As the snow was slowly falling on the streets of Gotham, the fireplace was burning brightly in a grim, although nicely decorated room. Except for the fireplace, the room was furnitured with impressive bookshelves and a desk. A bald man, wearing a red robe, was sitting in a nice, red armchair at the desk, with his back facing the fire. He seemed to be immersed in reading a book before looking forward.
"Hello there, my dear listeners.", he said and smiled.
"Since it's Christmas, cold December,
I shall give you a good story
that I happened to remember
which is obviously quite gory.
Even though it's time of giving
People just can't have enough
As much as they like receiving
Taking life isn't that tough.
Some time before Arkham Incident...
I slowly opened my eyes, regaining consciousness. I noticed some light, but my vision was too blurry to identify what was the source of it. I also heard some sounds, mostly people talking. Suddenly, I heard a familiar, feminine, subtle voice.
"Holy fuck, he's alive!", Harley yelled.
"Please, tell me I'm dead.", I said as the picture in front of my eyes became clear.
Our base was completely destroyed and engulfed in flames.
Joker was wearing Batman costume.
Wacky was dressed up as Mel Gibson in ''Braveheart''.
Sharky was laying on the ground, mumbling incoherently.
Harley was dressed up as a Christmas elf. She was also holding two boxes of Chinese food.
Maybe I didn't really want to be dead afterall.
"What... what happened?", I asked, rubbing my poor, aching head.
"You blacked out. You don't remember anything?", Grey asked with worried expresion.
"No.", I said with confusion. "What happened to our base?", I asked.
"That's a long story...", Wacky said.
"And now we have a perfect fireplace to set up the mood!", Jay said enthiustastically.
"Boss, a dozen of our guys burned to death back there.", Sharky said.
"Sharky, you're being a Negative Nancy.", Jay said. "Nobody likes Negative Nancy."
"It's more of a Shitty Sharky, boss.", Wacky said.
"Anyway, treat them as an incence, Sharky.", Joker said. "Where was I? Oh, that's right. A Christmas tale!"
Several hours earlier...
"Sharky, is that some weed that you're holding?", Wacky asked.
"It's a mistletoe, you dumbass."
"So, you're gonna make out with all the other guys?", Grey asked and chuckled. Reddie chuckled along with him.
"No, coño, I'm gonna hang it over Harley's bed, and then I'm gonna get a kiss. This way, Jay won't say anything. You know, he really loves all this Christmas stuff."
"You do realise that he will probably strap you to a rocket and shoot you into the sky on a New Year, though?", Reddie said.
"Still worth it."
"HAAARLEEEY!", the Joker yelled.
Harley ran into his room, panicked. "What happened?!"
"Where are my socks?", Jay asked, confused and worried.
"What?"
"My Christmas socks! You know, the ones that are stuffed with gifts that Santa brings. I need to find my socks!"
"Yeah, about Santa...", Harl said and stopped. She really didn't knew how to break it to him. "You see, Santa Claus..."
"I know, this fat, stinky German probably won't visit us.", Jay said and clenched his teeth in anger. "That old man thinks he's better than all of us. It all started from him.", he continued.
"Huh?"
"Remember what I told you when we first met? It was Christmas time, just like now. I told you that all it takes is one, bad day to reduce the sanest man alive to lunacy. I had a day like this once, you know? I don't exactly remember what happened... but before I knew it, there I was, in a chemical facility, wearing a suit and a red hood, when suddenly..."
"I know, puddin'. You fell into the vat of chemicals.", Harley said.
"NO! Santa threw me in it!"
"What?!"
"It was Santa's plan all along! First, he ruined my life by not giving me that Smokey Joe toy that I wanted, and then he threw me into that vat of chemicals to destroy me completely!", Joker yelled.
"But... why would he do that?", Harley asked, too confused to remember that Santa doesn't exist.
"To screw us all on taxes!"
"Wha..."
"It doesn't matter, the only thing that matters now is revenge! Christmas revenge, to be exact. I'll be needing a syringe, a tank, and a squadron of flying baby-monkeys, then..."
"D-don't you think that all those things may be pretty hard to get right now?", Harl said reluctantly.
"May be. Well, I'll have to find some other way to get revenge. Hmm... I know!", Joker shouted. "I'll steal some gifts and then, I'll give them away to all the bad guys in Gotham! Like 'In your face, Santa! Screw your rules!'. He'll choke on those damn gingerbread cookies. Which always used to creep me out, just by the way.", Jay said. "Are you with me, Harley?", he asked enthustiastically.
