Taxidermist" he added. "I dream the same way you dream, Mike… Of a simple life, where I can wear jeans or chinos and t-shirt with a witty phrase printed on it rather than weird S&M razor armour and a cape" Shredder said, his shoulders dropping as he opened his heart to a mutant ninja turtle he had been fighting with only hours earlier. "I know what you mean, dude" Michaelangelo said smiling. "Sometimes it all gets too much."
And so, the pair continued to dine at 'Campbello's Ristorante' together, breaking down years of ninja battle based tension as they enjoyed the food and Lambrini. Before they knew it Patrick came over and coughed quite obviously next to their booth "Ahem, we are about to close gentlemen."
Shredder and Michaelangelo argued over the bill like a pair of old women, each insisting they would pay for the others food. Realising neither of them had any pockets in their respective clothing, Shredder promptly stabbed the waiter with the razor sharp blades that adorned his armour and the pair ran from the restaurant.
Once they felt they were far enough from the scene of the crime, the pair ran in to an alleyway and stopped, both out of breath, hearts pounding. "I suppose I should thank you for taking care of the bill" said Michaelangelo smiling. "Oh, it was my pleasure" replied Shredder.
"So, ummm, I guess this is where we say goodbye" said Michaelangelo coyly. Shredder reached up to his face mask and unclipped the catches that attached it to his helmet. He slowly removed the mask to reveal his chiselled, stubbly Hispanic jaw. "It doesn't have to be" said Shredder smiling and taking Michaelangelo by his large green hand. "I live just over there" Shredder added, pointing to a rundown block of apartments well within walking distance.
The two headed back to Shredder's apartment, neither talking but the feel of each other's hand saying more than any words could ever say. No sooner had Shredder shut the door to his apartment than the two were kissing passionately against Shredder's Ikea drapes. Shredder took Michaelangelo by the hand and led him to the bedroom, pushing him to the bed and saying "I'm going to fuck you out of your shell you dirty green slag" as he frantically tried to unleash his throbbing member from his over complex to access clothing.
Michaelangelo gasped as Shredder's generous meat truncheon sprang in to view. Then they had dirty human on turtle sex for hours, despite Michaelangelo not having any discernible genitals to speak of.
THE END