Okay so here's chapter one of my serious book this book is my plan to bring awareness to some certain body issues and most importantly by the end I hope it teaches you to love yourself because no matter what you're beautiful babes merry ChristmasChapter one
I lay on my knees in the bathroom forcing myself to throw up the piece of pizza I had just eaten with my brother. All I felt as I hitched my gut out into the toilet bowl was self loathing and numbness. That and the blood running down my arm from the fresh cut I had produced a moment earlier. Not that it would be there for long, tomorrow i'd be with my boyfriend Sebastian and at my modeling agency. Where they would cover my cuts and scars while all the friends I had made there would stare at me scared for my own life. Finally my stomach stopped and I leaned back wiping the resedue from my mouth gently. Millions of things raced through my mind was it normal for a nineteen year old girl to feel this? I used to feel so alive and normal when i'd first started modeling at seventeen. I'm told I have the perfect life a perfect dark and handsome boyfriend a nice loving family but all of it is fake almost. All I could think of now was how did I let it get this far?
A year earlier
I came back from my photo shoot happily walking down the side walk to my apartment building. The day had been perfect especially the victoria secret shoot I had been hired to do. Unlocking my apartment door 217 on the top floor I walked in to find my boyfriend Sebastian and I's apartment empty. Well apartment was an understatment it was more like a loft one that I had decorated beautifully actually. Walking over to the fridge I pulled out a box of pizza and started to watch netflix finishing off the box lazily. Ten minutes later while I was on the last slice Sebastian walked in and came over to the couch giving me a small kiss on the cheek. He sat there watching american horror story with me untill he noticed the pizza box. Sebastian raised his eyebrow at me and I looked back at him innocently. "yeah?" I asked confused at what his deal was at the moment. He took the empty pizza box and took the piece of pizza out of my hand going to throw it away. "Hey!" I shouted at him grabbing my piece of pizza who did he honestly think he was taking my food. "I was about to finish that" I said to him crossing my arms taking the last bite of it. All he did was just shake his head at me and stuff the box into the trash can. "What is your deal?" I said between muffled chewing of pizza. "How many piece did you have?" he asked me, why did it matter. "I had three why?" he was acting weird and I didn't like what he was implying.
"Clary you're getting fat you need to watch what you're eating just look at you"
Furrowing my eyebrows I walked over to the mirror and pulled up my shirt sebastian standing behind me. I was 5'4 and like barely a hundred pounds I saw nothing wrong with my weight but was there? No one had said anything about it.
"Clarissa come on look at you it's not like anyones going to say something to you about your weight but trust me you should see the looks people give you when they see your stomach"
What should it matter how much I weigh? Did people really give me looks though behind my back because they thought I was fat. I guess I could use to lose a few pounds...I guess.
"What if I don't want to lose weight"
"Then lets take it this way i've never had a chubby or fat girlfriend"
His words shocked me. How could he even say that to me he said he would love me no matter what I looked like. Did he mean he wouldn't care what I looked like unless I was skinny. Furious I stormed off to the bathroom and locked the door crying in the corner. Five minutes later there was a knock on the door. It was obvious it was him but I didn't care I didn't feel like talking to him. He was awful truly awful but I couldn't leave, actually yes I could. Unlocking the door I pushed past him and into our bedroom pulling down both of our bags and he just stood looking at me. "What is this?" he asked looking at me like I was crazy but I didn't care this was happing. "Me or you" I said like it was obvious "either you leave or I will." Sebastian grabbed his bag throwing it back up into the closet then followed by mine. "I can't go because I like it here to much" the look he gave me made fear rise inside of my gut. "Also because you're my little worthless hoe remember" he came around twisting my arm behind my back and cupping a hand around my neck so I was pressed against the front of his body. "Without me" he hissed in my ear "you're just another worthless bitch remember? just a pretty little face with no family." I tried to squirm away but he twist my arm harder and I cried out while he pushed me on the bed and locked the door. He got on top of me and I tried to slap at him but he held my hands tight above my head. "Try and leave me" he dared his eyes holding something dark in them "and i'll find you and I hope you know what i'll do to you." Scared I nodded knowing the bruises would be there tomorrow and i'd have to have my make up artist cover them once again. I thought he was done with this that once was the only time he'd do it. "Good girl" he said patting my face a little to harshly. His hands started to roam and began undressing me. It was just best to let him to this. It was true though without him I was nothing, Without Sebastian I was worthless.
The next day I hailed a cab alone and got in alone. I gave the driver the destination quickly and he took off towards my follow up shoot for Victoria Secret. Carefully I pulled out my blush and concealer trying to hide the small bruise on my cheek. While I was doing this I could his eyes were on my face. "Yes?" I asked politly I really didn't know how to be rude no one deserved to me barked at or hurt. The boy just looked at me, he seemed a little young to be driving a cab about my age eighteen or a year older which would make him ninteen. "Where'd you get that bruise ma'am?" and I just shrugged my shoulders as if I didn't know. As we sat in a small traffic jam he looked back at me. His hair was a golden blonde and his eyes like gold orbs staring into my green ones. Those eyes looked like they knew everything going on in my life. Slowly he extended me his hand and I took it. He took his away and inside of my palm rest a card and a number. It read Jonathan Herondale and then his number across the bottom. My eyes looked up at his face a small tear falling down my cheek. "Call me if you need to ever talk i'm not just a cabi you know" he said and wiped the tear from my eyes. For the rest of the ride we sat in silence as I proceeded to fix my face. I probably wouldn't call him ever but the gesture is what mattered to me the most. He stopped the cab and I got out careful not to trip over my stiletto's and started walking. His arm shot out though and he poked me gently. Turning around I smiled at him "what's your name?" he asked. "Clarissa but you can call my Clary Adele Fray" I said and a small smile formed on his lips.
"Well Clary Adele Fray if I happen to see you on a bill board which will likely happen with your carrer and your beauty then i'll make sure to keep you in my mind"
"Thank you Jonathan"
"Call me Jace goodbye Ms. Fray"
"Goodbye Jace Herondale"
Then he took off as I walked into the large building glad I had covered my small bruise.
Back to Now
I never did see him again but I always kept him in mind. Whenever I got into a cab I just randomly hoped he would be in there but as the year past I gave up the hope. I continued to stay with Sebastian and it didn't stop but what could I do not leave him thats what. That's how this all started and it just kept getting worse. Now I was on the brink of breaking not that I let people know I was already broken mostly. I know what you're thinking did you keep the card? and yes I did. It's in my purse but not that i'd ever get the courage to call him. I bet he forgot about me anyway even if I was all over billboards with my fellow models and angels. Like Sebastian said I was nothing special and I could be forgoten and replaced any minute.
Hope you enjoyed this chapter it'll get better I promise and yes if you all are wondering this is and will turn in a Clace story probably not soon but it'll happen have faith and until next time merry Christmas once again