"... Sure thing, puddin'."
"You know what that means?"
Harley shook her head.
"Dress-ups Time!"
In presence...
"So that's why you're wearing the Bat's costume, boss?", I asked with confusion.
"No.", Jay said and sighted. "That's why Harley is a Christmas elf."
"Then how did you ended up in that costume?"
"Boss tried to steal it from the Bat. I mean, right off the Bat.", Grey said. "He didn't managed to get it, though. The Bat beat up his ass and Jay had to run for his life."
Joker lowered his head in shame.
"It was the hypest shit!", Wacky shouted, really hyped.
"Wacky!", Harley scoulded him.
"But thankfully, you can buy a Bat-costume at every BDSM store.", Joker said. He also regained his joyful attitude. "Where was I? Oh, that's right."
Back to the flashback...
"So here's the plan: we're gonna walk into the Regent Hotel, where all the rich goodie-doers gathered in order to send the Christmas packages to the local orphanage. Oh, how I love to steal from orphans.", Jay said.
"But... are you sure those costumes are enough, puddin'?"
"And why do you doubt that?", Joker asked.
"Your costume doesn't have pants."
"I don't see relevance."
"Fine. But maybe we should take some muscles with us?"
Joker frowned. "What, my muscles aren't good enough?"
"Sweetie, I had to carry the package with that outfit for you."
"I can't be seen with something like that. You, on the other hand, you dress up like that on a daily basis.", Jay said and, not even listening to Harley's protest, added "We may need some big guy, though. In case something goes wrong, we'll leave him behind and..."
"Sharky?", Harley asked and made puppy eyes.
"He's not big."
Harley made even bigger puppy eyes.
"Okay, okay. I'll go and get him."
"Just a little bit more glue here...", Sharky muttered. He was standing on a ladder, trying to hang the mistletoe in Harley's room.
Suddenly, he heard the sound of opening door. Startled, he lost his balance, falling on Harley's bed.
"Hello? Shark-ey?", Joker said, entering the room. "The guys told me that you've been in Harley's room all day. Which by the way, isn't creepy at all. Sharky?"
Joker looked on the poor thug, still tangled in Harley's bedsheets. He also noticed the mistletoe, hanging on the ceiling.
"Oh, well, it's Christmas time. I'm sure Harley won't mind.", Joker said. As soon Sharky pulled his head out of the sheets, Jay leaned over him and gave him a big, wet, slippery, disgusting...
Back to the presence...
"Well, that explains why Sharky is mumbling on the ground.", I said and looked at the poor guy, now noticing the red lipstick all over his face. It was as if a toothless bear with make-up tried to eat him. "I mean, those are the biggest fish-lips in the world."
"That's such a brutal thing to say to another person.", Jay said and shed a single tear. "But let's go on..."
Back to the flashback...
"Honey, I've got this feeling that Sharky won't be coming with us.", Joker said. "In fact, I don't think he'll be going anywhere for a while.", he added with sinister smile.
"Awww..."
"Well, we gotta take Wacky.", Jay said.
"What? But he's awesome. We can't use him as a bait."
"Okay, okay, we won't leave him behind.", he said while crossing his fingers. "Anyway, there's a giant Christmas tree in Regent Hotel. I managed to send one of my men in and turn the tree into a GIANT rocket..."
"Couldn't he just steal the gifts when he was inside?", Harley asked.
Joker was quiet.
"...a GIANT rocket that will crash through the glass roof of the Regent Hotel and then, it will strike the orphanage! I guess the kids will get a gift afterall."
"Okay then, I'll go and get Wacky."
"You know what? Actually, we could use someone who can handle all sorts of guns. A veteran. A soldier, a man of war. Someone with experience.", Jay said. "Go and get Reddie."
"What? But maybe Gre..."
"NOOO!", Jay shouted. "Don't question me! Questioning me is UNACCEPTABLE!", he yelled in a high-pitched voice.
"Sure, okay. You don't have to be such a sour lemon 'bout it."
"You little..."
Back to the presence...
"Wait, so I went on a Christmas heist and I don't even remember it?", I asked.
"Don't interrupt me!", Jay yelled. "Interrupting me is UNACCEPTABLE!"
"You didn't lose much, Red.", Harl said, thankful that I interrupted this part of the 'Christmas' tale.
Back to the flashback...
"Wacky, get yourself a fitting costume, get Reddie and meet me and Mr. J at midnight, Hallsey Avenue, near the Regent Hotel. We'll have to get in, take the gifts, walk out of the place and do it all while pretending that...", Harley said and stopped. "I had no idea what Mr. J had in mind. Take some guns and we'll probably just kill everybody.", she added.
"Sure thing.", Wacky said and saluted.
"Where are they?", Joker asked, impatient and annoyed. They've been standing near the exit for over 15 minutes, having only a tiny umbrella to protect them from the snow.
"I have no idea.", Harl said. "They were supposed to be here."
"Shh... someone's coming."
They managed to spot a slihoutte in the snow, whom eventually they eventually recognized as Wacky. Or Mel Gibson.
"Wacky, what the hell? Why are you dressed up as a Scotch warrior?", Harley asked, really confused. "And where's Reddie?"
"Huh? What's the problem? You told me to get a fitting costume. And that's pretty much the only costume that I could fit in. And then you told me to get READY. So I did. I'm here and I'm ready.", he said.
"Wacky...", Joker said and smiled. "That is so nonsensical that I'm going to let it go."
Harley tried to protest, but Jay just said "I'm the one standing here without any pants, remember?"
"Actually boss, this Scotch skirt-thingy isn't too warm, neither."
Joker nodded with compassion. "Now, let's go."
Back to the presence...
"Wait, so I DIDN'T participate in a Christmas heist?", I asked with disappointment.
"Nope.", Jay said and whacked me with a crowbar that he just happened to have. "Stop interrupting."
"At least that explains Wacky's costume.", I whispered to myself.
Back to the flashback...
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm honoured to announce that during the past 12 hours, we managed to gather clothes, food and gifts of combined value of over 30.000 dollars! Congratulations!", the announcer said happily, standing in the middle of the Hotel's main hall. All the guests raised their glasses, preparing for a toast. "It really goes to show that even in times like these, we can still find some..."
"Men without pants!", someone shouted.
"... well, maybe, but what I meant to say was..."
"No, men without pants just entered the room!", one of the guests yelled with indignation. "And they remain pantless!", he added. "Mooost unorthodox!"
"Psst... boss, I think they meant us.", Wacky whispered to the Joker.
"Great Scott!", one of the guests said.
"Actually, I'm Irish...", Joker said, but Wacky interrupted him.
"Actually, my father came to America from..."
"Don't move, everybody, or I will blow yer f*cking heads off!", Harley yelled threateningly, pointing her machine guns at the guests. The Joker, however, grabbed the guns and made Harley lower them.
"Don't listen to her, everybody! You can trust me, I'm Batman!"
The guests weren't convinced.
"I mean...", he said, cleared his throat and lowered his voice. "I'm Batman."
They still weren't convinced.
"You don't have any pants!", one of them pointed out.
"But I have my mask!", Jay shouted. "To protect my secret identity!"
"So who are you?", one of the women asked.
The Joker looked hopelessly at Harley; she looked back at him.
"Well... I think it's pretty obvious for all of you at this point...", Joker said nerviously. "My true identity... is Bruce Wayne!"
"But I'm here!", a man, presumably Bruce Wayne, shouted from the other end of the room.
"Yeah! Bruce Wayne cannot be Batman! This pantless guy here is just a loon!", one of the guests shouted. He was standing really close to Wacky.
"I won't allow you to threaten us!", the guest said and rolled up his sleeves, revealing ridiculously large biceps.
Wacky took out the fake sword that he had with him.
"There can be only ONE!", he yelled and, without a blink of the eye, swang his sword and cut off the guys head, much to the terror of the other guests.
The sword wasn't really fake afterall.
"Wacky, what the fuck?!", Harl shouted.
"I FEEL EVERYTHING! I KNOW EVERYTHING!"
"What?!", she yelled, trying to make her voice audible in a room full of screaming people.
"Welcome... to the WACKENING!"
"Leave him, he's a lost cause.", Joker said.
Holy irony, Batman.
Harley and Joker then proceeded to run through the room, trying to make their way past the panicked mob, which was going the opposite way, desperately trying to reach the exit.
At one point, they came across the table booked as 'Bruce Wayne'. They looked at the guy sitting at the table.
He then ran away, screaming in a high-pitched voice.
"As expected.", Joker said. He then pulled out a trigger, intending on activating the rocket as soon as they get the gifts, but suddenly, Batman appeared, jumping out of nowhere and kicking the clown in the face, making him drop the device.
"WHERE'S THE TRIGGER?!", Batman yelled, spitting all over himself.
"It's on the floor...", Joker said, but Batman punched him nonetheless.
"WHERE'S THE TRIGGER?!"
"On the floor!", Joker yelled, but Batman punched him again.
"WHERE'S THE..."
Suddenly, the Bat fell on the ground. A huge bullet wound appeared on his stomach.
"There. That will do it.", Harley said and placed the gun back in the holster.
"Oh no...", the hero muttered. "A bullet to the stomach... my only weakness..."
Joker already managed to pick up the trigger, but the button was pressed when it fell on the floor; now they could only helplessly watch as the Christmas tree-rocket crashed through the roof.
"But it will still hit the orphanage, right?", Harley asked.
"Good.", Batman muttered. "I hate orphans. Greedy, little brats... Wait."
"I have no idea.", Joker said. "I didn't get to the control panel. It may hit literally everything in Gotham!"
"Wait... where's Wacky?", Harl asked. In all that confusion, they didn't notice that all the guests already left the building, but Wacky was nowhere to be found. Unless...
They heard a wild yell as Wacky, still dressed up as Scotch warrior and with impressive collection of heads, climbed on the tree and flew away along with it.
"Wacky...", Harley said, realising that one of her best friends will die while dressed up as Mel Gibson. She didn't wish that death to her worst enemy.
Jay lowered his head.
"... well, that was fun. You want some Chinese?", he asked her.
Back to the presence...
"So that explains why our base is burning down.", I concluded.
"Not exactly.", Jay said.
Back to the flashback...
"Woooohoooo!", Wacky yelled. He was flying on a Christmas death-rocket through the town, until it ran out of fuel. The rocket stopped mid-air.
"I want ketchup.", Harvey Dent said.
"I want mustard.", scarred side of him protested.
"Let's flip a coin, then.", Harv said. He took the coin out. He was about to flip, when suddenly, he noticed that there was no scarred side.
"Wait... that means... I just bought myself a soda at the cost of my free will! Nooo!", he said and started freaking out.
"Um, mistah...", the young hot-dog seller said. "How 'bout you, like, take both ketchup AND the mustard?"
"Preposterous! I must get back to that machine, I will open it, and then..."
"Um, mistah?"
"What NOW?", Two-Face asked, really annoyed.
"You may want to take a step back."
"Huh?"
Suddenly, a giant Christmas tree-rocket fell down on the hot-dog stand, crushing it completely.
The young seller took off his apron, gently placed it on the branch of the tree, and without a word, left.
"Huh. At least nothing bad happened to me.", Two-Face remarked.
A second later, a fat, black, Scottish warrior fell down on him.
"WHY?!", poor villain yelled.
Back to the presence...
"So, why is our base annihilated?", I asked.
Quick flashback...
Grey, putting an aluminium cup into the microwave.
End of quick flashback...
"Okay, so I get why Jay is dressed up as Batman, why Harley is a Christmas elf holding Chinese food, why Wacky is a Scotch warrior, why Sharky is traumatised and why our base is burning down. But why was I unconscious?", I asked.
"You were hit by the pieces of rubble when the fire reached the gas tank and everything exploded.", Harley explained.
"We lost our base...", I said, still laying on the ground, looking at everything we owned, now burning down despite the falling snow.
Jay crouched and placed his hand on my shoulder.
"We surely did, Reddie. But that's not important. Sure, it's nice to have a base. But beds, rooms, lights and water... those aren't the most important things in the world. There are things much, much more precious than that.", he said.
I smiled.
"Like those precious gifts that we stole!", he said and showed me a bag full of packages.
"You're surrounded!", a cop shouted and suddenly, dozens of police cars surroundd us, along with hundreds of cops.
"Goddamn it.", Jay said.
"That's the story for this year's Christmas, my dear listeners.", Julian Day said. "As you probably noticed, this story wasn't real. Although, can you really be sure?", Calendar Man said and smiled, listening to the police sirens.
"Open up, Day, we got you surrounded!"
He took one more sip of the wine.
"Thirty days hath September,
April, June, and November.
Of twenty-eight is but one,
And all the rest are thirty-one.
Of course, leap year comes and slays.
Every four years - got it right -
And twenty-eight is twenty-nine."